Lonely and confused
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Hello, I've been reading the posts in here the past week and I think they've help me more than anyone you talk to.
The knock came 2 weeks ago, 6am, my partner was arrested for possession and distribution of IIOC, he told me later that the ages were 16& 17 year old girls and mostly cat c and a few cat b images, over a period of 3 years. He's said many times he's not attracted to children, it just started as normal porn and progressed.
we've been together 10 years and have 6 small children together, in the shock of it all, I packed me and kids off to my mother 3 hours away even though he was bailed to his parents.
SS have been in contact and I originally said I wouldn't be allowing any form of contact between the children and their father as I was in shock and disbelief. After reading many things on here and google, I think I've acted a bit to fast. I told most of family also which I regret as everyone has a black and white opinion on these things and I now know it isn't that simple. I have no concerns when it comes to him and my children, he has always been a hands on dad and partner. Our relationship is over and I'm struggling with that, but I don't know how to make sure he has a relationship with the kids without SS breathing down my neck as I've read so many bad things about them on here. I want my ex partner to get the help he needs, I feel so much hate for what he's done to us, but I also feel lost and heartbroken, you can't just turn your feelings off over night, I want to speak to him all the time, but it's killing me also.
any advice on the whole thing?? Family and friends just see him as a vile person when I know he's not, so it's hard to speak to them.
thank you
The knock came 2 weeks ago, 6am, my partner was arrested for possession and distribution of IIOC, he told me later that the ages were 16& 17 year old girls and mostly cat c and a few cat b images, over a period of 3 years. He's said many times he's not attracted to children, it just started as normal porn and progressed.
we've been together 10 years and have 6 small children together, in the shock of it all, I packed me and kids off to my mother 3 hours away even though he was bailed to his parents.
SS have been in contact and I originally said I wouldn't be allowing any form of contact between the children and their father as I was in shock and disbelief. After reading many things on here and google, I think I've acted a bit to fast. I told most of family also which I regret as everyone has a black and white opinion on these things and I now know it isn't that simple. I have no concerns when it comes to him and my children, he has always been a hands on dad and partner. Our relationship is over and I'm struggling with that, but I don't know how to make sure he has a relationship with the kids without SS breathing down my neck as I've read so many bad things about them on here. I want my ex partner to get the help he needs, I feel so much hate for what he's done to us, but I also feel lost and heartbroken, you can't just turn your feelings off over night, I want to speak to him all the time, but it's killing me also.
any advice on the whole thing?? Family and friends just see him as a vile person when I know he's not, so it's hard to speak to them.
thank you
Hello, I'm so sorry. :( My 'knock' came at the beginning of March and I can't begin to tell you how much of a rollercoaster I have been on since then. I have 3 children and initial shock and disbelief lasted for a few weeks, with further disclosures. Some days I want to be close to my partner and just forget it all ever happened and some days I can't look or speak to him. He can't live with us. Its insane to think how life can change in the blink of an eye. I think to some extent you have made it easier to see him by initially protecting your children and keeping distance. Social services will just want to see that you can keep the kids safe and work with them. Its frightening to have them in your life so suddenly isnt it? I have a lot of resentment about having had my life upended so cruelly. I hope you are getting the support you need and that you can signpost your close family to places where they can get more information to understand it isn't all black and white, perhaps it will help them understand the complexities behind these crimes. Sending love and solidarity.
Aww bless you, we do act like that as its our gaurd, I'm here because of my son.
I have a child in my house and have stood by my son.
With regards ss as long as you supervise contact or someone you are close too does then ss do allow contact. Your ex has admitted what he has done and hopefully will reach out for help. Reasons why they do it isn't clear cut.
Sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation, no one wants to be here x
I have a child in my house and have stood by my son.
With regards ss as long as you supervise contact or someone you are close too does then ss do allow contact. Your ex has admitted what he has done and hopefully will reach out for help. Reasons why they do it isn't clear cut.
Sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation, no one wants to be here x
lifesnotokay1919
You don't need to rush making any decisions. Take some time to get over the initial shock.
It sounds awful but you probably won't be able to maintain a relationship between your children and their dad without social services breathing down your neck. They have to ensure the children's safety so are going to insist on supervised contact if any and with small kids that means not even popping to the toilet and leaving them alone. If social.services believe you don't think he's a risk to your children they won't let you supervise the contact and they are likely to check with your children that they don't get left alone with him.
If he has admitted 16&17 year old I think you need to prepare yourself for there being younger too. I'm not saying there will be but if you read the post on here you will see that in many cases the investigation reveals more than at first admitted. Sometimes downloaded in the background but still classesed as a possession. I know that if you've got small children you don't want to think about that.
My ex lied to me and I naively believed him for over 18 months until the forensic evidence proved otherwise. I trusted him implicitly and he swore it was a mistake. I still don't understand how he could convincingly lie that for so long and still be a part of my family. I thought he was an honest and decent man. Maybe this has clouded my judgement and now makes me think the worse.
Take it day by day and don't ty to think too far ahead at the moment.
Sending you hugs x
You don't need to rush making any decisions. Take some time to get over the initial shock.
It sounds awful but you probably won't be able to maintain a relationship between your children and their dad without social services breathing down your neck. They have to ensure the children's safety so are going to insist on supervised contact if any and with small kids that means not even popping to the toilet and leaving them alone. If social.services believe you don't think he's a risk to your children they won't let you supervise the contact and they are likely to check with your children that they don't get left alone with him.
If he has admitted 16&17 year old I think you need to prepare yourself for there being younger too. I'm not saying there will be but if you read the post on here you will see that in many cases the investigation reveals more than at first admitted. Sometimes downloaded in the background but still classesed as a possession. I know that if you've got small children you don't want to think about that.
My ex lied to me and I naively believed him for over 18 months until the forensic evidence proved otherwise. I trusted him implicitly and he swore it was a mistake. I still don't understand how he could convincingly lie that for so long and still be a part of my family. I thought he was an honest and decent man. Maybe this has clouded my judgement and now makes me think the worse.
Take it day by day and don't ty to think too far ahead at the moment.
Sending you hugs x
Hi there!
Im so sorry you are in this situation, but you've got a lot of people here who can empathise and advise.
social services in my opinion are not as bad as they are made out to be. They are just trying to protect children. My advice to you is to take it slow and one step at a time. Investigations normally take quite a while so don't rush into any hasty decisions. If you think it's right to maintain a relationship between your children and father then you must see your Ex as a risk and insist contact is supervised otherwise social services will become concerned you are not protective. This was valueable advice for me and helped me to be able to supervise contact, and keep a normal-ish relationship going. Try and take things slow, I am 3 years down the line now and things get better.
best wishes
Blue x
Im so sorry you are in this situation, but you've got a lot of people here who can empathise and advise.
social services in my opinion are not as bad as they are made out to be. They are just trying to protect children. My advice to you is to take it slow and one step at a time. Investigations normally take quite a while so don't rush into any hasty decisions. If you think it's right to maintain a relationship between your children and father then you must see your Ex as a risk and insist contact is supervised otherwise social services will become concerned you are not protective. This was valueable advice for me and helped me to be able to supervise contact, and keep a normal-ish relationship going. Try and take things slow, I am 3 years down the line now and things get better.
best wishes
Blue x
Thank you for your replies.
I have been on the phone with SS today, they said they have no concerns with me in regards to safe guarding the children, and have signed me off, as I moved straight away, set the children up in a new school etc. She also said they're father is allowed supervised visits, which at the moment I've said I don't want, as I'm trying to get them settled here and adjust to all the change so far.
when and if I do decide to the children see their father will SS get back involved? I just want to know what to expect when that time comes. I've read a lot about safety plans and risk assessments etc.
it's made life easier that the children seem to be okay so far, my eldest has struggled the most as he's on the spectrum, so all the change has flustered him. Me on the other hand ... not so good, obviously holding it together for the kids sake but I'm constantly reading and researching looking for answers, my ex partner is still being really honest about everything, but I will keep an open mind on his honesty until the full investation is done.
it's still early days I know but how do you stop feeling so many mixed emotions, one day I hate him and cry in a corner, the next I feel sorry for him and cry in a corner, then I'm okay for a day?!
I have been on the phone with SS today, they said they have no concerns with me in regards to safe guarding the children, and have signed me off, as I moved straight away, set the children up in a new school etc. She also said they're father is allowed supervised visits, which at the moment I've said I don't want, as I'm trying to get them settled here and adjust to all the change so far.
when and if I do decide to the children see their father will SS get back involved? I just want to know what to expect when that time comes. I've read a lot about safety plans and risk assessments etc.
it's made life easier that the children seem to be okay so far, my eldest has struggled the most as he's on the spectrum, so all the change has flustered him. Me on the other hand ... not so good, obviously holding it together for the kids sake but I'm constantly reading and researching looking for answers, my ex partner is still being really honest about everything, but I will keep an open mind on his honesty until the full investation is done.
it's still early days I know but how do you stop feeling so many mixed emotions, one day I hate him and cry in a corner, the next I feel sorry for him and cry in a corner, then I'm okay for a day?!
Lifesnotok
I'm pleased you have spoken to ss no they won't get back involved as they said he is able to have supervised contact as long as that is followed there is no reason for them to be involved, it sounds like you have spoken to a clued up social worker.
With regards your emotions, I wish I had a magic wand unfortunately I don't. I have been on this journey for 19 months and its far from over my son has court in July. Unfortunately my emotions are a rollercoaster.
I am sending love and a hug your way please be kind to yourself this is most probably one of the hardest journey we will have to take. Remember to make time for yourself you will be grieving for the life you had X
I'm pleased you have spoken to ss no they won't get back involved as they said he is able to have supervised contact as long as that is followed there is no reason for them to be involved, it sounds like you have spoken to a clued up social worker.
With regards your emotions, I wish I had a magic wand unfortunately I don't. I have been on this journey for 19 months and its far from over my son has court in July. Unfortunately my emotions are a rollercoaster.
I am sending love and a hug your way please be kind to yourself this is most probably one of the hardest journey we will have to take. Remember to make time for yourself you will be grieving for the life you had X
Thank you again for your reply,
it's a situation you never imagine yourself in isn't in. I'm very happy to of come on the forum though, I've spent so many night reading posts before posting myself and it's helped me more than anything or anyone else in regards to the arrest.
im sorry to hear about your son, being a mother and dealing with all this must be heartbreaking. Sending hugs to you!!
I'm still in dibelif of the lack of support there is for the family of the defendants, it's like this bomb is dropped and there's a shrug your shoulders attitude from police and SS.
does it get any easier?
it's a situation you never imagine yourself in isn't in. I'm very happy to of come on the forum though, I've spent so many night reading posts before posting myself and it's helped me more than anything or anyone else in regards to the arrest.
im sorry to hear about your son, being a mother and dealing with all this must be heartbreaking. Sending hugs to you!!
I'm still in dibelif of the lack of support there is for the family of the defendants, it's like this bomb is dropped and there's a shrug your shoulders attitude from police and SS.
does it get any easier?
Oh absolutely no support whatsoever :( . I wish I could say it does get easier and I hope one day it does I really do.
I sometimes wonder if these men knew how much damage they have done would honestly do it ? I just don't think they realised how wrong it was .
I hope that it gets easier for you soon , reach out when you need too there's some good people on this forum .. take care X
I sometimes wonder if these men knew how much damage they have done would honestly do it ? I just don't think they realised how wrong it was .
I hope that it gets easier for you soon , reach out when you need too there's some good people on this forum .. take care X
This sounds close to our case. It's all a total shock, and we know life will never ever be the same again. My partner has lost custody to his children and its only week 2. He accepts it as a part of his punishment (viewing only), and it tears us both up as he is an amazing dad. Caught in trap of much too easy access and no monitor of "content" on porn sites. He is going through the online modules to build up to the course, for self-help.
As much as i want to be there for him, as all his family will not be able to accept this, and neither will mine - I feel immensely alone. I cannot speak to any family yet - they will all mis-judge and be disgusted without even hearing his side, i cannot speak to mental health services at work in case of slipping up and saying why I'm so upset. I certainly can't speak to any friends.
Does anyone know if "confidential" truly is kept confidential if i ring a help line?? My partner is already in process of being convicted, yet i still feel its not safe to talk to professionals. So confused :(
As much as i want to be there for him, as all his family will not be able to accept this, and neither will mine - I feel immensely alone. I cannot speak to any family yet - they will all mis-judge and be disgusted without even hearing his side, i cannot speak to mental health services at work in case of slipping up and saying why I'm so upset. I certainly can't speak to any friends.
Does anyone know if "confidential" truly is kept confidential if i ring a help line?? My partner is already in process of being convicted, yet i still feel its not safe to talk to professionals. So confused :(
Mandy
Yes honestly call the helpline you only need to give a name, age and area of living you could say any name age and area of living .. but it is confidential x
Yes honestly call the helpline you only need to give a name, age and area of living you could say any name age and area of living .. but it is confidential x