New here, very lost and upset
Notifications OFF
Hello,
I just wanted to get my feelings out somewhere that people would hopefully understand.
About a month and a half ago my partner found out that his dad had been arrested in Oct 2018 for indecent images across 6 devices, and charged in Dec 2020.
He found out via an email from his ex wife, because someone had sent her a link to an article about it (she used to work at the same place as his dad). She was emailing to check we were OK and didn't know that we didn't know.
My partner kept it to himself for the day, partly out of shock and also because I had a lovely day trip planned in with our daughter (3) and he didn't want to spoil that. I found out in the evening after our daughter was asleep.
My partner took a few days off work, and we both have counsellors anyway. I don't work and i look after our daughter full time. I've been finding it hard to feel able to get my head around it all, my partner has understandably needed a lot of support which I am happy to give him, but I also am struggling to find where my feelings fit in all this. He's not my dad, but he is the grandad to our child.
I am feeling very angry. His dad and stepmum have essentially covered this all up and were only finding out through an article. He didn't get a custodial sentence, instead his wife has to monitor his Internet activity. I feel upset with her also for not telling us sooner. I do understand her position is very difficult and she is struggling too. I have sympathy for her and care for her but I can't help my feelings of betrayal.
Our daughter was born in March 2018. His dad has seen her and had involvement in our lives. As a mum I feel so betrayed. I feel like my partners stepmum should have stepped in and let us know. It feels as though she took the right away from me to keep my daughter safe. It wasn't her place to decide that a sex offender should be able to see his grand daughter. I feel like they lied so they could enjoy a relationship with her, but that's not fair and is overriding my rights as her mother to make safe choices on her behalf.
My partner also has had to tell his older sister, who has stated that she wishes she never knew and will be 'carrying on as normal'. It's created a rift between them which is breaking my partners heart because they were always so close.
My partners dad and stepmum didn't know we knew until 2 days ago when she rang us to tell us. She was only telling us because social services are going to call us now that he's been sentenced. If they weren't going to call us and we hadnt seen the article, we would likely have never known and my daughter would have continued to see them.
I feel hurt, angry and upset, and also completely worn out being the emotional support and not really having the same extended to me. It all feels like such a mess and my place in it feels very much to just absorb it and everyone else's feelings. Which is making me feel invisible.
Thanks for reading it you got this far x
I just wanted to get my feelings out somewhere that people would hopefully understand.
About a month and a half ago my partner found out that his dad had been arrested in Oct 2018 for indecent images across 6 devices, and charged in Dec 2020.
He found out via an email from his ex wife, because someone had sent her a link to an article about it (she used to work at the same place as his dad). She was emailing to check we were OK and didn't know that we didn't know.
My partner kept it to himself for the day, partly out of shock and also because I had a lovely day trip planned in with our daughter (3) and he didn't want to spoil that. I found out in the evening after our daughter was asleep.
My partner took a few days off work, and we both have counsellors anyway. I don't work and i look after our daughter full time. I've been finding it hard to feel able to get my head around it all, my partner has understandably needed a lot of support which I am happy to give him, but I also am struggling to find where my feelings fit in all this. He's not my dad, but he is the grandad to our child.
I am feeling very angry. His dad and stepmum have essentially covered this all up and were only finding out through an article. He didn't get a custodial sentence, instead his wife has to monitor his Internet activity. I feel upset with her also for not telling us sooner. I do understand her position is very difficult and she is struggling too. I have sympathy for her and care for her but I can't help my feelings of betrayal.
Our daughter was born in March 2018. His dad has seen her and had involvement in our lives. As a mum I feel so betrayed. I feel like my partners stepmum should have stepped in and let us know. It feels as though she took the right away from me to keep my daughter safe. It wasn't her place to decide that a sex offender should be able to see his grand daughter. I feel like they lied so they could enjoy a relationship with her, but that's not fair and is overriding my rights as her mother to make safe choices on her behalf.
My partner also has had to tell his older sister, who has stated that she wishes she never knew and will be 'carrying on as normal'. It's created a rift between them which is breaking my partners heart because they were always so close.
My partners dad and stepmum didn't know we knew until 2 days ago when she rang us to tell us. She was only telling us because social services are going to call us now that he's been sentenced. If they weren't going to call us and we hadnt seen the article, we would likely have never known and my daughter would have continued to see them.
I feel hurt, angry and upset, and also completely worn out being the emotional support and not really having the same extended to me. It all feels like such a mess and my place in it feels very much to just absorb it and everyone else's feelings. Which is making me feel invisible.
Thanks for reading it you got this far x
Hello CraftyMama,
Thank you for reaching out for some support and advice from the Family and Friends Forum. We have noticed that this post has not yet received a response from other forum users. I recognise that it can be difficult to write on this forum for the first time. It can be a huge shock to find out that a loved one has committed this crime and even more so when you are made aware of this by a different family member. I can see that you feel betrayed and would like to discuss this with others in similar situations, therefore, I hope that you receive a reply from other forum users on this post soon. I can see that you are keen to support your husband at this time, however, I suggest that you take some time to look after yourself. This could be simple self-care activities such as having a bath, going on a walk alone or engaging in a hobby you enjoy. It is important that yourself at this difficult time. I wonder how you would feel writing a letter to you father-in-law and his wife about how you feel about not being informed of you father-in-law's arrest. Do you think that some letter correspondents about this would help your family to communicate calmly and openly?
I would also encourage you to reach out to us on our Stop It Now! helpline (0808 1000 900) for further support and guidance if you would like to.
I hope this has been helpful.
Take care,
Lucy
Thank you for reaching out for some support and advice from the Family and Friends Forum. We have noticed that this post has not yet received a response from other forum users. I recognise that it can be difficult to write on this forum for the first time. It can be a huge shock to find out that a loved one has committed this crime and even more so when you are made aware of this by a different family member. I can see that you feel betrayed and would like to discuss this with others in similar situations, therefore, I hope that you receive a reply from other forum users on this post soon. I can see that you are keen to support your husband at this time, however, I suggest that you take some time to look after yourself. This could be simple self-care activities such as having a bath, going on a walk alone or engaging in a hobby you enjoy. It is important that yourself at this difficult time. I wonder how you would feel writing a letter to you father-in-law and his wife about how you feel about not being informed of you father-in-law's arrest. Do you think that some letter correspondents about this would help your family to communicate calmly and openly?
I would also encourage you to reach out to us on our Stop It Now! helpline (0808 1000 900) for further support and guidance if you would like to.
I hope this has been helpful.
Take care,
Lucy
First I would say it is normal for you to feel the way you do. He should have taken responsibility for his actions and informed family, that is no way to find out via an article online!
I found out via a family member rather than the offender too. I feel family life will never be same again and I do agree in some terms with your other famliy member - you do really have to try and get on with your life. You have no control over other peoples actions - they have made their bed and have to deal with the consequences.
As time goes on you do start to think about it less, it is absolutly your and your partners choice in terms of how much involvement you want with the offender. In terms of seeing the kids if under investigation I would have thought they would have had to check about this before seeing any kids....but also bear in mind being caught with those kind of images does not mean they do anything people say it is part of porn addiction leading to worse stuff and it doesn't mean they would do anything to harm kids in real life....but all in all if you don't want them to have contact again they just have to deal with that. They made the illegal choices in life and have to accept consequences.
I found out via a family member rather than the offender too. I feel family life will never be same again and I do agree in some terms with your other famliy member - you do really have to try and get on with your life. You have no control over other peoples actions - they have made their bed and have to deal with the consequences.
As time goes on you do start to think about it less, it is absolutly your and your partners choice in terms of how much involvement you want with the offender. In terms of seeing the kids if under investigation I would have thought they would have had to check about this before seeing any kids....but also bear in mind being caught with those kind of images does not mean they do anything people say it is part of porn addiction leading to worse stuff and it doesn't mean they would do anything to harm kids in real life....but all in all if you don't want them to have contact again they just have to deal with that. They made the illegal choices in life and have to accept consequences.