Desperate and lost
Notifications OFF
Hi,
I think I'm posting out of desperation really. Desperation that someone will tell me that it does get easier, that it won't always hurt the way it does right now.
It's been 8 months since my dad called me and told me he had been arrested for possession of IEOC. I feel like from that point my whole world turned upside down, I was also 4 months pregnant at the time.
Fast forward to now and court is over with (Suspended sentence and registration) I feel like I'm no further forward than I was then. If anything I feel worse. I feel like this horrific thing has become part of my identity. I feel like I've only just realised that this is never going away.
Our family has collapsed. My dad's partner has left him, I don't necessarily blame her for this. What I do find incredibly difficult was that he actually had a prior offence that neither of them told me about, despite the fact they were very regularly around my older child and she tried to pressure me often to let them look after him without me or his dad.
I feel like in one fell swoop I've lost two of my parents. I can't communicate with my dads partner at the moment I just feel too conflicted, but at the same time she was a huge part of my life, they had been together since I was young and she was granny to my son.
I've avoided giving any kind of explanation to my son so far, because of covid he hasn't seen them much in 2020 anyway. Before that they were very much a part of his life. The other day he was talking about his grandparents on my husbands side naming them and he paused and said 'I can't remember the others'. That broke my heart. I know it's what needs to happen at least for the moment but I think just the confirmation that he's forgotten them, that that part of our lives is truly over.
I feel like my dad has stolen our future but also our past. I can't even look back at photos in the same way anymore. I have no idea what the future will hold but I'm so scared of feeling like this forever.
I also feel bitter and resentful of other people. I think about what I must have done to deserve this, or I feel so jealous of the majority of other people that it hasn't happened to. And I do understand they have other things they're going through, I know other people have really hard times. But I sometimes feel I would rather go through anything else than this. It just feels like a very private hell.
Like anyone else I have no idea who to tell, I don't want to tell someone and then regret it forever. I don't feel that I can tell my two oldest friends, they've known my dad since they were little, they would be so horrified. I also can't tell my mum, I know she would understanly massively struggle with the information but I also feel due to her personality type and own issues it would then become about her and her needs.
My youngest son was born in February and my dad has never met him. Tonight I've not been able to sleep and when I got up to feed him I just sat and cried and cried in his room and that's where my husband found me an hour later.
I truly have no idea where to go from here. I know councelling is a possibility but with a baby and a toddler I would struggle to find the time, although it could be possible. I'm not even really sure what I would want it to achieve at this point. Maybe to feel less angry? To be able to move forward in some way?
Thank you if you've got this far, sorry I know it's a long post. I'm just feeling so lost
S
I think I'm posting out of desperation really. Desperation that someone will tell me that it does get easier, that it won't always hurt the way it does right now.
It's been 8 months since my dad called me and told me he had been arrested for possession of IEOC. I feel like from that point my whole world turned upside down, I was also 4 months pregnant at the time.
Fast forward to now and court is over with (Suspended sentence and registration) I feel like I'm no further forward than I was then. If anything I feel worse. I feel like this horrific thing has become part of my identity. I feel like I've only just realised that this is never going away.
Our family has collapsed. My dad's partner has left him, I don't necessarily blame her for this. What I do find incredibly difficult was that he actually had a prior offence that neither of them told me about, despite the fact they were very regularly around my older child and she tried to pressure me often to let them look after him without me or his dad.
I feel like in one fell swoop I've lost two of my parents. I can't communicate with my dads partner at the moment I just feel too conflicted, but at the same time she was a huge part of my life, they had been together since I was young and she was granny to my son.
I've avoided giving any kind of explanation to my son so far, because of covid he hasn't seen them much in 2020 anyway. Before that they were very much a part of his life. The other day he was talking about his grandparents on my husbands side naming them and he paused and said 'I can't remember the others'. That broke my heart. I know it's what needs to happen at least for the moment but I think just the confirmation that he's forgotten them, that that part of our lives is truly over.
I feel like my dad has stolen our future but also our past. I can't even look back at photos in the same way anymore. I have no idea what the future will hold but I'm so scared of feeling like this forever.
I also feel bitter and resentful of other people. I think about what I must have done to deserve this, or I feel so jealous of the majority of other people that it hasn't happened to. And I do understand they have other things they're going through, I know other people have really hard times. But I sometimes feel I would rather go through anything else than this. It just feels like a very private hell.
Like anyone else I have no idea who to tell, I don't want to tell someone and then regret it forever. I don't feel that I can tell my two oldest friends, they've known my dad since they were little, they would be so horrified. I also can't tell my mum, I know she would understanly massively struggle with the information but I also feel due to her personality type and own issues it would then become about her and her needs.
My youngest son was born in February and my dad has never met him. Tonight I've not been able to sleep and when I got up to feed him I just sat and cried and cried in his room and that's where my husband found me an hour later.
I truly have no idea where to go from here. I know councelling is a possibility but with a baby and a toddler I would struggle to find the time, although it could be possible. I'm not even really sure what I would want it to achieve at this point. Maybe to feel less angry? To be able to move forward in some way?
Thank you if you've got this far, sorry I know it's a long post. I'm just feeling so lost
S
It is a huge amount to deal with and too much to cope with alone, especially while trying to look after young kids. Call the helpline (or the Samaritans out of hours) if you need to. If you can tell your oldest friends or someone then hopefully they will want to support you. Sharing on here is a good step - you will be heard. But I have found the support from the few people I have told absolutely essential in trying to figure a way through this. There are a few threads on telling people if you search - some people do face rejection but so many also speak of how true friends stick by and support them x
Hi there ...
read your post and felt every word and emotion you are. My dad got a suspended scentance for communication and images.
he only escaped prison because of our character references we provided.
It was spread across the local news only yesterday and social media which was another slap in the face.
I watched my whole family break yesterday as was re lived the nightmare. I read things in the news that I didn't even know.
it was prob the worst day so far.
my sister has 2 children so she is totally broken both under 7.
I do not have children but totally get you.
We keep questioning how we got here .. you sound the same.
All I know is that you take day by day and sometimes hour by hour and try and be kind to yourself.
it's messy and heavy .. we should not be dealing with this .. I'm angry and sad all at the same time .. I know I'm not getting old dad back. and we had a good relationship so it's hard.
I keep going through it trying to rationalise it all .. but you just can't do that.
maybe you could tell a friend .. it's not your doing they should not turn they're back on you. And if they do they were never your friend.
Hugs. Love. Peace.
read your post and felt every word and emotion you are. My dad got a suspended scentance for communication and images.
he only escaped prison because of our character references we provided.
It was spread across the local news only yesterday and social media which was another slap in the face.
I watched my whole family break yesterday as was re lived the nightmare. I read things in the news that I didn't even know.
it was prob the worst day so far.
my sister has 2 children so she is totally broken both under 7.
I do not have children but totally get you.
We keep questioning how we got here .. you sound the same.
All I know is that you take day by day and sometimes hour by hour and try and be kind to yourself.
it's messy and heavy .. we should not be dealing with this .. I'm angry and sad all at the same time .. I know I'm not getting old dad back. and we had a good relationship so it's hard.
I keep going through it trying to rationalise it all .. but you just can't do that.
maybe you could tell a friend .. it's not your doing they should not turn they're back on you. And if they do they were never your friend.
Hugs. Love. Peace.
SRosa
You have done nothing to deserve this. Absolutely nothing.
Although my head told me that none of it was my fault it took me a long time to stop the feelings of guilt. Had I done something to upset hjm or not done something that could have stopped it etc? The answer of course is no.
I know exactly what you mean about your past having been stolen.
Why don't you speak to your doctor? Or you can self refer to NHS counselling. I found it helped just to be able to tell someone all my thoughts. I didn't think just talking would help and got very upset and angry during my weekly session but I felt better afterwards for letting off steam. You can do it on the phone if it makes it easier for childcare.
Please look after yourself and your little ones. Whatever you decide you need put them and yourself first and don't ever feel guilty about what you decide.
Sending you hugs. Xx
You have done nothing to deserve this. Absolutely nothing.
Although my head told me that none of it was my fault it took me a long time to stop the feelings of guilt. Had I done something to upset hjm or not done something that could have stopped it etc? The answer of course is no.
I know exactly what you mean about your past having been stolen.
Why don't you speak to your doctor? Or you can self refer to NHS counselling. I found it helped just to be able to tell someone all my thoughts. I didn't think just talking would help and got very upset and angry during my weekly session but I felt better afterwards for letting off steam. You can do it on the phone if it makes it easier for childcare.
Please look after yourself and your little ones. Whatever you decide you need put them and yourself first and don't ever feel guilty about what you decide.
Sending you hugs. Xx