Aaargh...
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So 4 weeks ago my husband received a call from the police asking him to go to the station. 18 months after the initial knock. I had 30 minutes of hoping that we would be getting our devices back and there would be NFA. Then he got a call from a duty solicitor saying they would meet him prior to speaking to the police as "images had been found". At this point I knew my life was going to be ripped apart again.
When he rang me after speaking to the Police, he said that they had found cartoon images which were prohibited but not illegal and thumbnail images which were not viewable ranging from Catergory A-C. It was on an old mobile phone which I thought had not been used for a few years. They also have accused him of "deleting evidence" as he had tried to delete the phone. His explanation is that he was trying to delete old apps, such as banking apps.
He immediatley offered to move out due to the nature of my work and because when it first happened I said it would be the end of our marriage and to protect me.
I spoke to the Poice later that day who said they have reffered the case to CPS and they are confident it will go to court. They also confirmed that I am not under investigation. When were they going to tell me that?!!!
He has since said it was going on for 8 months, before the knock. He has spoken to Lucy Faithfull and he has said he has a sex addiction and will be getting help.
There are so many emotions going through my head.
Anger with him. He knew my past, I was a victim of sexual abuse, has seen my scars, heard me crying out in the night? Did he fantasise about this?
For 18 months he has led me on; did he think nothing would happen? That it would all go away?
He has crossed a line that should never br crossed. I don't believe he is telling the full truth still, that he's minimising what he has done.
He has lost so much already. I have applied for a divorce. I cannot be with someone who has commited such an offence. I will not have myself put at risk. I cannot trust him.
However, I still love him. I want to hug him. I don't want to turn my back on him. He is back living with his parents. He will lose a very good job. He is selling his cars to help pay off debts. I want to support him as he is not a monster. But I also don't believe he is telling me the whole truth.
Was I not good enough. What did I do that led him to this? Has he always had an interest?
Anger with the Police:
When the knock happened, my husband was working away and I was in the house alone. I was off sick with severe depression and anxiety. They could not say who they were looking at, that it was the property, so all devices were taken, which I understand. At the time I asked the Police if I should tell my work, due to the nature of my job. I got no answer. Instead, they contacted my employer, spoke to Safeguarding, HR and general managment without letting me do it. I understand there is a duty to do such things. But I woud have done it as I had nothing to hide. I felt like I was being made to hide something. Guilty by assosciation
I then have to ring them to ask if I am no longer under investigation so I can tell my employer (who have been fantastic and very supportive, having faith in me, when I didn't).
I have then had to ask for my devices to be returned and then suffer the indignity of collecting my devices from the Police station. For them to be returned in the original evidene bags. Breaking down in the station because this SHOULD NEVER have happened.
Is it possible to stay supportive to an ex who has done this? Do I go to court to find out he has again, not told me everything? Or do I just end it completely?
I have heard of the Porn addiction issue, where it leads to more extreme stuff. But I really, really struggle to see the thrill of looking at children. A child is a child- Be it a cartoon or not. I am going to look into it, but from mypersonal experience I am very black and white about this.
Jeez, sorry for the rant, but life is just one big cloud of hate, guilt, anger uncertainty.
Thank you if you got this far. I hope everyone is finding strength from somewhere.
When he rang me after speaking to the Police, he said that they had found cartoon images which were prohibited but not illegal and thumbnail images which were not viewable ranging from Catergory A-C. It was on an old mobile phone which I thought had not been used for a few years. They also have accused him of "deleting evidence" as he had tried to delete the phone. His explanation is that he was trying to delete old apps, such as banking apps.
He immediatley offered to move out due to the nature of my work and because when it first happened I said it would be the end of our marriage and to protect me.
I spoke to the Poice later that day who said they have reffered the case to CPS and they are confident it will go to court. They also confirmed that I am not under investigation. When were they going to tell me that?!!!
He has since said it was going on for 8 months, before the knock. He has spoken to Lucy Faithfull and he has said he has a sex addiction and will be getting help.
There are so many emotions going through my head.
Anger with him. He knew my past, I was a victim of sexual abuse, has seen my scars, heard me crying out in the night? Did he fantasise about this?
For 18 months he has led me on; did he think nothing would happen? That it would all go away?
He has crossed a line that should never br crossed. I don't believe he is telling the full truth still, that he's minimising what he has done.
He has lost so much already. I have applied for a divorce. I cannot be with someone who has commited such an offence. I will not have myself put at risk. I cannot trust him.
However, I still love him. I want to hug him. I don't want to turn my back on him. He is back living with his parents. He will lose a very good job. He is selling his cars to help pay off debts. I want to support him as he is not a monster. But I also don't believe he is telling me the whole truth.
Was I not good enough. What did I do that led him to this? Has he always had an interest?
Anger with the Police:
When the knock happened, my husband was working away and I was in the house alone. I was off sick with severe depression and anxiety. They could not say who they were looking at, that it was the property, so all devices were taken, which I understand. At the time I asked the Police if I should tell my work, due to the nature of my job. I got no answer. Instead, they contacted my employer, spoke to Safeguarding, HR and general managment without letting me do it. I understand there is a duty to do such things. But I woud have done it as I had nothing to hide. I felt like I was being made to hide something. Guilty by assosciation
I then have to ring them to ask if I am no longer under investigation so I can tell my employer (who have been fantastic and very supportive, having faith in me, when I didn't).
I have then had to ask for my devices to be returned and then suffer the indignity of collecting my devices from the Police station. For them to be returned in the original evidene bags. Breaking down in the station because this SHOULD NEVER have happened.
Is it possible to stay supportive to an ex who has done this? Do I go to court to find out he has again, not told me everything? Or do I just end it completely?
I have heard of the Porn addiction issue, where it leads to more extreme stuff. But I really, really struggle to see the thrill of looking at children. A child is a child- Be it a cartoon or not. I am going to look into it, but from mypersonal experience I am very black and white about this.
Jeez, sorry for the rant, but life is just one big cloud of hate, guilt, anger uncertainty.
Thank you if you got this far. I hope everyone is finding strength from somewhere.
You are not alone in finding out that the truth is worse than disclosed by an offender. Many hope that not all evidence is found and some (including my partner) genuinely didn't know all that they had against them because their offending was either out of control or they just didn't pay enough attention to see the scale of it all.
There are resources on the stop it now website I found useful on the psychology to get some idea why some people end up seeking iioc. It is perfectly ok to not 'understand' because it is near impossible for majority of us to even comprehend. But you might find some comfort looking up the various reasons this offending can occur to help you discuss with your ex to seek closure. Not all offenders are the same and it can take time for them to be honest with themselves and others on how they got into the offending. But not all will reach this point, some will stay in denial of accountability- so be warned you may not get full closure from your ex.
The Lucy faithful inform course is very helpful and a range of people attend these. For me it was important my partner sought help himself, was proactive, maintains his training and is honest with me. If he ever offends again I am out the door without hesitation.
There are resources on the stop it now website I found useful on the psychology to get some idea why some people end up seeking iioc. It is perfectly ok to not 'understand' because it is near impossible for majority of us to even comprehend. But you might find some comfort looking up the various reasons this offending can occur to help you discuss with your ex to seek closure. Not all offenders are the same and it can take time for them to be honest with themselves and others on how they got into the offending. But not all will reach this point, some will stay in denial of accountability- so be warned you may not get full closure from your ex.
The Lucy faithful inform course is very helpful and a range of people attend these. For me it was important my partner sought help himself, was proactive, maintains his training and is honest with me. If he ever offends again I am out the door without hesitation.
Scared
You situation sounds very similar to mine. He lied to me for 18 months after the knock until.second interview and he was told it was going to CPS. He didn't tell me much then and I later found out the horrific number of images but not from him
He left me to deal with work colleagues, schools, friends neighbours etc. I feel dishonest and dirty and avoided people as much as possible
I spent the first few weeks and months desperately trying to work out how I could support him and stay friends but slowly realised that I couldn't. I couldn't support someone who lied to my.face for 18 months and had still not given me an explanation and as you say I would never have got over him crossing the line.. I realised that it wasn't my job to fix him and it nearly destroyed me to not support the man I loved so much and thought was my future. 3 years ago I would have said we would support each other through anything and that we were rock solid.
You don't need to make any rushed decisions. Unfortunately there are no easy options here. You might decide you want to support him in whatever way you can or you might need to walk away. You might change your mind alone the way but you can only go with what you thinking best for you.
As more time goes by I am more sure I made the right choice for me but it's still very difficult and I have days of doubt.
I hope that time brings you clarity to make the best decision for you.
X
You situation sounds very similar to mine. He lied to me for 18 months after the knock until.second interview and he was told it was going to CPS. He didn't tell me much then and I later found out the horrific number of images but not from him
He left me to deal with work colleagues, schools, friends neighbours etc. I feel dishonest and dirty and avoided people as much as possible
I spent the first few weeks and months desperately trying to work out how I could support him and stay friends but slowly realised that I couldn't. I couldn't support someone who lied to my.face for 18 months and had still not given me an explanation and as you say I would never have got over him crossing the line.. I realised that it wasn't my job to fix him and it nearly destroyed me to not support the man I loved so much and thought was my future. 3 years ago I would have said we would support each other through anything and that we were rock solid.
You don't need to make any rushed decisions. Unfortunately there are no easy options here. You might decide you want to support him in whatever way you can or you might need to walk away. You might change your mind alone the way but you can only go with what you thinking best for you.
As more time goes by I am more sure I made the right choice for me but it's still very difficult and I have days of doubt.
I hope that time brings you clarity to make the best decision for you.
X