This is so hard to write. My husband was arrested on Friday for distributing indecent images. Our house was searched. I didn't fully understand what was happening until after they all left. I phoned my husband's work to say he wasn't coming in. On advice from a police officer, I said he wasn't coming in because he had gone to the police station. They asked if it involved children.i said yes, and what they had arrested him on. I then phoned my work and said the truth. We both work at a school. A couple of hours later, my work phoned to say I wasn't allowed back at school and that I was on "compassionate leave". My mum was with me all day Fri. My husband came back at 6pm. He admitted he had been looking at indecent images. It took a long time to admit it. I don't know what I felt, I was completely blank and numb. He has since admitted looking at gay porn, femboys and posting sexual images of himself on Grindr. I went back to work today, broke down, and they sent me home. I went straight to my sister's. I told her everything. She was obviously shocked. I feel completely isolated. I feel betrayed. I suffer from mental health, have phoned my GP, had doupled my antidepressants. My husband is living with his mum. I still have daily contact with him. I'm angry. I have been forcing myself to be sick. I stay up late at night watching pointless TV, drinking too much.
Maybe
I'm sorry to hear your story, unfortunately I have no words of wisdom. Please be kind to yourself you will go through so many emotions. I am very much like you I find it hard to sleep , I'm here because my son is the offender same offences as your husband. I hope you have people around you to support you as this process isn't a short one.
Sending a virtual hug your way x
I'm sorry to hear your story, unfortunately I have no words of wisdom. Please be kind to yourself you will go through so many emotions. I am very much like you I find it hard to sleep , I'm here because my son is the offender same offences as your husband. I hope you have people around you to support you as this process isn't a short one.
Sending a virtual hug your way x
Hi,
So sorry you have had to write that, none of us want to be here but we are and I'm learning that people care and understand what you are going through.
It's been only 6 weeks for me, but this group has been so informative and helpful, as this was a world that I knew nothing about really. It really is worth reading older posts as well. I not yet phoned the support line I will though, but I did get my husband to.
Rainbowgirl has written an amazing post on how to survive these weeks, I read it most days to remind me that it's ok to have wobbles and have doubts.
take care xx
So sorry you have had to write that, none of us want to be here but we are and I'm learning that people care and understand what you are going through.
It's been only 6 weeks for me, but this group has been so informative and helpful, as this was a world that I knew nothing about really. It really is worth reading older posts as well. I not yet phoned the support line I will though, but I did get my husband to.
Rainbowgirl has written an amazing post on how to survive these weeks, I read it most days to remind me that it's ok to have wobbles and have doubts.
take care xx
Rainbowgirl80
Posted Sun March 21, 2021 10:17amReport post
Rainbowgirl80
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Hi, I presume that you've now found yourself in the place where nobody wants to be, as do we.
Your partner / family member has been arrested for an online sexual offence against children, you are probably feeling like a bomb has been dropped on your life... Your whole world has been shattered.
We have all been there!
This post is to enable those of us who are further into this traumatic journey to share advice and guidance on how to get through each day and what to expect.
9 months after my husband's arrest / the knock, these are my tips...
1. Be kind to yourself. Your whole world has been shattered.. Its OK to feel however you do.... You will be an emotional roller coaster for a good while.
2. Seek support - from the forum, lff helpline, family and friends if you can, your gp and if possible counselling. I had a 24 hour helpline I could use through work. It was a godsend.
3. Don't allow others to tell you how to feel.
You may hear the P word banded about willy nilly... Thats not always the case... Don't make assumptions...
This offence is very complex. Society is extremely opinionated and judgemental about this offence. Try to understand how your family member may have fell down that rabbit hole.THe choice of whether you support them or not is your choice nobody else's.
4. Don't make any rash decisions. You will probably go into fight or flight mode, so don't do anything hasty. You will have time. Investigations can take between a couple of months and a couple of years to conclude so give yourself time.
5. Self care - hot bubble baths, writing your thoughts in a journal, meditation and breathing exercise will all help calm your central nervous system and build your inner strength and resilience.
6. Understanding takes time. Your loved one will probably be in such a state and now has to unpick how they ended up down that rabbit hole. It may take a while to get your answers.
7. Social services will get involved if you have children so expect to be spoken to or visited by them. Keep an open mind about the offence. They are quick to accuse people of minimising or being in denial.
8. Knowledge is power. The amazing warrior women on this and the stop so forum have been through everything you can imagine... Listen to their advice, guidance and support. However... Every case is different and there is very little consistency at how this is dealt with by police, social services etc so try not to compare your family members case to others.
9. Unless it's a vigilante sting then the only people who know for now are those you have told. At first I felt like it was tattooed to my forehead. It wasn't and it isn't to yours either. Not every case hits the media and if it does it won't be until court which is way down the line so as above... Don't do anything hasty.
10. None of this is your fault. Your loved one was offending without your knowledge and hiding it well.
11. Knowledge is power. Take your time to understand this offence and your partner / family member and keep an open mind as more revelations could come along further down the line. This is not black and white.
12. You will get through this. You will build resillence you didn't know was possible. I remember those early days I felt like I was in the middle of a maze with brick walls all around me... You will slowly knock down these walls.
13.Seek support whenever you need it yet don't let this define you. You are still you.
14. Consider and speak to the helpline about the inform course. This will help you to understand every aspect of this. You will also meet an amazing group of women going through similar journeys... You are encouraged to keep in touch and swap numbers etc so you really will feel less alone.
I hope that helps.
I hope other women also share their hints and tips for surviving those early days.
Sending you lots of love and strength Xxxx
Posted Sun March 21, 2021 10:17amReport post
Rainbowgirl80
Report post
Hi, I presume that you've now found yourself in the place where nobody wants to be, as do we.
Your partner / family member has been arrested for an online sexual offence against children, you are probably feeling like a bomb has been dropped on your life... Your whole world has been shattered.
We have all been there!
This post is to enable those of us who are further into this traumatic journey to share advice and guidance on how to get through each day and what to expect.
9 months after my husband's arrest / the knock, these are my tips...
1. Be kind to yourself. Your whole world has been shattered.. Its OK to feel however you do.... You will be an emotional roller coaster for a good while.
2. Seek support - from the forum, lff helpline, family and friends if you can, your gp and if possible counselling. I had a 24 hour helpline I could use through work. It was a godsend.
3. Don't allow others to tell you how to feel.
You may hear the P word banded about willy nilly... Thats not always the case... Don't make assumptions...
This offence is very complex. Society is extremely opinionated and judgemental about this offence. Try to understand how your family member may have fell down that rabbit hole.THe choice of whether you support them or not is your choice nobody else's.
4. Don't make any rash decisions. You will probably go into fight or flight mode, so don't do anything hasty. You will have time. Investigations can take between a couple of months and a couple of years to conclude so give yourself time.
5. Self care - hot bubble baths, writing your thoughts in a journal, meditation and breathing exercise will all help calm your central nervous system and build your inner strength and resilience.
6. Understanding takes time. Your loved one will probably be in such a state and now has to unpick how they ended up down that rabbit hole. It may take a while to get your answers.
7. Social services will get involved if you have children so expect to be spoken to or visited by them. Keep an open mind about the offence. They are quick to accuse people of minimising or being in denial.
8. Knowledge is power. The amazing warrior women on this and the stop so forum have been through everything you can imagine... Listen to their advice, guidance and support. However... Every case is different and there is very little consistency at how this is dealt with by police, social services etc so try not to compare your family members case to others.
9. Unless it's a vigilante sting then the only people who know for now are those you have told. At first I felt like it was tattooed to my forehead. It wasn't and it isn't to yours either. Not every case hits the media and if it does it won't be until court which is way down the line so as above... Don't do anything hasty.
10. None of this is your fault. Your loved one was offending without your knowledge and hiding it well.
11. Knowledge is power. Take your time to understand this offence and your partner / family member and keep an open mind as more revelations could come along further down the line. This is not black and white.
12. You will get through this. You will build resillence you didn't know was possible. I remember those early days I felt like I was in the middle of a maze with brick walls all around me... You will slowly knock down these walls.
13.Seek support whenever you need it yet don't let this define you. You are still you.
14. Consider and speak to the helpline about the inform course. This will help you to understand every aspect of this. You will also meet an amazing group of women going through similar journeys... You are encouraged to keep in touch and swap numbers etc so you really will feel less alone.
I hope that helps.
I hope other women also share their hints and tips for surviving those early days.
Sending you lots of love and strength Xxxx
Stay strong! It will take a while to process everything that has happened. I'd look at getting a therapist that is StopSo qualified who will understand not only your mental health but also the unique situation. Sadly it doesn't get much easier for a long while but you'll learn to manage the stress and pain. Look after yourself, you're not alone xxxx
I'm only two weeks in and my heart goes out to you - I'm still hoping that I'll wake up and find it was just a bad dream. I can't offer any experience so all I can say is please practice good self-care; if you stand any chance of getting through this you HAVE to look after yourself. Personally I'm coping by proactively seeking advice and guidance and by continuing to live as normally as I can - I am working, exercising and trying to look outward, even though I often don't want to do those things.
Sending lots of love x
Sending lots of love x
When I went back to work, they had written up a risk assessment. This included no lone working with children, my mobile phone has to be left in the car, my work email has been disabled and I can't use any devices at work. Is this normal? I feel I am being punished for what he has done. I've always had anxiety: feeling I'm not good enough, worrying people are judging me, feeling of weakness failure ugly boring worthless. This risk assessment is another pressure and I am angry with work but kind of understand why they have to do it. I'm being judged on something that's not my fault.
What age do you work with? I have done ALOT of research into this because I'm training to be a teacher. A new act came in 2018 which I believe means they can't disqualify by association unless you teach under 7s or home tutor. They are allowed to put measures in safety place to prevent your OH having access to the children. Maybe speak to someone in charge about how your feeling as at the end of the day, you are a secondary victim in this, you can not be held accountable for your partners actions, especially when you were not aware of the ongoings. You are not under investigation, the police are the ones that told me about the act and told me that I could still teach, whether I stay with my OH or not! One thing to make sure of though is that the police don't put your partners conviction on your DBS additional information. Are you part of a union? They should support you if so. Also speak to your OHs solicitor about it too if you can get any contact with them xxx
I work with yr6, so 10 and 11 year olds. When I was round my sister's, and held my 2 month old nephew and I was conscious where I was holding him. Will my sister think I have the same thoughts as my husband. Will my life ever be the same again. If i hug my nephews, what will they think. My husband has phoned his doctor, and Is looking into counseling. I'm anxious about what my family think if I keep in contact with my husband, and that I'm a push over.
Maybe
It's not as easy as everyone thinks just to walk away. People don't understand about the addiction, this is also not to do with us this is them.
I'm sorry to hear about your work problems, please remember none of this is your fault and it will get easier I hope.
I am here because of my son offending 18 months in from the knock magistrates in July.
People will judge but those who truly love and care for you will stand by you. This is your life not there's.
You will go through so many emotions please reach out when you need too x
It's not as easy as everyone thinks just to walk away. People don't understand about the addiction, this is also not to do with us this is them.
I'm sorry to hear about your work problems, please remember none of this is your fault and it will get easier I hope.
I am here because of my son offending 18 months in from the knock magistrates in July.
People will judge but those who truly love and care for you will stand by you. This is your life not there's.
You will go through so many emotions please reach out when you need too x
Hello lovely, so very sorry you find yourself here. Your school maybe different to mine but I work in a school and have been honest with my safe gaird leader and slt and they know my situation, they know I have no wrong doing in the situation so have been able to stay in work, that was my worst fear, I hope that for you they allow you in and have some support.
7 months in and I'm still in a daze and not knowing what's happening, it's awful the police knock break your world and then leave, meanwhile ypur works has fallen apart and you have no idea what to do. I would say take it day by day and slowly, xxx
7 months in and I'm still in a daze and not knowing what's happening, it's awful the police knock break your world and then leave, meanwhile ypur works has fallen apart and you have no idea what to do. I would say take it day by day and slowly, xxx