Support and surviving
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Hi, I just wanted to start a topic about support for people in those immediate days and weeks and months after someone you love/live with/are married to is arrested for this crime. I think if we can share info on services and help and little tips it will help everyone. I'm afraid my husband was arrested 8 years ago and things were very different. My husband was directed to Stop It Now, but I tried the GP, School, charities etc and i found no support. Things are different and I know that Stop It Now is now here for families. As is the Marie Collins Foundation. It took me 4 years to reach out for mental health support as i was extremely depressed and suffering from extreme anxiety. Every phone call or knock at the door terrified me. But I did get help. Intensive CBT for 9 months. This was on the NHS and took months to happen, and in the meantime i used Anxiety UK - a charity that allows you to pay based on what you earn. So if you are out of work, or low income, you pay a very minor contribution, but they direct you to the right therpaist. I was able to access this on the phone as i was terrified to leave the house. I also found that walking and running helped me. I drank too much to block things out and i would advise against this as it doesn't help in the long run. Any tips and support welcome.
Hi there. I've been reading your posts and my heart goes out to you. My situation was unbelievably horrendous, but I didn't have young children in the house at the time so didn't have to deal with Social Services. I think that situation is unimaginable. You have been through so much and have been hurt so terribly, yet you can write with some optimism about the future and are willing to help others. What an amazing and strong woman you must be.
I agree, how to get support in the early days of finding out about your family member - I'm assuming husband but it could be a son or other relative - is absolutely essential to discuss. I had a horrible experience trying to deal with the police. I don't think the officers who conducted the investigation had a clue about how to handle families. Maybe things are better now. My GP was very understanding, as was my employer. I also managed to find a good solicitor. Like you I wanted out of the marriage from the moment I found out what he had been doing.
I think one of the real dilemmas is knowing who to tell amongst friends and family. It's really horrible having to have that conversation and deal with their shock time and time again with each person you tell before you can ask them for support. I think I would recommend not telling too many people in the beginning, and obviously only telling people you really trust. But when not many people know, it can be terrifying going outside the house and wondering what they are thinking. Did anyone see the police cars arrive? I have been known to pretend to be out when well intentioned friends have been to visit because I just didn't want to have to pretend my life was fine.
I agree, how to get support in the early days of finding out about your family member - I'm assuming husband but it could be a son or other relative - is absolutely essential to discuss. I had a horrible experience trying to deal with the police. I don't think the officers who conducted the investigation had a clue about how to handle families. Maybe things are better now. My GP was very understanding, as was my employer. I also managed to find a good solicitor. Like you I wanted out of the marriage from the moment I found out what he had been doing.
I think one of the real dilemmas is knowing who to tell amongst friends and family. It's really horrible having to have that conversation and deal with their shock time and time again with each person you tell before you can ask them for support. I think I would recommend not telling too many people in the beginning, and obviously only telling people you really trust. But when not many people know, it can be terrifying going outside the house and wondering what they are thinking. Did anyone see the police cars arrive? I have been known to pretend to be out when well intentioned friends have been to visit because I just didn't want to have to pretend my life was fine.
Thanks Esther, this is amazing and so helpful. If this had been around for me I would not have suffered in quite so much isolation. I haven't told many people. My mum and brother, my best friend and my boss. My kids don't know! I know this is probably bizarre to people but I almost created a little world where I can lie about what happened. I tell people he left me for someone else. They believe me I think. Is this right...I don't know, I have to trust my instincts on this so I be kind to myself and don't judge myself too harshly. If it's wrong then I will apologise to those I should have told. But I did what I had to then. No the police cars were not marked so no-one saw them. I do think it's important to not tell too many people, but I was given some great advice by the headteacher - who social services forced me to tell. I was worried that the parents of my children would hate me and say i had their children at my house and I should have known. I feared so much hatred. This headteacher said 'pick one parent that you trust and tell them and you may be surprised by the response, they may not hate you or abuse you'. She was right. That parent offered me huge sympathy and it felt good not to be hated. I think you have to do what feels right though.
I absolutely agree. One thing I have learned as a result of all this is that it can be okay to have a secret life. I've always been a really open and honest person, and at first I felt bad about concealing things from people. However, I've now learned that I'm actually entitled to be in control of who knows what about me. There are loads of people who just know me as a person who got divorced. Not the reason why. I'm sure that if those people knew why, the majority would be sympathetic but that's not what I need in my life right now. I just want to be normal, not someone who has been associated (however innocently) with something that people would normally do anything to avoid even thinking about. That's why it's so good to be myself here on the forum and not feel shame or embarrassment.
Hi - I've lived with this secret for over 8 years and until just before Christmas, only my daughter and her husband knew what my son had done.
I cannot bring myself to tell my sister or brother and their families because I know the shock would be too great for them to understand. So I have been living a lie all these years and pretending my son lives abroad and I don't see him much. I hate myself for this as I am a very open and honest person - detest lies. It is one of the worst things I discovered when my son committed this crime. However, all these years later I have come to fully understand why he was covert. He is thoroughly ashamed of what he did and has paid greatly as his life is ruined.
I believe you are right - that I should be the one to decide who knows and who does not. It is really only the tiniest bit of control over this horrible situation that I have. My daughter does not understand this and is urging me to tell my family.
I'm glad that I am not the only one thinking this way.
I cannot bring myself to tell my sister or brother and their families because I know the shock would be too great for them to understand. So I have been living a lie all these years and pretending my son lives abroad and I don't see him much. I hate myself for this as I am a very open and honest person - detest lies. It is one of the worst things I discovered when my son committed this crime. However, all these years later I have come to fully understand why he was covert. He is thoroughly ashamed of what he did and has paid greatly as his life is ruined.
I believe you are right - that I should be the one to decide who knows and who does not. It is really only the tiniest bit of control over this horrible situation that I have. My daughter does not understand this and is urging me to tell my family.
I'm glad that I am not the only one thinking this way.