Family and Friends Forum

He has been in prison for 2 months. Another 12 to go. This is yet another period of limbo. Our marriage is over, but again I am the one left picking up the pieces, trying to bring order into the chaos, then I have to wait, again. Wait until the next big hurdle, on his release. Where will he go? How will he get there? Who will support him? How safe will he be?

How will our funds be divided? Will I have to sell and move? Where will I go? Organise a divorce and change my name? Him change his name? It goes on and on. And I didn’t choose this. I would have preferred it to be as it was, or as I thought it was. But it can’t ever go back to that. Too much has happened.



It seems to me that the families, in this crime, are equally, if not more, punished than the offenders themselves. At least the offender knew they were taking risks, we were oblivious to it all, yet have been thrown into some form of hell, all because we loved someone. Society seems to think that is acceptable, “blame the offender not us” “he knew what he was doing and the risks” “you must have known what he was doing” “but you seemed so close” “ they are all “p”! Tar them all with the same brush! This will live with all of us, for the rest of our lives. Is that right?

NO! society, please listen to us, take your time, try to understand. This is not back and white, there are many shades of grey. It could be your husband/partner/son/nephew...it could be happening now. Does he spend a lot of time on the internet? You trust him? SO DID I!!! I loved him and trusted him with my life. I had NO idea!



So let’s not dabble around the edges of men’s mental health, the bits that are easy to talk about, let’s not just punish these men without finding out what led them there. Let’s listen, let’s try to make it easy for them to find help and to recognise these behaviours and stop them, or at least manage them, in a supportive and loving way. If we continue to brush it all under the carpet we are allowing society to completely break down....sadly I believe we’re actually nearly there!

Hi Sadmum, he appears to be safe in prison. He is on a vulnerable prisoner wing. His holding prison had a phone in the shared cell so he could call as and when he wanted, once numbers were approved (if your son does go to prison, a list of numbers will be useful). However his current prison (they get moved) has no phone in cell and he has to queue to use one, in his very limited time out of shared cell. In less than an hour total, due to covid, he has to collect and take medicine, collect food, send mail, have a shower, exercise etc! So calls are very infrequent. I do write to him using emailaprisoner site, this means I pay for the email and for him to reply. It's not instant, as mail is printed off, and a reply sheet given which is handwritten and scanned. All mail and calls are monitored. And mail is very slow! They have a tv and a kettle, but have to buy tea coffee etc. There is a maximum amount of money they can have each week, but you can put as much in as you like which is drawn down. That is through the government website. Everything is more expensive in prison!!
Due to covid there is no work available for him, or education. It is really against human rights....but not many people are bothered about that!
A helpline for families of prisoners is good, I have sobbed down the phone, and they are very caring and help as much as they can with information.

I really hope your son doesn't get a custodial....it really doesn't benefit anybody! Try not to worry. Enjoy your time now, and hope for the best. xxx

He went into holding prison close to court. Then was sent in to another prison in the same area, which is 4 hours from where he was living and 2 hours from where I am! I believe it all depends on where there is space in a suitable prison, and I believe they try and out them near where they live closer to send of sentence. But there seems to be be nothing set in stone on anything prison related. x

Oh and no one talks about what they are in for apparently. I think it's safer that way. X

Husband has had 4 cells so far, 3 shared and one on his own. He spends the time reading and watching tv! People writing to him is really important, as then replying also takes a bit of time, and keeps him in touch with outside. He also does crosswords. Hopefully things will lift and then they can access work and education.
It is a very harsh sentance given his crime and all the work he did to address his addictive behaviour. His probation report said very low risk and suggested community....but hey...judge on the day can overrule. Hopefully your son will have a more compassionate judge!
Try not to worry too much. Xx

Thank you Lost123 and Maij. I do check in on the forums occasionally, but I find it incredibly sad to see all the new people coming on here. I sometimes attempt to answer, then get too overwhelmed as I want people to have hope, and my story isn't very hopeful! I too want to shout warnings from the rooftops, but as you say, how?! All we can do is talk to those that will listen, and hope that someday the conversation will really start.
This is all happening under the watch of the powers that be...and it's a disgrace.
X