No idea what lies ahead!
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Hi all.
The knock from the police for us came end of March, needless to say I have been stunned ever since.
My husband of 8 years and partner of 19 is now under investigation for iioc.
I have no idea how many pics as he is not wanting to talk about it.
After his initial arrest he tried to commit suicide twice, needed an operation and was in hospital for weeks.
He has been allowed home under bail conditions and CS have been involved as we have 2 children aged 4 and 9 who idiolise him and just delighted to have him home again. We had a few therapy sessions together where he gave a few answers when asked questions but remains towards me a closed book. He is having private sessions that he is paying for to try and deal with his addiction.
I had no idea this was going on. Not one person in my life knows this. Friends think he has had a break down.
I am struggling having him at home. In my opinion he is here for the sake of the kids. I have lost all respect and love for him, especially as he seems to think I don't deserve any kind of explanation. He is living in a bubble and is doing his best to block everything out. His is helping loads in the house, meeting friends and accepting invitations for us to be going out and meeting friends.
I can't do this as I know when this gets out all of our friends will hate us even more for hiding it when I knew what had happened. I don't want any part of this charade. He isn't allowing himself to think about how this has destroyed us and doesn't want to hear it. Ther is literally no one I can talk to. I am back working looking after my two children who are my world but who will be devastated when this gets out.
he has totally stuck his head in the sand while this investigation is ongoing. I'm terrified of losing everything, my lovely friends. My life and a real fear that my kids are not going to have any friends either.
to those that have read to the end of my post, thank you
The knock from the police for us came end of March, needless to say I have been stunned ever since.
My husband of 8 years and partner of 19 is now under investigation for iioc.
I have no idea how many pics as he is not wanting to talk about it.
After his initial arrest he tried to commit suicide twice, needed an operation and was in hospital for weeks.
He has been allowed home under bail conditions and CS have been involved as we have 2 children aged 4 and 9 who idiolise him and just delighted to have him home again. We had a few therapy sessions together where he gave a few answers when asked questions but remains towards me a closed book. He is having private sessions that he is paying for to try and deal with his addiction.
I had no idea this was going on. Not one person in my life knows this. Friends think he has had a break down.
I am struggling having him at home. In my opinion he is here for the sake of the kids. I have lost all respect and love for him, especially as he seems to think I don't deserve any kind of explanation. He is living in a bubble and is doing his best to block everything out. His is helping loads in the house, meeting friends and accepting invitations for us to be going out and meeting friends.
I can't do this as I know when this gets out all of our friends will hate us even more for hiding it when I knew what had happened. I don't want any part of this charade. He isn't allowing himself to think about how this has destroyed us and doesn't want to hear it. Ther is literally no one I can talk to. I am back working looking after my two children who are my world but who will be devastated when this gets out.
he has totally stuck his head in the sand while this investigation is ongoing. I'm terrified of losing everything, my lovely friends. My life and a real fear that my kids are not going to have any friends either.
to those that have read to the end of my post, thank you
Hi Starry
judt wanted to say hi as I can see similarities in your situation and the way you are feeling and just wanted to say hang in there! I'm 9 months post knock. A 30 yr happy relationship so I thought. We had to separate due to social services. It was for the best. I couldn't have functioned with him around. He's also been suicidal distraught shut away from the world in one room and sees no one . I on the other hand have to carry on working, parenting, seeing people dealing with the financial fall out . This is the hardest part / the secret and how long will it be that way. Do what's best for you and the kids - if you need that space - demand it. You dont have to make long term decisions . Try and stay positive and keep life as normal as you can and use the forum for support and advice. Look after yourself it's a long road. I wish you well on it x
judt wanted to say hi as I can see similarities in your situation and the way you are feeling and just wanted to say hang in there! I'm 9 months post knock. A 30 yr happy relationship so I thought. We had to separate due to social services. It was for the best. I couldn't have functioned with him around. He's also been suicidal distraught shut away from the world in one room and sees no one . I on the other hand have to carry on working, parenting, seeing people dealing with the financial fall out . This is the hardest part / the secret and how long will it be that way. Do what's best for you and the kids - if you need that space - demand it. You dont have to make long term decisions . Try and stay positive and keep life as normal as you can and use the forum for support and advice. Look after yourself it's a long road. I wish you well on it x
Hello Starry,
My only annoyance with this forum is that when we click reply we cannot see the original post to refer back to so I do apologise if I miss anything out.
I'm pleased to hear your other half is paying for therapy. It's really important in their recovery.
In my husbands case it took him a while to open up to me (which hurt) but the further he got into therapy the easier he found this. It broke me knowing he was holding things back from me but once he was strong enough to share I realised this was for the best. I really hope this is the case for you too.
I am almost 2 years post nock now. I still have good and bad days - I feel the pandemic has delayed our recovery by the best part of a year.
To put a spin on your case. Is it possible that he isn't aware of how many images there are and is therefore coming across as not sharing, to protect you? Unfortunately many of our men are porn addicts and it's not until forensics return with their evidence that the men realise just how many images/videos they've received.
It is a really tough journey we're all thrown into with no warning. Emotions are all over the place and constantly changing. Our worlds are torn apart.
It's really important to try and focus on small chunks of time instead of too far into the future- which is easier said than done sometimes.
My only annoyance with this forum is that when we click reply we cannot see the original post to refer back to so I do apologise if I miss anything out.
I'm pleased to hear your other half is paying for therapy. It's really important in their recovery.
In my husbands case it took him a while to open up to me (which hurt) but the further he got into therapy the easier he found this. It broke me knowing he was holding things back from me but once he was strong enough to share I realised this was for the best. I really hope this is the case for you too.
I am almost 2 years post nock now. I still have good and bad days - I feel the pandemic has delayed our recovery by the best part of a year.
To put a spin on your case. Is it possible that he isn't aware of how many images there are and is therefore coming across as not sharing, to protect you? Unfortunately many of our men are porn addicts and it's not until forensics return with their evidence that the men realise just how many images/videos they've received.
It is a really tough journey we're all thrown into with no warning. Emotions are all over the place and constantly changing. Our worlds are torn apart.
It's really important to try and focus on small chunks of time instead of too far into the future- which is easier said than done sometimes.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply.
we did have a very open and honest chat the other night. Started off by him.
He now knows the damage he has done and the impact this has had on me and the kids and I was very honest. I cried for about 3 hours and didn't sleep well so felt terrible yesterday with a migraine too.
My greatest fear is this getting out. I do no not want my children excluded from play dates and parties etc..... they are children and not to blame for any of this. I feel if this gets out then I will have no choice but to leave him and move out of our lovely home to give our kids the chance of a normal life as I feel if I stay people and our friends will not want to know me either. His solicitor has said in all the time she has done this only 2 cases in our area for reported in the media where we live as they were famous people. Possibly if it stays quiet then there may be a small chance of us staying together for the sake of the children.
he did say now he would move out but I can't break the kids hearts so he is staying
x
we did have a very open and honest chat the other night. Started off by him.
He now knows the damage he has done and the impact this has had on me and the kids and I was very honest. I cried for about 3 hours and didn't sleep well so felt terrible yesterday with a migraine too.
My greatest fear is this getting out. I do no not want my children excluded from play dates and parties etc..... they are children and not to blame for any of this. I feel if this gets out then I will have no choice but to leave him and move out of our lovely home to give our kids the chance of a normal life as I feel if I stay people and our friends will not want to know me either. His solicitor has said in all the time she has done this only 2 cases in our area for reported in the media where we live as they were famous people. Possibly if it stays quiet then there may be a small chance of us staying together for the sake of the children.
he did say now he would move out but I can't break the kids hearts so he is staying
x
Hello Starry,
It's good to hear you've had a good talk together.
The fear of things getting out is enormous for us families and friends who get sent down this road. Especially when there's children involved who we want to protect. I know it was my biggest fear for my children. It seems to be very hit and miss which cases make it into the media and which ones do not. I do wish those who have children under the age of 18 could request for cases to remain anonymous.
Have you got anyone local to you who you trust & can share things with for support?
It's good to hear you've had a good talk together.
The fear of things getting out is enormous for us families and friends who get sent down this road. Especially when there's children involved who we want to protect. I know it was my biggest fear for my children. It seems to be very hit and miss which cases make it into the media and which ones do not. I do wish those who have children under the age of 18 could request for cases to remain anonymous.
Have you got anyone local to you who you trust & can share things with for support?
Post deleted by user
Thank you for your reply.
wouldn't that be a great idea to protect our little ones under 18 to not have it spread about....... if only. Did your story get out??
Its honestly my greatest fear to have this get out and be even more on my own than I feel now.
I have a lovely bunch of friends from school and work colleagues who are more than just colleagues and lovely friends I have met through my children.
I feel like I know exactly how they will react and no one will want anything to do with us or my children. I have no family around me at all either. I often think how would I react if it was one of my friends going through this and I honestly feel I would support them and their children but this is such a thought provoking taboo topic that sickens people I don't want to take that risk of letting anyone in. Makes it so hard tho.
x
wouldn't that be a great idea to protect our little ones under 18 to not have it spread about....... if only. Did your story get out??
Its honestly my greatest fear to have this get out and be even more on my own than I feel now.
I have a lovely bunch of friends from school and work colleagues who are more than just colleagues and lovely friends I have met through my children.
I feel like I know exactly how they will react and no one will want anything to do with us or my children. I have no family around me at all either. I often think how would I react if it was one of my friends going through this and I honestly feel I would support them and their children but this is such a thought provoking taboo topic that sickens people I don't want to take that risk of letting anyone in. Makes it so hard tho.
x
It infuriates me that we end up with social services checking in on us to protect our children, yet there's no way of us protecting them from the media & the consequences of things going public.
I was 'lucky' in the sense that the CPS dropped my husbands case. They had forensic evidence & his interviews where he admitted pocession & sending images but the CPS decided it wasn't worth pursuing and therefore it didn't hit the media.
My work did find out through social services and the police though as I work in a school. This has its pros and cons. It meant my boss and safeguarding lead were aware (which I wouldn't have chosen) but it meant I had a small support network which helped. Although, it does haunt me some days that they know. I told 1 other person too who has been my rock but it wasn't intended - I completely broke down 1 day and it all flooded out. Luckily she'd never breathe a word to anyone and is very open minded and nonjudgemental. My family and friends are all clueless.
I am at the stage where I'm trying to rebuild our family life but I have no idea if it's possible. My husbands actions and what he's put us through haunt me.
It's a long journey but the best piece of advice I could give you is to take each day as it comes. Reach out to your GP if you need some support and take some time for yourself.
This forum was and still is a lifesaver for me. I honestly have no idea how I would've coped with the members on here. I just wish we was all on here for a different reason.
I was 'lucky' in the sense that the CPS dropped my husbands case. They had forensic evidence & his interviews where he admitted pocession & sending images but the CPS decided it wasn't worth pursuing and therefore it didn't hit the media.
My work did find out through social services and the police though as I work in a school. This has its pros and cons. It meant my boss and safeguarding lead were aware (which I wouldn't have chosen) but it meant I had a small support network which helped. Although, it does haunt me some days that they know. I told 1 other person too who has been my rock but it wasn't intended - I completely broke down 1 day and it all flooded out. Luckily she'd never breathe a word to anyone and is very open minded and nonjudgemental. My family and friends are all clueless.
I am at the stage where I'm trying to rebuild our family life but I have no idea if it's possible. My husbands actions and what he's put us through haunt me.
It's a long journey but the best piece of advice I could give you is to take each day as it comes. Reach out to your GP if you need some support and take some time for yourself.
This forum was and still is a lifesaver for me. I honestly have no idea how I would've coped with the members on here. I just wish we was all on here for a different reason.
Hi starry we have just started this journey i too feel no love for him only pity ..he has opened up but only because i have pushed he wrote me a 8 page letter saying he had been abused as a child .. going into detail .. i reallly feel fir him but i still cant understand .. luckily no kids ..
Hes been to court first appearance has bail as i am still here other wise he would have been detained ..
Wr have been through so much he had a masduvd brain anurism in April 2017 i saved his life! ..
He has just undergone brain surgery 2 weeks befire the knock at the door ..
Im in shock he keeps saying he is broken ..
I don't know what to do hes f#$#$#@ up his life and taken me with him ???? ..
Sorry wrote a book there
I hope you too get the help yoy need and your kids are ok x
Susie
Hes been to court first appearance has bail as i am still here other wise he would have been detained ..
Wr have been through so much he had a masduvd brain anurism in April 2017 i saved his life! ..
He has just undergone brain surgery 2 weeks befire the knock at the door ..
Im in shock he keeps saying he is broken ..
I don't know what to do hes f#$#$#@ up his life and taken me with him ???? ..
Sorry wrote a book there
I hope you too get the help yoy need and your kids are ok x
Susie
Susie. I totally agree with you. @£&!!their own lives and taking us down with them.
I am just so terrified of losing everything I have ever had. I dont have any family to turn to so my friends are everything to me.
I just know everyone will hate me when this comes out, judge me for staying if I do.
x
I am just so terrified of losing everything I have ever had. I dont have any family to turn to so my friends are everything to me.
I just know everyone will hate me when this comes out, judge me for staying if I do.
x