Hasty decisions
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Hi,
Knock was July last year, communication with a decoy. I was pregnant at the time and have two older children who aren't his. Was completely petrified of losing my children and of the dreaded p word. Fast forward to today, ss closed the case after agreeing supervised contact with our daughter. He got a suspended sentence, shpo and on the register. Other conversations were found so probation referred again to ss who are happy for the plan to stay as it is.
We are now looking at the potential of us being a couple again at some point. Has anyone been in this situation? We are a long way off this happening in terms of my trust levels and emotional state. He mentioned it to his probation officer to get some advice really because he's never had to deal with any of this before, he did say it would be in a few years time if it happens at all. His probation officer said that it would be very unlikely that he'd ever be able to live with us and apparently quizzed him about if we are in a relationship as she would need to know. I may be missing something completely but if we were to decide to work things through why would she have to know? If we ever got to the stage where we felt that the relationship was at a point where he would be looking to move back in or stay overnight I'd contact ss myself. At the moment we see each other once a week with his parents there too as we all supervise contact. Should we get to a stage where we were looking to go on dates or couples counselling etc this would be done while our daughter was with a babysitter so we would sticking to the safety plan fully. Any advice would be appreciated please.
Sorry for the essay, I should add that his po has told him not to do the Lucy Faithfull courses to wait until he does his mandatory one but he hasn't got a date for this yet. He's having counselling that he is funding himself at the moment because the waiting lists are ridiculous for mental health support at the moment. Thanks for reading xx
Knock was July last year, communication with a decoy. I was pregnant at the time and have two older children who aren't his. Was completely petrified of losing my children and of the dreaded p word. Fast forward to today, ss closed the case after agreeing supervised contact with our daughter. He got a suspended sentence, shpo and on the register. Other conversations were found so probation referred again to ss who are happy for the plan to stay as it is.
We are now looking at the potential of us being a couple again at some point. Has anyone been in this situation? We are a long way off this happening in terms of my trust levels and emotional state. He mentioned it to his probation officer to get some advice really because he's never had to deal with any of this before, he did say it would be in a few years time if it happens at all. His probation officer said that it would be very unlikely that he'd ever be able to live with us and apparently quizzed him about if we are in a relationship as she would need to know. I may be missing something completely but if we were to decide to work things through why would she have to know? If we ever got to the stage where we felt that the relationship was at a point where he would be looking to move back in or stay overnight I'd contact ss myself. At the moment we see each other once a week with his parents there too as we all supervise contact. Should we get to a stage where we were looking to go on dates or couples counselling etc this would be done while our daughter was with a babysitter so we would sticking to the safety plan fully. Any advice would be appreciated please.
Sorry for the essay, I should add that his po has told him not to do the Lucy Faithfull courses to wait until he does his mandatory one but he hasn't got a date for this yet. He's having counselling that he is funding himself at the moment because the waiting lists are ridiculous for mental health support at the moment. Thanks for reading xx
Hi sorry I don't have answers to ur questions but was wondering how long it took from u going from ur partner having no contact with the children to supervised contact? We are 8 months into the investigation of images on the devices on a child protection plan with no contact. I want some kind of contact for our youngest
stay safe x
stay safe x
Hi Rusty,
He was in prison until sentencing so ss had agreed to supervised contact and closed the case 4 months before he was released and our daughter was born. He has no contact with my older children as they are not his and don't want contact. I'm sorry I can't be of any help really. The only thing I would say that may be useful is to email your sw so you have a paper trail. Have they given any indication as to why they can't see him? Could this change if it was through a contact centre or a person who you trust? My sw met his parents and we had a meeting together so that the sw could assess them. I don't know your story, but could something like this happen in your case? Good luck xx
He was in prison until sentencing so ss had agreed to supervised contact and closed the case 4 months before he was released and our daughter was born. He has no contact with my older children as they are not his and don't want contact. I'm sorry I can't be of any help really. The only thing I would say that may be useful is to email your sw so you have a paper trail. Have they given any indication as to why they can't see him? Could this change if it was through a contact centre or a person who you trust? My sw met his parents and we had a meeting together so that the sw could assess them. I don't know your story, but could something like this happen in your case? Good luck xx
Hi Lee,
Thank you. I feel completely clueless tbh. I have spoken to his po once very briefly. I explained then that I was supporting him, as the father of my child regardless of our relationship. If he were to ever reoffend this would not be the case and I'd stop all contact with him for both myself and our daughter.
I feel it is far too early for another referral to ss as we're not in a position to have any sort of relationship. The only time that we spend together is with his parents and our daughter and is spent teaching him how to be a parent (she's his only child so all new to him). We speak on the phone most days and have decided to wait until baby is older and I feel more comfortable leaving her with either my parents or his before spending any additional time together to discuss things or do couples counselling.
I have spoken to my older children and whilst neither are thrilled they are mature enough to understand that relationships are complex. I have told them that I would never put him before any of my children and they wouldn't have to see him if they choose not to. One goes to uni this year and the other plans to in a couple of years. They know that they will always have a home with me for as long as they need it and that I wouldn't move him in if they were still living with me and their views on him were as they are now.
I was thinking about requesting a meeting with his po to go through our "plan" although at this stage it really is more of an idea than a plan. Do you think it is too soon and I should wait until our daughter is old enough for me to leave her to do the couple's counselling? The last thing I want right now is ss getting involved again and rushing me into something that I'm not 100% confident can ever happen xx
Thank you. I feel completely clueless tbh. I have spoken to his po once very briefly. I explained then that I was supporting him, as the father of my child regardless of our relationship. If he were to ever reoffend this would not be the case and I'd stop all contact with him for both myself and our daughter.
I feel it is far too early for another referral to ss as we're not in a position to have any sort of relationship. The only time that we spend together is with his parents and our daughter and is spent teaching him how to be a parent (she's his only child so all new to him). We speak on the phone most days and have decided to wait until baby is older and I feel more comfortable leaving her with either my parents or his before spending any additional time together to discuss things or do couples counselling.
I have spoken to my older children and whilst neither are thrilled they are mature enough to understand that relationships are complex. I have told them that I would never put him before any of my children and they wouldn't have to see him if they choose not to. One goes to uni this year and the other plans to in a couple of years. They know that they will always have a home with me for as long as they need it and that I wouldn't move him in if they were still living with me and their views on him were as they are now.
I was thinking about requesting a meeting with his po to go through our "plan" although at this stage it really is more of an idea than a plan. Do you think it is too soon and I should wait until our daughter is old enough for me to leave her to do the couple's counselling? The last thing I want right now is ss getting involved again and rushing me into something that I'm not 100% confident can ever happen xx
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I do hope that we can resolve things as we had such a good life together. It has taken me time to realise that what has happened hasn't changed that. He was essentially living two separate lives, he has described it as not conscious decisions like it didn't seem real. There is addiction there and he has made the decision to come off chat sites completely and not to watch any porn. I truly believe that he wants to be the best person, father and partner that he can be and I will support him fully. I'll suggest to him that he mentions the course to his po again because I think it would help with the feelings of self loathing he is having xx