Family and Friends Forum

Sorry in advance for my long post but it has taken me a while to be brave enough to actually post on here. So not sure really where to start. My partner was recently sentenced to 4 years for viewing downloading and sharing illegal images and videos that were all category A B and C. He is also on the sex offenders list for life. We have been together for 15 months. He first did this about 6 months before we met. But was never charged or arrested, but was being investigated. About 4 months into our relationship he was taken in for questioning as he had been caught again. At this point he had no choice but to tell me. That was a conversation I never expected to be having! By then I had fallen in love and made the decision to stand by him. He had previously been having councelling which he started again at this point but due to covid it never went well. He says it never worked for him as it was either over the phone or by zoom. He was arrested again about 3 and a half months ago and this time was charged and was on remand until he was sentenced about 3 months ago. The case went to Crown court. Due to him moving area after the very first offence he was charged for offences by 2 different police forces. This obviously meant the 2 cases had to be merged and went from Magistrates to Crown court. Once he was charged he pleaded guilty straight away. Again I decided to stand by him. I thought he had been dealing with the investigation and thought I was helping him. How wrong I was as he continued to fall deeper into the black hole. Hearing everything in court was heartbreaking. I never realised just how bad things were. He had been living 2 lives. I actually do not know how he managed to survive. I can only imagine the stress and despair he must have been dealing with on a daily basis. I was also shocked he had never been charged the first time, but on reading lots of stories on here and other forums I now realise how long things take. Also a part of me back then thought it cannot be that bad as he would surely have been charged. He also said the same to me. Is that naive or stupid, who knows. When it happened it was reported on his local news. Reading the online article was horrendous. Had I not been in court I would have been even more shocked, (by how things were taken out of context) the article made him sound like the most henious monster ever. But that is not the man I fell in love with. We have been talking on the phone and have had one visit so far (thanks covid) and we have been writing to each other and he has been writing a journal which he sends to me in instalments. He is trying to figure out how he ended up in this dark place by examining his past life and relationships. It is not pretty reading for either of us but I hope and believe it will help both of us. Its very emotional and honest. As we live in different cities I was hoping it would not become public knowledge where I live. Well that was wishful thinking. It became known to a group of my friends, and was shared on fb by one of these friends which nearly killed me. These friends are no longer on my friends radar. Some were disgusted by it and said they could no longer be friends but were not nasty about it, whereas others have been vile to me. And all because I said I was in contact with him and that I was trying to process and understand it myself. Had I declared he was a monster and that I hated him I would have had their support. I learnt very quickly at that point to be very careful and somewhat economical with the truth which has just added to my stress. As it was shared on fb by this friend I am now really paranoid. We had about 80 fb friends in common and I keep wondering who knows and also what they know. I worry about being shunned by these friends if I see them out and about. This has been more stressful that what he has done. Is that crazy?? I had told a few really close friends who have been very supportive. They admit they do not understand and have advised I gradually cut ties but will support me whatever my decision. Obviously I then had to tell my immediate family. They were devastated and heartbroken for me and have been great. Although my sister has said I really should break all ties. My mum basically said the same which resulted in tears from both of us and an argument. We have agreed to not talk about it or him unless I want to. The really hard part is they think I am just trying to understand everything whilst trying to be a friend as well as support his eldery parents. I cannot imagine their reaction if they knew we were still together. I have grown up children who have been brilliant. My eldest knows we are together still, my youngest thinks I am just being supportive. It really is such a mess. I feel I am living such a lie. My partner is desperate for help to ensure this never happens again and that he (we) can live a happy healthy live together with total honesty. Am I mad to think this is a possibility?? I have told him I will stand by him and that I want to be with him but I have also told him things could change, 4 years is a long time. Even before learning what I now know about this from him and the many many other people on forums like this who are going through hell I have always said nothing is black and white. Do I think he just woke up one morning and thought "I know let me look at child pornography" No I do not. I really do believe he has made the worst choices ever after being in a very dark place for many years for various reasons. Unhealthy relationships, stress, suffering from depression, 2 previous suicide attempts, financial stress, work pressure, peer pressure, a marriage breakdown many years ago, 10 years of hell with another ex who he has a child with etc. I do believe what started as chatting in chat rooms sharing porn etc spiralled out of control with the worst outcome ever. He has a ten year old son, and this has resulted in him losing all contact until he is 18, whether that relationship can ever be salvaged is the million dollar question. If his ex has anything to do with it he will never see him again as she has blocked him at every opportunity over the last ten years. She never wanted a partner just another baby and the maintenance to go with it. He had told me all this when we met but I will be honest I took all that with a pinch of salt. However since he was arrested and he gave me full access to all his email, FB instagram accounts etc to close down etc I have actually seen what she has put him through over the years. And I have to say as a parent it was very sad to read. He adores his son, so again another heavy price to pay and something else he has to live with for the rest of his life. As I have told people that do know should this define him for the rest of his life. I dont think it should. So am I being stupid thinking we can have any kind of future. Will I ever trust him again, (words my mum has repeatedly said to me.) I am so confused. I love him to bits but it is so hard. It is crazy when nobody knew it was really hard and stressful keeping this massive thing a secret. After he was arrested I told everyone we had broken up for private reasons which shocked everyone as we were so happy. But now it is out it is more stressful in a different way. I am exhausted talking about it. I am drained thinking about it (which is practically every second of the day). His parents have been a great support to me as I have to them but I dont want to keep talking to them as I worry about them. Also our communication is very different to his and theirs. His mum said to me he does not say as much to them as he is trying to protect them but the truth is they do not ask the questions that I do. Sometimes I re-read what I have sent him and even I think it can be quite brutal. But we have both said the only way forward and for any chance of a future is total honesty with nothing held back which he agrees with 100%. And its not because they are in the dark about anything as they know every single thing there is to know. There were other issues with him as well that were going on over the years, which whilst not illegal were morally wrong. They know EVERYTHING. I think the difference is they will love him regardless as their son (and their only child) where as a partner I can walk away at anytime. So I do need answers however hard for both of us and also to for him to be held accountable for what he has done. Which he finally is now it has all caught up with him. Oh why could he have not asked for help before it came to all of this, probably something we can all agree on. So I guess the question is where do I go from here as I am so sad, confused, angry and upset that he has ended up here. I really thought I had met my forever partner.

Hi Totalyheartbroken



I am glad you still have each other. Its a very isolating situation. My partner really wants to be a better person and get all the help he can. Meanwhile I am left with so much grief from everyone else, on top of my own feelings about him and what he has done. The peer pressure I am feeling is off the scale crazy. I feel I have to please everyone else because they cannot or do not want to understand this situation. And if one more person tells me they could accept it if he had murdered someone I think I will scream ????????????????



I am feeling very angry at the moment because of everyone elses views and attitudes x

Well I would like to say that things have improved since I posted my original post but sadly they have not. My grown up children (early 20's) have just told me I have to choose between him or them. That totally floored me. They have previously been so supportive of myself and him. I think this is more from peer pressure that actually about him. I have not talked to them yet as I am to sad, angry and frustrated, but I know I cannot put it off forever. When I thought I had no tears left I was wrong.



Any advice greatly appreciated.