Has the experience you have gone/are going through changed you in anyway?
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Hi
I asked the above question as I was recently taken aside at work to be told it's been noticed that I've changed since the knock (8 months ago) the person my manager knows about the situation I'm going through and some of the stuff I've gone through and said it's made me an angry person.
I was told not to let it define me, change me and that when they ask me how I am I come across as angry in my reply (I suppose after saying I'm fine so many times it becomes hard to fake that I am.) I told him I was afraid of it coming out in the press and at work if he goes to court and my manager asked will that happen? Then says not to worry or think about things that have not happened yet.
He says people will stop bothering with me if I keep coming across snappy with them - after thinking about it I now know that if they do then these people are not friends and are not worth my time.
* I work alone as well as with others. when I'm cleaning the room allocated to me I'm alone then and tend to swear at myself if I drop something or hurt myself. I'm quieter than I was before the knock and withdraw into my shell when I'm working with others now.
I messaged my ex and my best friend and told them what the manager had said and the answer I got was them calling him a few names I will not repeat and saying he shouldn't have said that to me. I just wanted some thoughts from people going through this also if f anyone can tell how I'm supposed to keep going and be normal while fighting this demon, SW and worrying about my children and my ex.
thanks
I asked the above question as I was recently taken aside at work to be told it's been noticed that I've changed since the knock (8 months ago) the person my manager knows about the situation I'm going through and some of the stuff I've gone through and said it's made me an angry person.
I was told not to let it define me, change me and that when they ask me how I am I come across as angry in my reply (I suppose after saying I'm fine so many times it becomes hard to fake that I am.) I told him I was afraid of it coming out in the press and at work if he goes to court and my manager asked will that happen? Then says not to worry or think about things that have not happened yet.
He says people will stop bothering with me if I keep coming across snappy with them - after thinking about it I now know that if they do then these people are not friends and are not worth my time.
* I work alone as well as with others. when I'm cleaning the room allocated to me I'm alone then and tend to swear at myself if I drop something or hurt myself. I'm quieter than I was before the knock and withdraw into my shell when I'm working with others now.
I messaged my ex and my best friend and told them what the manager had said and the answer I got was them calling him a few names I will not repeat and saying he shouldn't have said that to me. I just wanted some thoughts from people going through this also if f anyone can tell how I'm supposed to keep going and be normal while fighting this demon, SW and worrying about my children and my ex.
thanks
Hi rusty
I changed loads and people have commented how redrawn I have become. I believe these people don't know. It's the constant pressure of pretending your fine.
I don't think any of us will ever be the same again. We have become much stronger people, but it is the constant fear of people finding out.
Anne
I changed loads and people have commented how redrawn I have become. I believe these people don't know. It's the constant pressure of pretending your fine.
I don't think any of us will ever be the same again. We have become much stronger people, but it is the constant fear of people finding out.
Anne
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I have changed, I can't trust anyone, I can't have another relationship, so looks like I'll die alone, I'm so lonely. I panic about everything, if I get a phone call from someone I don't know, I start panicking that he's done another thing illegal and putting me and my daughter in more danger. He's fine though, loads of friends, girlfriends, it's me and my daughter who have to suffer and deal with his crimes.
It's early days for me but I have definitely changed - I have a white hot anger inside which I've never felt before. I listen to people going on about their problems (which of course are very real to them) and I nod politely but I really really don't care and have lost all previous motivation to try to help them. I feel like my life has been totally smashed and I'll never be the same again. I haven't told a single person so I don't know whether people's perception of me is different but I think I have more aggression and am more outspoken than before because I really don't care!
Sending hugs to you all x
Sending hugs to you all x
Hi all, I don’t think any of us are the same person after, but in a way it makes us stronger. It’s been over a year for me, when it first happened I just felt like running away, I moved out of my house temporarily I asked for a transfer at work (which I didn’t get) I was so scared of people finding out, that was the worst bit for me waiting to see if it came out in the media. When people did most people were kind, shocked of course also sympathetic, which I can’t help feeling now people still feel sorry for me which is what I don’t want I want to fit back in a normal life, partner etc. It’s a very lonely place sometimes because I feel people can’t fully understand.
Rusty this is probably the reason why u say your more angry and snappy it’s probably the not knowing the outcome and waiting to see if people find out, as well as worrying about your children, it puts you under a lot of pressure and stress. I think your boss should be more understanding.
Rusty this is probably the reason why u say your more angry and snappy it’s probably the not knowing the outcome and waiting to see if people find out, as well as worrying about your children, it puts you under a lot of pressure and stress. I think your boss should be more understanding.
Thank you so much for all ur replies.
cher- I know how u feel I dread the phone ringing and realise this is it for me relationship wise.
All of ur replies had some resemblance as to what I'm going through, how I feel or how it's all changed me. even don't choose to be here but we are because of another persons actions and no fault of our own.
I asked this question because of what my manager had said to me and reading ur replies brought tears to my eyes and the courage to tell him I think he's wrong and that he'd upset me. I tried to explain the daily pressure of living with this and how it's also affected the children but I really don't think he understood me or thought he's done something wrong.
ive since spoken to another manager mainly to see if his opinions are shared by them all and if they had had a little head to head and talked about me and all came to this conclusion about me. (This manager knows all I'm going through and is the one in the workplace I go to to confide in) this one does not agree with him and all he says and is furious about it. They say he's wrong for saying what he said and shouldn't have said it to me and is going to have a word to see why he did it.
I've also spoken to the union who also say he's in the wrong. I told them of course it's changed me I've got to be strong for my children and fight for them and to keep a roof over our head.
After speaking to the other manager and union I felt 10 times better and like a weights lifted off me shoulders. It's nice to know I have the support at work when needed and the support here also. Thank you all once again.
Stay safe x
cher- I know how u feel I dread the phone ringing and realise this is it for me relationship wise.
All of ur replies had some resemblance as to what I'm going through, how I feel or how it's all changed me. even don't choose to be here but we are because of another persons actions and no fault of our own.
I asked this question because of what my manager had said to me and reading ur replies brought tears to my eyes and the courage to tell him I think he's wrong and that he'd upset me. I tried to explain the daily pressure of living with this and how it's also affected the children but I really don't think he understood me or thought he's done something wrong.
ive since spoken to another manager mainly to see if his opinions are shared by them all and if they had had a little head to head and talked about me and all came to this conclusion about me. (This manager knows all I'm going through and is the one in the workplace I go to to confide in) this one does not agree with him and all he says and is furious about it. They say he's wrong for saying what he said and shouldn't have said it to me and is going to have a word to see why he did it.
I've also spoken to the union who also say he's in the wrong. I told them of course it's changed me I've got to be strong for my children and fight for them and to keep a roof over our head.
After speaking to the other manager and union I felt 10 times better and like a weights lifted off me shoulders. It's nice to know I have the support at work when needed and the support here also. Thank you all once again.
Stay safe x
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Hi All,
I've just popped onto the forum and this post stood out. This experience has undoubtedly changed me. I had many months of very mixed emotions. It was a very deep grief, with the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that, and a great deal of fear and shame thrown in for good measure. And let's not forget the trauma of the knock and livestream.
A friend who recently lost her husband to cancer said she felt my grief is much worse, as it is such a complex situation with the addition of public outrage, no celebration of his life and our life together, no sympathy cards/flowers/casseroles, and no closure.
I can say now though, that this experience has left me being a kinder, more compassionate person. I don't judge others, I now know that we can never tell what is going on in others lives, either now or historically. I listen more, really listen, I am more sensitive to others and I have a deeper understanding of mental health problems, of loss, and sadly, of the lives prisoners and their family and friends.
I think I previously had a very blinkered and privileged life that I took for granted. I have discovered mindfulness, meditation and joy in the smallest of things.
It has not been an easy journey. I still cry and want to scream, I am still dealing with the ripple effect, but I have strategies in place. I have read so many books, researched, talked and talked and talked. Reached out for help from peers. Had therapy. Most importantly I have friends and family around me that love support and encourage me to carry on.
I now look for ways to help others, I continue to try to raise awareness, in my small way, and I walk with my head held high. I am a survivor. I am not be pitied, I am to be admired. I know, without question, that this can happen to anyone. This makes me sad, but equally determined to not let this life changing event just pass by without me trying to use my experience to help others avoid being in my shoes.
Love and strength to you all. And Rusty, I admire that fact that you are not a only dealing with this, you are supporting your children and holding down a job....that's amazing! Be proud of yourself!
xx
I've just popped onto the forum and this post stood out. This experience has undoubtedly changed me. I had many months of very mixed emotions. It was a very deep grief, with the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that, and a great deal of fear and shame thrown in for good measure. And let's not forget the trauma of the knock and livestream.
A friend who recently lost her husband to cancer said she felt my grief is much worse, as it is such a complex situation with the addition of public outrage, no celebration of his life and our life together, no sympathy cards/flowers/casseroles, and no closure.
I can say now though, that this experience has left me being a kinder, more compassionate person. I don't judge others, I now know that we can never tell what is going on in others lives, either now or historically. I listen more, really listen, I am more sensitive to others and I have a deeper understanding of mental health problems, of loss, and sadly, of the lives prisoners and their family and friends.
I think I previously had a very blinkered and privileged life that I took for granted. I have discovered mindfulness, meditation and joy in the smallest of things.
It has not been an easy journey. I still cry and want to scream, I am still dealing with the ripple effect, but I have strategies in place. I have read so many books, researched, talked and talked and talked. Reached out for help from peers. Had therapy. Most importantly I have friends and family around me that love support and encourage me to carry on.
I now look for ways to help others, I continue to try to raise awareness, in my small way, and I walk with my head held high. I am a survivor. I am not be pitied, I am to be admired. I know, without question, that this can happen to anyone. This makes me sad, but equally determined to not let this life changing event just pass by without me trying to use my experience to help others avoid being in my shoes.
Love and strength to you all. And Rusty, I admire that fact that you are not a only dealing with this, you are supporting your children and holding down a job....that's amazing! Be proud of yourself!
xx
Maij
You expressed my thoughts perfectly, especially talking about friends and saying 'would they want to speak to me if they knew or indeed have anything to do with us, and am I taking advantage of their friendship by not giving them the choice.' I'm slightly distancing myself from friends for this very reason, I almost feel as if I'm fooling them, especially my closest friend who I've known since childhood. This is one area where Covid is a good thing, I've been able to legitimately avoid people!
L x
You expressed my thoughts perfectly, especially talking about friends and saying 'would they want to speak to me if they knew or indeed have anything to do with us, and am I taking advantage of their friendship by not giving them the choice.' I'm slightly distancing myself from friends for this very reason, I almost feel as if I'm fooling them, especially my closest friend who I've known since childhood. This is one area where Covid is a good thing, I've been able to legitimately avoid people!
L x
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Tabs, I really relate to what you say about being more compassionate to others and not truly knowing what others are going through, I have been so much more tolerant since it happen.
Our knock was a live stream 9 weeks ago from our home, husband RUI. He has not returned home as fear of reprisals to our home and me, we live in a small tough village. I think that because from day 1 , I have had the knowledge that people in our local community and much wider due to Facebook know, you are not having to deal also with the fear of people finding out, so you can channel you feelings and emotions in a different way.
Don't get me wrong , I still cry at the slightest thing and go to bed drained every day. I also stop and think how many others around me are holding on to their secret and feeling so alone because this doesn't get talked about enough.
I returned to the gym in May , this was something that I done with my husband and gym friends knew us as a couple. I was dreading how people would react to me. They have been great, not one person has made me feel uncomfortable, it's like they have also chosen not to ask me anything about it or about him . so please try to do something that you love because that will help with your balance we are all trying juggle x
Our knock was a live stream 9 weeks ago from our home, husband RUI. He has not returned home as fear of reprisals to our home and me, we live in a small tough village. I think that because from day 1 , I have had the knowledge that people in our local community and much wider due to Facebook know, you are not having to deal also with the fear of people finding out, so you can channel you feelings and emotions in a different way.
Don't get me wrong , I still cry at the slightest thing and go to bed drained every day. I also stop and think how many others around me are holding on to their secret and feeling so alone because this doesn't get talked about enough.
I returned to the gym in May , this was something that I done with my husband and gym friends knew us as a couple. I was dreading how people would react to me. They have been great, not one person has made me feel uncomfortable, it's like they have also chosen not to ask me anything about it or about him . so please try to do something that you love because that will help with your balance we are all trying juggle x
Thank you so much for your kind words Maij. It is so uplifting to know I'm seen and heard! I have recently discovered Dr Gabor Mate....his thoughts on how we live and our society are very thought provoking. Together with this experience, it has taught me that no one should be ignored and defined by a 'label' . We need to look deeper and try and understand all others, and that goes too for our relationship with ourselves. I try to live that way, and it makes me happier. Xx
Bless, I'm sure you're right. Although a totally horrendous thing to go through the livestream means that secrecy is not an option. One less thing to worry about. I tried to get ahead of the video and social media and spent the first couple of days phoning everyone to warn them. I didn't want our godchildren and family and friends to find out in such a public and horrid way. I also visited neighbours and close by friends. I was in shock, a mess. They saw it. And all of them have been amazingly supportive and loving. When distant friends see me and ask how I am, I am honest, they may know already, so I don't want to lie. For strangers, they don't know me, so I don't talk about my past.
I wish I was a gym goer, but I hate it! I am a gardener, being in the garden is my medicine, being at one with nature.
I hope all goes well for you, my husband is sadly in prison. Not expected at all. One conversation with a vigilante and arrange to meet. Nothing else on his devices, no searches for underage etc.....i had a wobble, but again, it's out there, I can't hide it. As I see it the worst happened on the livestream, the public gave him a sentence then.
I think I'm actually stronger and calmer than I have ever been! Isn't it odd?!
Xx
I wish I was a gym goer, but I hate it! I am a gardener, being in the garden is my medicine, being at one with nature.
I hope all goes well for you, my husband is sadly in prison. Not expected at all. One conversation with a vigilante and arrange to meet. Nothing else on his devices, no searches for underage etc.....i had a wobble, but again, it's out there, I can't hide it. As I see it the worst happened on the livestream, the public gave him a sentence then.
I think I'm actually stronger and calmer than I have ever been! Isn't it odd?!
Xx
Hi, we're 9 months in and husband still under investigation with no news and it has absolutely changed me.
I've had periods of being angry, depressed (was on meds), burnt out at work, anxious, suspicious, intolerant and withdrawn. It is impossible to go through this, with all the uncertainty, stigma and lack of information unscathed.
I've learnt that sharing what we're going through with trusted friends, family and colleagues (giving varying degrees of detail) has made a massive difference to my ability to cope and my mental health.
9 months in we are no further into knowing what will happen (my husband is adamant he knows nothing about the image) and I have learnt to cope with the ongoing stress & constant worry.
Like someone else has said it has made me much more compassionate & understanding with others as you never know what is going on in their lives and how quickly things can change.
Hang in there. X
I've had periods of being angry, depressed (was on meds), burnt out at work, anxious, suspicious, intolerant and withdrawn. It is impossible to go through this, with all the uncertainty, stigma and lack of information unscathed.
I've learnt that sharing what we're going through with trusted friends, family and colleagues (giving varying degrees of detail) has made a massive difference to my ability to cope and my mental health.
9 months in we are no further into knowing what will happen (my husband is adamant he knows nothing about the image) and I have learnt to cope with the ongoing stress & constant worry.
Like someone else has said it has made me much more compassionate & understanding with others as you never know what is going on in their lives and how quickly things can change.
Hang in there. X
Hi,
We are three years since the knock, my husband was sentenced suspended for 2 years for having iioc, I think it has changed me, but not necessarily wat the outcome was its the after affect of ss stopping me from supervising him with our kids, because they think I havent took it seriously enough ( old sw condemned him ) I have had 7 months of hell being made so hve family supervise which has made both my daughters mental go down hill especially these last few months as we can't be a family, I can barely get up and do things, I am constantly tired, we have lost close friends and even family, we are clinging on as a family, I have had counselling twice and I am being referred back to mental health, as I feel all this is bringing on pstd, I have done nothing wrong yet I am the one who is being punished im the one who has to do courses to prove I can look after our kids. Wat annoys me is im ok to look after my mentally ill daughter who has tried on numerous occasions to kill herself but I cant protect her against her dad. He has done nothing to our kids no never has. I have cried, I've shouted i have even wish him dead, AND IM NOT A BAD PERSON. I feel so lost at times, we have another child protection meeting in August where hopefully we will come off, but wat help have I had since this started none really we are no better off than when we started, so put through even more stress for wat. SORRY FOR THE RANT XX
We are three years since the knock, my husband was sentenced suspended for 2 years for having iioc, I think it has changed me, but not necessarily wat the outcome was its the after affect of ss stopping me from supervising him with our kids, because they think I havent took it seriously enough ( old sw condemned him ) I have had 7 months of hell being made so hve family supervise which has made both my daughters mental go down hill especially these last few months as we can't be a family, I can barely get up and do things, I am constantly tired, we have lost close friends and even family, we are clinging on as a family, I have had counselling twice and I am being referred back to mental health, as I feel all this is bringing on pstd, I have done nothing wrong yet I am the one who is being punished im the one who has to do courses to prove I can look after our kids. Wat annoys me is im ok to look after my mentally ill daughter who has tried on numerous occasions to kill herself but I cant protect her against her dad. He has done nothing to our kids no never has. I have cried, I've shouted i have even wish him dead, AND IM NOT A BAD PERSON. I feel so lost at times, we have another child protection meeting in August where hopefully we will come off, but wat help have I had since this started none really we are no better off than when we started, so put through even more stress for wat. SORRY FOR THE RANT XX
Thank you for all ur replies
Dawn 14
ur story is similar to mine we have no contact in place but I keep pushing for my youngest to have supervised visits but SS say no. I've said I'll be there, another family member or at a contact centre but again the answer is always no.
I want visits for my son not his dad at 3 he's to young to understand what's going on or where daddy's gone.
Dawn 14
ur story is similar to mine we have no contact in place but I keep pushing for my youngest to have supervised visits but SS say no. I've said I'll be there, another family member or at a contact centre but again the answer is always no.
I want visits for my son not his dad at 3 he's to young to understand what's going on or where daddy's gone.
Rusty123,
It seems so unfair that we are being treated differently to others, im ringing up the family group people on here, to see if they can help me, honestly its been a week from hell, although I've started the llf course this week but it was stressful as I had a panick attack before it started, then I had a core group meeting Friday and I have to relive it all again this is wat is bringing on my stress levels but noone seems to understand ( powers that be I mean )
It seems so unfair that we are being treated differently to others, im ringing up the family group people on here, to see if they can help me, honestly its been a week from hell, although I've started the llf course this week but it was stressful as I had a panick attack before it started, then I had a core group meeting Friday and I have to relive it all again this is wat is bringing on my stress levels but noone seems to understand ( powers that be I mean )