Online chatting, BDSM - didn't think it was a child...
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Hi everyone.
I'm really glad that this forum exists but I'm also sad that it does because it shows how many of us have had our worlds turned upside down by someone else's actions.
My husband was arrested at the end of May 2021 for online conversations with a child through the messaging app Kik. He says that he didn't know it was a child, and thought it was part of a BDSM role-play, where you have an adult who acts like a "daddy" and another adult who acts like a child-like submissive. But the kink is not that they are a child, the kink is that he knows it is an adult who is acting younger. Confusing, right? He has been arrested because in the conversations (I think it was two chats he's been arrested for), the person at the other end said "I'm 12" and yet he carried on the conversation. It was sexual conversations, no pictures exchanged, no requests to meet. He's on bail for 28 days, at which point he needs to report back to the station.
Since then, I've mostly cut contact with him, speaking when required about financial things etc. I will be moving in with my parents this week, he will come back to our house. I'm seeking counselling too.
Since the arrest, he's been extremely remorseful, and has already started seeking therapy for many things including porn addiction. Since the arrest, he's revealed that he was sexually abused as a child, and that he was exposed to porn at a very young age.
I am so confused and angry and sad about everything. Our lives were just getting started - new rental property, he got promoted at work, I finished my education and was getting ready to start my career. Now, he's thrown that all in the bin because of completely selfish desires. He's not the man I thought I married.
I'm hoping that someone out there has some experience of this situation. It is extremely unique and I have no idea if there are grounds for a criminal conviction because he thought he was engaging in this BDSM thing. His solicitor seems to think it probably wasn't a child but an adult, some kind of trap situation.
I don't know anything anymore. My whole world is upside down. And I feel so isolated because I can't even tell people what's going on. My parent's neighbours are going to be gossiping no end when I turn up at home again. I can't tell any of my friends the real reason we are currently separated. And how can I keep explaining it away if the case goes on for 6, 12 months and we're still separated but not divorced?
Please help me. Any way you can. Please.
I'm really glad that this forum exists but I'm also sad that it does because it shows how many of us have had our worlds turned upside down by someone else's actions.
My husband was arrested at the end of May 2021 for online conversations with a child through the messaging app Kik. He says that he didn't know it was a child, and thought it was part of a BDSM role-play, where you have an adult who acts like a "daddy" and another adult who acts like a child-like submissive. But the kink is not that they are a child, the kink is that he knows it is an adult who is acting younger. Confusing, right? He has been arrested because in the conversations (I think it was two chats he's been arrested for), the person at the other end said "I'm 12" and yet he carried on the conversation. It was sexual conversations, no pictures exchanged, no requests to meet. He's on bail for 28 days, at which point he needs to report back to the station.
Since then, I've mostly cut contact with him, speaking when required about financial things etc. I will be moving in with my parents this week, he will come back to our house. I'm seeking counselling too.
Since the arrest, he's been extremely remorseful, and has already started seeking therapy for many things including porn addiction. Since the arrest, he's revealed that he was sexually abused as a child, and that he was exposed to porn at a very young age.
I am so confused and angry and sad about everything. Our lives were just getting started - new rental property, he got promoted at work, I finished my education and was getting ready to start my career. Now, he's thrown that all in the bin because of completely selfish desires. He's not the man I thought I married.
I'm hoping that someone out there has some experience of this situation. It is extremely unique and I have no idea if there are grounds for a criminal conviction because he thought he was engaging in this BDSM thing. His solicitor seems to think it probably wasn't a child but an adult, some kind of trap situation.
I don't know anything anymore. My whole world is upside down. And I feel so isolated because I can't even tell people what's going on. My parent's neighbours are going to be gossiping no end when I turn up at home again. I can't tell any of my friends the real reason we are currently separated. And how can I keep explaining it away if the case goes on for 6, 12 months and we're still separated but not divorced?
Please help me. Any way you can. Please.
Post deleted by user
Hi J
Thank you for replying. This is what his solicitor seemed to think initially too, but they don't want to speculate yet. They say it's too early.
Your thing that came to mind - it's a good point. I have also thought this too. But I don't really know how to process this thought. I'm seeking counselling, so hopefully they can help. Husband told me (and the police) that he genuinely believed it to be an adult, not a child.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened with your husband because it was an undercover police officer? I keep thinking that if that is the case, then *technically* no crime has been committed? But again, this could be my desperate brain trying to find a solution. I also completely understand if you cannot or do not want to say anything about your situation.
I hope things work out for you too. For all of us caught up in these messes x
Thank you for replying. This is what his solicitor seemed to think initially too, but they don't want to speculate yet. They say it's too early.
Your thing that came to mind - it's a good point. I have also thought this too. But I don't really know how to process this thought. I'm seeking counselling, so hopefully they can help. Husband told me (and the police) that he genuinely believed it to be an adult, not a child.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened with your husband because it was an undercover police officer? I keep thinking that if that is the case, then *technically* no crime has been committed? But again, this could be my desperate brain trying to find a solution. I also completely understand if you cannot or do not want to say anything about your situation.
I hope things work out for you too. For all of us caught up in these messes x
Post deleted by user
Hi,
My husbands case is very similar to yours kik, role play, no images no Search history one conversation no other conversations and all devices cleared.
My husband has been charged and next week appears in crown for a plea hearing to which its likely he will plead guilty. As it is too much of a risk to plead not guilty as if he was found guilty at trial its for sure a prison sentence.
What gets me is how they can send images of a young women and say that the man is supposed to know the age. The police can get away with so much and ruin peoples lives for nothing .
My husbands case is very similar to yours kik, role play, no images no Search history one conversation no other conversations and all devices cleared.
My husband has been charged and next week appears in crown for a plea hearing to which its likely he will plead guilty. As it is too much of a risk to plead not guilty as if he was found guilty at trial its for sure a prison sentence.
What gets me is how they can send images of a young women and say that the man is supposed to know the age. The police can get away with so much and ruin peoples lives for nothing .
It is known as age play when an adult pretends to be a child, but unless it is verified that the person in the other end of the screen is an adult then the law is clear. Decoys are seen as the real thing because 'intention' has been shown.
I think there needs to be more publicity on this, that as soon as anyone online says they are a certain underage then the convo ends. My partner used chat rooms and he said he expected all to be other adults trying to get kicks. But you can never really know if there is or is not a child in the other side of the screen. Unfortunately there are children who are exposed to sex so early in life.
I think there needs to be more publicity on this, that as soon as anyone online says they are a certain underage then the convo ends. My partner used chat rooms and he said he expected all to be other adults trying to get kicks. But you can never really know if there is or is not a child in the other side of the screen. Unfortunately there are children who are exposed to sex so early in life.
Sounds like he is trying to excuse his behaviour
If it was how he said there would have been evidence at the very start of the conversation - that it would lead into role play
Really sounds like he is trying to dig him out the hole! Fact is EVEN if it was an adult - who does this online?! They were playing a very dangerous game and really I would not believe their "story" for if it was how they say surellyy they would have been sure they were talking to an adult in the first instance, and this kik app sounds well dodgy, sorry to hear of this but do go by facts not some story he is trying to make up
If it was how he said there would have been evidence at the very start of the conversation - that it would lead into role play
Really sounds like he is trying to dig him out the hole! Fact is EVEN if it was an adult - who does this online?! They were playing a very dangerous game and really I would not believe their "story" for if it was how they say surellyy they would have been sure they were talking to an adult in the first instance, and this kik app sounds well dodgy, sorry to hear of this but do go by facts not some story he is trying to make up
Hi Stitchingfan
im new here but to the story is very similar to what I'm going through.
meet had the knock on the door Tuesday am. My other half is into this type of role play and had spoken to someone on kik who he had got her details from off of pornhub on their role play or contact chat or something.
it so hard isn't it as we are not given any information due to them being adults.
Stacey
im new here but to the story is very similar to what I'm going through.
meet had the knock on the door Tuesday am. My other half is into this type of role play and had spoken to someone on kik who he had got her details from off of pornhub on their role play or contact chat or something.
it so hard isn't it as we are not given any information due to them being adults.
Stacey