Online chatting, BDSM - didn't think it was a child...
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Hi everyone.
I'm really glad that this forum exists but I'm also sad that it does because it shows how many of us have had our worlds turned upside down by someone else's actions.
My husband was arrested at the end of May 2021 for online conversations with a child through the messaging app Kik. He says that he didn't know it was a child, and thought it was part of a BDSM role-play, where you have an adult who acts like a "daddy" and another adult who acts like a child-like submissive. But the kink is not that they are a child, the kink is that he knows it is an adult who is acting younger. Confusing, right? He has been arrested because in the conversations (I think it was two chats he's been arrested for), the person at the other end said "I'm 12" and yet he carried on the conversation. It was sexual conversations, no pictures exchanged, no requests to meet. He's on bail for 28 days, at which point he needs to report back to the station.
Since then, I've mostly cut contact with him, speaking when required about financial things etc. I will be moving in with my parents this week, he will come back to our house. I'm seeking counselling too.
Since the arrest, he's been extremely remorseful, and has already started seeking therapy for many things including porn addiction. Since the arrest, he's revealed that he was sexually abused as a child, and that he was exposed to porn at a very young age.
I am so confused and angry and sad about everything. Our lives were just getting started - new rental property, he got promoted at work, I finished my education and was getting ready to start my career. Now, he's thrown that all in the bin because of completely selfish desires. He's not the man I thought I married.
I'm hoping that someone out there has some experience of this situation. It is extremely unique and I have no idea if there are grounds for a criminal conviction because he thought he was engaging in this BDSM thing. His solicitor seems to think it probably wasn't a child but an adult, some kind of trap situation.
I don't know anything anymore. My whole world is upside down. And I feel so isolated because I can't even tell people what's going on. My parent's neighbours are going to be gossiping no end when I turn up at home again. I can't tell any of my friends the real reason we are currently separated. And how can I keep explaining it away if the case goes on for 6, 12 months and we're still separated but not divorced?
Please help me. Any way you can. Please.
I'm really glad that this forum exists but I'm also sad that it does because it shows how many of us have had our worlds turned upside down by someone else's actions.
My husband was arrested at the end of May 2021 for online conversations with a child through the messaging app Kik. He says that he didn't know it was a child, and thought it was part of a BDSM role-play, where you have an adult who acts like a "daddy" and another adult who acts like a child-like submissive. But the kink is not that they are a child, the kink is that he knows it is an adult who is acting younger. Confusing, right? He has been arrested because in the conversations (I think it was two chats he's been arrested for), the person at the other end said "I'm 12" and yet he carried on the conversation. It was sexual conversations, no pictures exchanged, no requests to meet. He's on bail for 28 days, at which point he needs to report back to the station.
Since then, I've mostly cut contact with him, speaking when required about financial things etc. I will be moving in with my parents this week, he will come back to our house. I'm seeking counselling too.
Since the arrest, he's been extremely remorseful, and has already started seeking therapy for many things including porn addiction. Since the arrest, he's revealed that he was sexually abused as a child, and that he was exposed to porn at a very young age.
I am so confused and angry and sad about everything. Our lives were just getting started - new rental property, he got promoted at work, I finished my education and was getting ready to start my career. Now, he's thrown that all in the bin because of completely selfish desires. He's not the man I thought I married.
I'm hoping that someone out there has some experience of this situation. It is extremely unique and I have no idea if there are grounds for a criminal conviction because he thought he was engaging in this BDSM thing. His solicitor seems to think it probably wasn't a child but an adult, some kind of trap situation.
I don't know anything anymore. My whole world is upside down. And I feel so isolated because I can't even tell people what's going on. My parent's neighbours are going to be gossiping no end when I turn up at home again. I can't tell any of my friends the real reason we are currently separated. And how can I keep explaining it away if the case goes on for 6, 12 months and we're still separated but not divorced?
Please help me. Any way you can. Please.
Hi J
Thank you for replying. This is what his solicitor seemed to think initially too, but they don't want to speculate yet. They say it's too early.
Your thing that came to mind - it's a good point. I have also thought this too. But I don't really know how to process this thought. I'm seeking counselling, so hopefully they can help. Husband told me (and the police) that he genuinely believed it to be an adult, not a child.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened with your husband because it was an undercover police officer? I keep thinking that if that is the case, then *technically* no crime has been committed? But again, this could be my desperate brain trying to find a solution. I also completely understand if you cannot or do not want to say anything about your situation.
I hope things work out for you too. For all of us caught up in these messes x
Thank you for replying. This is what his solicitor seemed to think initially too, but they don't want to speculate yet. They say it's too early.
Your thing that came to mind - it's a good point. I have also thought this too. But I don't really know how to process this thought. I'm seeking counselling, so hopefully they can help. Husband told me (and the police) that he genuinely believed it to be an adult, not a child.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened with your husband because it was an undercover police officer? I keep thinking that if that is the case, then *technically* no crime has been committed? But again, this could be my desperate brain trying to find a solution. I also completely understand if you cannot or do not want to say anything about your situation.
I hope things work out for you too. For all of us caught up in these messes x
Hi,
My husbands case is very similar to yours kik, role play, no images no Search history one conversation no other conversations and all devices cleared.
My husband has been charged and next week appears in crown for a plea hearing to which its likely he will plead guilty. As it is too much of a risk to plead not guilty as if he was found guilty at trial its for sure a prison sentence.
What gets me is how they can send images of a young women and say that the man is supposed to know the age. The police can get away with so much and ruin peoples lives for nothing .
My husbands case is very similar to yours kik, role play, no images no Search history one conversation no other conversations and all devices cleared.
My husband has been charged and next week appears in crown for a plea hearing to which its likely he will plead guilty. As it is too much of a risk to plead not guilty as if he was found guilty at trial its for sure a prison sentence.
What gets me is how they can send images of a young women and say that the man is supposed to know the age. The police can get away with so much and ruin peoples lives for nothing .
It is known as age play when an adult pretends to be a child, but unless it is verified that the person in the other end of the screen is an adult then the law is clear. Decoys are seen as the real thing because 'intention' has been shown.
I think there needs to be more publicity on this, that as soon as anyone online says they are a certain underage then the convo ends. My partner used chat rooms and he said he expected all to be other adults trying to get kicks. But you can never really know if there is or is not a child in the other side of the screen. Unfortunately there are children who are exposed to sex so early in life.
I think there needs to be more publicity on this, that as soon as anyone online says they are a certain underage then the convo ends. My partner used chat rooms and he said he expected all to be other adults trying to get kicks. But you can never really know if there is or is not a child in the other side of the screen. Unfortunately there are children who are exposed to sex so early in life.
Sounds like he is trying to excuse his behaviour
If it was how he said there would have been evidence at the very start of the conversation - that it would lead into role play
Really sounds like he is trying to dig him out the hole! Fact is EVEN if it was an adult - who does this online?! They were playing a very dangerous game and really I would not believe their "story" for if it was how they say surellyy they would have been sure they were talking to an adult in the first instance, and this kik app sounds well dodgy, sorry to hear of this but do go by facts not some story he is trying to make up
If it was how he said there would have been evidence at the very start of the conversation - that it would lead into role play
Really sounds like he is trying to dig him out the hole! Fact is EVEN if it was an adult - who does this online?! They were playing a very dangerous game and really I would not believe their "story" for if it was how they say surellyy they would have been sure they were talking to an adult in the first instance, and this kik app sounds well dodgy, sorry to hear of this but do go by facts not some story he is trying to make up
Hi Stitchingfan
im new here but to the story is very similar to what I'm going through.
meet had the knock on the door Tuesday am. My other half is into this type of role play and had spoken to someone on kik who he had got her details from off of pornhub on their role play or contact chat or something.
it so hard isn't it as we are not given any information due to them being adults.
Stacey
im new here but to the story is very similar to what I'm going through.
meet had the knock on the door Tuesday am. My other half is into this type of role play and had spoken to someone on kik who he had got her details from off of pornhub on their role play or contact chat or something.
it so hard isn't it as we are not given any information due to them being adults.
Stacey
I've been on this site for nearly three years now & almost every man mentioned here seems to claim that they 'didn't really think it was a child' and that they were either 'trolling' (why?) or engaged in 'age play' with an 'adult' (also why??????). Its always the same story. I must admit I'm extremely sceptical. Even if it was just 'fantasy', do you really want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who gets their jollies pretending to do BDSM with 12yos?
What you tend to find on most forums, is that there are dedicated sub forums for specialist interests.
So there might be a specific forum for age play, which would be clearly identified as such and it would probably have warnings all over it too, about possible illegality, put there by the moderators.
Outside of that, there is no reason to believe that an adult is role playing as a child, unless they actually tell you that is what they are doing. It would be recorded in the transcripts and impossible to miss.
I think the role playing defence was once successfully used in an American case, and maybe some solicitors are still recommending it as a possibility, but since then police decoys have changed their tactics.
So there might be a specific forum for age play, which would be clearly identified as such and it would probably have warnings all over it too, about possible illegality, put there by the moderators.
Outside of that, there is no reason to believe that an adult is role playing as a child, unless they actually tell you that is what they are doing. It would be recorded in the transcripts and impossible to miss.
I think the role playing defence was once successfully used in an American case, and maybe some solicitors are still recommending it as a possibility, but since then police decoys have changed their tactics.
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with all of this. From what you've written, it sounds like you've had your entire sense of normality pulled out from underneath you in a very short space of time.
I think it's completely understandable that you're angry, confused and unsure what to do next. You don't have to make a decision about the future of your marriage right now either. Taking some space, moving in with your parents and getting counselling sounds like a sensible way of giving yourself some room to process everything without having to figure out your whole life at once.
As for the legal side, I'd be very wary of taking advice from people on a forum. There are so many details that could affect what happens, and his solicitor is really the person who needs to advise him about the case. His explanation of what he thought was happening may be relevant, but that isn't something anyone here can reliably determine from a few paragraphs.
And please don't feel that you owe everyone around you the full story. If people ask why you're staying with your parents, you're allowed to simply say that you're going through some serious personal problems and don't want to discuss them. You don't have to keep inventing explanations or justify why you're not ready to talk.
Whatever ultimately happens with your husband, it's also okay to concentrate on yourself for now. His past abuse, porn use, therapy or remorse may help explain some things, but none of that means you have to immediately forgive him or decide to stay with him. You can care about what happens to him while still putting your own wellbeing first.
I think it's completely understandable that you're angry, confused and unsure what to do next. You don't have to make a decision about the future of your marriage right now either. Taking some space, moving in with your parents and getting counselling sounds like a sensible way of giving yourself some room to process everything without having to figure out your whole life at once.
As for the legal side, I'd be very wary of taking advice from people on a forum. There are so many details that could affect what happens, and his solicitor is really the person who needs to advise him about the case. His explanation of what he thought was happening may be relevant, but that isn't something anyone here can reliably determine from a few paragraphs.
And please don't feel that you owe everyone around you the full story. If people ask why you're staying with your parents, you're allowed to simply say that you're going through some serious personal problems and don't want to discuss them. You don't have to keep inventing explanations or justify why you're not ready to talk.
Whatever ultimately happens with your husband, it's also okay to concentrate on yourself for now. His past abuse, porn use, therapy or remorse may help explain some things, but none of that means you have to immediately forgive him or decide to stay with him. You can care about what happens to him while still putting your own wellbeing first.
I really think police should be working more to speed up backlogs and bringing justice more quicker to current victims of abuse instead of creating criminals and purposely making backlogs longer in an already overloaded department.
