My Story & clinging on to hope
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So back in 2018 we got the knock at the door and my husband was taken away, i had no idea wat was going or why, apprently he had been on porn websites that were inapporpriate, the policeman as very kind and said he could of done it by accident. Then while in questioning he said something that they said they had to ring ss, to cut a long story short, i wasnt allowed to supervise until i had done some work with a ss, our usual ss just had it in for my husband, it was all black and white with her, she just thought he was abd man and nothing i said made a difference even though i had told her wat the policeman had said to me. Last year he had to be reinterviewed and the policeman had said to my husband that he had known people to be allowed home even with a shop in order, so we wanted to be reviewed, after talking to a new ss worker and trying to come up with solutions to their worries she went away and we ended up with our first ss, she then decided after 3 years and no concerns from schools or doctors, she decided that i was no longer fit to supervise and put us into child protection, i had no choice so i believed, since then my husband was charged with downloading indecnt images and animal porn, he got a 2 year suspended sentence and shop and sor for 10 years, he says he probably hasnt looked it was more an addiction to downloading/addicted to porn. I felt like my journey was supposed to be over once we knew that he wasnt going to prison but it just seems to have gotton worse, the last 6 months have been hell, due to relying on family members to supervise contact, i now realise where i have been going wrong, i have NOT CONDONED AT ALL WAT HE HAS DONE, but i guess i/we have not talked about it, we want to stay together as a family but ss think i have not taken his offending seriously or ive miminalised it, NOT INTENIONALLY, but i think we as partners just want the nightmare to end especially when you have kids together and you no that they arent a bad person really but they just lost their way. im about to do the inform course and i hope it helps me to understand but to also no im not the only person who wants to stand and help them through it, because ss have made me feel like i am not normal
Hi Dawn14
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this all over again! I can't really see how your SW can justify this change, especially going straight CPP.
Have you heard of The Family Rights Group? They're absolutely fantastic to speak to about SS, you'll be able to explain your whole situation and they'll be able to give you some great advice and also explain more about your rights around all of this.
You say you think the SW thinks you're minimising his offence. Has she actually said that to you? You have the right to ask for a different sw and in your case I feel it would be completely justified if you wanted to. Has your SW given you the chance to explain how you're feeling? Have you received a written assessment to justify why they have decided you can no longer supervise? I'd advise you to try to keep it all to email or after any phone call you send an email outlining the conversation for the SW to confirm.
Please know that you're definitely not alone in how you're feeling and what you want in the future. So many other women want the same as you. They're our husbands and our family and we know who they really are. The SW, like you said is just being too black and white! Try not to dwell on her opinion. Also make sure to be kind to yourself and reflect on the last couple of years and how strong you are! You've come so far, this is a blip that you'll overcome.
I'm also starting the inform course in a few weeks!
xx
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this all over again! I can't really see how your SW can justify this change, especially going straight CPP.
Have you heard of The Family Rights Group? They're absolutely fantastic to speak to about SS, you'll be able to explain your whole situation and they'll be able to give you some great advice and also explain more about your rights around all of this.
You say you think the SW thinks you're minimising his offence. Has she actually said that to you? You have the right to ask for a different sw and in your case I feel it would be completely justified if you wanted to. Has your SW given you the chance to explain how you're feeling? Have you received a written assessment to justify why they have decided you can no longer supervise? I'd advise you to try to keep it all to email or after any phone call you send an email outlining the conversation for the SW to confirm.
Please know that you're definitely not alone in how you're feeling and what you want in the future. So many other women want the same as you. They're our husbands and our family and we know who they really are. The SW, like you said is just being too black and white! Try not to dwell on her opinion. Also make sure to be kind to yourself and reflect on the last couple of years and how strong you are! You've come so far, this is a blip that you'll overcome.
I'm also starting the inform course in a few weeks!
xx
Hi sadandconfused,
thank you for replying, i have had a new sw since Jan and they gave me a support worker which was supposed to be doing work with me since feb but they have all been taking hols and getting on with their lives while mines been put on hold, obviously it is a long story but they told me about llf and to go on the course, which i am on at end of June, then want to see if i have changed my attitude, ( i think as i no he isnt a bad person really just lost his way, and dealing with a child that doesnt sleep and a sucidal teenager ) i just want to get our lives on track. you see when we got the early morning knock the policeman that was in my house said he could of clicked on the websites by accident, and then my husband had said he hadnt been looking at young children more at 16 to 17, PLEASE IM NOT EXUSING WHAT HE SAID AS I WANTED TO KILL HIM THERE AND THEN, even when the policeman came to drop off our daughters computer and his phone he said that my husband had gave the same story to years apart but he found it hard to believe because it wasnt just 1 picture they found, ( again i am so annoyed because he downloaded things without checking wat he was doing and has caused all this upset and might never have even seen the pics, so all for nothing, AGAIN NOT CONDONING IT ) if that makes sense. I am going to look up this family group as i feel they maybe able to help although we are getting like reassessed as in seeing if i can go back to supervising, they want to see if doing the llf will help me look at things from their view
thank you for replying, i have had a new sw since Jan and they gave me a support worker which was supposed to be doing work with me since feb but they have all been taking hols and getting on with their lives while mines been put on hold, obviously it is a long story but they told me about llf and to go on the course, which i am on at end of June, then want to see if i have changed my attitude, ( i think as i no he isnt a bad person really just lost his way, and dealing with a child that doesnt sleep and a sucidal teenager ) i just want to get our lives on track. you see when we got the early morning knock the policeman that was in my house said he could of clicked on the websites by accident, and then my husband had said he hadnt been looking at young children more at 16 to 17, PLEASE IM NOT EXUSING WHAT HE SAID AS I WANTED TO KILL HIM THERE AND THEN, even when the policeman came to drop off our daughters computer and his phone he said that my husband had gave the same story to years apart but he found it hard to believe because it wasnt just 1 picture they found, ( again i am so annoyed because he downloaded things without checking wat he was doing and has caused all this upset and might never have even seen the pics, so all for nothing, AGAIN NOT CONDONING IT ) if that makes sense. I am going to look up this family group as i feel they maybe able to help although we are getting like reassessed as in seeing if i can go back to supervising, they want to see if doing the llf will help me look at things from their view
I can so relate to this...
Ive minimalised it so much but recently it's hit me like a giant tidal wave and I'm so tired.
Sometimes though due to the long wait, you kinda have no choice but to minimalse it if you want to stay together... Because then how do you get through everything day to day...
Ive minimalised it so much but recently it's hit me like a giant tidal wave and I'm so tired.
Sometimes though due to the long wait, you kinda have no choice but to minimalse it if you want to stay together... Because then how do you get through everything day to day...
Hi Blackhound,
I think the problem is and wat ss don't look at or care about I don't think, is u get this knock ur life is turned upside down u don't no what's going on and yet they have already been judge jury and executioner before u even no wat is going on, see the when we got raided the policeman who was in my house said he could of done it by accident that he could of accidentally gone on these websites, I didn't no as far as I knew he was downloading game of throwns lol, then we had a really nasty sw who like I said wanted my husband put down, he had done it all on purpose and I wasn't taking it seriously, we had a daughter who has bad mental health and had been cutting herself and trying to kill herself ( NOT RELATED TO HER DADS ISSUES ) and now ur telling me my husband has been downloading things. I was told I qasnt allowed to discuss it with the kids NOT that I would but then how do u not minimise it if ur not allowed to talk about it, I didn't even no wat he was charged with until a few weeks before and no-one came and had a conversation with me. I wish I had known about the llf In 2018 because I don't think I would have been where I have been if that makes sense
I think the problem is and wat ss don't look at or care about I don't think, is u get this knock ur life is turned upside down u don't no what's going on and yet they have already been judge jury and executioner before u even no wat is going on, see the when we got raided the policeman who was in my house said he could of done it by accident that he could of accidentally gone on these websites, I didn't no as far as I knew he was downloading game of throwns lol, then we had a really nasty sw who like I said wanted my husband put down, he had done it all on purpose and I wasn't taking it seriously, we had a daughter who has bad mental health and had been cutting herself and trying to kill herself ( NOT RELATED TO HER DADS ISSUES ) and now ur telling me my husband has been downloading things. I was told I qasnt allowed to discuss it with the kids NOT that I would but then how do u not minimise it if ur not allowed to talk about it, I didn't even no wat he was charged with until a few weeks before and no-one came and had a conversation with me. I wish I had known about the llf In 2018 because I don't think I would have been where I have been if that makes sense
Oh Dawn,
I do feel for you :( it must be so difficult with all this going on and trying to keep a bit of stability in the household.
I don't have much experience with SS I imagine this is always a tick box exercise and they never exercise any restraint in judging these men...
Have you ever seen a therapist to offload this onto instead of bottling it all up? I'm on my second therapist since the incident and it really helps me.
Of course it doesn't always work, I'm only human and I do lose control sometimes. Don't forget that you can't pour from an empty cup!
I do feel for you :( it must be so difficult with all this going on and trying to keep a bit of stability in the household.
I don't have much experience with SS I imagine this is always a tick box exercise and they never exercise any restraint in judging these men...
Have you ever seen a therapist to offload this onto instead of bottling it all up? I'm on my second therapist since the incident and it really helps me.
Of course it doesn't always work, I'm only human and I do lose control sometimes. Don't forget that you can't pour from an empty cup!
Hi Blackhound,
I to have had 2 sets of counselling since all this started, and we are just getting on with it, I have been stepped down from cpp to cin so that's a start to be fair, hopefully things are going to get better, thank u for asking xx
I to have had 2 sets of counselling since all this started, and we are just getting on with it, I have been stepped down from cpp to cin so that's a start to be fair, hopefully things are going to get better, thank u for asking xx