Telling friends/family, people finding out
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Hi. I'm new to this forum. I contacted the helpline last year after meeting a man who disclosed to me very early on in our relationship that he was on the register after two historic online offences, one for receiving and sharing images and another technically for online grooming. At the time of his offending he was addicted to drugs and alcohol and leading a chaotic and self destructive lifestyle. Since being in prison he is clean and in recovery (5 yrs now), has refound religion, has a very fulfilling and positive volunteer role with a charity (that's how I met him), and I truly believe he lives a completely different life now to the circumstances he was in when he offended. I was shocked and horrified when I first found out, but after many detailed conversations about what did and did not happen, me talking to this helpline and people who know him, and talking to his probation officer, I decided to give our relationship a chance. I may be being naive, but I have grown to love and trust this man and think I have made as informed a decision as I possibly could. I think people should be given a chance if they are proving they are willing and able to change. My ongoing worry and anxiety is about other people finding out about his past and how they will react to him/me/us. I have told my two closest friends and they have been incredibly understanding and accepting, trusting my judgement. I feel like I want to/should tell my dad but I just can't find the right time or words to broach the subject. We have been together almost a year now and the longer it goes on the harder it feels to say something. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Has anyone found a positive way through this? I saw a very old post on this forum about a woman who met a man, like I have, and despite his past ended up getting married and 'living happily after', but I wonder what has happened to them since then and if they ever had any challenges with people finding out about the past.
Hello
I'm similar but I met my partner when he was under investigation. He had the knock a few months before we met and he told me about it all within a few weeks of dating. He showed remorse and had sought help. I wanted to be there for him in his rehabilitation and he has been proactive.
He was sentenced end of 2019, two year suspended sentence. No one in my family know, or friends. For me personally I think majority, if not all, those close to me would not be happy and cut me out ...hence why I have said nothing. It is hard to keep it a secret since he has kids he hasn't seen in years. I think mostl people suspect something but haven't outright asked.
Tho saying that we are engaged and live as normal a life as possible. I get on with his probation officer and tolerate his police liasonc(them and it super friendly but I understand that from their role and they do it well). It does make our relationship not that private tho. The probation officer and police liaison can ask personal questions about us and myself. I also feel I am responsible for making sure he isn't alone with kids, to protect the kids and him (just in case).
But I do think it is possible to have a relationship with offenders. For me no one needs to know about his last, and the fact he has restrictions. I do think I might have to say something once family members start to have kids. I dread that day tbh. I already feel guilty going to family events where there are under 18 year olds. I trust my partner won't do anything (he doesn't have a history of contact offences), bit I can't see into his head.
I'm similar but I met my partner when he was under investigation. He had the knock a few months before we met and he told me about it all within a few weeks of dating. He showed remorse and had sought help. I wanted to be there for him in his rehabilitation and he has been proactive.
He was sentenced end of 2019, two year suspended sentence. No one in my family know, or friends. For me personally I think majority, if not all, those close to me would not be happy and cut me out ...hence why I have said nothing. It is hard to keep it a secret since he has kids he hasn't seen in years. I think mostl people suspect something but haven't outright asked.
Tho saying that we are engaged and live as normal a life as possible. I get on with his probation officer and tolerate his police liasonc(them and it super friendly but I understand that from their role and they do it well). It does make our relationship not that private tho. The probation officer and police liaison can ask personal questions about us and myself. I also feel I am responsible for making sure he isn't alone with kids, to protect the kids and him (just in case).
But I do think it is possible to have a relationship with offenders. For me no one needs to know about his last, and the fact he has restrictions. I do think I might have to say something once family members start to have kids. I dread that day tbh. I already feel guilty going to family events where there are under 18 year olds. I trust my partner won't do anything (he doesn't have a history of contact offences), bit I can't see into his head.
Thank you so much for your response Majestictopaz. It feels reassuring there are others going through something similar. It feels quite lonely trying to navigate this strange situation. Since my last post I have actually told my dad that my partner is on the register. My dad had asked a few more questions just generally and I hated feeling like I was lying or hiding something from him. I didn't go into lots of details but outlined the last offence, the fact he is on the register and that that obviously means there are consequences for him and for me being with him. My dad was surprisingly more supportive and curious than angry or disappointed as I'd expected. I feel a weight has been partly lifted for now. But recently some friends asked what his surname was (which I thought was a weird question to be honest!), but I had to avoid it awkwardly as I was so scared they might google him and see the horrible headlines. It felt so unnatural to not be open and honest and just talk about the fact I'm happy with someone. I guess this is just the sort of thing we have to handle somehow. Im expecting the police visit soon as he's now given my address as somewhere is stays sometimes. I don't know what to expect. Is it really horrible and intrusive? My partner says the police liaison he has is as ok as they can be. I don't have children so I'm hoping it should be relatively straight forward and quick. Congratulations on your engagement by the way! Best of luck
Thanks lee1969. Yes my partner had told his probation officer and the police when we started our relationship. I met with the probation officer and that was fine, they were really nice actually and made me feel even more confident about my decision. I'm nervous about the police coming to do a house visit as I have some 'nosey' neighbours. I'm assuming they don't turn up in uniform and they try to be descreet? I'm even nervous about my next door neighbours overhearing any of the conversation, which I know is crazy but still makes me feel a little anxious
It's a very hard decision what and who to tell what's happened to you. Most people have been very kind and supportive. But I've honestly been invited out for 'a coffee' by SO many people, but I'm very weiry of their intentions as folk pop up out the blue as I'm not on fb etc. Is it concern for me OR being nosy?
I was SO upset when I did tell all to someone I considered a 'close' friend and as a result never heard from her again. That hurt. My FM was utterly demonised in the media and it hurts me folk have read that and view him as an evil P which he is not. This continues to crease me but sadly there's nothing you can do about it......
I was SO upset when I did tell all to someone I considered a 'close' friend and as a result never heard from her again. That hurt. My FM was utterly demonised in the media and it hurts me folk have read that and view him as an evil P which he is not. This continues to crease me but sadly there's nothing you can do about it......