Family and Friends Forum

Hi there

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and your OH. I can empathise and understand how you feel, I am going through a similar experience with my husband.
Do you have any friends or family to support you through this time? It's so recent for you and the first few weeks are tough. I had some great advice from members on here.

I was harassed on social media after my husbands sentencing, and I contacted the police who dealt with it very quickly and it stopped. I also had them put my address on the system, so if anything happened they would know details and act quickly. Nothing did happen. Also I contacted my GP for support and they were great.

My husband was sentenced in January and things are much more positive now. It's true what they say, people do leave you alone once it is yesterday's news. It might not seem this way at the moment, but things do get better ??‍????

Dont be afraid of bullies. You have done nothing wrong and You are not guilty. People can't understand something they have not experienced themselves, and have no right to judge you. Take it one day at a time and if you need someone to talk to I am here.

will you OH be let out on license 1/2 way through?

sending big hugs

blue x

Hi there, Ninjapanda.

You are not alone in this - there are people on here, including me, who have been and are in your shoes - so you have come to the right place for support.

My OH was sentenced after Christmas, and, I too, suffered social media harrassment. The thing to remember, above everything else, is that these people are "keyboard warriors" and feel safe spouting their horridness from their screens. If you receive any death threats or online intimidation, copy the page by pressing "PrtScr" on your keyboard, or use the Snipping Tool to copy the section of the screen, then email this to the police.

The police were very good to me, and had me as a high prioirty on their system just in case people came to my home - no one ever did, and I don't think anyone ever would.

It has got easier, although I still get stares from people in the community who know my OH and know me through dint of him. But if they mind they don't matter, and people who matter don't mind.

It will get easier for you, too, and it is right when people say it quickly becomes yesterday's fish and chip paper.

You're doing great - you CAN do this - it won't be easy, but strength to carry on comes from somewhere you never knew exisited, and it will carry you through. Do call the helpline if you need support, though - I have, and they're fantastic.

J x

Ninjapanda, you have done the right thing coming off social media. My husband was sent to prison at the end of March. It came as a huge shock. Sadly everything was out in the public domain anyway as he was subject to livestream sting. It seems more men are being sent to prison...not sure what good it does anyone, and the prisons can't cope!
People have been so supportive of me. He did move away straight away, and the marriage is over, but I am supporting him. I could not walk away when he is at his lowest. Even if people do not agree with me, they support my decisions, as they are mine to make.
The gossips and on line bullies will move on to the next victim very soon. I was advised to take this time to look after myself. There is nothing more I can do for him other than communicate to keep him going.
Pretty soon we, as a society, are going to have to really face up to this 'crime' and try to support rather than criminalise. It is catastrophic for the families involved, and we get no support at a time when we need as much as we can get.
Please look after yourself. It WILL get easier over time. Xxx

Hi Ninjapanda,

i feel very sorry for you going through this right now, i know how hard it is and how bad people make us feel, my daughter was sent the death threats of her father straight after his court hearing, we had only been home 20 mins when it was reported, even after our solicitor had asked them not too because are daughter has server mental health and has previous for cutting and over dosing. i sent a snotty email to the paper telling by reporting it and using names wat damage i had had to deal with with a 16 year old. i wish i had found this site 3 years ago when we had the knock. i am sure we are all here to help and please dont ever feel alone xx

Hi Ninjapanda,



i have always suffered with mental health but obviously since my daughter came home while she was in year 10 telling she had told her teacher she wanted to kill herself and then trying to kill herself and then a few months later we got the knock, it has been horrendous, i wasnt allowed to supervise to start with because i didnt think he had done it on purpose, and ss didnt think i could protect my kids we had a bad 6 months then after doing work i could supervise. I had been then supervising for at least 2 years no concern and then last year my husband was re questioned and gave the same story as the previous 2 years the police man told he had known people to be allowed home, so obviously this is wat we all wanted but we had to be reassessed for are old sw to come back half way through and say i wasnt taking it seriously enough, so said i could no longer supervise again, we were devasted but it wasnt that it was i just wanted it to be over, 2 years and we were told by police man that there wouldnt be anything stopping him from being with our kids or preventing him from staying over night but ss have made it so difficult for us to move forwards its only now after reading posts on here where i have been going wrong, i so wish i had had this forum from the beginning. SORRY FOR THE LONG POST but i want to show you your not alone, i have felt so alone for so long.

Hi there Dawn.

I appear to be in a similar position to what you were. I am not allowed to supervise and I have to do some work, because they don't think I can protect. Utter tosh.

When you said "where you have been going wrong" - what did you mean by that; what would you have done differently?

Many thanks. J x

Hi Ninja!

How are you doing today? How did things go with your GP? Have you managed to speak to your OH?
I wanted to say about post I wrote at the beginning. When I said 'things do get better', there seem to be lots of question marks after it. They were not typed by me. I'm not sure why they are there.
Ive been thinking of you, and hope you are ok.

Big hugs
blue x

Your husband is entitled to call someone on his first day in prison, but if like my husband he may not have even offered this! They then have to have all their contact numbers approved. You will get a call from the prison first to check you out, then he will be able to call. This can take a few days, and they don't seem to do anything at the weekends! Covid lockdown doesn't help as they have very little time out of cell, and they have to collect medication, visit office, go collect food and shower in that time, so there are often queues for the phone! My husbands first prison had an in cell phone, but second one is shared phone, and limited to 10 mins. So the calls are infrequent.
So try to relax if you can. I found helpline https://www.prisonersfamilies.org/really good, they helped me when I was very concerned about his mental health, gave me information and advice. I found it incredible that families are expected just to get on with this traumatic event without support! The StopSO forum is really helpful for prison related advice too. Sadly, there are lots of us! Keep on going. You sound like you are doing amazingly well given it's only been a couple of days. xxx

Sorry, I didn't realise he was on remand before. How awful.
Good luck with the visit. I'm not strong or brave enough for that. Not sure if I ever will be to be honest, especially as the marriage is over. Although I feel so sorry for him, I have to put myself first. x

Hi Panda!

I'm glad you managed to get some help of your doctor. You seem to be a lot more positive today. Great to hear youre having a bit of a pamper too. I hope you enjoy your visit, and OH is coping ok. I think you are right about not telling him about the media, I did the same.

Have a good day, and if you could let me know how your visit goes, ad I haven't had one yet.

Hugs & best wishes

blue x

Hi Panda!

How are you doing today? Im glad your visit went well. I have only had video visits with my OH. He has a relatively short sentence, so I thought I could cope without actually seeing him face to face. Can I ask could you hug?
I can understand why you told him about the what had happened on the outside. I did tell my OH on the end as I felt I needed his support. Do you have any children with him?
Hope you doin are ok hun.

blue x