Disclosure to family members with children
Notifications OFF
My partner's PO and police liaison has told us that we need to disclose my partner's offence to my auntie and uncle because my cousin is under 18. The PO was aware of my cousin when my partner was sentenced in 2019 and my partner told him two years ago he was going to a family event with my cousin present. No issues were raised then and the general advice was we didn't need to disclose because we would not be seeing that part of my family much.
A few weeks ago we went to a big family do which my partner told his PO. Today his PO says we need to let my aunt and uncle know about my partner. I have dreaded this and we have tried to avoid the need to disclose where possible. I am going to ask my partner to check whether if we promise to cut my partner out of such family events in the future that we do not need to disclose.
Has anyone else been in the same situation? Have you managed to keep it from family? Or am I just kidding myself?
I am panicking because if my other cousin has a child (she plans to) before the SHPO is over I may have to end it with my partner if I'm forced to disclose to her and her husband.
A few weeks ago we went to a big family do which my partner told his PO. Today his PO says we need to let my aunt and uncle know about my partner. I have dreaded this and we have tried to avoid the need to disclose where possible. I am going to ask my partner to check whether if we promise to cut my partner out of such family events in the future that we do not need to disclose.
Has anyone else been in the same situation? Have you managed to keep it from family? Or am I just kidding myself?
I am panicking because if my other cousin has a child (she plans to) before the SHPO is over I may have to end it with my partner if I'm forced to disclose to her and her husband.
Hi there,
Thankfully we don't have any immediate family with children under 18 - just my wider family. My husband just won't be attending any family events in the future - but then he didn't always anyway so it won't look odd he's not there as they are my family and not his (also get togethers are thankfully very few and far between) I don't see why you have to make a disclosure if he won't attend in the future? Does his SHPO detail no contact with children?
xx
Thankfully we don't have any immediate family with children under 18 - just my wider family. My husband just won't be attending any family events in the future - but then he didn't always anyway so it won't look odd he's not there as they are my family and not his (also get togethers are thankfully very few and far between) I don't see why you have to make a disclosure if he won't attend in the future? Does his SHPO detail no contact with children?
xx
Hi there
I will need to dig out the SHPO to check the wording bit he is defo not allowed any unsupervised contact with under 18s but there is a condition about the need to disclose to parents or guardians of under 18s but I can remember the criteria for this to kick in. We were originally told going to large family events would be fine but it seems the PO and police liaison have reconsidered this, which I understand and respect.
I just hope that the PO will agree that of we make sure my partner doesn't go to any future family events then I won't need to disclose. It will make it tricky because my family get on with him and my cousin isnt 18 for a couple of years yet. I also thought I could get away with not disclosing to my other cousin who is like a sister to me and may have a child in the next few years.
I am hoping to meet up with the PO to discuss further. If I have to disclose to my family I will dread. My dad's side I think would not be so bad, my mum's side it will make it all alot of worse since that side is fractured. My mum knows something is up but said she doesn't want to know at the risk her opinion of my partner is tarnished....
I'm not sure I can get away with my partner not coming to family events now that the PO has changed their view. I guess they now see extended family as relevant.
I will need to dig out the SHPO to check the wording bit he is defo not allowed any unsupervised contact with under 18s but there is a condition about the need to disclose to parents or guardians of under 18s but I can remember the criteria for this to kick in. We were originally told going to large family events would be fine but it seems the PO and police liaison have reconsidered this, which I understand and respect.
I just hope that the PO will agree that of we make sure my partner doesn't go to any future family events then I won't need to disclose. It will make it tricky because my family get on with him and my cousin isnt 18 for a couple of years yet. I also thought I could get away with not disclosing to my other cousin who is like a sister to me and may have a child in the next few years.
I am hoping to meet up with the PO to discuss further. If I have to disclose to my family I will dread. My dad's side I think would not be so bad, my mum's side it will make it all alot of worse since that side is fractured. My mum knows something is up but said she doesn't want to know at the risk her opinion of my partner is tarnished....
I'm not sure I can get away with my partner not coming to family events now that the PO has changed their view. I guess they now see extended family as relevant.
For the health of the long term family it would make sense to tell them
At some point there will be family events like funerals you can't avoid (for example)
I can see our family having this issue and I have told my family member who commited the crime he needs to tell family. His point of view is he is rehabilitating his life, yet he is not thinking about when there will be family events and people who do know are going, it is very selfish to think it is ok to rehabilitate and not accept the stress on other family members.
Otherwise you are going to always be making excuses and people are going to be asking questions anyway...
At some point there will be family events like funerals you can't avoid (for example)
I can see our family having this issue and I have told my family member who commited the crime he needs to tell family. His point of view is he is rehabilitating his life, yet he is not thinking about when there will be family events and people who do know are going, it is very selfish to think it is ok to rehabilitate and not accept the stress on other family members.
Otherwise you are going to always be making excuses and people are going to be asking questions anyway...
That is a fair point Dino and I will admit I had not thought about weddings and funerals.
Had the meeting with the PO and it was confirmed I have to tell my aunt and uncle about my partner...and the police liason will get back to us on whether we need to do the same for my cousins with newborns.
I guess the bubble has burst for me, thinking o could keep it secret. Will ring the helpline for advice on how to disclose because I haven't done it before.
Since we both didn't follow the SHPO correctly the rapport we have with the authorities has decreased. I highly recommend every offender to re read the rules every now and then, my partner could have got in alot of trouble and I think this is the only strike they will allow for now as it was an honest mistake.
Had the meeting with the PO and it was confirmed I have to tell my aunt and uncle about my partner...and the police liason will get back to us on whether we need to do the same for my cousins with newborns.
I guess the bubble has burst for me, thinking o could keep it secret. Will ring the helpline for advice on how to disclose because I haven't done it before.
Since we both didn't follow the SHPO correctly the rapport we have with the authorities has decreased. I highly recommend every offender to re read the rules every now and then, my partner could have got in alot of trouble and I think this is the only strike they will allow for now as it was an honest mistake.
With regards to things like weddings and funerals. I asked my husbands offender manager whether my husband would be able to go to something like that and they said it shouldn't be a problem. Their only advice was that should he need to go to the bathroom that I waited outside and that he didn't break his SHPO conditions around communication with someone under 16.
I do agree though it's hard to constantly come up with excuses. My husband isn't really into family 'gatherings' and such like anyway and when he worked weekends that was the perfect excuse for why he didn't come. Thankfully my sister and my parents know so they don't invite us both to things that would be awkward, but none of the extended family do.
I do agree though it's hard to constantly come up with excuses. My husband isn't really into family 'gatherings' and such like anyway and when he worked weekends that was the perfect excuse for why he didn't come. Thankfully my sister and my parents know so they don't invite us both to things that would be awkward, but none of the extended family do.
Hi mj,
We also had a similar arrangement, that we won't go to see family with under 16s unless a large gathering and I stick by him at all times. Since his suspended sentence is ending soon it will be all at the discretion of the police liason who seems to be more strict on such things.
I think the concern was raised since on at least two occasions we have 'bumped' into my aunt and uncle with my cousin since we live in the same town. These happened when I visited other family members and was unplanned. Again these were small gatherings and I would not allow my partner to go anywhere alone.
I am hoping my aunt and uncle will not be too mad at me from keeping it from them. I don't know how I am going to disclose to them tho, because my cousin is pretty much always home. I guess I will have to ask them to visit us or let us know when my cousin isnt home to chat about something that is private and not child appropriate? I don't want to do it over the phone if I can help it
We also had a similar arrangement, that we won't go to see family with under 16s unless a large gathering and I stick by him at all times. Since his suspended sentence is ending soon it will be all at the discretion of the police liason who seems to be more strict on such things.
I think the concern was raised since on at least two occasions we have 'bumped' into my aunt and uncle with my cousin since we live in the same town. These happened when I visited other family members and was unplanned. Again these were small gatherings and I would not allow my partner to go anywhere alone.
I am hoping my aunt and uncle will not be too mad at me from keeping it from them. I don't know how I am going to disclose to them tho, because my cousin is pretty much always home. I guess I will have to ask them to visit us or let us know when my cousin isnt home to chat about something that is private and not child appropriate? I don't want to do it over the phone if I can help it
Latest update: disclosed to my aunt and uncle tonight and went well. The pages on stop it now really helped my partner explain and keep calm. My aunt and uncle now need to speak to the PO to confirm disclose has been made.
The next issue now tho is my cousins. The police liaison is pushing for us to disclose to them. Even tho we said my partner won't go to family events. Baring in mind he has only met them once in the past three years and that I don't see them often (maybe once a year at Xmas). My cousins are new parents, and they are not as close to me than my aunt and uncle. I really dont think they will take it well. I also don't trust them to keep it to themselves.
My partner will ask again if there is a way we dont have to disclose but I am giving up hope. I have no idea how I would be able to disclose, it would have to be over the phone because I don't visit them and they don't visit us.
The next issue now tho is my cousins. The police liaison is pushing for us to disclose to them. Even tho we said my partner won't go to family events. Baring in mind he has only met them once in the past three years and that I don't see them often (maybe once a year at Xmas). My cousins are new parents, and they are not as close to me than my aunt and uncle. I really dont think they will take it well. I also don't trust them to keep it to themselves.
My partner will ask again if there is a way we dont have to disclose but I am giving up hope. I have no idea how I would be able to disclose, it would have to be over the phone because I don't visit them and they don't visit us.