Do I tell my friend or not?
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Hi.
apart from my bestest friend, some of my family and a couple of managers at work knowing of my journey so far no one else knows. 8months ago we had the knock and since then I've withdrew into my shell. Since lockdown was lifted I go out with my best friend more and one other friend who has been in constant contact through out the 8 months with texts. I've been informed by the police that they have finished the investigation with the devices and need to look at the evidence and decide the next course of action. Only Myself and my best friend know what the police has said but not told my ex, my family or his because I feel they will ask questions I don't know the answer to and his family will be annoyed I don't know and that I didn't think to ask.
Im now thinking it's nearing a end and could be in court soon if it's going to go that way then my biggest fear is he could end up in the local paper or online reports then people will talk.
Do I I tell my other friend who I regularly go out with what he's done and what may happen or keep it to myself and wait to see if he does go to court and then tell her in case he doesn't go. Part of me thinks she should know and be prepared for the questions and people mentioning that she's associated with me but part of me doesn't want to tell her for fear of what she will think and knowing it's another person knowing who could tell some one else worries me.
my friend lives very close to me has a daughter the same age as my youngest we work at the same place but I don't see her in work but her husband does who I see daily. In the past I've noticed she can be quiet judging with myself and others. I always called her a gossip as anything local she seemed to know about it and I would find out stuff off her.
do I tell her? Or do I wait and see the outcome of the investigation?
thanks stay safe x
apart from my bestest friend, some of my family and a couple of managers at work knowing of my journey so far no one else knows. 8months ago we had the knock and since then I've withdrew into my shell. Since lockdown was lifted I go out with my best friend more and one other friend who has been in constant contact through out the 8 months with texts. I've been informed by the police that they have finished the investigation with the devices and need to look at the evidence and decide the next course of action. Only Myself and my best friend know what the police has said but not told my ex, my family or his because I feel they will ask questions I don't know the answer to and his family will be annoyed I don't know and that I didn't think to ask.
Im now thinking it's nearing a end and could be in court soon if it's going to go that way then my biggest fear is he could end up in the local paper or online reports then people will talk.
Do I I tell my other friend who I regularly go out with what he's done and what may happen or keep it to myself and wait to see if he does go to court and then tell her in case he doesn't go. Part of me thinks she should know and be prepared for the questions and people mentioning that she's associated with me but part of me doesn't want to tell her for fear of what she will think and knowing it's another person knowing who could tell some one else worries me.
my friend lives very close to me has a daughter the same age as my youngest we work at the same place but I don't see her in work but her husband does who I see daily. In the past I've noticed she can be quiet judging with myself and others. I always called her a gossip as anything local she seemed to know about it and I would find out stuff off her.
do I tell her? Or do I wait and see the outcome of the investigation?
thanks stay safe x
Hello Rusty123,
Thank you for posting on the Family and Friends forum, we understand that it is not easy to post on a forum about these difficult situations. I can see that you have not yet had a reply on you post, hopefully you will do soon. Unfortunately, we cannot say what would be best in regards to disclosing to your friend. It sounds like you have spent a lot of time with her during lockdown but that you are unsure how trustworthy she may be given that you have noticed she can be judgemental. You know her best and therefore what may be best for you. We would merely suggest choosing who you disclose to wisely and ensure that they can be trusted not to share information about your family’s difficulties. There is a section on our website dedicated to supporting offenders disclose their offences, although you are the partner of an offender some of the advice may still apply to you - https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/concerned-about-use-of-the-internet/self-help/moving-forward/disclosure/.
I would like to suggest that, with your family members sentencing nearing, you take some time to look after yourself. This could be simple self-care activities such as going on a walk alone or engaging in a hobby you enjoy. It is important that you take care of yourself at this difficult time. I would also encourage you and your friend to reach out to us on our Stop It Now! helpline (0808 1000 900) for further support and guidance if you would like to.
I hope this has been helpful.
Take care,
Lucy
Thank you for posting on the Family and Friends forum, we understand that it is not easy to post on a forum about these difficult situations. I can see that you have not yet had a reply on you post, hopefully you will do soon. Unfortunately, we cannot say what would be best in regards to disclosing to your friend. It sounds like you have spent a lot of time with her during lockdown but that you are unsure how trustworthy she may be given that you have noticed she can be judgemental. You know her best and therefore what may be best for you. We would merely suggest choosing who you disclose to wisely and ensure that they can be trusted not to share information about your family’s difficulties. There is a section on our website dedicated to supporting offenders disclose their offences, although you are the partner of an offender some of the advice may still apply to you - https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/concerned-about-use-of-the-internet/self-help/moving-forward/disclosure/.
I would like to suggest that, with your family members sentencing nearing, you take some time to look after yourself. This could be simple self-care activities such as going on a walk alone or engaging in a hobby you enjoy. It is important that you take care of yourself at this difficult time. I would also encourage you and your friend to reach out to us on our Stop It Now! helpline (0808 1000 900) for further support and guidance if you would like to.
I hope this has been helpful.
Take care,
Lucy
Hi Rusty
Its a difficult one isn't it . Its my son who has offended. We haven't told a soul and I have a few close friends that I see quite often.
My friends are very caring and supportive individuals but I'm not sure how they would react. I work in an environment where Confidentiality is of paramount and we can only disclose information on a "need to know" basis . So I am constantly asking myself, do my friends need to know, they don't really , but I battle with the feelings of I should because then they can make the choice about whether they want to be associated with us as a family, same for family too.
my sons case never went to court so it is different , because the police said it wasn't in the public or my sons interest, so I always think of this to justify not telling anyone. I know it is different in your case, because there is always a chance that it will be reported in the media.
only you can decide and only you know your friend but if she/he in sincere I'm sure they will support you . I wish you all the very best
Its a difficult one isn't it . Its my son who has offended. We haven't told a soul and I have a few close friends that I see quite often.
My friends are very caring and supportive individuals but I'm not sure how they would react. I work in an environment where Confidentiality is of paramount and we can only disclose information on a "need to know" basis . So I am constantly asking myself, do my friends need to know, they don't really , but I battle with the feelings of I should because then they can make the choice about whether they want to be associated with us as a family, same for family too.
my sons case never went to court so it is different , because the police said it wasn't in the public or my sons interest, so I always think of this to justify not telling anyone. I know it is different in your case, because there is always a chance that it will be reported in the media.
only you can decide and only you know your friend but if she/he in sincere I'm sure they will support you . I wish you all the very best
Hi Rusty, like Maij it's my son who offended, we're still waiting to hear from the police so he hasn't yet been charged. I have largely avoided friends as I feel like I'm deceiving them, but my son's therapist recently told him that everyone has secrets so there's no reason for him to tell people (it's non-contact offending) which I thought was an interesting way of looking at it. I wanted to tell my closest friend and, two months since 'the knock' I'm glad that I didn't rush to tell her, I may still do so but I need to continue processing this myself first and I feel like I might end up with the added burden of trying to fix it for her. I have told one close friend, mainly because she found me sobbing and she had already guessed there was something wrong; she has been great but she's a fairly extraordinary non-judgemental person.
Sending hugs xx
Sending hugs xx
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Maij, sending you a hug back! You always have wise words. The sobbing - I'm not generally a crier but boy, have I cried; thank goodness for sunglasses xx