Do I tell my family about my son
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This is my first post and have so many questions. My son was arrested on Tuesday for online viewing and I think distributing, passing on images. he's been at uni but luckily my husband collected him straight away. I've spent 2 days on an emotional roller coaster feeling heartbroken, distraught, angry, numb and just completely overwhelmed at the situation. He was my golden boy and as a family we have all been involved in working with children both professionally and in youth groups. I feel so betrayed. He feels so ashamed. It's like he has a split personality, he's been leading a double life for 2 years. All the extended family think he's fantastic. I just can't believe he has done this and don't know what's happened to him. We were all supposed to be going on an extended family holiday for my Mums birthday in July What do I tell them? We obviously can't go as I have an 8 year old niece.
I love him so much, I just don't know where this leaves us and what the future holds. Any advice about how to handle this devastating news
I love him so much, I just don't know where this leaves us and what the future holds. Any advice about how to handle this devastating news
I'm adding to my last post cos as it was my first post and had to be moderated it seems to have got lost down the list over the weekend. We've had a pretty traumatic weekend. I had to see my Mum as it was her birthday but couldn't tell her truth yet. We decided to say my son has got serious mental health problems, which is not a lie! This just dragged up memories for her and my brother cos my brother had to drop out of uni after attempting suicide. They were devastated at this news but kept saying with my support he'll get over it. I feel completely torn apart cos I want to tell them it's not going to be as simple as that and cos it's a lot darker than they can imagine.
It's a a bit unreal. I've got more to say but another post another time is needed
please reply
It's a a bit unreal. I've got more to say but another post another time is needed
please reply
Thanks Lee for reply. Yes he is RUI so in limbo. Things have calmed down a bit since first couple of days.We have both phoned helpline, he had done some of the online things already and looking into therapy. I know he is not restricted and he needs to have some normality and to do stuff but I'm afraid he'll forget about the reality and severity if carries on with normal life. He is truly remorseful but I don't want him to think that if he does all the right things that somehow it will all just go away.
Heartbroken and confused
My situation echoes yours in nearly every single way, except I have no partner - I did until a week ago when this nightmare started.
I am dealing with the double blow of my golden boy, just a year older than yours, having been arrested for same offences, and my soulmate of last 4 years ,who I was with for life, just being erased from my life.
Am also working FT
Hopefully we can support each other
I did a double take when reading your posts,as I thought initially I'd written them and forgotten. X
My situation echoes yours in nearly every single way, except I have no partner - I did until a week ago when this nightmare started.
I am dealing with the double blow of my golden boy, just a year older than yours, having been arrested for same offences, and my soulmate of last 4 years ,who I was with for life, just being erased from my life.
Am also working FT
Hopefully we can support each other
I did a double take when reading your posts,as I thought initially I'd written them and forgotten. X
Your story could have been written by me - my golden boy got the knock about 6 weeks ago. He was doing brilliantly at uni, popular, sociable, was absolutely living his best life; but it turned out to be a double life. It's a cliche but I'm living on a rollercoaster - I have days where I'm SO angry, days where I'm calm, days where I'm sad. It's early in our journey so I can't give you much advice other than take care of your own mental and physical health and read as much about this as you can get your hands on so that you can support him. I would also recommend that you book a 20 minute 'meeting' with your son each day; my son's therapist suggested this and it works well. It gives us both chance to talk about things that may have arisen, to clear the air if necessary and for me to check in and see how he's feeling; we had a few cataclysmic rows before this and it's definitely helped. Some days we don't necessarily need it, but we use the time to do 'life admin' instead. On the subject of telling people, I would suggest not at this stage and our solicitor recommended that we don't.
I'm sending you huge hugs and a ton of support - I'm sure you feel very alone, I do most of the time, but you're not xx
I'm sending you huge hugs and a ton of support - I'm sure you feel very alone, I do most of the time, but you're not xx
Can I ask those of you for who being on her is about your young adult sons, at uni etc, do their friends know? How are they explaining their absence from usual life? Thanks
WeeWitch, his closest friends know because of house share - in the main they've been supportive but have distanced themselves now. We used 'mental health issues' as the reason for him returning home; the uni have been very supportive and only the key personnel that need to know have been informed.
We too have used mental health issues as an explanation to family so far and to colleagues at work for me.
Because of COVID and no lectures etc and end of term not had much contact with others. He only had one housemate living with him last week when police came at 6 in the morning. My son didn't disclose to him but just asked him not to tell others that the police had been round. Don't know how that will pan out in the future. He has just finished 3rd year so many had completed degrees. He may never see them again. His friends back home don't know and as yet he hasn't wanted to see them too early and too raw. With reflection we are taking advice not to tell people at the moment. I don't think he could bear the judgements at the moment.
Thank you for therapy advice. The 20 minute a day seems a really good idea. Discussions so far have all been a bit emotional but now need to get some routine going. We have completed request forms for therapy but just have to wait to see if any are available in our area.
I hope we all find some way to get through this. Virtual hugs x
Because of COVID and no lectures etc and end of term not had much contact with others. He only had one housemate living with him last week when police came at 6 in the morning. My son didn't disclose to him but just asked him not to tell others that the police had been round. Don't know how that will pan out in the future. He has just finished 3rd year so many had completed degrees. He may never see them again. His friends back home don't know and as yet he hasn't wanted to see them too early and too raw. With reflection we are taking advice not to tell people at the moment. I don't think he could bear the judgements at the moment.
Thank you for therapy advice. The 20 minute a day seems a really good idea. Discussions so far have all been a bit emotional but now need to get some routine going. We have completed request forms for therapy but just have to wait to see if any are available in our area.
I hope we all find some way to get through this. Virtual hugs x
Thanks for the answers
3 of my son's female uni friends know, and know all the details. One is in close contact with me. All are supporting my son. But he won't speak to them,as so deeply ashamed.
I too am using the MH line, which is also true.
My son just wants to be dead. This is prior to being arrested.
We have managed to get him to see a therapist from saferlives,who he has seen once online.
She says he is too full of deep shame, remorse,selfloathing to start their programme,so he is having 2 therapy sessions with them before starting their programme. She said he is s deeply troubled young man,who presented as kind and personable.
This is the most heartbreaking journey I will ever go on. I will never minimise his offence,but I love my son so very much.
Trying to get head together to finish DIY in flat as am going to have to remortgage to raise money for therapy etc. Can't afford to. Can't afford not to.
Genuine hugs to you all x
3 of my son's female uni friends know, and know all the details. One is in close contact with me. All are supporting my son. But he won't speak to them,as so deeply ashamed.
I too am using the MH line, which is also true.
My son just wants to be dead. This is prior to being arrested.
We have managed to get him to see a therapist from saferlives,who he has seen once online.
She says he is too full of deep shame, remorse,selfloathing to start their programme,so he is having 2 therapy sessions with them before starting their programme. She said he is s deeply troubled young man,who presented as kind and personable.
This is the most heartbreaking journey I will ever go on. I will never minimise his offence,but I love my son so very much.
Trying to get head together to finish DIY in flat as am going to have to remortgage to raise money for therapy etc. Can't afford to. Can't afford not to.
Genuine hugs to you all x
Hello heart broken and confused,
its devastating isn't it! Please don't make any snap decisions. My son self disclosed to the police in Dec 2020, received a caution. Didnt go to court or press. But when he told the police we had about 5 officers come to the house and search it. It was about 4 months from start to finish. He has told one person, his girlfriend because he didnt want to mislead her, he wanted it out in the open. He hasn't told any friends and I haven't told any friends or family. So we have chosen not to discuss this at all. I don't see it as keeping it secret. The police know and have decided to give a caution, it could have quite easily gone to court/press.
i do hope you son is okay , my son has had regular every 2-3 weekly councelling sessions from the LFF since December, emotive but they have helped him manage this and reduce the risk of it happening again
take great care yourself .
its devastating isn't it! Please don't make any snap decisions. My son self disclosed to the police in Dec 2020, received a caution. Didnt go to court or press. But when he told the police we had about 5 officers come to the house and search it. It was about 4 months from start to finish. He has told one person, his girlfriend because he didnt want to mislead her, he wanted it out in the open. He hasn't told any friends and I haven't told any friends or family. So we have chosen not to discuss this at all. I don't see it as keeping it secret. The police know and have decided to give a caution, it could have quite easily gone to court/press.
i do hope you son is okay , my son has had regular every 2-3 weekly councelling sessions from the LFF since December, emotive but they have helped him manage this and reduce the risk of it happening again
take great care yourself .
Hi All,
I was wondering if any of you have gotten to the bottom of when this started for your sons, the thoughts when they were younger teens etc, my son is only 15 and I am struggling to relate this to the golden son you have all also described. Thank you xx
I was wondering if any of you have gotten to the bottom of when this started for your sons, the thoughts when they were younger teens etc, my son is only 15 and I am struggling to relate this to the golden son you have all also described. Thank you xx