Family and Friends Forum

Hi All. I am new to this forum and have found a lot of comfort knowing that so many other families are in similar situations and providing support. I have been married for 31 years with two adult sons. In Feb 2020, I received a safeguarding alert from my place of work. I was the Deputy Safeguarding Officer at the time

working in a Secondary school. All alerts showing any inappropriate words, images, phrases that are typed in a web browser are flagged up. Whilst I read the details of these alerts, I was extremely alarmed and had to report this straight away. In order to find out who this was, I needed to locate the device user.

On locating the device user, I noticed the device that was being used was actually my device which was at home at the time. I was beside myself, mortified, sick to the stomach and a whole wealth of other emotions came over me. This was my device and I was implicated in this.

I had to compose myself, I called home and spoke to my husband, as he was the only one there. He was silent, did not know what to say, but just broke down. As I was still at work, I said, I would speak with him when I got home. In the meantime, I had to report it to the police and the Designated Safeguarding Lead, who came to my home and took the device to give to the police.

When I got in the house, my husband broke down and was so apologetic about what he had done and the impact it had on my job - working with children. Later I was questioned by my school and the police as the device was mine. However, due to the fact that I could prove it was not me due to the timing of the images being downloaded, I was no longer a suspect (if you can call it that). During the lockdown months I did my best to be very supportive, but the more I was supportive I was, the more he thought everything was okay. This really frustrated me.

We started to become distant. He did not discuss anything me. It was as if nothing had happened. He did not even do much to help himself and only when he was told off by my older son, he decided to get some counselling.

Move on to March 2021. My husband had to go to the police station where he was convicted of 3 offences in all categories A, B and C and had to register on the sex offenders list. (I was numb). As I started a new job, I had to report it. After speaking to the Principal, she advised me that, all was okay and that if this was 2 years ago, I would have been dismissed due to guilty by association. I was lucky but still cannot believe this is happening.

My husband went to court in May 2021 and was fined and had suspended 2 year sentence. To add to my challenges, I laid my dad to rest in June 2021. The police and probation officer have also contacted my place of work, but "its nothing for me to worry about" they say. "It's just something we need to do for Safeguarding purposes". I feel like, I am the criminal here.

I dont know anything that's going on, I just have police turning up at the door unannounced and checking up on him. They say this will happen for years and there is a lot of other monitoring and appointments my husband needs to make.

I am lost, and left in the dark as he is not telling me anything. I just want him to go now.

I work with children and I analyse my husband this way. Children, take an exam, and some of them say, "I may not have got a grade 5, but I passed anyway" To me, my husband is behaving this way. By thinking that yes he's done a bad, thing, but he's passed, its finished. He's got a criminal record, but he still has his job, and didn't go to prison. To him everything is okay. I don't see his empathy and the impact it is having on me and our boys. No other family member knows anything.

It's an utter mess, I'm not only trying to deal with this, but also coming to terms with losing my dad is really really difficult. It is so surreal. Is this really happening to me?

Thanks for reading my post, and if you can provide some advice it would be great appreciated.

Cookies.

Thank you both for your comments, they mean a great deal and a huge support knowing that we have the same issues.

I am still really numb and have not spoken to my husband for a month now. He has not even contacted me either.

So, I'm going to seek counselling and some additional advice in how to move forward.

I thank you so much.

Love Cookies

Hi Lost123

Yes, he is here and I want him to leave but he's not going anywhere. He has another device in the house now as well and not sure if its monitored by the police or probation. In addition, as you mentioned, not taking responsibility, he obviously does not care as has not even told me he has got a new device. No consideration!!

I think I might have to seek legal advice on this as well.

Thanking you kindly for listening and responding.

Xx

Hi Lost123

Thanks for your advice. What is a SHPO.

I have been trying to call the Stopso, but very busy, but will keep trying.

Yes, this is also a very lonely path and there is no light at the tunnel yet. ?

I'm trying not to get too low and to keep myself busy.

Thanks again. I'll keep you updated.

Cookies

Morning Lost123

Thanks again for your support and encouragement.

My situation at present is where I live at home with my husband (separate rooms). Out kids are grown and have their own homes.

I want my husband to leave but he won't. We do not speak. I am struggling at the moment and very depressed although putting a brave face on for everyone.

I just don't want to do anything, I want it all to go away. ????

As noone knows whatvis going on, I feel so alone. I will Continue to call stop it line for additional support though.

Thanks for listening.

Have a good day. Cookies????????

Hi All

Four months on since my husbands conviction. He still won't move out for a bit to give me some space and it's so frustrating. He is just like a recluse now and treats home like a bedsit.

I have contacted a Solicitor and I gave him warning that I was going to do this.

Now everything seems to be my fault, and he is making me feel so guilty.

He has not shown any remorse or accountabily at all. I am so anxious and frustrated everyday.

I am now starting to see a counsellor and this might help.

Thanks for all your encouraging words of advice and wisdom.



Cookies

It's a year now since my husbands conviction and its worse now.

When he had his conviction I disclosed this to the Principal. She checked everything with her superiors and said due to the disqualification by association, I was fine and the matter closed.

I have a new principal now and I am not sure what she has against me, but she is a awful. The information was handed over to her when she started. The Probation Officer also called her in June 2021 to advise her.

She now alleges that someone has shown her the article online and she is now investigated me as if I'm the criminal. Its ridiculous.

My health is not great, collapsed at school due to the pressures. I have been on and off work with stress, still haven't grieved my dad properly, my husband just carries on as normal as if all is well.

I am living with my mom, and trying to find a place.

Not sure if I can deal with anything else.

Has anyone else at work been treated this way.

Thanks so much.



Cookies

Thank you Lost and Lee.

I am in a Union and have contacted them and waiting for a response.

I am off school now with additional stress of what the Principal has said in her Report. As I am in a different local Authority (LA), She has contacted them in order to contact my previous LA to find out why "I was not charged"

Despite LADO and the Police fully investigating everything, she relentlessly has defamed my name and told so many lies in the report. I was the safeguarding officer who had to report the concern of my husband downloading the images. In the report she said Why did I investigate it as it lacks integrity. "Why is she still living with her husband" There is so much more to her victimisation in the report. Its all made up, she hasn't even given them the facts.

I am going through so much right now and my husband does not seem to have a care in the world and leading his normal life as if nothing has happened.

I'm struggling so much, crying all the time and every little thing gets to me.

This forum is a great support and I am receiving additional counselling.

Many thanks for taking the time out to read my post.



Cookies.

Evening Lost123

Sorry for such a long late response. So much has been happening.

I contacted both Birmingham and Coventry LADO to ask for update so I can move forward and not one person has corresponded back to me.

I have everything documented and have had to also put in a complaint to the Union as they did not turn up for my appeal. It was shocking.

This has has gone to the Employment Tribunal now. Whilst all this happening my husband carrying on if everything normal.

It actually been two years now, but due to lock down he was convicted last year. Nothing has changed at all, it's like time has stood still and I'm dealing with all the physical snd Emotional mental health issues. Not to mention still grieving my dad.

It's getting all too much for me. Was thinking about divorce but this may add to everything, but I think that is the only way he's going to leave.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant on. I hope you are well.

Love Cookies

Thanks Lost 123

My son went on holiday and said that I could stop at his house until he came back.

It was absolutely divine to have that space and being on my own.

Even though I have a big enough house, when I am home, I still feel suffocated by with my husband here. I will be working on that issue soon. One step at a time.

I am having counselling and support to help with my breathing. I have sent all documentation to the Employment Tribunal, so praying and hoping that will get sorted. Especially a line under the LADO issue.

I am back at school now. The Principal was not happy to see me at all, but I am just being my professional self.

Thanks always for your support and encouragement. I will keep you updated.

Cookies

Hi All

Can anyone help. Just when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I have not applied for a new teaching job which is great.

I have however received letter from the police to state my enhanced DBS will have my husbands conviction on it. I have been advised to send a letter of representation.

Has anyone had to do one of these before?

Many thanks



Cookies

Hi Lee 2.0

Many thanks for this information. I will contact them

Cookies. Xx