Elephant in the room ????
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When my mum first found out about my other half she was devastated for me and very upset. By this time he had been senteneced for 4 years for dowloading and viewing. She said that he needed help and support. However now she has had a complete change of opinion. Her words "his is a phaedophile and how could I ever trust him etc etc. "As far as she is aware I am just supporting him as a friend whilst trying to understand everything. We had angry words which upset both of us and agreed to not talk about it unless I wanted to. Now the elephant in the room is awful.
I am so angry frustrated and sad that i am getting this grief from my friends and family.
I am so angry frustrated and sad that i am getting this grief from my friends and family.
Hiya.
Omg how sad. ((hugs)).
What did he get 4 years for that seems a long time if you don't mind me asking. Was it a load of stuff.
Hope you get stronger with each day xx
Omg how sad. ((hugs)).
What did he get 4 years for that seems a long time if you don't mind me asking. Was it a load of stuff.
Hope you get stronger with each day xx
Hi Chelsea1
4 years and sor for life!
To say the last few months have been horrendous would be an understatement. I have lost lots of friends over this and am now very careful about what and who I tell. Yes he had lots of images from category a b and c. And had shared images with other users online in chat rooms. He has held his hands up and is wanting and getting the help he needs. So far so good in prison. He has got lots of help already. But I am frustrated and angry about so many things. He is very insulated from the outside world, whereas my life has been turned upside down. I have had friends of 20 odd years share the online article on fb and other social media!! I am public enemy no 1 and unless I denounce him as an evil monster who needs putting down those views of me will not change. The added grief from my mum is the final kick in the teeth. It feels like it is getting harder not easier x
4 years and sor for life!
To say the last few months have been horrendous would be an understatement. I have lost lots of friends over this and am now very careful about what and who I tell. Yes he had lots of images from category a b and c. And had shared images with other users online in chat rooms. He has held his hands up and is wanting and getting the help he needs. So far so good in prison. He has got lots of help already. But I am frustrated and angry about so many things. He is very insulated from the outside world, whereas my life has been turned upside down. I have had friends of 20 odd years share the online article on fb and other social media!! I am public enemy no 1 and unless I denounce him as an evil monster who needs putting down those views of me will not change. The added grief from my mum is the final kick in the teeth. It feels like it is getting harder not easier x
Hi the divide,
I am so sorry you are going through this difficult enough time on ur own, I no how hard it is with help so I can't imagine how hard it is without the support.
Has this only just happened because if so it will die down, I have family who share things about other people, I think they do it without realising some times, not that that makes it any easier. I have lost friends we have known years and no my husband made a bad choice, but still decided they couldn't be friends any more but then I knew friend I had made has been so more supportive and I hadn't told her about it until he had been sentenced and it was all over fb, luckily she knew he wants to change and that's all that matters to her. Hang on in there and just shout on here and I'll chat
I am so sorry you are going through this difficult enough time on ur own, I no how hard it is with help so I can't imagine how hard it is without the support.
Has this only just happened because if so it will die down, I have family who share things about other people, I think they do it without realising some times, not that that makes it any easier. I have lost friends we have known years and no my husband made a bad choice, but still decided they couldn't be friends any more but then I knew friend I had made has been so more supportive and I hadn't told her about it until he had been sentenced and it was all over fb, luckily she knew he wants to change and that's all that matters to her. Hang on in there and just shout on here and I'll chat
Hi Divide.
Wow so sorry to hear this really is.
My hubby got the knock 26 may and it's a long waiting game. God knows when we find out.
Hubby says he hasn't spoken to anybody but had around 50 pics on phone and distribute around 10.
God knows what he gets. Soliceter said first offence , he's getting help so fingers crossed suspended sentence.
He must have had 100s in all categories to 4 years thou.
Thinking of you at these difficult times. Be strong xx
Wow so sorry to hear this really is.
My hubby got the knock 26 may and it's a long waiting game. God knows when we find out.
Hubby says he hasn't spoken to anybody but had around 50 pics on phone and distribute around 10.
God knows what he gets. Soliceter said first offence , he's getting help so fingers crossed suspended sentence.
He must have had 100s in all categories to 4 years thou.
Thinking of you at these difficult times. Be strong xx
I think it is understandable people would say things like that, 4 years in prison is a long time a lot of the time these cases are given as suspended, so there must be a lot of evidence to warrant a court case
It will you being strong to stand by him but also put yourself first too, do you see a future after 4 yrs? Move away and start afresh? Or would you rather work on rebuilding your life here and now and move on from him?
It will you being strong to stand by him but also put yourself first too, do you see a future after 4 yrs? Move away and start afresh? Or would you rather work on rebuilding your life here and now and move on from him?
There is no consistency at all in these cases with regards to sentencing!
So just because there is a prison sentence doesn't mean one crime is any more extreme than another.
My husband was meeting women through online adult chart rooms. Through this he chatted to a "13 year old", went to meet...he spoke to her....a 30plus year old vigilnante decoy!! He was stung and live-streamed. His life and mine were destroyed. His phones and computers were clear of any indecent images, or any other illegal conversations. It was a first offence of any sort. He was suffering severe depression and self medicating with sex/porn. He undertook therapy had physiological evaluations showing no attraction to underage at all. Pleaded guilty, as he did talk to someone who said they were 13, and he wanted the 33% discount for guilty plea as the likelihood was that a jury would want him hung drawn and quartered, and he also didn't want me to go through the humiliation of a trial, nor the expense as he could not get legal aid, so funded from OUR pension pot!
Probation report was positive, low risk, prison was felt to be unsuitable. But the judge on the day decided to send him to prison anyway!! Other cases, where there were IIOC as well, and sometimes preious offences, I have seen to not have custodial sentences.
So please, do not judge anyone on their sentence. Look at the person and the case.
You cannot predict the outcome, it is dependent on the various individuals in authority at every point of this horrendous and unjust process.
Please please be sensitive about comments and judgments, they can be very hurtful x
So just because there is a prison sentence doesn't mean one crime is any more extreme than another.
My husband was meeting women through online adult chart rooms. Through this he chatted to a "13 year old", went to meet...he spoke to her....a 30plus year old vigilnante decoy!! He was stung and live-streamed. His life and mine were destroyed. His phones and computers were clear of any indecent images, or any other illegal conversations. It was a first offence of any sort. He was suffering severe depression and self medicating with sex/porn. He undertook therapy had physiological evaluations showing no attraction to underage at all. Pleaded guilty, as he did talk to someone who said they were 13, and he wanted the 33% discount for guilty plea as the likelihood was that a jury would want him hung drawn and quartered, and he also didn't want me to go through the humiliation of a trial, nor the expense as he could not get legal aid, so funded from OUR pension pot!
Probation report was positive, low risk, prison was felt to be unsuitable. But the judge on the day decided to send him to prison anyway!! Other cases, where there were IIOC as well, and sometimes preious offences, I have seen to not have custodial sentences.
So please, do not judge anyone on their sentence. Look at the person and the case.
You cannot predict the outcome, it is dependent on the various individuals in authority at every point of this horrendous and unjust process.
Please please be sensitive about comments and judgments, they can be very hurtful x
The divide, you need to do what you feel is right. You are the most important person. Your happiness and peace is what should shape your decisions.
For me, personally, I am unlikely to ever reunite with my husband. Too much has happened, and his hook ups are too much.
But, I am supporting him. I personally need to see him through to the next stage of his life. We were so close for so many years, and I am honouring my core values.
Good friends and my family are standing by me, and have said they will support me in whatever decisions I make.
I hope your mum can open her heart to give you whatever you need. Xxx
For me, personally, I am unlikely to ever reunite with my husband. Too much has happened, and his hook ups are too much.
But, I am supporting him. I personally need to see him through to the next stage of his life. We were so close for so many years, and I am honouring my core values.
Good friends and my family are standing by me, and have said they will support me in whatever decisions I make.
I hope your mum can open her heart to give you whatever you need. Xxx
Tabs
What a interesting read.
I think society needs to focus on the bigger crime.
For internet crimes, there needs to be a advertising campaign to highlight the dangers of chat rooms etc.
The police and justice system need to have a different approach to the issues of offending because it affects the whole family.
What a interesting read.
I think society needs to focus on the bigger crime.
For internet crimes, there needs to be a advertising campaign to highlight the dangers of chat rooms etc.
The police and justice system need to have a different approach to the issues of offending because it affects the whole family.
I feel I also need to add that most of our friends and my family are deeply sorry for him too. Some are writing to him and want to visit him. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have taken it upon myself to learn about this 'crime' , and communicate it to them, and also listen to him and others to try and make sense. Listened to experts. Knowledge is key.
I truly loved him, so why would I completely desert him when he is rock bottom. X
I truly loved him, so why would I completely desert him when he is rock bottom. X
Thank you all for you comments.
His pre sentencing report which was carried out with him whilst on remand was really positive and was suggesting a non costodial sentence, however unbeknown to any of us a 2nd one was made without his knowledge which was the one that was read out in court. It was such a shock I was convinced it was someone elses.
Sadly he did have thousands of images and videos. I think lots had never even been looked at. As I said to his mum when would he have had the time. Since joining this and another forumn I wish I had known that a forensic expert could have looked to see how much had actually been viewed. Did he look at the first few on a file and not look at the rest. Who knows, but too late now.
He is hoping to get Categoryc D by this time near year, the prison have said its a high possibility if he continues well with no problems. And he can apply for parole in 2023. He is working towards both of these dates.
Anyway I am now dealing with the added stress of my children who have basically said its him or them. This has totally floored me as up until this point they have been really supportive of me and him. I was so shocked upset and angry I have not spoken to them about it since. (This happened on Sunday night) I have not spoke to them, partly because we have not see each other for more than 5 minutes due to work etc but also I am still reeling. Obviously this is a conversation that cannot be put off, but I am dreading it. I think this is more about the peer pressure they are feeling from other people rather than actually being about him. Its such a bloody mess. Just when I think things are calming down I get another kick in the teeth. (My children are both in their early 20's btw)
And still not spoken to my mum as I really do not have the energy at the moment.
So all in all life really sucks at the moment
His pre sentencing report which was carried out with him whilst on remand was really positive and was suggesting a non costodial sentence, however unbeknown to any of us a 2nd one was made without his knowledge which was the one that was read out in court. It was such a shock I was convinced it was someone elses.
Sadly he did have thousands of images and videos. I think lots had never even been looked at. As I said to his mum when would he have had the time. Since joining this and another forumn I wish I had known that a forensic expert could have looked to see how much had actually been viewed. Did he look at the first few on a file and not look at the rest. Who knows, but too late now.
He is hoping to get Categoryc D by this time near year, the prison have said its a high possibility if he continues well with no problems. And he can apply for parole in 2023. He is working towards both of these dates.
Anyway I am now dealing with the added stress of my children who have basically said its him or them. This has totally floored me as up until this point they have been really supportive of me and him. I was so shocked upset and angry I have not spoken to them about it since. (This happened on Sunday night) I have not spoke to them, partly because we have not see each other for more than 5 minutes due to work etc but also I am still reeling. Obviously this is a conversation that cannot be put off, but I am dreading it. I think this is more about the peer pressure they are feeling from other people rather than actually being about him. Its such a bloody mess. Just when I think things are calming down I get another kick in the teeth. (My children are both in their early 20's btw)
And still not spoken to my mum as I really do not have the energy at the moment.
So all in all life really sucks at the moment