Not posted for ages but has lockdown escalated things
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My story is old, hi to all the ppl still in here I recognise xx
I dont log on much as my head is full enough of our own problems, but was just reading yesterday and today and I must say WOW..
it seems to me that the isolation of lockdown has taken many many people down this horrendous path, and the police, lovely as always!!!, have been busier than ever.
Must be like shooting fish in a barrel for them!!
Not that I condone the IIOC viewing or anything. But it seems the police need to rethink the process
They are wrecking far too many peoples, families, lives, when I'm sure in a lot of cases, the knock. Would have been enough. It certainly would have been for my son.
A little recap for those that haven't read my journey.
He immediately told us all, and sought private counceller help with safer lives, he did the course, attended regularly after that weekly then fortnightly just to keep on the positive non offending road.that he says now that part of his life is over and he has no urge to look at anything like that ever again
He said at first he was relieved it was out in the open. He was suicidal. Sad, distraught, and unable to function (he was just turned 19)
After about 18 months we got court date, by this time he'd started taking the antidepressants, felt he no longer needed the regular safer lives sessions and was making friends socialising and having something to look forward to and live for.
Then court. 5year sor 5 years shpo, horizon course. Not prison thank god.
Then the day after it was published.
End of everything we had built up. No social life etc. Back to rock bottom without the ladder to social life.
I feel like the police caught him, (rightly so) and this changed his life... for the better. Got help, addressed issues etc.
Then 18months later they wrecked it.
And from what I've seen on here, lockdown has made many more young lads go down the dark hole, and it's just such a shame, this isn't treated like a gambling or alcohol addiction. And supported by the authorities. Instead its scandalised and un supported.
And that disgusts me almost as much as the crime.
Sorry just had to rant.
Hugs to all the mums, wives, girlfriends. And to the dads, brothers and sisters of the offenders.
We all need a bloody medal xxxx
I dont log on much as my head is full enough of our own problems, but was just reading yesterday and today and I must say WOW..
it seems to me that the isolation of lockdown has taken many many people down this horrendous path, and the police, lovely as always!!!, have been busier than ever.
Must be like shooting fish in a barrel for them!!
Not that I condone the IIOC viewing or anything. But it seems the police need to rethink the process
They are wrecking far too many peoples, families, lives, when I'm sure in a lot of cases, the knock. Would have been enough. It certainly would have been for my son.
A little recap for those that haven't read my journey.
He immediately told us all, and sought private counceller help with safer lives, he did the course, attended regularly after that weekly then fortnightly just to keep on the positive non offending road.that he says now that part of his life is over and he has no urge to look at anything like that ever again
He said at first he was relieved it was out in the open. He was suicidal. Sad, distraught, and unable to function (he was just turned 19)
After about 18 months we got court date, by this time he'd started taking the antidepressants, felt he no longer needed the regular safer lives sessions and was making friends socialising and having something to look forward to and live for.
Then court. 5year sor 5 years shpo, horizon course. Not prison thank god.
Then the day after it was published.
End of everything we had built up. No social life etc. Back to rock bottom without the ladder to social life.
I feel like the police caught him, (rightly so) and this changed his life... for the better. Got help, addressed issues etc.
Then 18months later they wrecked it.
And from what I've seen on here, lockdown has made many more young lads go down the dark hole, and it's just such a shame, this isn't treated like a gambling or alcohol addiction. And supported by the authorities. Instead its scandalised and un supported.
And that disgusts me almost as much as the crime.
Sorry just had to rant.
Hugs to all the mums, wives, girlfriends. And to the dads, brothers and sisters of the offenders.
We all need a bloody medal xxxx
I can't disagree with a single thing you have written
And tho just 2 weeks into this horrific journey I see it panning out similarly for my 22 year old son ,and that's a best case scenario.
He has broken the law and done a terrible thing but not for kicks for sad and lonely and desperate reasons. And he is already in his own tormented suicidal prison. If he lives thro it, I know he will never do it again..
And tho just 2 weeks into this horrific journey I see it panning out similarly for my 22 year old son ,and that's a best case scenario.
He has broken the law and done a terrible thing but not for kicks for sad and lonely and desperate reasons. And he is already in his own tormented suicidal prison. If he lives thro it, I know he will never do it again..
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Wee witch x
I think i read you posted he was getting help from safer lives.
They were fantastic for us, we had a few joint sessions too, which really helped me too.
Also can u get him to the doctors for medication, safer lives helped me convince my son it's not mind altering meds, its restoring a chemical balance, that needs to be balanced,
I explained like if u try to live ur life riding a bike with 2 wonky wheels, it's a struggle, but the anti depressants are like getting new wheels, you still have to ride it and pedal and the uphills are hard, and there will still be bumps and punctures and corners, but if the wheels are right it help u deal with all the rough stuff.
We didnt disclose to the doc at the time or after but I just dragged my totally distraught boy there and said he needs help.. now!!
Hope this helps xxx
I think i read you posted he was getting help from safer lives.
They were fantastic for us, we had a few joint sessions too, which really helped me too.
Also can u get him to the doctors for medication, safer lives helped me convince my son it's not mind altering meds, its restoring a chemical balance, that needs to be balanced,
I explained like if u try to live ur life riding a bike with 2 wonky wheels, it's a struggle, but the anti depressants are like getting new wheels, you still have to ride it and pedal and the uphills are hard, and there will still be bumps and punctures and corners, but if the wheels are right it help u deal with all the rough stuff.
We didnt disclose to the doc at the time or after but I just dragged my totally distraught boy there and said he needs help.. now!!
Hope this helps xxx
I agree with so much of what you've written. We're all on this terrible journey and have discovered a world about which we knew nothing; in a world where 'mental health' is such a popular term the reality is that it's really only fashionable to be depressed, or an alcoholic or a drug addict. This crime is, of course, hideous - but stems from a mental health disorder like any other and yet there is so little information or support and the legal process seems ridiculously inconsistent from what I've read on here.
After the initial knock for my son (whilst he was at uni) and several hours at the police station (not arrested or charged - we're still waiting) he was triaged by the police before they sent him home, to make sure we was 'OK'. Had it not been for his friends, he would have committed suicide that night. We got him home, took him straight to the doctor as a suicide risk; he bravely told the doctor what had happened and the doc suggested that he go running! I accept that exercise is good for mental health but really....? The doctor had absolutely no idea where to send him for help.
I can't condone his actions for one moment but the system for dealing with this is very poor.
Sending hugs to all xx
After the initial knock for my son (whilst he was at uni) and several hours at the police station (not arrested or charged - we're still waiting) he was triaged by the police before they sent him home, to make sure we was 'OK'. Had it not been for his friends, he would have committed suicide that night. We got him home, took him straight to the doctor as a suicide risk; he bravely told the doctor what had happened and the doc suggested that he go running! I accept that exercise is good for mental health but really....? The doctor had absolutely no idea where to send him for help.
I can't condone his actions for one moment but the system for dealing with this is very poor.
Sending hugs to all xx
It feels like you are all here living my life, so many similarities
My son needs meds but won't go as he cannot bring himself to tell GP whole story re arrest. I've said he doesn't need to , and it's true because his depression I now know has been for years and years and this mess/offence has been some awful way of punishing himself for how crap he felt. Ugh. He says he doesn't want to tell a half truth to GP. Can't force him, but he really does need meds.
Thanks all for your support, this site is what's keeping me going. Xx
My son needs meds but won't go as he cannot bring himself to tell GP whole story re arrest. I've said he doesn't need to , and it's true because his depression I now know has been for years and years and this mess/offence has been some awful way of punishing himself for how crap he felt. Ugh. He says he doesn't want to tell a half truth to GP. Can't force him, but he really does need meds.
Thanks all for your support, this site is what's keeping me going. Xx
Hi lola53.
I feel so much sorrow for your son and you and everyone else on here in our situation but I'm astounded by what the doctor said...
It's totally shocking that your son has told the doctor the situation. And the "doctor" suggested a young man in emotional turmoil with massive depression and suicidal thoughts... should go running...
Obviously a lad in his circumstances should not be going anywhere alone until the dust has settled he should be wrapped in cotton wool (with all medication in the house secured away) and reassured. (But mabe that's just my overprotectiveness)
Go running.... unbelievable.
My heart goes out to you x
I feel so much sorrow for your son and you and everyone else on here in our situation but I'm astounded by what the doctor said...
It's totally shocking that your son has told the doctor the situation. And the "doctor" suggested a young man in emotional turmoil with massive depression and suicidal thoughts... should go running...
Obviously a lad in his circumstances should not be going anywhere alone until the dust has settled he should be wrapped in cotton wool (with all medication in the house secured away) and reassured. (But mabe that's just my overprotectiveness)
Go running.... unbelievable.
My heart goes out to you x
Weewitch
Please try get him to see the doc. He doesn't have to lie. He doesn't have to disclose. He just has to say hes not coping at the moment and cant see a way forward hes not functioning and has had to come away from uni and his mum made him come as she is very worried. Even if he wrote it down and gave it to doc to read, as it's hard to say out loud.
If u can, go with him to support x
Im sorry to say My son basically didnt get a choice I dragged him there after a morning of him sobbing, saying I'm in the tunnel but there is no light and no matter how far I go there is still none. Dragged him to councillor, she explained about chemical imbalance etc
So we went straight to doc from there, told receptionist I wanted to speak to her in private, she took me to a room, I got tearful and told her the lad sat in reception wouldn't last the week unless we saw a doc now and started something that may save his life. She said ok and within minutes took us to a doc.
But at 22 your son probably wont let u do that, but however you can do it, please tell him to try x
Massive hugs to u both xx
Please try get him to see the doc. He doesn't have to lie. He doesn't have to disclose. He just has to say hes not coping at the moment and cant see a way forward hes not functioning and has had to come away from uni and his mum made him come as she is very worried. Even if he wrote it down and gave it to doc to read, as it's hard to say out loud.
If u can, go with him to support x
Im sorry to say My son basically didnt get a choice I dragged him there after a morning of him sobbing, saying I'm in the tunnel but there is no light and no matter how far I go there is still none. Dragged him to councillor, she explained about chemical imbalance etc
So we went straight to doc from there, told receptionist I wanted to speak to her in private, she took me to a room, I got tearful and told her the lad sat in reception wouldn't last the week unless we saw a doc now and started something that may save his life. She said ok and within minutes took us to a doc.
But at 22 your son probably wont let u do that, but however you can do it, please tell him to try x
Massive hugs to u both xx
You are so right in what you said!
my hubby was going online since age 12 (he suffered his own abuse as a 8year old and then a lot of other unresolved issues). He always (even at 12) spoke to people a lot older than him. He became addicted to the attention he would get from being watched masturbate. As a kid this was the attention he was missing from friends and parents ect ect. As I said lots of unresolved issues.
He was a master at hiding this - I had no idea. He had a very difficult 2019 and early 2020 then lockdown hit and BAM! He spiralled and even though for the whole of his addiction he had sought out people older than him this changed to anyone over 18. He found these "girls" listed as over 18. He then spoke to them (and the solicitor said this too me too!) and they absolutely sounded like adults and then a bit into the conversation said they were 12 and 13. So he didn't really believe it and frankly I think by that point his addiction was so bad and he was in such a bad head space he was so selfish that so long as he got what he wanted (to be watched - never asked for pics from them or for them to do anything - not that it makes it any better!!) it doesn't matter who it was.
Anyway my point is lockdown 100% made him worse and I really believe this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for that. In some ways I'm greatfil as he can finally get the help he needs! He is already so much happier in himself underneath the stress of social services (I'm pregnant with our first so that sucks!) and the legal process.
He is in therapy. He is doing courses and doing so well. If in months times he gets prison that will knock him back rather than help. And I just get so angry that people don't get the support and help! They just get punished and punished and punished.
I also really hate that decoys and vigilantes are treated as just as bad as if it were really children. It shouldn't be that way!
anyway sorry for the ramble but I do agree with everything you said!
my hubby was going online since age 12 (he suffered his own abuse as a 8year old and then a lot of other unresolved issues). He always (even at 12) spoke to people a lot older than him. He became addicted to the attention he would get from being watched masturbate. As a kid this was the attention he was missing from friends and parents ect ect. As I said lots of unresolved issues.
He was a master at hiding this - I had no idea. He had a very difficult 2019 and early 2020 then lockdown hit and BAM! He spiralled and even though for the whole of his addiction he had sought out people older than him this changed to anyone over 18. He found these "girls" listed as over 18. He then spoke to them (and the solicitor said this too me too!) and they absolutely sounded like adults and then a bit into the conversation said they were 12 and 13. So he didn't really believe it and frankly I think by that point his addiction was so bad and he was in such a bad head space he was so selfish that so long as he got what he wanted (to be watched - never asked for pics from them or for them to do anything - not that it makes it any better!!) it doesn't matter who it was.
Anyway my point is lockdown 100% made him worse and I really believe this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for that. In some ways I'm greatfil as he can finally get the help he needs! He is already so much happier in himself underneath the stress of social services (I'm pregnant with our first so that sucks!) and the legal process.
He is in therapy. He is doing courses and doing so well. If in months times he gets prison that will knock him back rather than help. And I just get so angry that people don't get the support and help! They just get punished and punished and punished.
I also really hate that decoys and vigilantes are treated as just as bad as if it were really children. It shouldn't be that way!
anyway sorry for the ramble but I do agree with everything you said!
Lizzy - thank you. Yes, I took your approach of wrapping in cotton wool; we also established a routine for him and we have a set time each day where we sit down and talk. He's seeing a therapist who specialises in this area - it's still very early days and he hasn't yet been charged but we're doing the groundwork.
Thank you for your support and love to all you fabulous ladies xx
Thank you for your support and love to all you fabulous ladies xx
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Majj
I agree with your words
I agree with your words
Hi,
This could be our story too, there are so many strong mums on here it really gives me hope. My son got the knock in February and has been terrified and desperate ever since. He knows he's done wrong and has been having counselling and working really hard to work out why it happened. He hasn't been tempted to go down that route again and is relieved that that at least is over, it was making him depressed and ill.
He is so worried about losing his job, the only thing that he gets out of bed for at the moment....I just don't know what the point of making them suffer like this is...they will learn their lesson and put in all the work they need to to put their lives right, but they lose jobs and friends and it makes life 10x harder.
I was so shocked when it happened, but really glad I've found this forum, I had no idea how many others had gone down the rabbit hole and I don't feel so alone.
Thank you all for posting your posting your stories and offering advice, it helps us all stay stronger.
This could be our story too, there are so many strong mums on here it really gives me hope. My son got the knock in February and has been terrified and desperate ever since. He knows he's done wrong and has been having counselling and working really hard to work out why it happened. He hasn't been tempted to go down that route again and is relieved that that at least is over, it was making him depressed and ill.
He is so worried about losing his job, the only thing that he gets out of bed for at the moment....I just don't know what the point of making them suffer like this is...they will learn their lesson and put in all the work they need to to put their lives right, but they lose jobs and friends and it makes life 10x harder.
I was so shocked when it happened, but really glad I've found this forum, I had no idea how many others had gone down the rabbit hole and I don't feel so alone.
Thank you all for posting your posting your stories and offering advice, it helps us all stay stronger.
Thanks Maij - you always have such wise words. Experts that I've spoken to in this field - therapists and lawyers - have echoed what we're saying on here, that there is little support. There are no role models either; we all know of public figures who have successfully beaten drug addiction or alcoholism and rebuilt their lives, but this is so taboo that we don't hear about anyone that's beaten it (our lawyer assures me they exist) and the secrecy really doesn't help any of us. A young man in my son's peer group tragically died recently and I found myself almost envying his mother because at least she can grieve openly and can find the support from friends that she needs - what an absolutely terrible thing to think, but I'm sure you'll all understand what I mean by that. I feel as if I'm leading a double life - at 8am this morning I was sobbing, by 9am I had my make-up and my smile on to go and help a friend with something. She has literally NO idea of the reality!
Love and strength to you all x
Love and strength to you all x
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Hi Maij,
So nice to hear that your son is currently in a good place - long may it last. Thank you for asking about our sons :-) We are still in limbo, my son hasn't yet been charged. He's got a summer job and is working as much as possible to keep busy, he's also seeing a therapist who is an expert in this field. Sadly his uni friends seem to have melted away and we found out last week that some of his local friends are aware of what's happened; he's been avoiding all social contact but this was still a blow, although it sounds as if they're being supportive albeit from a distance. He's normally really sociable and has a wide circle of friends so is quite lonely and isolated now. Do your son's friends know what has happened?
I've seen a therapist a couple of times to try to help put things in perspective, I was really struggling. It helped to talk to someone but I still have bad days, as I know we all do.
Very best wishes x
So nice to hear that your son is currently in a good place - long may it last. Thank you for asking about our sons :-) We are still in limbo, my son hasn't yet been charged. He's got a summer job and is working as much as possible to keep busy, he's also seeing a therapist who is an expert in this field. Sadly his uni friends seem to have melted away and we found out last week that some of his local friends are aware of what's happened; he's been avoiding all social contact but this was still a blow, although it sounds as if they're being supportive albeit from a distance. He's normally really sociable and has a wide circle of friends so is quite lonely and isolated now. Do your son's friends know what has happened?
I've seen a therapist a couple of times to try to help put things in perspective, I was really struggling. It helped to talk to someone but I still have bad days, as I know we all do.
Very best wishes x
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Hi Maij
Thanks for your message - it's so good to chat with someone in a similar situation. You're right, I did confide in a friend and she continues to be amazing, I am very fortunate to have her. It's fantastic that you son has the support of his girlfriend; my son was in quite a longterm relationship but they split very amicably over a year ago. I think at some point she may need to know but I hope not as it will hurt her so much. You're so right that this offence is one on its own; we're all on this very steep learning curve. My son has another year of university to go so we're currently trying to find a way to make that work for him; he's very ambitious and is determined to get through it. He got the knock in early May but, even in the turmoil that ensued, he managed to finish his essays and is keen to keep going.
I hope that you're OK - I totally understand what you said about good and bad days. I can have days where I barely think about it and others where I feel devastated and it's all so surreal. But we keep plodding on don't we!!!
Take care and best wishes, xx
Thanks for your message - it's so good to chat with someone in a similar situation. You're right, I did confide in a friend and she continues to be amazing, I am very fortunate to have her. It's fantastic that you son has the support of his girlfriend; my son was in quite a longterm relationship but they split very amicably over a year ago. I think at some point she may need to know but I hope not as it will hurt her so much. You're so right that this offence is one on its own; we're all on this very steep learning curve. My son has another year of university to go so we're currently trying to find a way to make that work for him; he's very ambitious and is determined to get through it. He got the knock in early May but, even in the turmoil that ensued, he managed to finish his essays and is keen to keep going.
I hope that you're OK - I totally understand what you said about good and bad days. I can have days where I barely think about it and others where I feel devastated and it's all so surreal. But we keep plodding on don't we!!!
Take care and best wishes, xx