Family and Friends Forum

Hi.

I did my first disclosure to my aunt and uncle yesterday. I recommend ring the helpline and/or read the module page on 'disclosure' on the stop it now site (under the third module).

It gives great tips and really helped my partner and I. Are you still with your partner? Ideally he should be the one to disclose to your parents. One key tip is don't go onto detail of the offending. My uncle asked about the age ranges for the offending and we said that my uncle may think he wants to know but best not to as it isn't something you want on your mind.

I know it is daunting and I hope it goes well for you. My aunt and uncle took it quite well, mostly because my partner explained the rehab he has done and that he was genuinely sorry for what he did.

Big hugs

Hi Scaredlamb

My situation is a little different to yours. My son was found guilty of communication offence but not images. My parents passed away 15 and 20 years ago so that was not an issue for me.

However, my aunt who became just like a mother to me was still with us when all this happened so they had to be told. My husbands parents and his family also had to be told as well.

We were so worried about telling any family and worried that us as well as our son would be disowned. We did not tell them until the week before court from sheer fright and only told them at that point because the solicitor advised us that it was very likely to hit the papers which it did. He advised telling family because if we did not then they would have opened the local paper and read it or saw it online. We didn't want that so we hit the bullet and told everyone.

We were very fortunate in that all family on both sides (bar one) stood by our son. Only one person on my husbands side said she wanted nothing to do with him but that was no issue to us or our son as we very rarely ( maybe once every few years) seen that person.

I can't tell you what will help to make it easier because the truth is that it just wasn't easy having to tell people. I never slept a wink for a few days before I plucked up the courage to see my aunt. The moment I told her I realised I should gave told her from the moment our son was arrested. She was far more upset that we'd gone through seven months waiting to go to court without her support. From that moment on we had her support as well as other family members. Sadly, she passed away while my son was in prison and he was refused the permission to go to her funeral because she was his great aunt. They only allow them to be accompanied by officers to a parent, child, wife or siblings funeral so he couldn't go.

I believe your parents Will likely surprise you and support you as and when you need it. Sit them down, take a deep breath and tell them everything. You will need their support as cases can take a long time to get to court or no further action.

Im not sure my post will help but I thought I'd share my experience anyway. Take care x

Hi

Is it possible to get online press releases removed and, if so, how long after the case was reported?

My husband's case went before the judge in early May; he has received a suspended sentence.

However, we live far away from his sister, cousins, aunt and uncle and we would not want them to accidentally stumble on the published material.



Any advice please?

Hi there

I would recommend ringing the Lucy faithful helpline to see if they know if anything can be done. But from what I have seen I think it is hard to totally remove but certain details could be removed to try to protect family, such as address or previous names etc.

Did it make the media? If so the case may be on the UK database (it's an unofficial website of offenders where those who create the pages seem to use media articles to add to the database)- if on there I think it is hard to get it removed since it run by volunteers and not run by official means (e.g. gov, charity). If you want to search the database I don't recommend adding the name in the search bar, just go through the list of convictions- I think they are in chronological order

I'm going to disclose to my mum and step dad today. Dreading it. I have kept it from them for over three years now....but due to issues with needing to disclose to family with children it is t practical to keep it from my mum. I know she could not cope keeping the info to herself so will tell my step dad too.

I am mostly worried about my step dads reaction tbh. It will break my heart of either them cut my partner out, but will be their choice. I think they have an idea tho, that we have something to hide. My step dad keeps mentioning the p word more often (or at least I think so, may be paranoia).

I am hoping that they won't be too mad at me for lying to them for so long. At first when I found at about my partner I was ashamed, then it progressed to feeling like the info is too distressing so would be a need to know basis. The PO and police think I should disclose so that I have support, but to be honest I have chosen to be with an offender and feel like I do not deserve the support. I know I can't demand it from family, that isn't fair. But it would be nice to be able to have another person to speak to. My partners parents I realise are not really engaging properly and come off as denial/ignorance.

Majestictopaz - I hope it went well yesterday. It must have been so hard and I really hope that they process the information in a way that provides you with support. Even if it takes them some time. Of course you deserve support - if you don't find any from people you know I am finding counseling useful to talk through everything xx

Thank you cloud.

Tbh I feel like disclosing has burst another bubble for me. Trying so hard to keep my partner's offence known to as little as possible. My step dad was very quiet/speechless and both my mum and step dad have the opinion /fear of my partner being anywhere near children. We did explain it is online offending only and explained the rehab, the SOR and SHPO.

Their initial response is that they think he will be on his best behaviour for the next 8 years on the SOR and then a high risk of offending in future. It is hard to explain the success and benefits of the rehabilitation my partner has done. They were not as receptive as my aunt and uncle. Hopefully in time they can be a bit more at ease. They basically said they will have their guard up if we are out and about in public. I did say it is very hard to avoid children in public but he is allowed to be at places like zoos etc, we just have to keep to ourselves.

And today found out that the police currently are not requiring my partner to disclose to my cousins who have kids. He just can't attend family events and if we did bump into them he has to make his excuses to leave asap and let the police know.

So now feel like telling my mum and step dad could have been avoided...at least they have an understanding and can help make sure we don't bump into my cousins I guess. But I really had hoped to keep it from them.

I am kind of living in a sense of denial on purpose I guess. Trying to live day by day, supporting my partner's rehabilitation and help him thrive to be a good tax paying citizen. It will take me some time to come to terms with the fact my original belief I could keep this to ourselves has gone out the window.

For me as long as my partner stays away from people we know with children we can avoid disclosure, less people to distress and reduce the risk of people being nasty. My mum and step dad warned that there are family members that would make our lives a misery and not keeping it to themselves if they find out.

My close relationship with my mum and step dad is severed... I am not sure how I'm going to cope and regretting the disclosure at the moment. I don't feel much sense of relief at all.

It has been a few weeks since I disclosed to my mum and step dad and I have had more Frank discussions with my mum about it all.

Ultimately she has warned me that my step dad doesn't want my partner anywhere near him but will be civil if my partner visits. My step dad is unlikely to come visit us at our home or go out of my partner comes with us. They had made my mum fell torn and it was painful to see that she was visibly upset knowing that yet another family dynamic in her life is fractured.

I told my partner that he is still welcome to go over to my mum's but now he feels like never going or seeing my step dad. He is also upset that he won't likely ever get the good relationship he had with my step dad- we knew this a risk with the disclosure. Looking on the bright side my step dad wasn't aggressive and hasn't out right refused any contact with my partner.

I'm hoping in time we will both feel more welcome when visiting and that my mum and step dad feel more comfortable being around my partner. It is still new to them ofc. Got our first family get together since the disclosure coming up soon which my partner cannot attend. I know my mum is going to find it hard to lie to her family about why my partner isn't coming along.