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We had the knock on Thursday morning, 7:35. The worst day of my life.
OH was arrested for 'communicating sexually with a child'. Makes me feel ill writing it. He's admitted that he has done this, and on more than one occasion. The police took his two phones (checked the rest in situ with nothing found), and once interviewed, he was RUI.
I can't seem to find any forum topics that are for the same arrest? Anyone? I scared myself by looking at the court history on CPS which noted a man who had done similar receiving 3 years in prison.
I can't align the man I know and love with this dark secret he's been hiding. I'm trying so hard to be here for him and support him. He's been very open and honest with everything, he's answering all of my endless questions, he's agreed and understands that what he has been doing is wrong and that he needs help.
I'm really also struggling with the reality that this could end with a custodial sentence and be splashed in the media. What will the neighbours think? What about my friends? Will he be attacked in the street? Will he kill himself? I've got so many questions racing in my mind...
We were supposed to be getting married in a big stunning ceremony next year - And now where will we be? In limbo? A court? Prison?
So sorry for the long post, it feels good to write this all down...
OH was arrested for 'communicating sexually with a child'. Makes me feel ill writing it. He's admitted that he has done this, and on more than one occasion. The police took his two phones (checked the rest in situ with nothing found), and once interviewed, he was RUI.
I can't seem to find any forum topics that are for the same arrest? Anyone? I scared myself by looking at the court history on CPS which noted a man who had done similar receiving 3 years in prison.
I can't align the man I know and love with this dark secret he's been hiding. I'm trying so hard to be here for him and support him. He's been very open and honest with everything, he's answering all of my endless questions, he's agreed and understands that what he has been doing is wrong and that he needs help.
I'm really also struggling with the reality that this could end with a custodial sentence and be splashed in the media. What will the neighbours think? What about my friends? Will he be attacked in the street? Will he kill himself? I've got so many questions racing in my mind...
We were supposed to be getting married in a big stunning ceremony next year - And now where will we be? In limbo? A court? Prison?
So sorry for the long post, it feels good to write this all down...
Hi blueshoes, I'm so so sorry you have ended up on this forum but it has helped me immensely.
Our stories are so similar. We had the knock at the beginning of March, 2 mobile phones were taken (and since cleared), all other devices were checked and cleared at the property.
My husband was questioned on 2 seperate chats with 2 different under age girls. He denied it for 16 weeks but eventually came clean (that has hurt me so much more, the fact he blatantly lied to me).
He has enrolled in the Stopso and Lucy Faithfully course and says he is finding it helpful. He claims he didn't even realise he was talking to under age girls, any attention was good attention. I can only assume he was chatting to a police decoy as neither of the conversations were particularly long.
Our file has now gone to CPS and we should hear in the next month or so if he is being charged.
I am the same as you, I have read people's stories where the partner has just got off with a caution, while others have received a custodial. It scares the life out of me as we haven't yet told our 2 grown up daughters, and in someway I hope we never have to.
Everyone's advice on here is so empowering and it's comforting to know there is always someone to talk to who understands just how heartbreaking this all is.
Try and look after yourself, I've found my GP has been very understanding and non-judgemental.
I will keep you updated on our case but please contact me anytime if you need to xx
Stay strong xx
Our stories are so similar. We had the knock at the beginning of March, 2 mobile phones were taken (and since cleared), all other devices were checked and cleared at the property.
My husband was questioned on 2 seperate chats with 2 different under age girls. He denied it for 16 weeks but eventually came clean (that has hurt me so much more, the fact he blatantly lied to me).
He has enrolled in the Stopso and Lucy Faithfully course and says he is finding it helpful. He claims he didn't even realise he was talking to under age girls, any attention was good attention. I can only assume he was chatting to a police decoy as neither of the conversations were particularly long.
Our file has now gone to CPS and we should hear in the next month or so if he is being charged.
I am the same as you, I have read people's stories where the partner has just got off with a caution, while others have received a custodial. It scares the life out of me as we haven't yet told our 2 grown up daughters, and in someway I hope we never have to.
Everyone's advice on here is so empowering and it's comforting to know there is always someone to talk to who understands just how heartbreaking this all is.
Try and look after yourself, I've found my GP has been very understanding and non-judgemental.
I will keep you updated on our case but please contact me anytime if you need to xx
Stay strong xx
Blueshoes - welcome to the club that none of us want to be in; I'm sorry that you've found yourself here but you're in the right place to get support and just to have somewhere to vent.
I'm a little over 2 months into my journey so I'm afraid I can't give much advice, but I know the shock and pain you're going through and am sending you a hug. Have a look at the 'Understanding Why' section, there's a great post called 'Advice for new members.....' which makes for really useful reading and will help you xx
I'm a little over 2 months into my journey so I'm afraid I can't give much advice, but I know the shock and pain you're going through and am sending you a hug. Have a look at the 'Understanding Why' section, there's a great post called 'Advice for new members.....' which makes for really useful reading and will help you xx
Hi Blueshoes, sadly there are many of us on here whoseloved ones were arrested for communication offences! My husbands arrest also involved vigilantes. One conversation with a vigilante decoy and a live-streamed sting. Devastating.
You will probably be in shock, you have had some good advice already, read that post to get some tips on getting through these early days. And know that you are not alone. There is always someone here to help you, and the helpline is a great support. I spent many calls just crying, they are very knowledgeable and understanding.
Big hugs to you. xxx
You will probably be in shock, you have had some good advice already, read that post to get some tips on getting through these early days. And know that you are not alone. There is always someone here to help you, and the helpline is a great support. I spent many calls just crying, they are very knowledgeable and understanding.
Big hugs to you. xxx
Thank you MW, Lola53 and Tabs so much for your lovely responses. It really means the world to me to know I have your support and I'm so sorry we're all in this boat that feels like it's sinking.
I will have a look through the sections of the forum you mentioned.
im feeling a small amount less lost today. We're very lucky that we have the financial ability to afford a good solicitor who we have appointed and will speak to tomorrow. Hopefully they can give us some direction because the duty solicitor that he was given was absolutely useless, we don't even know which form they worked for.
The OH spoke to the helpline at Stop it now for the second time today for over an hour and the lady was very empathetic and helpful. She gave us the stopso details which we will follow up and also was able to get the ball rolling with the engageplus course.
I will keep you updated with anything that comes our way. I'm very very thankful to have this forum to help, thank you x
I will have a look through the sections of the forum you mentioned.
im feeling a small amount less lost today. We're very lucky that we have the financial ability to afford a good solicitor who we have appointed and will speak to tomorrow. Hopefully they can give us some direction because the duty solicitor that he was given was absolutely useless, we don't even know which form they worked for.
The OH spoke to the helpline at Stop it now for the second time today for over an hour and the lady was very empathetic and helpful. She gave us the stopso details which we will follow up and also was able to get the ball rolling with the engageplus course.
I will keep you updated with anything that comes our way. I'm very very thankful to have this forum to help, thank you x
Blueshoes that sounds like you are making positive steps. I find that most days life just goes on as normal as it can but other days everything feels so overwhelming, and those are the days I use this site.
Keep us updated my love xxx
Keep us updated my love xxx
Hi Blueshoes!
We have an almost identical case to yours. Hubby was arrested and devises taken 17tj May. We haven't heard anything from the police directly since. We just also have the complication that I'm pregnant with our first baby so have to contend with social services snd have less money to spend out because of it. From social worker we did find out it was police decoys and that hubby's phone was quick checked and cleared. But as far as I know the download of the devices hasn't happened yet let alone even looking at the data.
Just to inform you if you do go down the route of a stopso therapist (which can be amazing as my hubby is really responding well and being helped though his own past abuse and addictions) then you won't be able to do the engage plus course at the same time. I was like you and wanted hubby to do both as did he - but it's been explained that it's not a good idea to do both at the same time as they can work against each other and they won't get the most out of it. So just prepare yourself that you might not be able to do the course as easily as you think. Not all is lost though after therapy has begun and when he is ready he can do the course - but you can't rush it.
this is going to be a long long process and so you have time for him to do both things. If it comes down to it and he hasn't been able to do the course by the time court comes around LFF with write a letter to say that he has been engaging with the helpline and will eventually be able to go onto the course - so you will have that to help.
Try not to think too much into the future right now, as this process can take such a long time. As for things like media attention ect it is very dependent on the press on the day and if they think it's worth reporting I'm told. So don't stress about it until you have to.
For now take one day at a time, take time to do the modules on the stop it now website. Get your partner to do them and if he/you feel comfortable then talk them through together. Some of these are really really tough on them so be prepared for this.
One thing we have begun is both writing a journal each night to focus on good/bad things we have felt, goals for the next day and achievements. We then after writing do a check in with each other. It's actually helped us become closer as a couple and has helped with hubby's anxiety.
Finally, I've learnt not to spend too much time looking at similar cases! There isn't any consistency really and it's not going to give you the answers you need. Having said that, if you must look - then look at local cases rather than National! And ask your solicitor what they think too. But just remember always that it's down to the judge on the day but there are things you can do to possibly help!
thinking of you.
We have an almost identical case to yours. Hubby was arrested and devises taken 17tj May. We haven't heard anything from the police directly since. We just also have the complication that I'm pregnant with our first baby so have to contend with social services snd have less money to spend out because of it. From social worker we did find out it was police decoys and that hubby's phone was quick checked and cleared. But as far as I know the download of the devices hasn't happened yet let alone even looking at the data.
Just to inform you if you do go down the route of a stopso therapist (which can be amazing as my hubby is really responding well and being helped though his own past abuse and addictions) then you won't be able to do the engage plus course at the same time. I was like you and wanted hubby to do both as did he - but it's been explained that it's not a good idea to do both at the same time as they can work against each other and they won't get the most out of it. So just prepare yourself that you might not be able to do the course as easily as you think. Not all is lost though after therapy has begun and when he is ready he can do the course - but you can't rush it.
this is going to be a long long process and so you have time for him to do both things. If it comes down to it and he hasn't been able to do the course by the time court comes around LFF with write a letter to say that he has been engaging with the helpline and will eventually be able to go onto the course - so you will have that to help.
Try not to think too much into the future right now, as this process can take such a long time. As for things like media attention ect it is very dependent on the press on the day and if they think it's worth reporting I'm told. So don't stress about it until you have to.
For now take one day at a time, take time to do the modules on the stop it now website. Get your partner to do them and if he/you feel comfortable then talk them through together. Some of these are really really tough on them so be prepared for this.
One thing we have begun is both writing a journal each night to focus on good/bad things we have felt, goals for the next day and achievements. We then after writing do a check in with each other. It's actually helped us become closer as a couple and has helped with hubby's anxiety.
Finally, I've learnt not to spend too much time looking at similar cases! There isn't any consistency really and it's not going to give you the answers you need. Having said that, if you must look - then look at local cases rather than National! And ask your solicitor what they think too. But just remember always that it's down to the judge on the day but there are things you can do to possibly help!
thinking of you.
Hi scared lamb
first off, congratulations on your baby, I'm so sorry that you've been put into this situation during this time :( I wish I could give you a real cuddle.
also, thank you so much for replying - our situations sound so similar. I really appreciate the advice you've given as well. Perhaps if he does the engageplus course first and then the counselling - I really don't know!
OH spoke to his solicitor today who was helpful. I'm annoyed because OH over divulged in his police interview on the watch of a duty solicitor. New solicitor said he shouldn't have said anything, but I guess morally, OH has done the right thing.
Solicitor explained that, if OH is being honest, we're looking at 12-18 months prison, with the hope he gets a suspended sentence. Scary shhhh**t. I've drank the best part of a bottle of wine this afternoon, better not make that a habit :/
love to all <3
first off, congratulations on your baby, I'm so sorry that you've been put into this situation during this time :( I wish I could give you a real cuddle.
also, thank you so much for replying - our situations sound so similar. I really appreciate the advice you've given as well. Perhaps if he does the engageplus course first and then the counselling - I really don't know!
OH spoke to his solicitor today who was helpful. I'm annoyed because OH over divulged in his police interview on the watch of a duty solicitor. New solicitor said he shouldn't have said anything, but I guess morally, OH has done the right thing.
Solicitor explained that, if OH is being honest, we're looking at 12-18 months prison, with the hope he gets a suspended sentence. Scary shhhh**t. I've drank the best part of a bottle of wine this afternoon, better not make that a habit :/
love to all <3
Hi blueshoes,
Hope you are well and coping as best you can given the circumstances. You mentioned that your solicitor has said he is likely to get a suspended sentence, and that your OH had admitted chatting to girls on more than one occasion. Could I ask how many conversations have actually been recorded by the police, have images/photos been sent or any plans to meet?
Hope you are well and coping as best you can given the circumstances. You mentioned that your solicitor has said he is likely to get a suspended sentence, and that your OH had admitted chatting to girls on more than one occasion. Could I ask how many conversations have actually been recorded by the police, have images/photos been sent or any plans to meet?
Thinking of you. Your thoughts must be all over the place.
I am much further down the road; my husband of over forty years has been to court and got a suspended sentence in May but he is still on the sex register for ten years.
Lockdown was a respite for me as I knew the courts were shut...then everything happened very quickly.
You learn who is really a friend and true friends in my experience stand by you because they "know you" In my experience, those who do not know you or barely know you, as in the case of my neighbours, are judgemental; I feel that there is this belief that "she must have known" and, it seems to me, they adopt the moral highground. What I found hardest to take at the time was the open street gossiping that could be overheard. However, after a week of intense anger on my part, I realised that I had an inner strength of which I had not been aware and this has given me new-found confidence to deal with the situation.
I am writing today to ask if anyone can suggest a sort of timeline of feelings? Also, has anyone divorced their partner on the back of this experience?
I am much further down the road; my husband of over forty years has been to court and got a suspended sentence in May but he is still on the sex register for ten years.
Lockdown was a respite for me as I knew the courts were shut...then everything happened very quickly.
You learn who is really a friend and true friends in my experience stand by you because they "know you" In my experience, those who do not know you or barely know you, as in the case of my neighbours, are judgemental; I feel that there is this belief that "she must have known" and, it seems to me, they adopt the moral highground. What I found hardest to take at the time was the open street gossiping that could be overheard. However, after a week of intense anger on my part, I realised that I had an inner strength of which I had not been aware and this has given me new-found confidence to deal with the situation.
I am writing today to ask if anyone can suggest a sort of timeline of feelings? Also, has anyone divorced their partner on the back of this experience?
Hi Mw
The solicitor couldn't guarantee a suspended sentence but he is hopeful of it. My OH is adamant he wants to do whatever he can to ensure our future is secure, and I believe that he does want that.
In terms of your other question, From what I know, the police only have one conversation (a decoy) where he sent personal images of himself, but received none back. He was open with them in interview and admitted he had spoken to women and teenagers of all ages (from the work he's doing, it isn't the ages that mattered to him, it was his deep seated insecurities that led him to seek approval from any female, but that's something he needs to work through with his counsellors and certainly cannot be his scape goat).
im only a couple of weeks in from the knock so we don't know what they'll find in his devices. Even he is unsure as obviously we don't know how forensics work but he doesn't believe there is any imagery downloaded.
it's all very up in the air at the moment, I guess it's a waiting game to see what and if they find anything.
sorry I can't be more helpful :( I hope you are doing ok x
The solicitor couldn't guarantee a suspended sentence but he is hopeful of it. My OH is adamant he wants to do whatever he can to ensure our future is secure, and I believe that he does want that.
In terms of your other question, From what I know, the police only have one conversation (a decoy) where he sent personal images of himself, but received none back. He was open with them in interview and admitted he had spoken to women and teenagers of all ages (from the work he's doing, it isn't the ages that mattered to him, it was his deep seated insecurities that led him to seek approval from any female, but that's something he needs to work through with his counsellors and certainly cannot be his scape goat).
im only a couple of weeks in from the knock so we don't know what they'll find in his devices. Even he is unsure as obviously we don't know how forensics work but he doesn't believe there is any imagery downloaded.
it's all very up in the air at the moment, I guess it's a waiting game to see what and if they find anything.
sorry I can't be more helpful :( I hope you are doing ok x
Hesalai
I don't really have any advice or guidance on time lines, but I just wanted to send you my thoughts and love. I hope you're doing ok x
I don't really have any advice or guidance on time lines, but I just wanted to send you my thoughts and love. I hope you're doing ok x
Blueshoes.
Know I said this before but I'll say it again. Our partners cases are almost identical - I'm starting to worry he has a second partner haha!
He as well was going online to get that attention and also is sure they won't find images as he has never searched for them but knowing how pop ups and things work there is always a chance of them. He was also talking to people for so so many years and although generally older (much older) he did start talking to "anyone who would talk back" about 18 months ago so I fear there may be more.
Alongside the stop it now things a website I would recommend is "recovery nation". It covers sexual addiction. There are sections for him to work though to understand his addiction. There are also sections called "partners workshop" which is about how you can recover from the fall out and eventually how you can support him (though it focuses on you to start with as he has to do the work himself to start with)! The workshops are free and you can both sign up for the forum to post and get advise too.
How are you doing? You have talked a lot about your partner but how are you coping? Have you got some support?
Know I said this before but I'll say it again. Our partners cases are almost identical - I'm starting to worry he has a second partner haha!
He as well was going online to get that attention and also is sure they won't find images as he has never searched for them but knowing how pop ups and things work there is always a chance of them. He was also talking to people for so so many years and although generally older (much older) he did start talking to "anyone who would talk back" about 18 months ago so I fear there may be more.
Alongside the stop it now things a website I would recommend is "recovery nation". It covers sexual addiction. There are sections for him to work though to understand his addiction. There are also sections called "partners workshop" which is about how you can recover from the fall out and eventually how you can support him (though it focuses on you to start with as he has to do the work himself to start with)! The workshops are free and you can both sign up for the forum to post and get advise too.
How are you doing? You have talked a lot about your partner but how are you coping? Have you got some support?
I haven't read anyone else post but yours. In short, I'm sorry you have had this in your life. You have two clear choices in life. Stand by him or cut all ties.
I decided to cut all ties and am thankful for it. It's nearly 3 years and I am a better person for it. I have a new life, a new lease of life. Nothing is perfect but I'm happy. I help people who are struggling.
If you decided to stay people will judge you. But you have to be strong. You will lose friends, family, you pick him over everyone else.
It's your decision. And no one can make it for you.
I decided to cut all ties and am thankful for it. It's nearly 3 years and I am a better person for it. I have a new life, a new lease of life. Nothing is perfect but I'm happy. I help people who are struggling.
If you decided to stay people will judge you. But you have to be strong. You will lose friends, family, you pick him over everyone else.
It's your decision. And no one can make it for you.
Survivor of hate... you are right you do have to choose to stay or go but I certainly haven't lost any friends or family over my decision to support my partner. Perhaps I've been lucky but I don't think it's fair to make such a sweeping statement.