One week from knock
Notifications OFF
A week in from when it all started. Last Thursday I answered the door. 3 plain clothes police officers standing in front of me asking to speak with my husband who was in the back garden mowing the lawn. I went to get him. He’d not heard the door and the mower was loud. I nearly had to shout that the police were here. Anyway he went off to the door and I watched. They asked to speak with him in private so they went to the garage, I returned to my home office to try and get on with my work just thinking perhaps he’d witnessed something or do so with my in laws who were being absolute arseholes following my husbands mother dying the previous month.
Five minutes later, my husband appears in my office doorway asking if I had a few minutes. Concerned I’d asked him if everything was ok. His response was “no I’m in shit!”.
I joined the officers and my husband in the garage and at that point my whole world fell apart. The OIC (officer in charge) calmly advised me that they were there following them linking my husband online child offences. They’d advised that he’d been talking to and images with a minor. I was shocked/numb. I have no idea how I stayed calm. I listened to what they said. They then advised that they needed to search our property and will be removing devices from the property for their investigation. They gave options of a voluntary search or through warrant. I gave them full permission to do what they needed and that they were only doing their job.
The police were lovely. Responsive where possible to questions. I questioned if this was definitely my husband. They confirmed to me that they’d linked him via various means but couldn’t detail.
As they searched the house we talked. They looked at my office but as I’d confirmed my husband had no access to my devices or my phone they didn’t need to take them. THANK GOD.
They also advised that the investigation would be long and that it will take months.
They agreed I could make a call to work to explain I couldn’t work. No way could I focus on work and have confidential meetings with some of my team with them there.
I spoke with my manager who was amazing. Luckily he’s also a close friend so I could speak openly.
They took an old video camera, which I said was embarrassing as it had our old sexy tapes on. They provided reassurance that they’d seen it all before with the only difference being me. I’ve given them permission to destroy it after the investigation.
They looked through all my personal stuff.
They also had to speak with my adult daughter who lives with us to make sure husband didn’t have access to their devices.
Once the search had ended they took my husband to the police station for questioning. As soon as they left I went into melt down. Tears streaming. I phone my manager again and he just told me to take whatever time I need. I phoned my best friend I just needed to speak with someone.
On his return, he explained to me that earlier this year he’d gone into a chat site which I’d never heard of which had been suggested to him by someone, and started talking to 4/5 women. I challenged him on whether he knew the age. He said that all bar one had said they were 18/19 but one said she was 13 and he didn’t believe her. He’d sent dick pics and she’d sent him some tame back.
He then had to call his children because social services would need to contact them to make sure our grandchildren were protected. Each call was short before they asked to speak with me. All in disbelief and amazed I’d not kicked him out.
The following days were a blur.
Friday, he wanted to commit suicide, nearly walked out to disappear. I dragged him back into the house. Whilst a part of me was thinking - yep go ahead As it would end this nightmare and easier to say to others, I love him and knew that it would actually make things worse for us all. I called the doctor who referred to the intervention team. Lots of phone calls that day with them.
Saturday - the intervention Team came out, sat and spoke with him diagnosed acute stress reaction and gave him some sleeping tablets. Spoke with me and made sure I was ok and strongly recommended that I look after myself and try and get out if I can to get breathing space before they left.
I went out that afternoon to see my my manager, who was just so supportive and took my mind off it for a short while.
All weekend - I spent pretty much all my time on a knife edge watching him, constantly talking to his children to make sure they were ok and trying to answer their questions as best I could. They wouldn’t speak with him at all.
On the Sunday I researched and emailed solicitors who appeared to specialise in this, immediately received a response from one and arranged a call for the Monday. He advised we had plenty of tine as the investigation would take 6-18months and to hang in there.
My husband agreed he needed help. His son arranged counselling for him on the Monday. Which he’s attended.
We spoke with the solicitor and went through everything and will see him next week. The solicitor also recommended a specialist counsellor who specialises in this. My husband has his first session with her next week.
Ok the Tuesday I recognised that I needed help. I wasn’t sleeping at all and that was impinging me from being able to process anything. I called my doctor who was very sympathetic. Signed me off for 2 weeks and prescribed me sleeping tablets so I can get some mental relief.
Wednesday - I tried to call my employee assistant counselling service but found that it wasn’t really suitable for my personal circumstances. Just like a call centre to phone and talk to, and I feel I need one on one ongoing support. Spoke with my manager who is now looking at what else the company can offer me so I don’t have to pay for it.
My husband did things around the house and started to act like nothing had happened. All I could think was how can you be like that!
Today - writing this. My head is a whirl but I’m getting there, looking to get me some support so I can get through this as best as possible. It’s too early to make any decisions on anything so we’ll see how this plays out.
I’ve posted this to try and explain how I’ve got through my first week and I want to reassure any newbie here that whatever your feeling is ok. There is no one way to deal/process this stuff. Be kind to yourself xxx
Five minutes later, my husband appears in my office doorway asking if I had a few minutes. Concerned I’d asked him if everything was ok. His response was “no I’m in shit!”.
I joined the officers and my husband in the garage and at that point my whole world fell apart. The OIC (officer in charge) calmly advised me that they were there following them linking my husband online child offences. They’d advised that he’d been talking to and images with a minor. I was shocked/numb. I have no idea how I stayed calm. I listened to what they said. They then advised that they needed to search our property and will be removing devices from the property for their investigation. They gave options of a voluntary search or through warrant. I gave them full permission to do what they needed and that they were only doing their job.
The police were lovely. Responsive where possible to questions. I questioned if this was definitely my husband. They confirmed to me that they’d linked him via various means but couldn’t detail.
As they searched the house we talked. They looked at my office but as I’d confirmed my husband had no access to my devices or my phone they didn’t need to take them. THANK GOD.
They also advised that the investigation would be long and that it will take months.
They agreed I could make a call to work to explain I couldn’t work. No way could I focus on work and have confidential meetings with some of my team with them there.
I spoke with my manager who was amazing. Luckily he’s also a close friend so I could speak openly.
They took an old video camera, which I said was embarrassing as it had our old sexy tapes on. They provided reassurance that they’d seen it all before with the only difference being me. I’ve given them permission to destroy it after the investigation.
They looked through all my personal stuff.
They also had to speak with my adult daughter who lives with us to make sure husband didn’t have access to their devices.
Once the search had ended they took my husband to the police station for questioning. As soon as they left I went into melt down. Tears streaming. I phone my manager again and he just told me to take whatever time I need. I phoned my best friend I just needed to speak with someone.
On his return, he explained to me that earlier this year he’d gone into a chat site which I’d never heard of which had been suggested to him by someone, and started talking to 4/5 women. I challenged him on whether he knew the age. He said that all bar one had said they were 18/19 but one said she was 13 and he didn’t believe her. He’d sent dick pics and she’d sent him some tame back.
He then had to call his children because social services would need to contact them to make sure our grandchildren were protected. Each call was short before they asked to speak with me. All in disbelief and amazed I’d not kicked him out.
The following days were a blur.
Friday, he wanted to commit suicide, nearly walked out to disappear. I dragged him back into the house. Whilst a part of me was thinking - yep go ahead As it would end this nightmare and easier to say to others, I love him and knew that it would actually make things worse for us all. I called the doctor who referred to the intervention team. Lots of phone calls that day with them.
Saturday - the intervention Team came out, sat and spoke with him diagnosed acute stress reaction and gave him some sleeping tablets. Spoke with me and made sure I was ok and strongly recommended that I look after myself and try and get out if I can to get breathing space before they left.
I went out that afternoon to see my my manager, who was just so supportive and took my mind off it for a short while.
All weekend - I spent pretty much all my time on a knife edge watching him, constantly talking to his children to make sure they were ok and trying to answer their questions as best I could. They wouldn’t speak with him at all.
On the Sunday I researched and emailed solicitors who appeared to specialise in this, immediately received a response from one and arranged a call for the Monday. He advised we had plenty of tine as the investigation would take 6-18months and to hang in there.
My husband agreed he needed help. His son arranged counselling for him on the Monday. Which he’s attended.
We spoke with the solicitor and went through everything and will see him next week. The solicitor also recommended a specialist counsellor who specialises in this. My husband has his first session with her next week.
Ok the Tuesday I recognised that I needed help. I wasn’t sleeping at all and that was impinging me from being able to process anything. I called my doctor who was very sympathetic. Signed me off for 2 weeks and prescribed me sleeping tablets so I can get some mental relief.
Wednesday - I tried to call my employee assistant counselling service but found that it wasn’t really suitable for my personal circumstances. Just like a call centre to phone and talk to, and I feel I need one on one ongoing support. Spoke with my manager who is now looking at what else the company can offer me so I don’t have to pay for it.
My husband did things around the house and started to act like nothing had happened. All I could think was how can you be like that!
Today - writing this. My head is a whirl but I’m getting there, looking to get me some support so I can get through this as best as possible. It’s too early to make any decisions on anything so we’ll see how this plays out.
I’ve posted this to try and explain how I’ve got through my first week and I want to reassure any newbie here that whatever your feeling is ok. There is no one way to deal/process this stuff. Be kind to yourself xxx
Hi lost123
i think I'm lucky. I have a very supportive manager who has been invaluable.
the police did leave a leaflet for family members which had a few places to go to and gave my husband a different one for them.
our work requires us to call a third party to report in sick and they offer a nurse to call back. During that call she suggested I keep a diary so I've written down something each day so I can reflect back and recall things. I'm not a diary person but find it useful.
so glad you can find a new normal after a while.
i think I'm lucky. I have a very supportive manager who has been invaluable.
the police did leave a leaflet for family members which had a few places to go to and gave my husband a different one for them.
our work requires us to call a third party to report in sick and they offer a nurse to call back. During that call she suggested I keep a diary so I've written down something each day so I can reflect back and recall things. I'm not a diary person but find it useful.
so glad you can find a new normal after a while.
Blackbirds
Your week sounded like mine, I too had a supported manager they really got me through those dark days.
My hub was IIOC, very remorseful, stressed, try to take his life on lots of different medications now. He's getting there slowly.
You will go through many emotions sometimes you will want to leave. It's always your decision
We too have grandchildren, my hub hasn't seen them since.
The new normal isn't easy, its always there, but we do our best.
Take care of you
Virtual hugs
Anne
Your week sounded like mine, I too had a supported manager they really got me through those dark days.
My hub was IIOC, very remorseful, stressed, try to take his life on lots of different medications now. He's getting there slowly.
You will go through many emotions sometimes you will want to leave. It's always your decision
We too have grandchildren, my hub hasn't seen them since.
The new normal isn't easy, its always there, but we do our best.
Take care of you
Virtual hugs
Anne
Sounds like you're doing really well Blackbird, out of curiosity how long after the offence did you receive the knock?
I've found these posts very comforting, although haven't posted myself yet. I think I should.
Best wishes going forward
xxx
I've found these posts very comforting, although haven't posted myself yet. I think I should.
Best wishes going forward
xxx
Hi all
thank you for your comments and support means a great deal.
Anne20 - his children have also said that he's not allowed to see the grandchildren. Whilst they don't believe he would do anything they're not willing to take a risk for now and they don't want to have to keep dealing with social services. maybe that will change in the future but who knows.
Skyler2000 - my husband has advised that the offence took place in conversations during May and June this year so only about a month prior to the knock.
lost123 - thanks it is useful I considered an app but then thought it might be better for me to actually sit and write, it defo helps and I try to list some positives from my day also even if it's just seeing a shooting star at 2am or that I listened to music
thanks again for all your support, I know I'll/we'll get there slowly
thank you for your comments and support means a great deal.
Anne20 - his children have also said that he's not allowed to see the grandchildren. Whilst they don't believe he would do anything they're not willing to take a risk for now and they don't want to have to keep dealing with social services. maybe that will change in the future but who knows.
Skyler2000 - my husband has advised that the offence took place in conversations during May and June this year so only about a month prior to the knock.
lost123 - thanks it is useful I considered an app but then thought it might be better for me to actually sit and write, it defo helps and I try to list some positives from my day also even if it's just seeing a shooting star at 2am or that I listened to music
thanks again for all your support, I know I'll/we'll get there slowly
Hi blackbird
Your experience sounds almost identical to mine. Hubby is released under investigation for 2x sexual communication with minors and sending them pictures of himself (didn't receive anything back). He too was talking in general to people his age or much older (this all started after he was abused as a kid and then going online to find people to look at him since he was a teenager).
Those first days are the worst. We are 2 months in now and had the added complications of SS as I am now 8 months pregnant with our first.
If I have any advise for you it's this: take your time. Don't rush into anything and look after yourself. When you are ready get your hubby to do the modules on the Stop it Now website and then discuss them with him so you can learn what he has done and learn where his head was at ect. They are so useful for both him and you to explore the reasons and the way forward.
We both have been journaling since the start of all this. He writes about his happy and hard things, achievements for the day and goals for the next day. He also gives his mood a "score" and indicates if he has had any urges to go online as he used to have.
Mine is less structured as I'm more used to talking about my feelings ect.
After this we both share what we have written - or as much as we want to. We have a good chat about the day, and worries we have ect. It's actually made us a lot closer as a couple.
Thinking of you.
Your experience sounds almost identical to mine. Hubby is released under investigation for 2x sexual communication with minors and sending them pictures of himself (didn't receive anything back). He too was talking in general to people his age or much older (this all started after he was abused as a kid and then going online to find people to look at him since he was a teenager).
Those first days are the worst. We are 2 months in now and had the added complications of SS as I am now 8 months pregnant with our first.
If I have any advise for you it's this: take your time. Don't rush into anything and look after yourself. When you are ready get your hubby to do the modules on the Stop it Now website and then discuss them with him so you can learn what he has done and learn where his head was at ect. They are so useful for both him and you to explore the reasons and the way forward.
We both have been journaling since the start of all this. He writes about his happy and hard things, achievements for the day and goals for the next day. He also gives his mood a "score" and indicates if he has had any urges to go online as he used to have.
Mine is less structured as I'm more used to talking about my feelings ect.
After this we both share what we have written - or as much as we want to. We have a good chat about the day, and worries we have ect. It's actually made us a lot closer as a couple.
Thinking of you.
Blackbird,
My story similar in ways. We had the knock on March, my husband was arrested for iioc. I had absolutely no idea this and a porn addiction was going on behind my back for 4 years. He never came home from the police station as he went off and tried to commit suicide twice. Ended up being found and sectioned and diagnosed also with acute stress reaction.
no crisis team has been to see us since he was discharged in April, he won't take medication. I am constantly worrying he will try again even tho he says no. We have 2 children who I am functioning for and ss have deemed me fit to look after them and he is at home with us. I hate him for what he has done to us. He is seeing a therapist and a stop so counsellor so trying his best but for me it's not enough, I just wish he had never done it. He also has a solicitor on board but he doesn't want to talk much about anything to do with it so I have no idea how much will be found on his phone or what to expect going forward.
Anyway, like you I started a diary and seem to have made it through the last 4 months.
Virtual hugs to all those putting one foot in front of the other to function in this nightmare
My story similar in ways. We had the knock on March, my husband was arrested for iioc. I had absolutely no idea this and a porn addiction was going on behind my back for 4 years. He never came home from the police station as he went off and tried to commit suicide twice. Ended up being found and sectioned and diagnosed also with acute stress reaction.
no crisis team has been to see us since he was discharged in April, he won't take medication. I am constantly worrying he will try again even tho he says no. We have 2 children who I am functioning for and ss have deemed me fit to look after them and he is at home with us. I hate him for what he has done to us. He is seeing a therapist and a stop so counsellor so trying his best but for me it's not enough, I just wish he had never done it. He also has a solicitor on board but he doesn't want to talk much about anything to do with it so I have no idea how much will be found on his phone or what to expect going forward.
Anyway, like you I started a diary and seem to have made it through the last 4 months.
Virtual hugs to all those putting one foot in front of the other to function in this nightmare
Oh Starry I'm so sorry to hear that your road has been so difficult with little support from professionals. Keep putting one foot forward as that's all we can do right now.
We had crown court last week for viewing images all types, it took 9 months from the knock to court, my partner received a suspended sentence, no community service and 20 hours on a course if it was deemed he needed it, the best advice we had was from his solicitor, to try and take one problem at a time and dont think too far ahead, he has lost his job, and his son his ex wife was supportive until it hit the media, now she has told their son he has moved away to work, we are hoping at some point things will improve, we are going to get my partner counselling because he needs to understand why he did it, he stopped before he met me, had deleted images and sites and had never searched for anything which went in his favour, I think if we hadn't dealt with things one at a time my head would have exploded, we don't live together which has helped, its true to look after yourself, It took me a while to post on here but it has helped we had a specialist solicitor and a really good barrister my heart goes out to you, from a time point of view we have been lucky
Following on from my earlier post we’re now 2 weeks in from the knock. This week has been extremely busy and difficult.
Last weekend we went to see his children. We stayed in a hotel and it was agreed that I would go and pick up his sons partner and children and go to visit his daughter and her child for the day so that his son and other daughter could see him and ask all the questions they needed to. That day was extremely stressful. As I left to pick them up my husband was in tears knowing that he was not going to see his grandchildren.
I had a lovely day with the kids and when done I took them back to their other grandparents before going to get my husband from his sons house.
I believe that the day was productive for them and they felt some relief for seeing him and being able to ask questions face to face.
That evening my husband and I sat and chatted for hours. I learned more about his childhood than ever before. Stuff he’d never spoken about. I’d not felt that close to him for ages.
On the Monday we went to meet with a solicitor who we’d found that specialises in iioc. I left them to talk for a bit then joined them nearer the end. The solicitor was very clear that because he’d engaged in communication with a minor (although in reality more likely to be an undercover police officer), sent and received images He is highly likely to get a custodial sentence between 2-5 years. It was interesting listening to the solicitor explaining how common this is, how the internet has removed all the barriers that would prevent anything like this from happening in the ‘real’ world, desensitising the act due to it being in a virtual world. I left in a bit of shock. But with hope that with information provided I could potentially support him.
Tuesday he had specialist counselling which I was included on. The counsellor is amazing, she explained a lot more of what will happen now and the things he will need to go through to get better. Whilst I was happy with information learned, I kept thinking how come he gets all this support and in reality I get very little. I know there’s this forum which is great and a helpline, but outside of that nothing. He’s done this to me yet I’m the one without this support.
So I’ve found a counsellor myself. I had my first session on Wednesday, learned a lot about myself and that whilst not justifying or making excuses for his actions realised that maybe my own actions have supported him in negative ways. Just things like sorting out crap and fall out of things that have gone before, allowing him to not take responsibility or the consequences of his actions on other stuff.
Thursday was quiet allowed time to think a bit more.
Friday however, I took my adult son for his Covid vaccine. On the way back he started talking, he cannot believe I’m still with him and that I’m supporting a paedofile. I had to explain why he cannot tell anyone else in the family or friends etc - not because of my husband, but due to the possible ramifications that will come back on me if this got out.
I spent hours sat in the car with him trying to explain why my husband wasn’t that and that he was getting support to understand and prevent anything like this happening again. My son however is having none of it. He gave me a ultimatum- I either leave my husband or my son will cut me out of his life. This is tearing me apart. I love my husband and want to support him, I also love my son and don’t want to lose him. So either way whichever decision I make I lose something I love.
So now we’re at the weekend constantly trying to weigh up what to do. I’m anxious as I return to work next week (I’ve been off work since the knock) and people asking me how I am, what happened etc.
Lots to talk about with my counsellor and hopefully as time goes by my head will clear enough to make the right decisions.
Last weekend we went to see his children. We stayed in a hotel and it was agreed that I would go and pick up his sons partner and children and go to visit his daughter and her child for the day so that his son and other daughter could see him and ask all the questions they needed to. That day was extremely stressful. As I left to pick them up my husband was in tears knowing that he was not going to see his grandchildren.
I had a lovely day with the kids and when done I took them back to their other grandparents before going to get my husband from his sons house.
I believe that the day was productive for them and they felt some relief for seeing him and being able to ask questions face to face.
That evening my husband and I sat and chatted for hours. I learned more about his childhood than ever before. Stuff he’d never spoken about. I’d not felt that close to him for ages.
On the Monday we went to meet with a solicitor who we’d found that specialises in iioc. I left them to talk for a bit then joined them nearer the end. The solicitor was very clear that because he’d engaged in communication with a minor (although in reality more likely to be an undercover police officer), sent and received images He is highly likely to get a custodial sentence between 2-5 years. It was interesting listening to the solicitor explaining how common this is, how the internet has removed all the barriers that would prevent anything like this from happening in the ‘real’ world, desensitising the act due to it being in a virtual world. I left in a bit of shock. But with hope that with information provided I could potentially support him.
Tuesday he had specialist counselling which I was included on. The counsellor is amazing, she explained a lot more of what will happen now and the things he will need to go through to get better. Whilst I was happy with information learned, I kept thinking how come he gets all this support and in reality I get very little. I know there’s this forum which is great and a helpline, but outside of that nothing. He’s done this to me yet I’m the one without this support.
So I’ve found a counsellor myself. I had my first session on Wednesday, learned a lot about myself and that whilst not justifying or making excuses for his actions realised that maybe my own actions have supported him in negative ways. Just things like sorting out crap and fall out of things that have gone before, allowing him to not take responsibility or the consequences of his actions on other stuff.
Thursday was quiet allowed time to think a bit more.
Friday however, I took my adult son for his Covid vaccine. On the way back he started talking, he cannot believe I’m still with him and that I’m supporting a paedofile. I had to explain why he cannot tell anyone else in the family or friends etc - not because of my husband, but due to the possible ramifications that will come back on me if this got out.
I spent hours sat in the car with him trying to explain why my husband wasn’t that and that he was getting support to understand and prevent anything like this happening again. My son however is having none of it. He gave me a ultimatum- I either leave my husband or my son will cut me out of his life. This is tearing me apart. I love my husband and want to support him, I also love my son and don’t want to lose him. So either way whichever decision I make I lose something I love.
So now we’re at the weekend constantly trying to weigh up what to do. I’m anxious as I return to work next week (I’ve been off work since the knock) and people asking me how I am, what happened etc.
Lots to talk about with my counsellor and hopefully as time goes by my head will clear enough to make the right decisions.
Hi lee1969
Thanks for your reply. This really does give me hope that my son may come round - keeping my fingers crossed. My husband is also doing everything possible to address things and I really hope that this will help at least reduxe any sentence.
Thanks for your reply. This really does give me hope that my son may come round - keeping my fingers crossed. My husband is also doing everything possible to address things and I really hope that this will help at least reduxe any sentence.