Son not speaking to me
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Hi, firstly apologies for the long post, there's a little background that needs explaining.
Over 2 years ago we got the knock. I live with my husband and have a grown up son who lives with his fiancee and new baby daughter. My husband was arrested for have one online conversation with someone posing as a 14 year old boy, it turned out to be a police officer. The police have confirmed that that was it, there was no trace of anything else on our electronic devices. He went to court in May and received a 18 month probation order and 18 month on the register. He has been honest throughout, as far as I know, and has voluntarily worked on his behaviour and thinking with a specialised counsellor before it went to court. He admits it and is very remorseful.
He told his probation officer (po) we see my son and his family once a fortnight for a meal in a pub (I've had a difficult relationship with my son in the past). His po said he would have to notify social services and would let us know what the outcome would be before any action (ie telling my son) was taken. This was 2 weeks ago, just as my son and his family went on a 2 week holiday and they were due back yesterday.
So we were planning on telling my son if social services were going to contact him but we were waiting for his po to confirm that. It was my sons birthday last week so as he was away I sent him a message and asked for his bank details so I could transfer a present (this is a normal thing, he prefers the money), I didn't get a reply so I put it down to there being a bad signal where they were staying. I messaged him again yesterday saying welcome home and haven't had a reply. It's my birthday today and I haven't had anything from him which is really unusual. I'm assuming social services rang him while on holiday. What shall I do? Should I just go round? Plus aside from the impact its having on him and his family, I'm worried about him telling everyone else. We've kept it completely secret.
Over 2 years ago we got the knock. I live with my husband and have a grown up son who lives with his fiancee and new baby daughter. My husband was arrested for have one online conversation with someone posing as a 14 year old boy, it turned out to be a police officer. The police have confirmed that that was it, there was no trace of anything else on our electronic devices. He went to court in May and received a 18 month probation order and 18 month on the register. He has been honest throughout, as far as I know, and has voluntarily worked on his behaviour and thinking with a specialised counsellor before it went to court. He admits it and is very remorseful.
He told his probation officer (po) we see my son and his family once a fortnight for a meal in a pub (I've had a difficult relationship with my son in the past). His po said he would have to notify social services and would let us know what the outcome would be before any action (ie telling my son) was taken. This was 2 weeks ago, just as my son and his family went on a 2 week holiday and they were due back yesterday.
So we were planning on telling my son if social services were going to contact him but we were waiting for his po to confirm that. It was my sons birthday last week so as he was away I sent him a message and asked for his bank details so I could transfer a present (this is a normal thing, he prefers the money), I didn't get a reply so I put it down to there being a bad signal where they were staying. I messaged him again yesterday saying welcome home and haven't had a reply. It's my birthday today and I haven't had anything from him which is really unusual. I'm assuming social services rang him while on holiday. What shall I do? Should I just go round? Plus aside from the impact its having on him and his family, I'm worried about him telling everyone else. We've kept it completely secret.
Did your partner have the opportunity to disclose before social services were involved? My partner has a condition that disclosure is needed for parents of under 16s and get SS approval of those parents are ok with contact.
I don't think it will look good to SS that your partner didn't disclose before they reached out to your son. The PO for my partner was happy that my partner disclosed what he needed to my aunt and uncle and SS have since confirmed contact is fine in a family event setting under supervision.
There is advise on the stop it now website on disclosure, third module of their online resources.
It is best offenders do the disclosure and be honest. And SS can be very quick to get in touch with families. I didn't know SS were going to be involved and in the same day I found out SS had already contacted my aunt and uncle before I could ring them after work to give them the heads up. My aunt and uncle were not impressed and I apologized. We had already done the disclosure but I didn't realize SS needed a follow up.
I don't think it will look good to SS that your partner didn't disclose before they reached out to your son. The PO for my partner was happy that my partner disclosed what he needed to my aunt and uncle and SS have since confirmed contact is fine in a family event setting under supervision.
There is advise on the stop it now website on disclosure, third module of their online resources.
It is best offenders do the disclosure and be honest. And SS can be very quick to get in touch with families. I didn't know SS were going to be involved and in the same day I found out SS had already contacted my aunt and uncle before I could ring them after work to give them the heads up. My aunt and uncle were not impressed and I apologized. We had already done the disclosure but I didn't realize SS needed a follow up.
Yes he did. We have been wanting to keep it to ourselves. I had no idea they were going to move so fast, our plan was to tell him when they got back from their holiday as we didn't get chance before. I didn't know they saw it as a positive thing
Does your husband have a SHPO? I thought all those with convictions had one, but could be wrong. If so you husband has to follow it and understand the conditions fully. My partner could have easily been done for breaching and possible being put in custody.
Thankfully the police and PO were satisfied that my partner corrected himself and did the disclosure. We are trying to keep it to ourselves too so only sticking by the orders set in conditions.
It might be worth thinking about any other contact your husband has with other children and see if disclose is needed or agree with the PO your husband will not have any more contact to avoid SS involvement. I'm trying to get this agreed in regards to my cousins and their kids. I don't see them often and I think we can avoid my partner seeing the children during his sentence/SOR duration
Thankfully the police and PO were satisfied that my partner corrected himself and did the disclosure. We are trying to keep it to ourselves too so only sticking by the orders set in conditions.
It might be worth thinking about any other contact your husband has with other children and see if disclose is needed or agree with the PO your husband will not have any more contact to avoid SS involvement. I'm trying to get this agreed in regards to my cousins and their kids. I don't see them often and I think we can avoid my partner seeing the children during his sentence/SOR duration
Could be a simple reason like lost phone on holiday?
If you are really concerned it would be best to best to speak to him, you mention popping round so if they live near it may be worth as honestly face to face is going to be best. I was not told face to face and felt really let down.
Obviously if they were told on holiday that is one wrecked holiday! But I would try to contact them first before worrying too much there could just be a silly reason like a lost phone? They will have to deal with the fact of finding out 2 years late so do be prepared for the shock to come and give them time
If you are really concerned it would be best to best to speak to him, you mention popping round so if they live near it may be worth as honestly face to face is going to be best. I was not told face to face and felt really let down.
Obviously if they were told on holiday that is one wrecked holiday! But I would try to contact them first before worrying too much there could just be a silly reason like a lost phone? They will have to deal with the fact of finding out 2 years late so do be prepared for the shock to come and give them time