Am I a weak person?
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Does it make me a weak person if I cannot let my husband go? At the same time I'm disgusted by the things he's put me through. I'm going through an angry phase at the moment.
I often think I'd be better off with someone else. I'd be happier. A clean slate, and our slate is dirty.
But I don't want to let him go because he's my person. I'm so happy with him sometimes. He's me best friend and the idea of losing your best friend and never being able to see them again is horrible and breaks me.
I wouldn't be able to see him again if we split up and he's openly expressed the same thing.
I told a mutual friend about the investigation and she said she needs time to process. My husband seems to think he's lost her forever.
He's trying so hard to get better but sometimes it's not enough.
I want to be a better person because I'm wholeheartedly flawed too. I want us to work and live to see this through so monumentally badly but what if it just ends up breaking us?!
Im at a loss right now :,(
I often think I'd be better off with someone else. I'd be happier. A clean slate, and our slate is dirty.
But I don't want to let him go because he's my person. I'm so happy with him sometimes. He's me best friend and the idea of losing your best friend and never being able to see them again is horrible and breaks me.
I wouldn't be able to see him again if we split up and he's openly expressed the same thing.
I told a mutual friend about the investigation and she said she needs time to process. My husband seems to think he's lost her forever.
He's trying so hard to get better but sometimes it's not enough.
I want to be a better person because I'm wholeheartedly flawed too. I want us to work and live to see this through so monumentally badly but what if it just ends up breaking us?!
Im at a loss right now :,(
No you are not weak love, I am still with my husband its not easy, in fact its been bloody hard, obviously I don't no wat ur oh has done and its ok to be disgusted I am too but then I remember how good he has been as my husband as a dad to our girls, mine was a porn addict, and fell into the rabbit hole please don't think u r weak wat u r feeling is perfectly normal and u will feel like this for quite a while xx
Heya Dawn,
Mine has no predaliction to underagers, nor a porn addiction. His mistake was wanting male attention so utilising teenager and adult images to get it.
It's not the first time he's delved into male attention although last time it was legal images, I know and saw. We quashed the subject and swept it under the rug.
He struggles with drinking and I think I'm going through a hatred phase of grief at the moment. Hence the disgust because he used to lie more about drinking tan anything else. Whilst he's now upfront, it's still an issue.
I just don't know what to do... Will the phase end, can I build up trust again? It will take years, do I have it in me?
I'm the type of person who avoids pain. Avoids any discomfort. Is this causing my want to stay or is it because I genuinely love him. The time I spend with him is so unique when we're together. He's like my perfect fit and yet so not in the same way.
I want to change too because as I said, I'm really flawed. If we change together will it help?
I know the answers no one knows but it would be so nice to hear that broken relationships get better... Complete breakdown and fractured one can get better...
Mine has no predaliction to underagers, nor a porn addiction. His mistake was wanting male attention so utilising teenager and adult images to get it.
It's not the first time he's delved into male attention although last time it was legal images, I know and saw. We quashed the subject and swept it under the rug.
He struggles with drinking and I think I'm going through a hatred phase of grief at the moment. Hence the disgust because he used to lie more about drinking tan anything else. Whilst he's now upfront, it's still an issue.
I just don't know what to do... Will the phase end, can I build up trust again? It will take years, do I have it in me?
I'm the type of person who avoids pain. Avoids any discomfort. Is this causing my want to stay or is it because I genuinely love him. The time I spend with him is so unique when we're together. He's like my perfect fit and yet so not in the same way.
I want to change too because as I said, I'm really flawed. If we change together will it help?
I know the answers no one knows but it would be so nice to hear that broken relationships get better... Complete breakdown and fractured one can get better...
Blackbird,
If you fit and u work then u can through it if its wat u want only u can decide that but either way we will be here to help u through it, honestly I think sometimes will go through the hating stage a 1000 times over but if u still love him through it it's meant to be, Lee1969 I love that wat u said my husband has helped me through some dark days, days where I nearly ended and he didn't give up on me so I can't give up on him, if he was a really bad man and had treated me or my kids badly it would be different he would be gone but I no deep down he isnt he just made a really big mistake, there are times where I want to kill him but then there are times when I no y I love him x
If you fit and u work then u can through it if its wat u want only u can decide that but either way we will be here to help u through it, honestly I think sometimes will go through the hating stage a 1000 times over but if u still love him through it it's meant to be, Lee1969 I love that wat u said my husband has helped me through some dark days, days where I nearly ended and he didn't give up on me so I can't give up on him, if he was a really bad man and had treated me or my kids badly it would be different he would be gone but I no deep down he isnt he just made a really big mistake, there are times where I want to kill him but then there are times when I no y I love him x
Thanks Lee1969,
I have read your story yes but I didn't know your husband struggled for year with addiction...
It's sort of inspirational that you've stuck by him... Could I ask, where there times when you considered leaving and really wanted to ? Just because it would be easier than reliving the pain over and over again? Did you end up telling any friends about it? As I mentioned I recently told a friend and she is worried about me because this isn't the first time my husband has been caught cheating, though the first time we were so young and I understand now why he did it... I can forgive it because he was do young and I can forgive myself for staying because again, we were both young... My friend said she'd need time to process everything, she's his friend as well... He's written her off now as having lost a friend... I think in time she'll be okay ... But a long time ...
Trust is so difficult to build ... And I must admit, since the investigation I've gotten to know my husband a lot more thorough and we've done a lot of different things we wouldn't have done in the past... We're talking about things that we wouldve shaken us before ..
Thanks again Dawn for your response. It can be really difficult to know what to do...
I have read your story yes but I didn't know your husband struggled for year with addiction...
It's sort of inspirational that you've stuck by him... Could I ask, where there times when you considered leaving and really wanted to ? Just because it would be easier than reliving the pain over and over again? Did you end up telling any friends about it? As I mentioned I recently told a friend and she is worried about me because this isn't the first time my husband has been caught cheating, though the first time we were so young and I understand now why he did it... I can forgive it because he was do young and I can forgive myself for staying because again, we were both young... My friend said she'd need time to process everything, she's his friend as well... He's written her off now as having lost a friend... I think in time she'll be okay ... But a long time ...
Trust is so difficult to build ... And I must admit, since the investigation I've gotten to know my husband a lot more thorough and we've done a lot of different things we wouldn't have done in the past... We're talking about things that we wouldve shaken us before ..
Thanks again Dawn for your response. It can be really difficult to know what to do...
Hi Blacjhound,
I am feeling exactly the same at the moment. I almost feel that by staying with him I'm giving him a free pass and downplaying what he has done. I have constant battles in my head as to where it would be easier to leave, but I love him too much. It's so hard but I'm hoping it will get a little easier day by day, and that's how I'm living at the moment.
I am feeling exactly the same at the moment. I almost feel that by staying with him I'm giving him a free pass and downplaying what he has done. I have constant battles in my head as to where it would be easier to leave, but I love him too much. It's so hard but I'm hoping it will get a little easier day by day, and that's how I'm living at the moment.
I feel the same sometimes, am I just staying because its easier then uprooting and starting again.
I love my hub very much and helping him as much as I can, he will never be fixed and who knows what's really in his head. He done so much work and has not looked at any porn for nearly 2 years, which in it self amazes me, so I know he doing the best he can. His support network his also 100% he couldn't ask for more.
I just feel like I have to look after him, like I also have to live the sentence and I have hidden myself away.
I think no matter what the choices we make, now or in the future we are truly amazing, we are going through so much, and were all still standing maybe by just a thread, but we are.
Anne
I love my hub very much and helping him as much as I can, he will never be fixed and who knows what's really in his head. He done so much work and has not looked at any porn for nearly 2 years, which in it self amazes me, so I know he doing the best he can. His support network his also 100% he couldn't ask for more.
I just feel like I have to look after him, like I also have to live the sentence and I have hidden myself away.
I think no matter what the choices we make, now or in the future we are truly amazing, we are going through so much, and were all still standing maybe by just a thread, but we are.
Anne
Oh black hound many times I thought of leaving after everytime I found he strayed ( never physical but emotional affairs) and I still struggle with his behaviour from years ago
Very similar to mine, never a psychical affair but one greed fueled emotional and twice including the investigation chatting to other men online.
We have decided once all legal stuff is over we will do couple therapy the main reason is that I wont allow our past to affect our relationship now!!
i think that's such a mature thing to do, I hope it goes well for you. I think when my husband and I both get some private therapy I may look into couples. We've had it before but the investigation hadn't come to light then. If we stay together...
For 8 years I blamed myself and no confidence in myself physically or mentally but after the 1st arrest I knew his behaviour was nothing to do with me and that I had to educate myself on addiction and that is the thing that has saved us.
Is that what helped you understand that your husband wasn't in his right mind when he was doing these things? I understand how my husband got to the points he did when he did those things... But it still really hurts and I don't know if it ever won't... That's a major struggling point.
Dont get me wrong It took me 7 months to decide...
What made you decide to stay even though the outcome was undertermined? We've been told by the police and the StopSo therapist that his likely outcome will be a caution but I don't know whether to trust that or not and the idea of staying when my husband could be shown by the media as a peadophile sickens me because there's not a chance in hell he is.. I struggle with judgement from other people...
For me this is my own personal opinion and I wouldnt of thought twice about leaving if he didnt work on himself which he is still doing now all these years later and that means so much more than anything he has ever said to me in 10 years. For me personally I followed my heart and took no notice of my head because this is the most difficult journey to take on and I couldnt think of doing it if my feelings had changed towards him.
My head is literally telling me now is the time to go.. the level of disrespect and selfishness. I feel so ashamed of myself for staying ... I've been able to cope up until now because I've been ignoring it and continuing on with life as normal ... I've out up all of my walls and it's so painful trying to bring them down again. My feelings have changed a little bit, I see his need for alcohol as inevitable and unchangeable but most of all I see it alcohol vs me, and his love of alcohol as greater than me.. Which I know is unhealthy... He keeps making small positive changes but I am struggling to see them because I'm shrouded by hatred and anger.
... I'm in awe of your strength Lee...
Very similar to mine, never a psychical affair but one greed fueled emotional and twice including the investigation chatting to other men online.
We have decided once all legal stuff is over we will do couple therapy the main reason is that I wont allow our past to affect our relationship now!!
i think that's such a mature thing to do, I hope it goes well for you. I think when my husband and I both get some private therapy I may look into couples. We've had it before but the investigation hadn't come to light then. If we stay together...
For 8 years I blamed myself and no confidence in myself physically or mentally but after the 1st arrest I knew his behaviour was nothing to do with me and that I had to educate myself on addiction and that is the thing that has saved us.
Is that what helped you understand that your husband wasn't in his right mind when he was doing these things? I understand how my husband got to the points he did when he did those things... But it still really hurts and I don't know if it ever won't... That's a major struggling point.
Dont get me wrong It took me 7 months to decide...
What made you decide to stay even though the outcome was undertermined? We've been told by the police and the StopSo therapist that his likely outcome will be a caution but I don't know whether to trust that or not and the idea of staying when my husband could be shown by the media as a peadophile sickens me because there's not a chance in hell he is.. I struggle with judgement from other people...
For me this is my own personal opinion and I wouldnt of thought twice about leaving if he didnt work on himself which he is still doing now all these years later and that means so much more than anything he has ever said to me in 10 years. For me personally I followed my heart and took no notice of my head because this is the most difficult journey to take on and I couldnt think of doing it if my feelings had changed towards him.
My head is literally telling me now is the time to go.. the level of disrespect and selfishness. I feel so ashamed of myself for staying ... I've been able to cope up until now because I've been ignoring it and continuing on with life as normal ... I've out up all of my walls and it's so painful trying to bring them down again. My feelings have changed a little bit, I see his need for alcohol as inevitable and unchangeable but most of all I see it alcohol vs me, and his love of alcohol as greater than me.. Which I know is unhealthy... He keeps making small positive changes but I am struggling to see them because I'm shrouded by hatred and anger.
... I'm in awe of your strength Lee...
I am feeling exactly the same at the moment. I almost feel that by staying with him I'm giving him a free pass and downplaying what he has done. I have constant battles in my head as to where it would be easier to leave, but I love him too much. It's so hard but I'm hoping it will get a little easier day by day, and that's how I'm living at the moment.
It's really difficult isn't it Mw?
It feels like you're saying that you can be treated like this and that's it's okay because you'll always come back to him?
It's really difficult isn't it Mw?
It feels like you're saying that you can be treated like this and that's it's okay because you'll always come back to him?
I feel the same sometimes, am I just staying because its easier then uprooting and starting again.
I love my hub very much and helping him as much as I can, he will never be fixed and who knows what's really in his head. He done so much work and has not looked at any porn for nearly 2 years, which in it self amazes me, so I know he doing the best he can. His support network his also 100% he couldn't ask for more.
I just feel like I have to look after him, like I also have to live the sentence and I have hidden myself away.
I think no matter what the choices we make, now or in the future we are truly amazing, we are going through so much, and were all still standing maybe by just a thread, but we are.
Aain, it's so difficult to know what is the right answer isn't it Anne ? Are we scared if splitting up the family, do we love them or actually is it a bit of both ? I think sometimes I am both, but more importantly I think there's no right or wrong answer here... It's whatever you decide and that's that....
2 years without porn is amazing, well done to him! I take it your case hasn't been resolved yet Anne?
As a very open person, espeically these past few months it also feels like to me I've hidden away that part of myself, which kills me ...
I totally get the living life looking after him but actually I've come to realise that it's something to do with my need to control things, because things in our control make us feel safe and secure, happy.. When it comes undone, like another person having control it makes us feel like we want to grip tighter, gain control.
I've told my husband that for me to let my walls down again, which is so painful at the moment to admit I want to do... I need him to stop drinking for a while to show me he can do it... Then refocus his effort on finding another crutch ... I've told him this because right now, he's not capable of having one or two... It's a logistical and literal impossibility in the frame of mind he's in..
Alcohol, porn are both things that should be enjoyed in moderation and within the confines of the law.... Not matter what the situation...
You are so right, we are amazing people...
I love my hub very much and helping him as much as I can, he will never be fixed and who knows what's really in his head. He done so much work and has not looked at any porn for nearly 2 years, which in it self amazes me, so I know he doing the best he can. His support network his also 100% he couldn't ask for more.
I just feel like I have to look after him, like I also have to live the sentence and I have hidden myself away.
I think no matter what the choices we make, now or in the future we are truly amazing, we are going through so much, and were all still standing maybe by just a thread, but we are.
Aain, it's so difficult to know what is the right answer isn't it Anne ? Are we scared if splitting up the family, do we love them or actually is it a bit of both ? I think sometimes I am both, but more importantly I think there's no right or wrong answer here... It's whatever you decide and that's that....
2 years without porn is amazing, well done to him! I take it your case hasn't been resolved yet Anne?
As a very open person, espeically these past few months it also feels like to me I've hidden away that part of myself, which kills me ...
I totally get the living life looking after him but actually I've come to realise that it's something to do with my need to control things, because things in our control make us feel safe and secure, happy.. When it comes undone, like another person having control it makes us feel like we want to grip tighter, gain control.
I've told my husband that for me to let my walls down again, which is so painful at the moment to admit I want to do... I need him to stop drinking for a while to show me he can do it... Then refocus his effort on finding another crutch ... I've told him this because right now, he's not capable of having one or two... It's a logistical and literal impossibility in the frame of mind he's in..
Alcohol, porn are both things that should be enjoyed in moderation and within the confines of the law.... Not matter what the situation...
You are so right, we are amazing people...