I just can’t forgive.
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Hi ladies.
Ive read so many messages recently about how lots of you women have stayed with your partners and have often come out stronger.
I don't feel like that. He was a wonderful husband with a porn addiction I knew nothing about. I feel lied to and betrayed to for the last 4 years. Apparantly this all started when I had our second child as he felt lots of my time went on the children. We have been together for 20years. I have 2 children to think of and I refuse to let me and children be dragged into this sorry mess. I hate him so much and I will not let him ruin his life but at the same time I guess it is a problem that I know nothing about but I cannot get my head around it and i defo cannot forgive it. I feel terrible for not being able to support him but what does he expect when we had the most perfect life in my eyes and all the time he was doing this and I he no idea!
Ive read so many messages recently about how lots of you women have stayed with your partners and have often come out stronger.
I don't feel like that. He was a wonderful husband with a porn addiction I knew nothing about. I feel lied to and betrayed to for the last 4 years. Apparantly this all started when I had our second child as he felt lots of my time went on the children. We have been together for 20years. I have 2 children to think of and I refuse to let me and children be dragged into this sorry mess. I hate him so much and I will not let him ruin his life but at the same time I guess it is a problem that I know nothing about but I cannot get my head around it and i defo cannot forgive it. I feel terrible for not being able to support him but what does he expect when we had the most perfect life in my eyes and all the time he was doing this and I he no idea!
You don't HAVE to forgive him or accept it for move forward with him.
A lot of partners do, and that is their choice, just as this is your choice.
My ex and I divorced 7years ago but the pain has still been utterly heartbreaking. My children have hurt just as they would have if we were together and tbh the thing that hurts me most in this life is my children being hurt.
He asks for forgiveness but what he has done is unforgivable and he shouldn't ask my forgiveness in my opinion. Whether I forgive or not is my choice.
I will however, move on.
I will move on for my children, I will move on without him.
A lot of partners do, and that is their choice, just as this is your choice.
My ex and I divorced 7years ago but the pain has still been utterly heartbreaking. My children have hurt just as they would have if we were together and tbh the thing that hurts me most in this life is my children being hurt.
He asks for forgiveness but what he has done is unforgivable and he shouldn't ask my forgiveness in my opinion. Whether I forgive or not is my choice.
I will however, move on.
I will move on for my children, I will move on without him.
Hi starry
Please don't feel like you have to support/forgive/standby your husband. We don't judge here and it is your choice. I personally cannot forgive my partner, he knew what he was doing was wrong, didn't seek help and continued his behaviour until the knock.
For me it was important he rehabilitation and that he did it off his own back. He hasn't asked anyone for forgiveness either, just hopes people can see he is working on his second chance. It isn't easy being with an offender. I wish I could have walked away and have a different mindset, but I'm still with him but he knows if it gets too much for me I'm gone.
Communication is key I feel. Offenders need to be open, for some it might take a bit of time, but they also need to understand that their partners do not owe them anything ie forgiveness, support etc.
Please don't feel like you have to support/forgive/standby your husband. We don't judge here and it is your choice. I personally cannot forgive my partner, he knew what he was doing was wrong, didn't seek help and continued his behaviour until the knock.
For me it was important he rehabilitation and that he did it off his own back. He hasn't asked anyone for forgiveness either, just hopes people can see he is working on his second chance. It isn't easy being with an offender. I wish I could have walked away and have a different mindset, but I'm still with him but he knows if it gets too much for me I'm gone.
Communication is key I feel. Offenders need to be open, for some it might take a bit of time, but they also need to understand that their partners do not owe them anything ie forgiveness, support etc.
As said by these ladies, forgiveness is a choice own to the beholder. You don't have to forgive anything at all. As an added thing, forgiveness doesn't mean you have to stay either...
A lot of people choose to forgive certain things but still leave. It really is an individual choice and you're in a community where you won't be judged for anything you choose to do.
I personally have found forgiveness very , very difficult but at the same time we don't have kids and my husband still lives here, So we went back to life as normal. It almost like I've forgiven him already tbh. Or more to the point I've burried it and acted like it didnt happen until I need to deal with it. A lot of people can distance themselves from the investigation it because:
- They may have been hurt in the past by their partner so it's not as big of a shock nor pain.
- Their partners choose to rehabilitate their behaviour
- Their partners have admitted guilt and been truthful.
- They didn't find the images themselves. The knock was the first instance they have heard of such a thing. I know for me that was a big factor. I didn't catch my husband doing these things so it's almost like sometime it hasn't happened. That doesn't make it easier because sometimes I feel like I should have a worse more hurt reaction.
My husband chose to do the things he did. We're on a knife edge of splitting up because of his alcohol tendencies.So please don't think that just because a persons chooses to stay that they're automatically happier. I am trying to forgive but that also doesn't mean it comes easy and it doesn't mean I'll ever forget.
You have to do what ultimately right for you...
A lot of people choose to forgive certain things but still leave. It really is an individual choice and you're in a community where you won't be judged for anything you choose to do.
I personally have found forgiveness very , very difficult but at the same time we don't have kids and my husband still lives here, So we went back to life as normal. It almost like I've forgiven him already tbh. Or more to the point I've burried it and acted like it didnt happen until I need to deal with it. A lot of people can distance themselves from the investigation it because:
- They may have been hurt in the past by their partner so it's not as big of a shock nor pain.
- Their partners choose to rehabilitate their behaviour
- Their partners have admitted guilt and been truthful.
- They didn't find the images themselves. The knock was the first instance they have heard of such a thing. I know for me that was a big factor. I didn't catch my husband doing these things so it's almost like sometime it hasn't happened. That doesn't make it easier because sometimes I feel like I should have a worse more hurt reaction.
My husband chose to do the things he did. We're on a knife edge of splitting up because of his alcohol tendencies.So please don't think that just because a persons chooses to stay that they're automatically happier. I am trying to forgive but that also doesn't mean it comes easy and it doesn't mean I'll ever forget.
You have to do what ultimately right for you...
Hi, everyone is right it is up to you, it is your choice, I dont live with my partner, he lives 20 miles away, it has helped, he has a young son who he was seeing but after being in media he isn't, I understand his exwifes position completely, she needs to protect him, I have 2 grown up children, my daughter found after media coverage, she wants me to keep my relationship separate from her while she deals with it, my partner had stopped offending before I met him which has helped I do believe we are stronger, though forgiveness is another thing I feel, he has destroyed his life, his son his job, people knowing, luckily here noone else knows there is a constant fear of people finding out, go with what you feel, your decision is up to you noone else, it is a hell of a lot to deal with and understand, thinking of you
Thank you much ladies. This just feels like torture everyday, some days we argue some days we function. I feel like I've lost so much respect for him as a person and I just want to pick up the pieces and take my kids and move one and rebuild my life but I fee so guilty for walking away from him.
I hate what he has done and that what he knew what he was doing was wrong and just carried on, addiction or not I just don't understand it. I am so bitter and cannot move on whilst he still living here but he is here to try and keep a normal going for the children.
it's just such a mess that I am fuming about! Thank you for listening
I hate what he has done and that what he knew what he was doing was wrong and just carried on, addiction or not I just don't understand it. I am so bitter and cannot move on whilst he still living here but he is here to try and keep a normal going for the children.
it's just such a mess that I am fuming about! Thank you for listening
Starry its ok ..
I cant forgive this time 2nd time
Its to hard i gave him my trust and lost my family because of it .. and he threw it right back at me i feel so much guilt anger hurt its only been 10 weeks since the 2nd knock ive just gone into auto pilot struggling every day ive no one in my life other than him im LOST
so please dont beat yourself up xxx
I cant forgive this time 2nd time
Its to hard i gave him my trust and lost my family because of it .. and he threw it right back at me i feel so much guilt anger hurt its only been 10 weeks since the 2nd knock ive just gone into auto pilot struggling every day ive no one in my life other than him im LOST
so please dont beat yourself up xxx
Starry. Him looking at the images isn't for me to forgive. The lies that followed and the hell of a two year investigation when I isolated myself from and lied to friends and managed supervised contact is something I can never forgive. My teenagers lied to friends about not coming round to house etc.
.It would always be there at the back of my mind with me always wondering. He lied to me so convincingly for those two years when I was scrutinising his every move.
Even if I wanted to forgive the lies to me I would never be able to forgive the lies and hell he put my teenagers through. Social workers, telling school etc.
If it hadn't been for the barefaced lies it might have been different but for me he lost any chance of my support when he lied to my face when I begged him for the truth. I would never let him near my children again. What else is he lying about? I couldn't ask my children to live with everything that would go along with it.
He attempted suicide and I can't live with me and my children being scared that we might say or do something that tipped him over the edge.
Sound harsh and at first I wanted to make it all better, to help him, to get passed this. Then I realised that I couldn't fix him and he'd destroyed what we had.
Don't get me wrong it was so hard, it was like a bereavement but without the support and rituals. The hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it very nearly destroyed me. And the guilt! I thought we had a great future together and that we were so much in love.
I'll never really be over it and still have rock bottom days but I won't let him define me.
Only you can decide if you want to and are able to support him but it's not your job to. You need to put yourself and the children first. He is an adult and makes his own decisions, you are not responsible for him. Don't make any hasty decisions either way.
I hate that we feel guilt about supporting/not supporting/staying/leaving/not knowing/ lying to others. Whatever we do it seems we feel guilt when we have done nothing wrong.
.It would always be there at the back of my mind with me always wondering. He lied to me so convincingly for those two years when I was scrutinising his every move.
Even if I wanted to forgive the lies to me I would never be able to forgive the lies and hell he put my teenagers through. Social workers, telling school etc.
If it hadn't been for the barefaced lies it might have been different but for me he lost any chance of my support when he lied to my face when I begged him for the truth. I would never let him near my children again. What else is he lying about? I couldn't ask my children to live with everything that would go along with it.
He attempted suicide and I can't live with me and my children being scared that we might say or do something that tipped him over the edge.
Sound harsh and at first I wanted to make it all better, to help him, to get passed this. Then I realised that I couldn't fix him and he'd destroyed what we had.
Don't get me wrong it was so hard, it was like a bereavement but without the support and rituals. The hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it very nearly destroyed me. And the guilt! I thought we had a great future together and that we were so much in love.
I'll never really be over it and still have rock bottom days but I won't let him define me.
Only you can decide if you want to and are able to support him but it's not your job to. You need to put yourself and the children first. He is an adult and makes his own decisions, you are not responsible for him. Don't make any hasty decisions either way.
I hate that we feel guilt about supporting/not supporting/staying/leaving/not knowing/ lying to others. Whatever we do it seems we feel guilt when we have done nothing wrong.
Thank you Beccy, that makes complete sense to me. 4 years his porn addiction has been going on and I honestly didn't have a clue. He then spiralled into some rabbit hole and it got darker.
I don't get any of this because he had a good childhood, comes from a good family, we have great jobs etc......
I am like you. It's one thing the lies and deciet that has gone on behind my back for years but it's everything that has gone on since then. He tried to commit suicide so I'm very watchful of him and although we have had honest conversations I hold back a bit as I don't want to tip him over the edge. I have had to deal with social care questioning me and the kids. Lied to friends about where he was and why when he was in hospital when recovering from suicide attempt. I have tried to carry on as normal for the children's sake ans have been going out socially for their sake but it's all lies. And I wonder if any of my friends will even want to look at me and my kids again if this gets out. I hate him for all that comes with this awful crime and how my life has turned upside because of him. He knew what he was doing was wrong. I cannot forgive forget or move on with what he has done. We are still waiting for the outcome of the police checking his phone so I feel the worst is yet to come. I feel like I will end up on my own with the kids which I will manage with and feel like we are delaying the inevitable but want to keep their lives as normal as possible for as long as possible. Some days Wer ok and some days we barely speak.
thanks for listening
I don't get any of this because he had a good childhood, comes from a good family, we have great jobs etc......
I am like you. It's one thing the lies and deciet that has gone on behind my back for years but it's everything that has gone on since then. He tried to commit suicide so I'm very watchful of him and although we have had honest conversations I hold back a bit as I don't want to tip him over the edge. I have had to deal with social care questioning me and the kids. Lied to friends about where he was and why when he was in hospital when recovering from suicide attempt. I have tried to carry on as normal for the children's sake ans have been going out socially for their sake but it's all lies. And I wonder if any of my friends will even want to look at me and my kids again if this gets out. I hate him for all that comes with this awful crime and how my life has turned upside because of him. He knew what he was doing was wrong. I cannot forgive forget or move on with what he has done. We are still waiting for the outcome of the police checking his phone so I feel the worst is yet to come. I feel like I will end up on my own with the kids which I will manage with and feel like we are delaying the inevitable but want to keep their lives as normal as possible for as long as possible. Some days Wer ok and some days we barely speak.
thanks for listening
Hi I have decided to stay with my partner though it isn't easy, us living 20 miles apart helps, only my daughter found out through media coverage, media was the hardest bit, living looking over your shoulder, I find the dishonesty the worst bit, so does my daughter now she knows, he has told me the truth, he had stopped offending by I met him, everything he told me has been proved correct in charges, probation officers report stated it was a spiral from legal porn, its the lieing to other people especially my elderly parents about why he has given up his job, that he is still seeing his son etc, it is the shock I think too, its something that noone thinks they have to ever deal with, luckily our case was resolved within 10 months which from what I've read on here is quite quick, thinking of you
Starry,
Take your time to decide what to do. It's likely to take a long time. Mine was over 2 years from knock to court.
I just couldn't deal with having to spend the rest of my life telling half truths and making excuses and I hate him for putting me in that position. I've.had no contact for over a year but it still makes me.feel. dirty and used.
I only told a very few close friends and family once the evidence was back because I needed support . I felt scared to tell them I had been keeping it from them for 2 years because that makes me feel like an accomplice. They were all shocked but have been supportive.
I will get through this and you will too. You're doing amazing by even managing to go out with the kids and pretending everything is normal.
Sending hugs. X
Take your time to decide what to do. It's likely to take a long time. Mine was over 2 years from knock to court.
I just couldn't deal with having to spend the rest of my life telling half truths and making excuses and I hate him for putting me in that position. I've.had no contact for over a year but it still makes me.feel. dirty and used.
I only told a very few close friends and family once the evidence was back because I needed support . I felt scared to tell them I had been keeping it from them for 2 years because that makes me feel like an accomplice. They were all shocked but have been supportive.
I will get through this and you will too. You're doing amazing by even managing to go out with the kids and pretending everything is normal.
Sending hugs. X