Supervised Contact
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My husband was arrested and released under investigation last month (iioc). He denies it but is a long-term alcoholic with previous history of pornography and prostitute use. The police found many external hard drives in his possession as well as the usual electronic devices. The number of seized devices is very high, so it is likely to be a long time before we know if he is going to be charged and with what.
He went into rehab for alcohol straight after arrest. He will be out soon and plans to rent near to where we live. Until he is charged (and longer obviously if he is charged/found guilty) he can only have supervised contact with our 2 children (12 and 14). I intend to divorce him (related to the years of alcohol misuse and consequent effects - not violent but not a proper husband) regardless of the iioc outcome. The social worker is coming soon to meet with us both to produce a supervised contact agreement.
I am receiving different advice on what is reasonable for this. The social worker and I think that it should take place in our house and I would feel comfortable doing the supervising. However, my solicitor has indicated that whatever we agree, we would have to stick very rigidly to it - so would lose the flexibility for the children to go elsewhere if they were invited to a party or sports event for example, or I needed to cover additional hours at work, or needed to visit my family who are several hours away. As I now am a single parent and working full time, there is all the pressure of getting the shopping, housework, gardening and taking the children to various activities, and if I have various sessions of supervised contact that are immovable each week, it is a lot to fit in! I now pay for childcare in my home after school until I get in from work, so most convenient for me would be for that person to supervise at least one session of contact during that period without me there, but I don't know if the childcare person (a friend) would, or if it would be too awkward and / or tying for her. I certainly couldn't mandate that she provide this rigidly on an indefinite basis as part of an inflexible arrangement. My solicitor does not like the idea - says I should be there too. But I am already struggling to find all of the childcare that I need to be able to work without having to use favours and people's time to supervise contact at other times too.
I am happy to supervise a weekend afternoon/evening once a week. Is that enough? My husband's parents are unhappy with any sort of restriction on contact, but I think are missing the point that the restriction exists already and my problem is with providing the supervision, not the children! They offer help "whenever you need it" but also live some hours away and go away on holidays and have other committments so cannot / do not offer to supervise themselves on a weekly basis. His father is also convinced of his innocence and could probably be manipulated into not supervising closely.
Can I do a regular weekend contact a week and then offer additional in the week on an ad hoc basis - eg when his parents or a friend are free to visit and supervise or when I can fit it in, without being committed to that weekday visit every week? Or does it have to be every week or not at all?
The children like my husband but know about the investigation and alcohol. Prior to the arrest they had no idea but because the alcohol meant he was often unconscious or ill, and he had stopped accompanying us on trips, social events and holidays, they don't have high expectations of his contact in their lives. They do not challenge the situation regarding him not living with us again and currently seem settled in our new situation.
He went into rehab for alcohol straight after arrest. He will be out soon and plans to rent near to where we live. Until he is charged (and longer obviously if he is charged/found guilty) he can only have supervised contact with our 2 children (12 and 14). I intend to divorce him (related to the years of alcohol misuse and consequent effects - not violent but not a proper husband) regardless of the iioc outcome. The social worker is coming soon to meet with us both to produce a supervised contact agreement.
I am receiving different advice on what is reasonable for this. The social worker and I think that it should take place in our house and I would feel comfortable doing the supervising. However, my solicitor has indicated that whatever we agree, we would have to stick very rigidly to it - so would lose the flexibility for the children to go elsewhere if they were invited to a party or sports event for example, or I needed to cover additional hours at work, or needed to visit my family who are several hours away. As I now am a single parent and working full time, there is all the pressure of getting the shopping, housework, gardening and taking the children to various activities, and if I have various sessions of supervised contact that are immovable each week, it is a lot to fit in! I now pay for childcare in my home after school until I get in from work, so most convenient for me would be for that person to supervise at least one session of contact during that period without me there, but I don't know if the childcare person (a friend) would, or if it would be too awkward and / or tying for her. I certainly couldn't mandate that she provide this rigidly on an indefinite basis as part of an inflexible arrangement. My solicitor does not like the idea - says I should be there too. But I am already struggling to find all of the childcare that I need to be able to work without having to use favours and people's time to supervise contact at other times too.
I am happy to supervise a weekend afternoon/evening once a week. Is that enough? My husband's parents are unhappy with any sort of restriction on contact, but I think are missing the point that the restriction exists already and my problem is with providing the supervision, not the children! They offer help "whenever you need it" but also live some hours away and go away on holidays and have other committments so cannot / do not offer to supervise themselves on a weekly basis. His father is also convinced of his innocence and could probably be manipulated into not supervising closely.
Can I do a regular weekend contact a week and then offer additional in the week on an ad hoc basis - eg when his parents or a friend are free to visit and supervise or when I can fit it in, without being committed to that weekday visit every week? Or does it have to be every week or not at all?
The children like my husband but know about the investigation and alcohol. Prior to the arrest they had no idea but because the alcohol meant he was often unconscious or ill, and he had stopped accompanying us on trips, social events and holidays, they don't have high expectations of his contact in their lives. They do not challenge the situation regarding him not living with us again and currently seem settled in our new situation.
Hi Jane,
I am not in your situation yet but likely to be soon. My husband is rui of iioc and has a porn addiction I knew nothing about til 6 months when we got the knock. He is having therapy for this. I don't think I can stay with him so like you am in the situation of becoming a single parent overnight and having to juggle childcare and housework and my kids have activities outside school most evenings and weekends. If/when he is convicted it's likely ss will be back involved and I'm guessing supervised contact with be the option. I actually don't know tho. I literally don't know how I will manage this along with taking the kids to where they need to be and keeping a house and working. I am happy to do it but as and when I can and I refuse to stop the children's activities as I don't think it is fair. My parents aren't alive and neither is my mother in law and I would question my father in laws suitability to supervise. I am literally the only one that can do it and it feels incredibly overwhelming. My kids are 4 and 9 and idolise their dad. Like you I am happy to do the supervising but we are only human and I can only do it as and when me and the kids are free. Does that sound awful??
it would be good to het other people thoughts on it.
thanks for reading
x
I am not in your situation yet but likely to be soon. My husband is rui of iioc and has a porn addiction I knew nothing about til 6 months when we got the knock. He is having therapy for this. I don't think I can stay with him so like you am in the situation of becoming a single parent overnight and having to juggle childcare and housework and my kids have activities outside school most evenings and weekends. If/when he is convicted it's likely ss will be back involved and I'm guessing supervised contact with be the option. I actually don't know tho. I literally don't know how I will manage this along with taking the kids to where they need to be and keeping a house and working. I am happy to do it but as and when I can and I refuse to stop the children's activities as I don't think it is fair. My parents aren't alive and neither is my mother in law and I would question my father in laws suitability to supervise. I am literally the only one that can do it and it feels incredibly overwhelming. My kids are 4 and 9 and idolise their dad. Like you I am happy to do the supervising but we are only human and I can only do it as and when me and the kids are free. Does that sound awful??
it would be good to het other people thoughts on it.
thanks for reading
x
My husband is RUI and we are at around 9 months now. He lives with his sister. I supervise contact as have no one else to do it. Usually we have 1 family day when we do something all together. He comes to the house and takes us all out. He also comes over one evening a week to the house, which is something he asked to do and I didnt have the heart to say no. The children make the decision as to when to see him, they do not want it to be more frequent. I never ask them to miss out on their things and arrange sleepovers etc. as if we were 'normal'. I work and they are both school age so there are not that many hours free, we just fit it in when we can. It feels like a chore after so long and I have to put on a fake smile all the time which is why I am happy it is only twice a week. You do what you can when you can. There is no right or wrong in this it is all one day at a time. Good luck with it all.
Hi Jane,
Its all so stressful isn't it. We have so much to juggle in our normal lives with kids and work and then this being thrown into the mix.
To be honest I agree with your solicitor in terms of your childcare/friend not supervising, it really should be done by you. Children's services see these men as a huge risk to children so from what I've learnt myself and seen on here I'd highly doubt your SW would be impressed with your friend doing it, similar with your extended family. Children's services like to vet the people who are supervising to make sure they believe they are protective but having said that every SW is different so if you feel it really would be too difficult to supervise then mention it to the SW but make sure the inconvenience of supervising doesn't look more important than who is supervising.... Does that make sense, that you reassure the SW that these people know his history of alcohol and prostitute use and that you've explained exactly how to supervise and that these people completely agree that the children would be put at risk if they couldn't see and hear their interaction. I'm just preempting the way children's services could think btw I understand that for most of us we don't see a real risk to our children.
With how often contact is, you could ask the children how often they want to see him as they are old enough to have an idea of this but at the same time you're going through this hell so it needs to be manageable and not have a negative impact on you mentally and emotionally. When talking to the SW about contact you could say that X is how often you plan contact but that everything is so fresh you haven't had the head space to consider the impact of X amount of contact so you'd like to review it with your SW in 6 weeks? Or don't mention yourself that contact will happen on this day and that day just say around your work and home commitments you will be supervising contact around roughly 2 times a weeks. I made the mistake of putting in a restriction of 2 times a week even though the SW hasn't and then I had to go back on myself. Then what ever is decided make sure it is followed up with an email. SW don't tend to like putting things in writring so if the SW doesn't then send an email yourself just saying can I confirm X.
I hope that all makes sense and you can see I'm trying to be give you advice from what I've learnt although with all this advice about children and contact can be upsetting.
xx
Its all so stressful isn't it. We have so much to juggle in our normal lives with kids and work and then this being thrown into the mix.
To be honest I agree with your solicitor in terms of your childcare/friend not supervising, it really should be done by you. Children's services see these men as a huge risk to children so from what I've learnt myself and seen on here I'd highly doubt your SW would be impressed with your friend doing it, similar with your extended family. Children's services like to vet the people who are supervising to make sure they believe they are protective but having said that every SW is different so if you feel it really would be too difficult to supervise then mention it to the SW but make sure the inconvenience of supervising doesn't look more important than who is supervising.... Does that make sense, that you reassure the SW that these people know his history of alcohol and prostitute use and that you've explained exactly how to supervise and that these people completely agree that the children would be put at risk if they couldn't see and hear their interaction. I'm just preempting the way children's services could think btw I understand that for most of us we don't see a real risk to our children.
With how often contact is, you could ask the children how often they want to see him as they are old enough to have an idea of this but at the same time you're going through this hell so it needs to be manageable and not have a negative impact on you mentally and emotionally. When talking to the SW about contact you could say that X is how often you plan contact but that everything is so fresh you haven't had the head space to consider the impact of X amount of contact so you'd like to review it with your SW in 6 weeks? Or don't mention yourself that contact will happen on this day and that day just say around your work and home commitments you will be supervising contact around roughly 2 times a weeks. I made the mistake of putting in a restriction of 2 times a week even though the SW hasn't and then I had to go back on myself. Then what ever is decided make sure it is followed up with an email. SW don't tend to like putting things in writring so if the SW doesn't then send an email yourself just saying can I confirm X.
I hope that all makes sense and you can see I'm trying to be give you advice from what I've learnt although with all this advice about children and contact can be upsetting.
xx
My ex husband is only allowed to see our daughter once a week and at the beginning SS said I can supervise, which I think is disgusting, I'm one of his victims of his crime, I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of what he has done and I have to have him in my house, I can't even look at him it makes me feel sick. I think SS should have sorted out a contact center instead of making the victims have to supervise. His mother will do it maybe once every 6 weeks and is Dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so obviously he can't do it. I don't want to do this for another 7 years until my daughters 18!! How can I move on if I have to still see him!
Hi cher
Have you requested SW impose supervised contact at a centre? Was it even an option they mentioned? as you are uncomfortable with being around him I don't think SS are being fair making you the supervisor. My partner is going through the courts to agree visitation at a centre using the centre's own pre approved and trained staff, because his ex doesn't want to be supervising and she doesn't trust anyone to supervise. He will need to pay for it which he will ofc do if court agree.
If your ex agrees surely it is no hassle to SS since he will be paying for the service. If he disagrees tho I suspect family courts may need to be involved.
Have you requested SW impose supervised contact at a centre? Was it even an option they mentioned? as you are uncomfortable with being around him I don't think SS are being fair making you the supervisor. My partner is going through the courts to agree visitation at a centre using the centre's own pre approved and trained staff, because his ex doesn't want to be supervising and she doesn't trust anyone to supervise. He will need to pay for it which he will ofc do if court agree.
If your ex agrees surely it is no hassle to SS since he will be paying for the service. If he disagrees tho I suspect family courts may need to be involved.
Hi Majestictopaz, Myself and his parents have said we would prefer it to be at a contact center but he refuses, because my daughter wants to see him he knows I will have to do it because I don't want to upset her, he's always been manipulate.
Hi Cher,
Aww it's terrible ss are not helping you resolve this. You're important in this too!!!! I don't know what your relationship is like with your sw but could you ask the SW to contact him and say they no longer approve of you supervising so he'll be left with no choice as this isn't beneficial to the children either as although as mums we are good at pretending we're fine children do pick up on these emotions(ss should be thinking about this and you) or could you call his bluff with a contact centre and see what happens if he sees you actioning it. xxx
Aww it's terrible ss are not helping you resolve this. You're important in this too!!!! I don't know what your relationship is like with your sw but could you ask the SW to contact him and say they no longer approve of you supervising so he'll be left with no choice as this isn't beneficial to the children either as although as mums we are good at pretending we're fine children do pick up on these emotions(ss should be thinking about this and you) or could you call his bluff with a contact centre and see what happens if he sees you actioning it. xxx