Angry, confused and every emotion possible
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Hi all
where do I start with my emotions being all over the place.
Tuesday morning at 5.30am there was a knock at the door. My husband went and answered the door. Next thing I have 2 police officers standing by my bedroom door with no idea what's going on. A total of 5 police officers where here but no one was telling me anything for a good 30 mins.
when they finally did I was told that he was being arrested u see investigation for sexual conversations with a minor. This includes sending pictures.
this has been the worst 3/4 days of my life.
Mira hard being the wife of someone arrested like this, no charges have been made and he is out on bail with 1 condition. but that's all they could tell me as he is an adult.
the situation is that he had been talking to/ got details of this person via porn hub on a role play chat room or whatever they call it. They had been talking via kik. The idiot didn't ask her age or anything assuming she was 18. I did ask if the person he was talking to sent him a picture, a non sexual face picture and he said yeah but she didn't her real age. There is always that question did she send a real picture of a catfish one but aside from what he has been arrested/under investigation for he was in many of my families eyes cheating on me by talking to anyone else like this when he is married to me. It's something I know he does, talking to people online but he honestly never would seek out a minor for these types of conversations. Our relationship ship hasn't always been easy - he has cheated twice in the past but we got through it.
Family that know want me to make the impossible decisions now but my head isn't in the right place. My work is also being impacted and I feel like I'm guilty. I work in childcare and totally and fully understand why things are being out in place but it doesn't stop you feeling like your are being punished for a mistake your partner has made.
im sorry this is such a long post. I'm hoping being here and speaking to others who has been in similar situations as what I am now going through will help.
where do I start with my emotions being all over the place.
Tuesday morning at 5.30am there was a knock at the door. My husband went and answered the door. Next thing I have 2 police officers standing by my bedroom door with no idea what's going on. A total of 5 police officers where here but no one was telling me anything for a good 30 mins.
when they finally did I was told that he was being arrested u see investigation for sexual conversations with a minor. This includes sending pictures.
this has been the worst 3/4 days of my life.
Mira hard being the wife of someone arrested like this, no charges have been made and he is out on bail with 1 condition. but that's all they could tell me as he is an adult.
the situation is that he had been talking to/ got details of this person via porn hub on a role play chat room or whatever they call it. They had been talking via kik. The idiot didn't ask her age or anything assuming she was 18. I did ask if the person he was talking to sent him a picture, a non sexual face picture and he said yeah but she didn't her real age. There is always that question did she send a real picture of a catfish one but aside from what he has been arrested/under investigation for he was in many of my families eyes cheating on me by talking to anyone else like this when he is married to me. It's something I know he does, talking to people online but he honestly never would seek out a minor for these types of conversations. Our relationship ship hasn't always been easy - he has cheated twice in the past but we got through it.
Family that know want me to make the impossible decisions now but my head isn't in the right place. My work is also being impacted and I feel like I'm guilty. I work in childcare and totally and fully understand why things are being out in place but it doesn't stop you feeling like your are being punished for a mistake your partner has made.
im sorry this is such a long post. I'm hoping being here and speaking to others who has been in similar situations as what I am now going through will help.
Hi Stacey
Sorry to have you here in the club no one wants to be in. It will be a rocky road from here in afraid, but best not to make any big decisions while you process this horrid news. This forum has been a life line for me and many others, there is the hotline too.
The process can be a long while, they won't charge yet because they need to confirm if there is any other evidence of previous illegal activity. My partner also was caught out from a chat room (he would pretend to be a pre teen to get attention from who ever).
Hopefully your partner will be honest (it might take some time but he should not leave you in the dark for long). He needs to reflect on his behaviour (his relationship with porn and talk to people online). Maybe he was just careless and wasn't/hasn't sought out iioc, but without the due care in their viewing and engaging of sex online this opens up the risk to vulnerable children being expoilted.
I recommend he reaches out to the Lucy faithful helpline asap, he should go through the stop it now modules and be open to therapy or the inform course. Chatting to people online can be addictive (I have got addicted to it in the past) , and his cheating behaviour may not have fully addressed.
This is the time for him to get help and rehabilitate, because (I'm sorry to say) a conclusion to the investigation maybe be over a year + and without reaching out he won't get support to correct his behaviour that got him in this mess in the first place.
Big hugs
Sorry to have you here in the club no one wants to be in. It will be a rocky road from here in afraid, but best not to make any big decisions while you process this horrid news. This forum has been a life line for me and many others, there is the hotline too.
The process can be a long while, they won't charge yet because they need to confirm if there is any other evidence of previous illegal activity. My partner also was caught out from a chat room (he would pretend to be a pre teen to get attention from who ever).
Hopefully your partner will be honest (it might take some time but he should not leave you in the dark for long). He needs to reflect on his behaviour (his relationship with porn and talk to people online). Maybe he was just careless and wasn't/hasn't sought out iioc, but without the due care in their viewing and engaging of sex online this opens up the risk to vulnerable children being expoilted.
I recommend he reaches out to the Lucy faithful helpline asap, he should go through the stop it now modules and be open to therapy or the inform course. Chatting to people online can be addictive (I have got addicted to it in the past) , and his cheating behaviour may not have fully addressed.
This is the time for him to get help and rehabilitate, because (I'm sorry to say) a conclusion to the investigation maybe be over a year + and without reaching out he won't get support to correct his behaviour that got him in this mess in the first place.
Big hugs
Hiya.
Id firstly like to say I'm so glad u found this forum so quickly. I had no help and support whatsoever from the police or SS for 13months whilst my ex husbands investigation and trial went on.
I had a nervous breakdown in May this year and then finally whilst off work I managed to find here and some specialist counselling and it's been a game changer.
The knock came in 2020 for my ex, the father of my children.
Very similar situation to yours.
He was talking to a minor on Kik. However, he knew the child was 13, what he didn't know was it was a police decoy.
12months later he was sentenced to 2years in prison, 10 years on licence and 10years SHPO.
He has hurt everyone so much. He has altered the way he can live his own life for the next 10years in every way and he has damaged my children's lives too .
it'll go on for decades. For example when my son marries and has children his wife has a right to know her father n law committed this crime etc so she can make an informed decision before leaving her children with him to babysit.
It never really goes away.
It's all your decision on your relationship but you must go into it with your eyes open. if found guilty it'll change your career, your relationship with family members with children, family events.
I often feel us family members are punished more than the offender
Id firstly like to say I'm so glad u found this forum so quickly. I had no help and support whatsoever from the police or SS for 13months whilst my ex husbands investigation and trial went on.
I had a nervous breakdown in May this year and then finally whilst off work I managed to find here and some specialist counselling and it's been a game changer.
The knock came in 2020 for my ex, the father of my children.
Very similar situation to yours.
He was talking to a minor on Kik. However, he knew the child was 13, what he didn't know was it was a police decoy.
12months later he was sentenced to 2years in prison, 10 years on licence and 10years SHPO.
He has hurt everyone so much. He has altered the way he can live his own life for the next 10years in every way and he has damaged my children's lives too .
it'll go on for decades. For example when my son marries and has children his wife has a right to know her father n law committed this crime etc so she can make an informed decision before leaving her children with him to babysit.
It never really goes away.
It's all your decision on your relationship but you must go into it with your eyes open. if found guilty it'll change your career, your relationship with family members with children, family events.
I often feel us family members are punished more than the offender
majestictopaz
Thank you or responding.
i called the hotline today and that is how I was directed to the forums. It took me a while to write my post, reading it now I should have gone over the spelling mistakes are terrible.
can I ask what is iioc. I most probably know what it is but all the references I'm reading is confusing me as I'm not sure what they all are.
He has been honest with me thankfully and I do keep asking the same questions. Mainly to see if the responses are the same.
I will direct him to the modules and he has spoken about finding a group or something to deal with his need of talking to others. I have asked why he does it but he doesn't know why.
Thank you or responding.
i called the hotline today and that is how I was directed to the forums. It took me a while to write my post, reading it now I should have gone over the spelling mistakes are terrible.
can I ask what is iioc. I most probably know what it is but all the references I'm reading is confusing me as I'm not sure what they all are.
He has been honest with me thankfully and I do keep asking the same questions. Mainly to see if the responses are the same.
I will direct him to the modules and he has spoken about finding a group or something to deal with his need of talking to others. I have asked why he does it but he doesn't know why.
JillyManilly
thank you to you also for responding to my post.
Reading many posts on here already I believe I have been quite lucky and was given the leaflet with the helpline number right away it was just me finding the courage to pick up the phone and make the call. I think sometimes is families get overlooked and it isn't fair.
I agree with you it sure does feel like we get punished more. I am definitely feeling like that at the moment with all the things that have to be out in place just for me to go to work. I know it's to protect me and the children/families I work with but when you are told that it isn't anything to do with you it hurts. Even worse is the worst case information you get given as to of he is convicted a waiver has to be applied for and if unsuccessful would mean that the 22 year career I have built would end for something I haven't done.
I have been told this shouldn't be case after talking to both the police and helpline about it but it doesn't help the worry.
I so wished it was a bad dream and I know I have to make a decision soon on what I want to do. Do we separate for a while, do we just end 19 years. I want to support him but I do have to make sure I'm ok first.
thank you to you also for responding to my post.
Reading many posts on here already I believe I have been quite lucky and was given the leaflet with the helpline number right away it was just me finding the courage to pick up the phone and make the call. I think sometimes is families get overlooked and it isn't fair.
I agree with you it sure does feel like we get punished more. I am definitely feeling like that at the moment with all the things that have to be out in place just for me to go to work. I know it's to protect me and the children/families I work with but when you are told that it isn't anything to do with you it hurts. Even worse is the worst case information you get given as to of he is convicted a waiver has to be applied for and if unsuccessful would mean that the 22 year career I have built would end for something I haven't done.
I have been told this shouldn't be case after talking to both the police and helpline about it but it doesn't help the worry.
I so wished it was a bad dream and I know I have to make a decision soon on what I want to do. Do we separate for a while, do we just end 19 years. I want to support him but I do have to make sure I'm ok first.
Hi Stacey, I a. So sorry you have found your way to this site, somewhere no-one what's to be.
My husband (of 28 years) has led me to here. We are 5 months in, he was question and released under Investigatiin for 2 seperate chats, whit 2 girls (14 & 12) over 2 month period. Our knock came in early March and the file has just gone to CPS, we are now waiting on the postman delivering our fate.
I am staying with my husband at the moment as he is engaging in all the courses he can to help himself and recognise the triggers, maybe your partner can look into the same?
Always here if you want to talk xx.
My husband (of 28 years) has led me to here. We are 5 months in, he was question and released under Investigatiin for 2 seperate chats, whit 2 girls (14 & 12) over 2 month period. Our knock came in early March and the file has just gone to CPS, we are now waiting on the postman delivering our fate.
I am staying with my husband at the moment as he is engaging in all the courses he can to help himself and recognise the triggers, maybe your partner can look into the same?
Always here if you want to talk xx.
Iioc stands for indecent images of children.
It was a while ago that my partner did the inform course Lucy faithful but he thinks chat rooms were featured. There is a family and friends course available too which many here recommend
It was a while ago that my partner did the inform course Lucy faithful but he thinks chat rooms were featured. There is a family and friends course available too which many here recommend
I just want to say thank you to those of you who I've reached out to me.
I am going through so many different emotions right now.
Trying to get my head around things is hard. I so want to go back to normal and for us to be normal but I just carnt do it at the moment. I feel guilty that he is sleeping on the sofa and I'm in the bed but I think if we go back to that side of normal it's like we are pretending that nothing has happened.
I am going through so many different emotions right now.
Trying to get my head around things is hard. I so want to go back to normal and for us to be normal but I just carnt do it at the moment. I feel guilty that he is sleeping on the sofa and I'm in the bed but I think if we go back to that side of normal it's like we are pretending that nothing has happened.