My father
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Hello all. It's my first time posting. My dad had the knock in March. My parents came round the next day and told me it had happened but my dad very much phrased it as a mistake and someone had been using his IP address. I then researched it for a few days and came to the conclusion this was not possible, so I asked him to come to my house on his own to talk. I told him my findings. He said to me that during lockdown he had been really bored and had entertained himself by going on torrents to look at the worst the internet had to offer. He said sometimes he landed on child porn without meaning to, but he always deleted it straight away. He thought he'd be safe as he used a VPN.
He assured me he wasn't a paedophile, but he had viewed the videos a few times.
It's been 5 months or so now and we've heard nothing back from the police yet.
My main struggle though is what to believe.
I can't seem to find any posts from daughters, only from partners. My dad hasn't told my mum what he told me so as far as she knows it is all a mistake.
We are still socialising as a family but I'm finding it harder and harder.
My dad was my hero and we've always had a close relationship. Am I being incredibly naive to believe him? The logic in me says it must be more than this but I just can't believe it if him.
I know if I confront him again he will say the same thing, he is very much a 'deny it until you're caught' person. I just don't know what to think anymore but I am really struggling and any advice is welcome.
Thank you in advance.
He assured me he wasn't a paedophile, but he had viewed the videos a few times.
It's been 5 months or so now and we've heard nothing back from the police yet.
My main struggle though is what to believe.
I can't seem to find any posts from daughters, only from partners. My dad hasn't told my mum what he told me so as far as she knows it is all a mistake.
We are still socialising as a family but I'm finding it harder and harder.
My dad was my hero and we've always had a close relationship. Am I being incredibly naive to believe him? The logic in me says it must be more than this but I just can't believe it if him.
I know if I confront him again he will say the same thing, he is very much a 'deny it until you're caught' person. I just don't know what to think anymore but I am really struggling and any advice is welcome.
Thank you in advance.
Megan
I'm really sorry you have ended up in this situation. It is a lot to deal with and there are many people on here who can both sympathise and empathise. There have been some posts by daughters, also by mums, as well as partners and occasionally friends. You are not alone. Feelings of confusion, fear, anger, sadness etc are normal. Feeling okay sometimes and then not okay is normal too.
The only person who knows what has happened is your father. You can agonise over it for a long time and not be any closer to the truth. The only thing I can advise is to figure out what you need to be okay today and then try and do that each day until more light is shed on the situation.
Call the helpline for a chat if you can. It might help. Post on here when you want as people will respond. It's a good thing that you've reached out on here.
Wishing you all the best x
I'm really sorry you have ended up in this situation. It is a lot to deal with and there are many people on here who can both sympathise and empathise. There have been some posts by daughters, also by mums, as well as partners and occasionally friends. You are not alone. Feelings of confusion, fear, anger, sadness etc are normal. Feeling okay sometimes and then not okay is normal too.
The only person who knows what has happened is your father. You can agonise over it for a long time and not be any closer to the truth. The only thing I can advise is to figure out what you need to be okay today and then try and do that each day until more light is shed on the situation.
Call the helpline for a chat if you can. It might help. Post on here when you want as people will respond. It's a good thing that you've reached out on here.
Wishing you all the best x
Hello Megan
I'm very sorry you and your family are in this situation, my father was arrested at his work place 2years ago for having a conversation with a minor (police decoy) they then went to my mother's work place and told her what had happened the police took mummy home and that's when she rang the rest of the family, it was a big shock the words actually echoed around my head when she told me, never in my whole world would I ever think my daddy would be capable of this, they took all electronic devices to see if they would find anything! My father assured us they would find nothing on his computer, and thank god it turned out to be right nothing was found just that conversation he was arrested for and he really did think it was someone being silly and saying they where under age, I hope you are coping ok xx
I'm very sorry you and your family are in this situation, my father was arrested at his work place 2years ago for having a conversation with a minor (police decoy) they then went to my mother's work place and told her what had happened the police took mummy home and that's when she rang the rest of the family, it was a big shock the words actually echoed around my head when she told me, never in my whole world would I ever think my daddy would be capable of this, they took all electronic devices to see if they would find anything! My father assured us they would find nothing on his computer, and thank god it turned out to be right nothing was found just that conversation he was arrested for and he really did think it was someone being silly and saying they where under age, I hope you are coping ok xx
As already said above only he would know the truth, but from your description of the convo you have had with your dad it does seem quite worrying- at least my perception.
I say this because he has admitted to seeking taboo/legal images but that he has viewed some with children a few times but then told you he deleted then straight away....to me that is a contradiction.
Also what he has described is that he has offended- deleting such images is seen as covering up and there will be evidence of deleted files- unless he is very tech savvy.
He should at least address his behaviour that led him to torrent for dodegy material. It is how alot of people get caught up in the rabbit hole of iioc. There have been people who never sought such images but we're careless in their data sharing and torrents that have got them into deep trouble.
I would also consider contacting the helpline. It may be a another couple of months for all the evidence (if any) is found and presented. I would also consider speaking again to your dad about the fact that just deleting iioc isn't addressing the issue and can still land him in trouble. Suggest he seek help, because I worry about the impact this may have on your mum of she still believes it was all a mistake/someone else involved.
It is up to you but perhaps your mum should know what your dad has said to you, honesty is key here and essentially his actions (whether it be innocent/legal or not) has got you all in this mess. He triggered the police's interest and admits he has seen iioc- that isn't the same as someone hacking into IP address, and the police are very thorough.
Big hugs
I say this because he has admitted to seeking taboo/legal images but that he has viewed some with children a few times but then told you he deleted then straight away....to me that is a contradiction.
Also what he has described is that he has offended- deleting such images is seen as covering up and there will be evidence of deleted files- unless he is very tech savvy.
He should at least address his behaviour that led him to torrent for dodegy material. It is how alot of people get caught up in the rabbit hole of iioc. There have been people who never sought such images but we're careless in their data sharing and torrents that have got them into deep trouble.
I would also consider contacting the helpline. It may be a another couple of months for all the evidence (if any) is found and presented. I would also consider speaking again to your dad about the fact that just deleting iioc isn't addressing the issue and can still land him in trouble. Suggest he seek help, because I worry about the impact this may have on your mum of she still believes it was all a mistake/someone else involved.
It is up to you but perhaps your mum should know what your dad has said to you, honesty is key here and essentially his actions (whether it be innocent/legal or not) has got you all in this mess. He triggered the police's interest and admits he has seen iioc- that isn't the same as someone hacking into IP address, and the police are very thorough.
Big hugs
Hi Megan, my dad had the knock a few years ago now. It really has flown! my dad like yours was and still is my hero, my dad had quite a big breakdown after his knock, ended up in prison on remand due to his mental health and his own safety. he wrote a letter to us from prison and it was clear it was a mental health issue.
It may well be the same for your dad, a lot of the time it is, me and my dad have had many conversations about things that no dad and daughter should have to talk about, but I've needed them! A way that I'm trying to help my dad come to terms with it is through him getting counselling as sometimes there is still a lot of denial, but I'm telling him to get counselling so that hopefully in the future he can have more access to his grand daughter! It's also such a lot to process what happened, and that he needs it for the shock of it all! It may be that your dad needs to open up to someone else before he can truly face what's happened, it may be that he is telling the truth but also there may be more going on in his mind then what he's ready to admit and a therapist will help him come to terms with this and help him with coping mechanisms. xx
It may well be the same for your dad, a lot of the time it is, me and my dad have had many conversations about things that no dad and daughter should have to talk about, but I've needed them! A way that I'm trying to help my dad come to terms with it is through him getting counselling as sometimes there is still a lot of denial, but I'm telling him to get counselling so that hopefully in the future he can have more access to his grand daughter! It's also such a lot to process what happened, and that he needs it for the shock of it all! It may be that your dad needs to open up to someone else before he can truly face what's happened, it may be that he is telling the truth but also there may be more going on in his mind then what he's ready to admit and a therapist will help him come to terms with this and help him with coping mechanisms. xx
Thank you so much to everyone for your replies. All so useful and supportive.
I want to tell my mum but I know it would cause a lot of upset, it seems she wants to bury her head in the sand and maybe I should allow that. Who knows, it's so complicated.
It's been so long now since me and dad had that initial conversation that I don't know how to bring it up again and my parents are always together so it makes alone time with my dad impossible.
I guess it's a waiting game now. When the police come back to him we'll be forced to confront it and then I hope there will be more honesty.
I want to tell my mum but I know it would cause a lot of upset, it seems she wants to bury her head in the sand and maybe I should allow that. Who knows, it's so complicated.
It's been so long now since me and dad had that initial conversation that I don't know how to bring it up again and my parents are always together so it makes alone time with my dad impossible.
I guess it's a waiting game now. When the police come back to him we'll be forced to confront it and then I hope there will be more honesty.