Second time around
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We had the knock at 6am on Wedensday morning followed by a full search of our home by 6 police officers. They only took his phone and some memory sticks. They didn't take our laptops or anything of mine.
This is the second time it's happened and it feels much worse this time.
The first time was 8 years ago, the investigation took 4 months and my husband received a caution and was put on the SOR for a year. Like this time, he was caught because he used chatrooms, in which sexual images of children were shared (a few of which he saved), and there was a conversation with a 15 year old girl who he arranged to meet but didn't. He lost his job and some friends as a result but most people supported him. He and I received support from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, he went to SAA and later to therapy (as did I), and over the years we rebuilt our relationship, he rebuilt his career and I learnt to trust him again.
But I now know that his sexual offending never really went away, or not for long. He has admitted to using chat apps on and off for the past 5 or 6 years. Sometimes the conversations were inane, sometimes they were sexual and sometimes they talked about sex with children and images are posted. He assures me that he has not possessed or shared images since his previous arrest.
I know I will find the strength to end our relationship but right now I'm trying to understand what the potential consequences could be if he is charged and found guilty. Especially as this is his second offence.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
J x
This is the second time it's happened and it feels much worse this time.
The first time was 8 years ago, the investigation took 4 months and my husband received a caution and was put on the SOR for a year. Like this time, he was caught because he used chatrooms, in which sexual images of children were shared (a few of which he saved), and there was a conversation with a 15 year old girl who he arranged to meet but didn't. He lost his job and some friends as a result but most people supported him. He and I received support from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, he went to SAA and later to therapy (as did I), and over the years we rebuilt our relationship, he rebuilt his career and I learnt to trust him again.
But I now know that his sexual offending never really went away, or not for long. He has admitted to using chat apps on and off for the past 5 or 6 years. Sometimes the conversations were inane, sometimes they were sexual and sometimes they talked about sex with children and images are posted. He assures me that he has not possessed or shared images since his previous arrest.
I know I will find the strength to end our relationship but right now I'm trying to understand what the potential consequences could be if he is charged and found guilty. Especially as this is his second offence.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
J x
Hi,
just wanted to send you some love and support.
what happened on Wednesday will have been another huge shock. I think addiction is like that it’s secretive. There is no way you could have known he relapsed.
Please be kind to yourself, the very fact you supported him through his initial recovery will because you are kind and caring. A person who doesn’t judge and is there for him. You sound truly lovely. I am gutted this happens to anyone of us. And to happen twice must be very painful.
if he was addicted to alcohol it wouldn’t be shameful in society to relapse. I don’t know the nature of the triggers or the reasons but I get that you are a victim in this and after dedication and supporting him through the first knock it really must be hard.
all of us are women who loved ( or still love) men who found themselves in this situation. You are not alone in thinking the best of people.
i don’t know about your future, you probably are still in shock but please come back to us to check in, it’s a lot to process it’s only been two days. I hope you have a little support in your day to day life. We are all here for you.
no judgment only support. The women (and men)on here have given me so much strength I know as a community we feel safe knowing we are not alone.
just wanted to send you some love and support.
what happened on Wednesday will have been another huge shock. I think addiction is like that it’s secretive. There is no way you could have known he relapsed.
Please be kind to yourself, the very fact you supported him through his initial recovery will because you are kind and caring. A person who doesn’t judge and is there for him. You sound truly lovely. I am gutted this happens to anyone of us. And to happen twice must be very painful.
if he was addicted to alcohol it wouldn’t be shameful in society to relapse. I don’t know the nature of the triggers or the reasons but I get that you are a victim in this and after dedication and supporting him through the first knock it really must be hard.
all of us are women who loved ( or still love) men who found themselves in this situation. You are not alone in thinking the best of people.
i don’t know about your future, you probably are still in shock but please come back to us to check in, it’s a lot to process it’s only been two days. I hope you have a little support in your day to day life. We are all here for you.
no judgment only support. The women (and men)on here have given me so much strength I know as a community we feel safe knowing we are not alone.
It has happened to people twice, think there is a thread unfortunately named ‘ stupid ‘ on discussion section just scroll through you will see the lady experiences a knock twice, in her case I think it was two different relationships. You will see she got support from everyone on here. You also asked about the legal process there is support on here two but my advice would be you need to focus on being kind to yourself first and making this your priority. Self care is important for us all emotionally you need people to support you before you can give to him.
Too not two!
Thank you both for replying. I'll take a look at the thread you mentioned Bethlou23.
A support forum like this wasn't available the last time and I'm so glad it is. I've only told my sisters-in-law about what's happened as I don't want too many people knowing until I know more. They've been really supportive.
Thanks again. x
A support forum like this wasn't available the last time and I'm so glad it is. I've only told my sisters-in-law about what's happened as I don't want too many people knowing until I know more. They've been really supportive.
Thanks again. x
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Hi Josephine,
It has happened to me twice but with two different partners. The first being my ex-husband of 23 years. In 2014 the police caught up with him, end of 2015 he was sentenced. I moved on and found a new partner , we moved in together & beginning of December 2018 we had the knock or rather he did. I couldn't believe it nor I don't think the officers.(that it happened twice) I told him & the officers they could keep him. I left him a note to say I wanted him & his stuff gone. I went to a friend who helped me through it the last time. This time I felt totally betrayed by him. I went to a very dark place, again with very good friends I got through it & started to see the light. I've just got back to work after a lot of councilling & help from my GP. I think it has helped me by not having any contact with him.
Everyone deals with their situation differently as everyone's circumstances are different. You have to look after yourself first & foremost.
Again this forum has helped with my thoughts & feelings that I'm not alone in this situation. I don't post alot but do come back to read the threads now & again.
It has happened to me twice but with two different partners. The first being my ex-husband of 23 years. In 2014 the police caught up with him, end of 2015 he was sentenced. I moved on and found a new partner , we moved in together & beginning of December 2018 we had the knock or rather he did. I couldn't believe it nor I don't think the officers.(that it happened twice) I told him & the officers they could keep him. I left him a note to say I wanted him & his stuff gone. I went to a friend who helped me through it the last time. This time I felt totally betrayed by him. I went to a very dark place, again with very good friends I got through it & started to see the light. I've just got back to work after a lot of councilling & help from my GP. I think it has helped me by not having any contact with him.
Everyone deals with their situation differently as everyone's circumstances are different. You have to look after yourself first & foremost.
Again this forum has helped with my thoughts & feelings that I'm not alone in this situation. I don't post alot but do come back to read the threads now & again.
What an awful thing to have happened to you Jayne. I’m so glad you’re well on the road to recovery. I hope I can be as strong and resilient as you.
We are separating - to give me the space I need to start to recover.
The police came back yesterday to question him further and start safeguarding procedures. They also questioned me in our home and said they may come back to ask me further questions. On the upside, they said their investigations would take only a few months as they only took his phone.
I have to stay focused on protecting myself and on my wellbeing.
Your post has given hope and comfort. Thank you.
J X
We are separating - to give me the space I need to start to recover.
The police came back yesterday to question him further and start safeguarding procedures. They also questioned me in our home and said they may come back to ask me further questions. On the upside, they said their investigations would take only a few months as they only took his phone.
I have to stay focused on protecting myself and on my wellbeing.
Your post has given hope and comfort. Thank you.
J X
I've not been posting much but I've been reading lots of posts when I feel strong enough.
It's been a surreal three weeks since the knock. My emotions are all over the place. Some days I feel strong and others I feel sad, angry, scared, empty, lost - devastated really. I'm trying to be kind to myself and take things day by day.
My close friends have been amazing but I haven't told anyone the whole truth - they think we're separating because of his addiction to online chat. I'm terrified to tell the truth, even though it's not my truth. It's hard keeping someone else's secret, especially one as huge as this. I guess I don't want people to hate him as he's a good man. I know I won't be able to keep it a secret forever - especially if he goes to court and it's in the media.
My husband moved out at the weekend but we're remaining friends and staying in touch - and we're sharing care of our dog! I don't hate him, I can't just turn off my love him. But it's hard knowing how to feel and behave around him. Sometimes it feels as if nothing has happened, and then it hits me and I fall apart.
I'm seeing a solicitor on Friday as I want to get a financial agreement in place should he lose his job or get sent to prison. In the meantime, he's paying half of the mortgage and other joint expenses - thank goodness - I couldn't face losing my home too. And I've applied for a legal separation. I have to keep focused on protecting myself from the fallout of his actions.
As they say at SAA (and the other fellowships) - just for today. It applies to those of us affected by the actions of addicts too. And I try to remember the Serenity Prayer (I'm not religious so I say a secular version):
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference
Easier said than done most days though.
Sending you all the strength and courage I'm feeling today.
J x
It's been a surreal three weeks since the knock. My emotions are all over the place. Some days I feel strong and others I feel sad, angry, scared, empty, lost - devastated really. I'm trying to be kind to myself and take things day by day.
My close friends have been amazing but I haven't told anyone the whole truth - they think we're separating because of his addiction to online chat. I'm terrified to tell the truth, even though it's not my truth. It's hard keeping someone else's secret, especially one as huge as this. I guess I don't want people to hate him as he's a good man. I know I won't be able to keep it a secret forever - especially if he goes to court and it's in the media.
My husband moved out at the weekend but we're remaining friends and staying in touch - and we're sharing care of our dog! I don't hate him, I can't just turn off my love him. But it's hard knowing how to feel and behave around him. Sometimes it feels as if nothing has happened, and then it hits me and I fall apart.
I'm seeing a solicitor on Friday as I want to get a financial agreement in place should he lose his job or get sent to prison. In the meantime, he's paying half of the mortgage and other joint expenses - thank goodness - I couldn't face losing my home too. And I've applied for a legal separation. I have to keep focused on protecting myself from the fallout of his actions.
As they say at SAA (and the other fellowships) - just for today. It applies to those of us affected by the actions of addicts too. And I try to remember the Serenity Prayer (I'm not religious so I say a secular version):
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference
Easier said than done most days though.
Sending you all the strength and courage I'm feeling today.
J x