Still relatively new to this and feeling so alone
Notifications OFF
I apologize if I use the wrong terminology here. I’m new to this site.
In January of this year everything changed. There was no “knock” for me, and I can’t fathom how that felt for the many of you who have written about it on this forum. Instead, for me, it was a talk. My partner of six years came to me crying, saying he had something to tell me. My heart dropped. My first thought was that he had cheated or someone we knew had died. Instead he told me something I never could have imagined. I won’t go into it all, but the jist is that over the past two years, he had viewed illicit images a handful of times, and viewed illicit illustrations/cartoons many more times after ceasing to view the real images. Fortunately for him, myself, and others, he didn’t download anything.
For a while, he tried to deal with the shame and self-hatred and confusion alone, but eventually he told his therapist. After a few sessions of helping him process it more, she set him up with a more specialized therapy group. He had been going to the group every week for a while before sitting me down this January to tell me everything.
I was in shock. Again, this wasn’t something I could ever have imagined hearing. And of course I asked the big questions immediately. Was he sexually attracted? He said he wasn’t. Why did he do it? He said it was still something he was sorting out, but the main drivers were work and family stress, and the relief of masturbation that had led to a need for more and more new/extreme/different stimulation in order to get off…a porn addiction.
I fortunately had an established relationship with my own therapist to turn to in the initial shock and pain and anger. And we started couples therapy soon after as well. But it has been a slow climb to a better place ever since that awful day I found out. I also have a generalized anxiety disorder, and this situation has provided quite a lot of fuel for my anxiety.
Despite the work we have been doing to heal and the progress we’ve made, I am at a low point right now with everything. A few days ago, my partner told me that he had been using porn the night before, and on the page he was looking at, there were some pictures that seemed to be of adults who looked younger, but in a couple instances he couldn’t say for sure if they just looked younger than legal age, or actually were younger. It hurt to hear, and I was so mad at him for that first full day after he told me.
I’ve never felt so alone. I switched therapists, as my previous therapist no longer felt helpful in general, and I am just not feeling a connection with my new therapist. I’m worried about switching therapists again, as I’m scared of being judged regarding this very stigmatized situation with my partner. Our couples therapist is great, but she is there for us both, and I can’t take up all our time with my own anxieties. For obvious reasons, I can’t tell my family or close friends about what I’ve been going through with my partner. And it’s hard. My mom and best friends ask how I’m doing, and I can point to my overall anxiety to an extent, but there is so much more to it with what my partner disclosed that I just can’t say. They would hate him. And tell me to leave him. And judge me for not leaving.
It’s such an isolating experience, I feel like I’m drowning.
In January of this year everything changed. There was no “knock” for me, and I can’t fathom how that felt for the many of you who have written about it on this forum. Instead, for me, it was a talk. My partner of six years came to me crying, saying he had something to tell me. My heart dropped. My first thought was that he had cheated or someone we knew had died. Instead he told me something I never could have imagined. I won’t go into it all, but the jist is that over the past two years, he had viewed illicit images a handful of times, and viewed illicit illustrations/cartoons many more times after ceasing to view the real images. Fortunately for him, myself, and others, he didn’t download anything.
For a while, he tried to deal with the shame and self-hatred and confusion alone, but eventually he told his therapist. After a few sessions of helping him process it more, she set him up with a more specialized therapy group. He had been going to the group every week for a while before sitting me down this January to tell me everything.
I was in shock. Again, this wasn’t something I could ever have imagined hearing. And of course I asked the big questions immediately. Was he sexually attracted? He said he wasn’t. Why did he do it? He said it was still something he was sorting out, but the main drivers were work and family stress, and the relief of masturbation that had led to a need for more and more new/extreme/different stimulation in order to get off…a porn addiction.
I fortunately had an established relationship with my own therapist to turn to in the initial shock and pain and anger. And we started couples therapy soon after as well. But it has been a slow climb to a better place ever since that awful day I found out. I also have a generalized anxiety disorder, and this situation has provided quite a lot of fuel for my anxiety.
Despite the work we have been doing to heal and the progress we’ve made, I am at a low point right now with everything. A few days ago, my partner told me that he had been using porn the night before, and on the page he was looking at, there were some pictures that seemed to be of adults who looked younger, but in a couple instances he couldn’t say for sure if they just looked younger than legal age, or actually were younger. It hurt to hear, and I was so mad at him for that first full day after he told me.
I’ve never felt so alone. I switched therapists, as my previous therapist no longer felt helpful in general, and I am just not feeling a connection with my new therapist. I’m worried about switching therapists again, as I’m scared of being judged regarding this very stigmatized situation with my partner. Our couples therapist is great, but she is there for us both, and I can’t take up all our time with my own anxieties. For obvious reasons, I can’t tell my family or close friends about what I’ve been going through with my partner. And it’s hard. My mom and best friends ask how I’m doing, and I can point to my overall anxiety to an extent, but there is so much more to it with what my partner disclosed that I just can’t say. They would hate him. And tell me to leave him. And judge me for not leaving.
It’s such an isolating experience, I feel like I’m drowning.
Hi,
I am so sorry that you are here in this situation, it is a very isolating situation to be in, my husband had been downloading iiocs we had the knock July 2018, he was re interviewed in July 2020, he went to magistrates and then crown and it has been awful, we have 2 children and we went from having to be supervised by other people for me to then supervise to then going back to other people supervising, because ss deemed me to not be taking wat he had done seriously enough, wat I don't think they took into consideration was the fact I was dealing with this, a suicidal teenager and a child that didn't sleep, he was sentenced last November and up until 4th August this year we have been in a cpp, all this has caused me to have pstd and we have our first cin meeting tomorrow, please reach out on here or ring the helpline, their are quite a lot of knowledgeable people on here who can help put with information, I think the key is to make sure u look after u, which I have always struggled to do xx I hope u will be OK xx
I am so sorry that you are here in this situation, it is a very isolating situation to be in, my husband had been downloading iiocs we had the knock July 2018, he was re interviewed in July 2020, he went to magistrates and then crown and it has been awful, we have 2 children and we went from having to be supervised by other people for me to then supervise to then going back to other people supervising, because ss deemed me to not be taking wat he had done seriously enough, wat I don't think they took into consideration was the fact I was dealing with this, a suicidal teenager and a child that didn't sleep, he was sentenced last November and up until 4th August this year we have been in a cpp, all this has caused me to have pstd and we have our first cin meeting tomorrow, please reach out on here or ring the helpline, their are quite a lot of knowledgeable people on here who can help put with information, I think the key is to make sure u look after u, which I have always struggled to do xx I hope u will be OK xx
Thank you, Dawn14--I also struggle with caring for myself. This website has helped a lot. It's helpful to hear other stories and realize I'm not the only one. Also the information and forum on understanding why has helped deepen my understanding of my partner and also the crimes that occur. Something I saw as so black and white for most of my life actually has so much gray area.
Purplepen you've done the right thing by reaching out on here. It sounds like a terribly difficult situation and one that is impossible to get through alone. Most people on here have a story that involves a close loved one and although the elements can differ the grief and challenges are often similar.
I'd say from my limited knowledge that him telling you is a good thing. It shows a recognition and some taking responsibility for the actions. Him telling you he was looking at porn so recently, while good that he is trying to be transparent, must be really alarming and I understand your anger.
It sounds like you could both do with more support. If he genuinely wants to end his porn addiction, particularly if he has not been arrested for any illegal activities yet but knows that is a possible future pathway, then he needs to do that properly.
If you see your mum as a support than is there anyway he can disclose this situation to her? For you to sit down together? I feel like you are going to need the support whatever happens and by forcing truths out into a wider audience there are less places for him to hide and fall into his addiction.
I am by no means an expert and just putting fwd my opinion formed through working through my own trauma. The knock is horrendous and whatever work he is putting in if it ends up with forcing that into your lives then he needs to sort it out. Call the helpline it has helped people. Has he called the helpline? I guess as they specialise in underage/ illegal offending he might not see it as suitable but if that is the pathway he is on he literally needs to stop it now.
I'd say from my limited knowledge that him telling you is a good thing. It shows a recognition and some taking responsibility for the actions. Him telling you he was looking at porn so recently, while good that he is trying to be transparent, must be really alarming and I understand your anger.
It sounds like you could both do with more support. If he genuinely wants to end his porn addiction, particularly if he has not been arrested for any illegal activities yet but knows that is a possible future pathway, then he needs to do that properly.
If you see your mum as a support than is there anyway he can disclose this situation to her? For you to sit down together? I feel like you are going to need the support whatever happens and by forcing truths out into a wider audience there are less places for him to hide and fall into his addiction.
I am by no means an expert and just putting fwd my opinion formed through working through my own trauma. The knock is horrendous and whatever work he is putting in if it ends up with forcing that into your lives then he needs to sort it out. Call the helpline it has helped people. Has he called the helpline? I guess as they specialise in underage/ illegal offending he might not see it as suitable but if that is the pathway he is on he literally needs to stop it now.
Cloud, thank you for your response. I will say that we stupidly didn't have good restrictions on standard porn before he told me about that incident last week. We were focused on how the porn had become a problem when he was using it very frequently and as a way to escape stress and depression and boredom. So, again stupidly, we thought irregular use of standard porn would be fine after many months of getting help, working through what happened, etc. We now understand a porn addiction needs more serious restrictions, and we have established those boundaries. My partner has also been utilizing the resources on this website and a couple others, in addition to therapy. I also purchased a recommended book (The Porn Trap) for us to both read.
I don't feel comfortable including my mom in this situation, but I have considered talking to my closest friend about at least the porn addiction in general. Maybe in the future my partner would tell her about the illicit images--it is definitely something I want to talk to him about. She is a mutual friend and I feel like she would be a more open and understanding ear. Her support would make a big difference for me.
I don't feel comfortable including my mom in this situation, but I have considered talking to my closest friend about at least the porn addiction in general. Maybe in the future my partner would tell her about the illicit images--it is definitely something I want to talk to him about. She is a mutual friend and I feel like she would be a more open and understanding ear. Her support would make a big difference for me.
Lee1969, thank you so much for all of these resources. I had just purchased The Porn Trap, but will look into those other books. I will also be looking into those websites and support lines! This website has mostly been very helpful, though I will say that I occasionally get overwhelmed trying to process all the information and after reading so many stories. I start to compare my own story and worry even more about the future and what it might hold.