Family pressure and wanting to support my partner
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Hi everyone,
I'm looking for some help and support, I'm very new to all this and still trying to process what's happening and its all so raw. It's been just under 2 weeks since the knock at my door at 7am.
My partner is under investigation for looking at IIOC. I love my partner so much, more than anything. My family are very against me supporting my partner through this and I understand why. But its becoming very pressured when I dont want to walk away. They are saying upsetting things about our relationship being fake and he doesn't love me when I know this isn't the case. We have been together for 5 years and I'm not willing to throw that away.
I feel so many emotions and everyday is different. We use to live together at my mums but due to children being in the house he isn't allowed back and has been staying in hotels. This has left me feeling even more alone than ever because although I have my family around they constantly want to talk about it and tell me what I 'NEED' to do, my mum tells me I can't go out and I get 100 questions before I leave and when I'm out. My family are guilt tripping me and I feel so closed off from them.
My partner is the one I would go to when things were troubling me or I was upset he was the rock I needed in my life to get through and him not being by my side is a real struggle for me.
I have given my job up as I worked in childcare, partly due to him and also due to the fact I won't be able to face anyone or even feel like I can do my job knowing what I am facing in my personal life. But I don't resent my partner for it as it is my choice.
He has told me everything that has happened as it took a few day for the full truth of what was going on to come out. But I don't support him for what he has done as this is something that is just horrible to think about. I want to be there to support and have a life after this. He has already made steps to get better. I have a lot of faith that we will be able to get through this together, we have no children involved between us.
Please can someone shed some light at the end of the tunnel, will we ever be able to have children? and will we ever be able to live some form of life after? Am I stupid for wanting this because I'm so set on wanting to stand by him.
Thank you in advance for any advice :)
I'm looking for some help and support, I'm very new to all this and still trying to process what's happening and its all so raw. It's been just under 2 weeks since the knock at my door at 7am.
My partner is under investigation for looking at IIOC. I love my partner so much, more than anything. My family are very against me supporting my partner through this and I understand why. But its becoming very pressured when I dont want to walk away. They are saying upsetting things about our relationship being fake and he doesn't love me when I know this isn't the case. We have been together for 5 years and I'm not willing to throw that away.
I feel so many emotions and everyday is different. We use to live together at my mums but due to children being in the house he isn't allowed back and has been staying in hotels. This has left me feeling even more alone than ever because although I have my family around they constantly want to talk about it and tell me what I 'NEED' to do, my mum tells me I can't go out and I get 100 questions before I leave and when I'm out. My family are guilt tripping me and I feel so closed off from them.
My partner is the one I would go to when things were troubling me or I was upset he was the rock I needed in my life to get through and him not being by my side is a real struggle for me.
I have given my job up as I worked in childcare, partly due to him and also due to the fact I won't be able to face anyone or even feel like I can do my job knowing what I am facing in my personal life. But I don't resent my partner for it as it is my choice.
He has told me everything that has happened as it took a few day for the full truth of what was going on to come out. But I don't support him for what he has done as this is something that is just horrible to think about. I want to be there to support and have a life after this. He has already made steps to get better. I have a lot of faith that we will be able to get through this together, we have no children involved between us.
Please can someone shed some light at the end of the tunnel, will we ever be able to have children? and will we ever be able to live some form of life after? Am I stupid for wanting this because I'm so set on wanting to stand by him.
Thank you in advance for any advice :)
Lish97
I'm sorry to hear you have no support, I am a mum to a offender iioc. I believe it shows real courage to stand by your partner, it will be hard work but you will get there. I'm pleased to hear your partner is getting help that's a major first step.
Unfortunately the whole process takes along time, you have a very long road ahead of you.
May I ask how old you & your partner are ? I feel that you are very young. As for your mum asking a thousand questions that's unfair but again a mother only wants the best for her child .
Is it a possibility that your partner can get housing as like I say it can take upto 2 years .. police don't rush themselves.
As for living a normal life, I believe you can yes, again yes your be able to have children but with the possibility that social services will be involved at some stage.
Take care of your self, reach out when u need to . Xx
I'm sorry to hear you have no support, I am a mum to a offender iioc. I believe it shows real courage to stand by your partner, it will be hard work but you will get there. I'm pleased to hear your partner is getting help that's a major first step.
Unfortunately the whole process takes along time, you have a very long road ahead of you.
May I ask how old you & your partner are ? I feel that you are very young. As for your mum asking a thousand questions that's unfair but again a mother only wants the best for her child .
Is it a possibility that your partner can get housing as like I say it can take upto 2 years .. police don't rush themselves.
As for living a normal life, I believe you can yes, again yes your be able to have children but with the possibility that social services will be involved at some stage.
Take care of your self, reach out when u need to . Xx
Hi Lish,
I hope you are doing ok. I understand when you say your family are not supporting you and you are feeling pressured to walk away from your relationship. Our parents only want to protect us but I too, find my parents’ opinions overwhelming with regards to what I should and shouldn't be doing.
After the knock (four weeks ago), I stayed with my parents for two weeks and now have come back to the house I share with my partner as I know that feeling of interrogation every time, I decide to leave the house. As your emotions are still all over the place and are likely to be for some time, I would not make any more hasty decisions and take the days as they come. My parents are fully aware that the more they pressure me to leave my partner, the more likely that they will push me towards him – you have to work this out for yourself, and your parents should accept your decision whether they like it or not.
Can I ask is your partner still working? Would you be able to rent a place in the short-term?
As for the future, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, but it will also be one hell of a ride to get there. I am not a parent myself but planned to have a family with my partner. As before, you do seem young so you have plenty of time to plan a family but I would fully expect social services to be involved. From the posts on this forum, I understand their involvement can be worse than the investigation. However I also want to know more about the involvement from SS once partner’s come off the SOR (I have only seen one or two posts in the FRG forum) so maybe no news is good news? Many women on this forum have made and continue to make huge sacrifices for their partners which I think is unbelievably brave and strong. You are certainly not stupid for wanting to stand by him.
Hope this helps. Big hugs x
I hope you are doing ok. I understand when you say your family are not supporting you and you are feeling pressured to walk away from your relationship. Our parents only want to protect us but I too, find my parents’ opinions overwhelming with regards to what I should and shouldn't be doing.
After the knock (four weeks ago), I stayed with my parents for two weeks and now have come back to the house I share with my partner as I know that feeling of interrogation every time, I decide to leave the house. As your emotions are still all over the place and are likely to be for some time, I would not make any more hasty decisions and take the days as they come. My parents are fully aware that the more they pressure me to leave my partner, the more likely that they will push me towards him – you have to work this out for yourself, and your parents should accept your decision whether they like it or not.
Can I ask is your partner still working? Would you be able to rent a place in the short-term?
As for the future, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, but it will also be one hell of a ride to get there. I am not a parent myself but planned to have a family with my partner. As before, you do seem young so you have plenty of time to plan a family but I would fully expect social services to be involved. From the posts on this forum, I understand their involvement can be worse than the investigation. However I also want to know more about the involvement from SS once partner’s come off the SOR (I have only seen one or two posts in the FRG forum) so maybe no news is good news? Many women on this forum have made and continue to make huge sacrifices for their partners which I think is unbelievably brave and strong. You are certainly not stupid for wanting to stand by him.
Hope this helps. Big hugs x
Hi Lish97,
I am a partner who's husband viewed iiocs, I am sorry u r suffering interrogation from ur parents, it is so hard as previously said parents just want the best for u, luckily I have had that. I just want you to no there is light at the end of the tunnel, while it took just over 2 years from the knock to sentencing and they were stressful, but to be honest not as stressful as wat I've gone through with ss, if I had listened to our first sw my husband should have been put down and that there would be no way on earth he would be able to move back home, but after finally being introduced to llf forum I have that to be not true at all, and he has an excellent po who had also said that it could be possible in the future, I am guessing that once he has done his probation period ( 2 years and we have already nearly done a year) it's been a long process but it is clearly possible, obviously u don't no wat the outcome is going to be yet and if u r young u could wait a few years depending on his outcome before u decide to be parents, but if it happens before just make sure that u take lots of advice from here, make sure u have safety plans in place and make sure u can prove u can supervise the contact between ur partner and ur children xx take each day as it comes, shout , scream if u need to, DO NOT keep in ur emotions because that won't help
I am standing by partner just because I want too but our kids want me too as well.
I am a partner who's husband viewed iiocs, I am sorry u r suffering interrogation from ur parents, it is so hard as previously said parents just want the best for u, luckily I have had that. I just want you to no there is light at the end of the tunnel, while it took just over 2 years from the knock to sentencing and they were stressful, but to be honest not as stressful as wat I've gone through with ss, if I had listened to our first sw my husband should have been put down and that there would be no way on earth he would be able to move back home, but after finally being introduced to llf forum I have that to be not true at all, and he has an excellent po who had also said that it could be possible in the future, I am guessing that once he has done his probation period ( 2 years and we have already nearly done a year) it's been a long process but it is clearly possible, obviously u don't no wat the outcome is going to be yet and if u r young u could wait a few years depending on his outcome before u decide to be parents, but if it happens before just make sure that u take lots of advice from here, make sure u have safety plans in place and make sure u can prove u can supervise the contact between ur partner and ur children xx take each day as it comes, shout , scream if u need to, DO NOT keep in ur emotions because that won't help
I am standing by partner just because I want too but our kids want me too as well.
Hiya.
I am 3 months in from the knock. It's a terrible time not knowing etc.
His family have decided they don't want anything to do with him now.
I love him to the moon and back and he has just fallen down a bad hole.
Hugs xx
I am 3 months in from the knock. It's a terrible time not knowing etc.
His family have decided they don't want anything to do with him now.
I love him to the moon and back and he has just fallen down a bad hole.
Hugs xx
Hi everyone,
Thank you all so much for the support it means alot.
I am 23 and my partner Is 25 which I know is young, my family say I should leave as I'm so young and find someone better. But we have been together for 5 years and we have gotten through alot in those years and I see this as a massive hurdle that we have to get over. I am positive that we can do it.
I suffer with anxiety on a day to day basis and this has majorly elevated it especially when I'm out. I've not had the best bringing up with my family they have always been controlling and physical. So I had to teach myself to survive on my own emotionally and when this happened I shut off to everyone and went in to survival mode, I thought of every possible way to get through this and the only light I saw at the end of the tunnel is by his side.
My partners side of the family have been lovely, they don't agree with what happened but they message me everyday to see how I am. They tell me the same, to take everyday as it comes.
Hugs to you all x
Thank you all so much for the support it means alot.
I am 23 and my partner Is 25 which I know is young, my family say I should leave as I'm so young and find someone better. But we have been together for 5 years and we have gotten through alot in those years and I see this as a massive hurdle that we have to get over. I am positive that we can do it.
I suffer with anxiety on a day to day basis and this has majorly elevated it especially when I'm out. I've not had the best bringing up with my family they have always been controlling and physical. So I had to teach myself to survive on my own emotionally and when this happened I shut off to everyone and went in to survival mode, I thought of every possible way to get through this and the only light I saw at the end of the tunnel is by his side.
My partners side of the family have been lovely, they don't agree with what happened but they message me everyday to see how I am. They tell me the same, to take everyday as it comes.
Hugs to you all x
Hi Lish,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. There's no "one size fits all" I've learnt so far, it is very much down to personal circumstance and your partner as an individual. It must be hard to not have support from your family but at the same time it is easy to understand their concern and doubts.
As already mentioned this is a very long process and will involve a lot of down days in which you doubt everything, panic, worry and question why has this happened to you. However, those days are mixed with normality where you go about your business and forget about it. Whilst under investigation you will not know the extent of what you're potentially dealing with so my best advice is to prepare for all possible outcomes and make a plan for those.
There are many people who have stuck by their partners and many who haven't. I'm in the same predicament at the moment. 5 months since the knock and RUI for communicating with a minor, my partner tells me he thought she was an adult and ended conversation when she revealed she was 15 and I really do believe him however I have prepared myself for worst case when the devices come back just in case so I am not torn apart. I will have to wait and see what happens as I would like children but if something serious comes back then it'd make it very difficult to do so and therefore I would have to move on with my life. All we can do is wait and hope.
As hard as it is I advise not to discuss with friends and family, it's hard enough trying to make sense of it all without other's opinions. I know right now you feel like your world has been shattered but you are the main priority and I would advise that you try to establish some independance in the way of finding another job and getting your own place so you can escape the judgements from your family, throwing your focus onto a goal will really help take your mind off things.
We all think these things can never happen to us until they do and it involves somebody you love. It's easy until you're in this position to have an opinion on what you should and shouldn't do as the partner of an alleged offender.
Take care and I hope things get easier for you x
Sorry to hear about your troubles. There's no "one size fits all" I've learnt so far, it is very much down to personal circumstance and your partner as an individual. It must be hard to not have support from your family but at the same time it is easy to understand their concern and doubts.
As already mentioned this is a very long process and will involve a lot of down days in which you doubt everything, panic, worry and question why has this happened to you. However, those days are mixed with normality where you go about your business and forget about it. Whilst under investigation you will not know the extent of what you're potentially dealing with so my best advice is to prepare for all possible outcomes and make a plan for those.
There are many people who have stuck by their partners and many who haven't. I'm in the same predicament at the moment. 5 months since the knock and RUI for communicating with a minor, my partner tells me he thought she was an adult and ended conversation when she revealed she was 15 and I really do believe him however I have prepared myself for worst case when the devices come back just in case so I am not torn apart. I will have to wait and see what happens as I would like children but if something serious comes back then it'd make it very difficult to do so and therefore I would have to move on with my life. All we can do is wait and hope.
As hard as it is I advise not to discuss with friends and family, it's hard enough trying to make sense of it all without other's opinions. I know right now you feel like your world has been shattered but you are the main priority and I would advise that you try to establish some independance in the way of finding another job and getting your own place so you can escape the judgements from your family, throwing your focus onto a goal will really help take your mind off things.
We all think these things can never happen to us until they do and it involves somebody you love. It's easy until you're in this position to have an opinion on what you should and shouldn't do as the partner of an alleged offender.
Take care and I hope things get easier for you x
Lish97
I feel for you so much. I haven't told my family as I know I would get the same treatment.
We have been forced to tell his family as my sister in law got a call from SS saying hubby has to stay away from her kids. (I think my family hasn't been contacted due to them having boys and no girls) luckily his parents were supportive.
We are all hear for each other. I know it sounds horrible and I feel depressed most days 7 days post knock. I also suffer from anxiety and I am 11 weeks pregnant so really doesn't help.
Like you my husband is my best friend and I can't love without him after 8 years. I hate him but I love him so much.
Take care
I feel for you so much. I haven't told my family as I know I would get the same treatment.
We have been forced to tell his family as my sister in law got a call from SS saying hubby has to stay away from her kids. (I think my family hasn't been contacted due to them having boys and no girls) luckily his parents were supportive.
We are all hear for each other. I know it sounds horrible and I feel depressed most days 7 days post knock. I also suffer from anxiety and I am 11 weeks pregnant so really doesn't help.
Like you my husband is my best friend and I can't love without him after 8 years. I hate him but I love him so much.
Take care
Lish97
Reading what you have written really made me feel as if that had been written by me. i am in the same situation as you in regards to my parents. I don't live with my partner but have been with him for a few years. About 5 weeks ago now he was arrested for iiocs. I have since spoke with him and he has explained everything. He really isn't in a good place and I truely believe everything he has told me. I know he isn't a bad person and just ended up in a bad and dark place, it was never about the pictures for him, but the chats with other men and he became addicted as he felt worthless. I want to be with him still as I still love him and know I can forgive him and move on but it's really difficult due to the pressure around me. Unfortunately I live with my parents and they were really angry about it all... I feel like they haven't taken into account how this has made me feel and all they want to do is keep questioning me on it. it's still a very big shock to me and all they seem to care about is how it affects them. They don't want me to speak or see him ever again. They have made me block his number although I am an adult they have always had some sort of control over me. I have secretly still been in touch with him which has added to all this pressure and lies but I can't see any other way round it. I am really struggling to see past this all and how I'm ever going to be with him when my parents seem to have all the control and they'll never be happy about it. I know it's my choice what I do as it's my life but it always feels easier said then done :( x
Reading what you have written really made me feel as if that had been written by me. i am in the same situation as you in regards to my parents. I don't live with my partner but have been with him for a few years. About 5 weeks ago now he was arrested for iiocs. I have since spoke with him and he has explained everything. He really isn't in a good place and I truely believe everything he has told me. I know he isn't a bad person and just ended up in a bad and dark place, it was never about the pictures for him, but the chats with other men and he became addicted as he felt worthless. I want to be with him still as I still love him and know I can forgive him and move on but it's really difficult due to the pressure around me. Unfortunately I live with my parents and they were really angry about it all... I feel like they haven't taken into account how this has made me feel and all they want to do is keep questioning me on it. it's still a very big shock to me and all they seem to care about is how it affects them. They don't want me to speak or see him ever again. They have made me block his number although I am an adult they have always had some sort of control over me. I have secretly still been in touch with him which has added to all this pressure and lies but I can't see any other way round it. I am really struggling to see past this all and how I'm ever going to be with him when my parents seem to have all the control and they'll never be happy about it. I know it's my choice what I do as it's my life but it always feels easier said then done :( x
Lish97,
I feel almost like it was me writing your posts. My partner and I are around your ages, and I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, which has been exacerbated by this situation with my partner. I too feel pressure to leave because im young and we aren't married, but we've been together for over 6 years and I love him so much. I feel we can get through this.
Sending hugs your way. You aren't alone.
I feel almost like it was me writing your posts. My partner and I are around your ages, and I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, which has been exacerbated by this situation with my partner. I too feel pressure to leave because im young and we aren't married, but we've been together for over 6 years and I love him so much. I feel we can get through this.
Sending hugs your way. You aren't alone.
It gives me relief that there are people similar ages and same situations around me I've felt so alone. My mum has been so controlling, I have been at my partners for the last few night as I've tried to get away from them.
My mum has told me she has recieved threats about me only 3 weeks in but won't tell me who and what they said... which leaves me suspicious. I've had all my family swearing and having ago at me tell me I need to support my mum?? All I can think is are you serious?? Where's my support. Its exactly that no one is thinking about how I feel about this.
My partner went into a dark place too and all he wants is help and he wants a future with me and I do too. I have spent 2 weeks not seeing him but messaging and now a few nights spent with him and I love him more and more each day.
Sending love to you all I hope we can continue to communicate to help each other out in these hard times Xxx
My mum has told me she has recieved threats about me only 3 weeks in but won't tell me who and what they said... which leaves me suspicious. I've had all my family swearing and having ago at me tell me I need to support my mum?? All I can think is are you serious?? Where's my support. Its exactly that no one is thinking about how I feel about this.
My partner went into a dark place too and all he wants is help and he wants a future with me and I do too. I have spent 2 weeks not seeing him but messaging and now a few nights spent with him and I love him more and more each day.
Sending love to you all I hope we can continue to communicate to help each other out in these hard times Xxx