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I wasn’t sure whether to post or not as I am less that 24 hours into being told that my other half was arrested in August for viewing inappropriate images - it’s taken him a year to find the courage to tell me.
To give some background from what I understand, there was a knock at the door and the police found numerous images that had been viewed (not shared) after his devices were taken away as part of the investigation. He admitted everything to the police straight away. He didn’t accept a duty solicitor as he was a mess and I guess because he had never been in trouble with the police before. I believe everything has now been passed to the CPS and he has now only just appointed a solicitor.
He had been seeing a therapist when I first met him to deal with the issue (although I wasn't aware really of the reasons) but he let it lapse when he thought he had for himself on track. He also enrolled in the 10 week Inform Plus course and now sees a therapist weekly. He wants to be better. He actually told me about this organisation.
I am now a broken man. I’ve read through a lot of the posts on here and I am in awe of everyone’s honesty and support for each other: and that’s what I need right now - support. There is literally no one I can talk to about this as I try to process this. I feel sick. I feel ashamed. I feel hurt and I feel scared. Yesterday morning I had a future that I was looking forward to but now I feel that it has been taken away from me. He came along in my life at a time when I had started to pick myself up again after losing my husband of 20 years: someone who ended up addicted to drugs after trying chem sex and then lost his life leaving me to find him. So right now I feel that there must be problem with me - as here I am now finally settled in my next long-term relationship to find out they also have some form of addiction.
I spent so many years grieving and now I feel like I am grieving again - this time for our relationship. I don’t agree with what he has done - I am trying to get my head round it but at the moment I just can’t comprehend it. I feel so stupid not knowing - he was doing the inform plus course in the room next to me when I was watching tv in the other room.
I also feel very scared for him. He won’t survive prison and I think that would likely be the outcome. Now I also have this huge fear he might end up doing something stupid. He knows he has done wrong and needs to be punished for what he has done. We don’t live together and his family are being supportive which I know is sometimes unusual and is also something I am also trying to get my head round as I know my family would not have been the same.
I really don’t want to come across as if I am defending his actions - I can’t. They were wrong and he needs to get the help he needs and face the consequences. But those consequences and repercussions now include me: someone who has already been to hell and back with one relationship. I have tried to hold it together since I was told but when I dropped him back at the station this afternoon, I had to pull over in the car as I couldn’t see through the tears and I haven’t been able to stop ever since I got home. He’s actually a really thoughtful genuine person - he got me through my bereavement and I never thought I would get the chance to have another relationship in a million years. But now it feels like I’m in a relationship with a stranger. I love him very much but in the space of 24 hours I have ended up hating myself more.
I feel so selfish thinking about my own thoughts and feelings when I know he must be terrified. I'm really conflicted - this is so much to process. You read about this happening to other people and in your head you imagine what sort of monster that someone must be to do it. You don't necessarily expect it to be that close to home.
I'm really sorry for writing such a long first post.
To give some background from what I understand, there was a knock at the door and the police found numerous images that had been viewed (not shared) after his devices were taken away as part of the investigation. He admitted everything to the police straight away. He didn’t accept a duty solicitor as he was a mess and I guess because he had never been in trouble with the police before. I believe everything has now been passed to the CPS and he has now only just appointed a solicitor.
He had been seeing a therapist when I first met him to deal with the issue (although I wasn't aware really of the reasons) but he let it lapse when he thought he had for himself on track. He also enrolled in the 10 week Inform Plus course and now sees a therapist weekly. He wants to be better. He actually told me about this organisation.
I am now a broken man. I’ve read through a lot of the posts on here and I am in awe of everyone’s honesty and support for each other: and that’s what I need right now - support. There is literally no one I can talk to about this as I try to process this. I feel sick. I feel ashamed. I feel hurt and I feel scared. Yesterday morning I had a future that I was looking forward to but now I feel that it has been taken away from me. He came along in my life at a time when I had started to pick myself up again after losing my husband of 20 years: someone who ended up addicted to drugs after trying chem sex and then lost his life leaving me to find him. So right now I feel that there must be problem with me - as here I am now finally settled in my next long-term relationship to find out they also have some form of addiction.
I spent so many years grieving and now I feel like I am grieving again - this time for our relationship. I don’t agree with what he has done - I am trying to get my head round it but at the moment I just can’t comprehend it. I feel so stupid not knowing - he was doing the inform plus course in the room next to me when I was watching tv in the other room.
I also feel very scared for him. He won’t survive prison and I think that would likely be the outcome. Now I also have this huge fear he might end up doing something stupid. He knows he has done wrong and needs to be punished for what he has done. We don’t live together and his family are being supportive which I know is sometimes unusual and is also something I am also trying to get my head round as I know my family would not have been the same.
I really don’t want to come across as if I am defending his actions - I can’t. They were wrong and he needs to get the help he needs and face the consequences. But those consequences and repercussions now include me: someone who has already been to hell and back with one relationship. I have tried to hold it together since I was told but when I dropped him back at the station this afternoon, I had to pull over in the car as I couldn’t see through the tears and I haven’t been able to stop ever since I got home. He’s actually a really thoughtful genuine person - he got me through my bereavement and I never thought I would get the chance to have another relationship in a million years. But now it feels like I’m in a relationship with a stranger. I love him very much but in the space of 24 hours I have ended up hating myself more.
I feel so selfish thinking about my own thoughts and feelings when I know he must be terrified. I'm really conflicted - this is so much to process. You read about this happening to other people and in your head you imagine what sort of monster that someone must be to do it. You don't necessarily expect it to be that close to home.
I'm really sorry for writing such a long first post.
Just to add that I have now also been in touch with the helpline. This is all a mindfield that I never expected to find myself in.
Anonn
Oh dear god bless you, I'm so so sorry to see this.
I can't remember everything that you wrote, but please don't think for one moment anything is wrong with you.
As for your partner going to prison, it really is down to judge on the day. Do you know roughly how many images? Category? .
This is all so new so please don't make any rash decisions,I am a mum to an offender iioc its truly gutting isn't it. I'm pleased you phoned the helpline.
People on here will give invaluable advice & support to you.
Keep coming here I am sending you a hug xx
Oh dear god bless you, I'm so so sorry to see this.
I can't remember everything that you wrote, but please don't think for one moment anything is wrong with you.
As for your partner going to prison, it really is down to judge on the day. Do you know roughly how many images? Category? .
This is all so new so please don't make any rash decisions,I am a mum to an offender iioc its truly gutting isn't it. I'm pleased you phoned the helpline.
People on here will give invaluable advice & support to you.
Keep coming here I am sending you a hug xx
Anon, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position - it's fairly hideous but it's not you and it's not your fault. Lean on us, we're all at different stages of the process and all having slightly different experiences but we all share the pain and disbelief that you're going through. In the 'Understanding Why' section is a post giving advice to newcomers - I highly recommend that you find it and read it as it's invaluable.
Sending you hugs xx
Sending you hugs xx
Anon, I had a 30 year marriage that became abusive it took me a long time to get the courage to leave, I met my partner who turned my life around and who I love so very much, then 10 months ago came the knock, like you we don't live together which I think has helped, he had stopped before he met me, so I suppose he thought that was it, he didn't search for anything, he had viewed all categories, he got a 6 month sentence suspended for 2 years, 10 years SOR and 10 years SHPO, its not easy, it's like you say you hear or read about things like that and you think who could possibly stand by someone who does that then you see it all from a different perspective, we are still together, he has lost so much, we hang on in there, best advice we got was to take each thing one at a time do not try and see too far ahead even now he takes it hour by hour day by day, take care of you, hugs to you
Everything you are feeling is totally normal. You want to scream, cry and shout at them for being so selfish and stupid but you don't want to make them feel any worse than they do in fear they will harm themselves. We all absolutely understand what you are going through. You need time to process the information, listen to your partner and try to understand why he went down this path, only then can you make an informed decision on where your future lies with him. I'm 6 months in, my husband has his plea hearing in court in 2 weeks time and I'm still with him, albeit at arms length. I am trying so hard to support him, his family and my family but am finding it so difficult that no one is supporting me. I just have to hope that things will change in the future and we can build a new kind of normal life together.
Always here to chat my love xxx
Always here to chat my love xxx
Please don't blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong in either of your relationships other than love them.
Like you, everyone on here had a life that they looked forward to which all of a sudden was ripped apart from the actions of their loved one.
You'll go through a Myriad of emotions and this group is somewhere you can go for support knowing you're not alone.
look after yourself and be kind to yourself x
Like you, everyone on here had a life that they looked forward to which all of a sudden was ripped apart from the actions of their loved one.
You'll go through a Myriad of emotions and this group is somewhere you can go for support knowing you're not alone.
look after yourself and be kind to yourself x
Thank you for all your comments and virtual love - reading the replies has meant that I don't feel as alone as I did.
As a gay man, I felt awkward posting and phoning through to the helpline as I know through reading all of the posts (and I have read literally everyone to prepare me) that there seems to be very few men (gay or otherwise)posting - I didnt' want to take any support from anyone that might need it more.
The phone line have booked me in for the course so I can try and understand what has happened.
We both had a two hour phone call yesterday - our first time speaking since the bombshell. Lots of things now have clicked into place - he has been withdrawn since when the 'knock' happened and I didnt pick up on it. I have told him I hate what he's done and hate the world he has brought me and his family into - but I will try and support him through it. He's the shadow of the man I met and I think finally telling me will be of benefit to his mental health.
What I hate the most, is that when I met him, he had already decided he needed help and was seeing a therapist. He stopped because he thought he was on top of it. He wanted to do the course at the time but couldn't afford to do it. If he had of told me and his family back then, we wouldn't be at this stage now. He would have had the support he needed. Havign read a lot of peoples experiences, it seems there are lot of people who feel the same way.
As a gay man, I felt awkward posting and phoning through to the helpline as I know through reading all of the posts (and I have read literally everyone to prepare me) that there seems to be very few men (gay or otherwise)posting - I didnt' want to take any support from anyone that might need it more.
The phone line have booked me in for the course so I can try and understand what has happened.
We both had a two hour phone call yesterday - our first time speaking since the bombshell. Lots of things now have clicked into place - he has been withdrawn since when the 'knock' happened and I didnt pick up on it. I have told him I hate what he's done and hate the world he has brought me and his family into - but I will try and support him through it. He's the shadow of the man I met and I think finally telling me will be of benefit to his mental health.
What I hate the most, is that when I met him, he had already decided he needed help and was seeing a therapist. He stopped because he thought he was on top of it. He wanted to do the course at the time but couldn't afford to do it. If he had of told me and his family back then, we wouldn't be at this stage now. He would have had the support he needed. Havign read a lot of peoples experiences, it seems there are lot of people who feel the same way.
Absolutely, we are all going through the same horrific experience, whether it's gay or straight, a partner is a partner. You have a way to go but the best piece of advice is to be open for what your partner has to say, don't judge, listen and try to understand. It's an awful position for a partner to be in because they get all the help they need but we are left with very few options.
I took solice n this site and listened to what others had to say. Don't make any rash decision s right now, just try and get things straight In your own mind and don't listen to everyone else's opinions (because, my god they will have their opinion!)
Huge hugs to you xxx
I took solice n this site and listened to what others had to say. Don't make any rash decision s right now, just try and get things straight In your own mind and don't listen to everyone else's opinions (because, my god they will have their opinion!)
Huge hugs to you xxx