Choosing between husband and family
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Ever since we got the knock 6 months ago, I have maintained my husband innocent with my family. He led me to believe his phone had been hacked, however came clean 16 weeks down the line. I didn't tell my family he had confessed as I needed to process the information first and fathom out what the heck I was going to do. He received his charge letter last week and is due for his plea hearing in 2 weeks. I now need to tell my family as we were due to be away on holiday the week he is due in court and they will ask why we are not going away. They have already told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should leave him but I do still love him. We are not really living like a conventional married couple since this nightmare began, the thought of being intimate make me feel sick, I am just clinging onto any ounce of hope that someday in the future I will be able to move on.
I have so much anxiety about talking to my family, I've had a couple if panic attacks this week already. I know they will ask me to chose between them and him....... How can anyone do that!?
Does anyone have any advice how I might go about this ? Do I carry on the pretense that he is innocent? Or tell them and risk never seeing them again? I just can't cope with any of it. This week has been a crappy week and my mental health is seriously suffering but I keep putting that smile in my face and go to work, it's the only part of my life I feel I have some small amount if control over!
I have so much anxiety about talking to my family, I've had a couple if panic attacks this week already. I know they will ask me to chose between them and him....... How can anyone do that!?
Does anyone have any advice how I might go about this ? Do I carry on the pretense that he is innocent? Or tell them and risk never seeing them again? I just can't cope with any of it. This week has been a crappy week and my mental health is seriously suffering but I keep putting that smile in my face and go to work, it's the only part of my life I feel I have some small amount if control over!
Hi Mw, it's an impossible choice, if it ends up in the media they may get to know anyway, I hadn't told any of my family except for my sister who has been amazingly supportive right through, my daughter found out when it was in the media, she has asked me to keep my relationship separate from her while she deals with it, she has said she would never ask me to choose as we are really close and she knows I love him, as me and my partner don't live together this has been easy to do, no one else knows, I really don't know if I'd be strong enough to cope if they did, it's the dishonesty my daughter has problems with as she knows and others don't, the decision I suppose has to be right for you and your future, what do you want, where do you want to be, I'm sending you all my love, because it is such a hard decision to make, what sentence is your partner looking at, even though as I know from this forum, it is up to the judge on the day
Emmie Lou, thank you... I'm sending a great big virtual hug your way xx PO and Solicitor think he'll get a suspended sentence, although I have seen a similar case where it was a custodial!
He is being charged with communication with the purpose of sexual gratification, and 2 seperate charges for attempting to incite sexual activity. Makes me feel sick typing it. How can my husband of 28 years do this!?
I am in two minds just to tell my family he has a plea hearing and he is pleading not guilty, they will then expect it to go to crown court (which it probably will anyway), so they will be non the wiser. I hate lying to everyone though, plus I'm a crap liar! I feel like I am condoning his behaviour. Oh god it just a total nightmare.
He is being charged with communication with the purpose of sexual gratification, and 2 seperate charges for attempting to incite sexual activity. Makes me feel sick typing it. How can my husband of 28 years do this!?
I am in two minds just to tell my family he has a plea hearing and he is pleading not guilty, they will then expect it to go to crown court (which it probably will anyway), so they will be non the wiser. I hate lying to everyone though, plus I'm a crap liar! I feel like I am condoning his behaviour. Oh god it just a total nightmare.
Mw, I am finding the lying hard, but I think it's the best chance of my partner leading some sort of life, this weekend it's my daughters birthday, so I've said my partner is seeing his son to explain why he can't come, in reality since it was in the media he's been told by his ex wife he cant see his son, but I've promised my daughter ill keep him separate, I've always thought of myself as basically an honest person, so it's hard, I also believe you can't difine a person by just one thing, though if everyone knew I don't know how I'd react so I do think it's for the best,do what you think is best, it might not even be in the media, we knew ours would be because a reporter was in court,our PO report and solicitor both got the sentence right, though they thought he would have community service which he didn't get, sending you a virtual hug too, ????
Question marks where ment to be a heart, ment to say, I often think that before this happened I used to read the papers and think how awful, this gives you a whole different perspective, and noone ever knows how they would react to anything unless they are actually put in that position, you take care
By way of an update, I chickened out basically and told my family has has been charged but is still pleading his innocence, I did however tell them that I think he has done it. Was also meant to tell my eldest daughter today, as we can't go away with them next week due to his plea hearing, however backed out of that too, telling her that he has had a couple of meeting to attend that he can't get out of! I hate the lies, but like you said it's a way of trying to keep things fairly normal and not have the added pressure of everyone elses opinions on how I should run my life.
Hi MW
Its certainly a really hard choice. We have told all of our immediate family and a few friends. And they have been amazing to us in general apart from a few of hubby's siblings who say they will support us but haven't spoken to us in a month (not even to check in on me and I'm 38 weeks pregnant).
It's really hard especially with your children - we don't have adult children and baby will be our first so don't have that to contend with.
We did have a moment of realisation though that we know why he did it (years of abuse leading to an addiction), I love him, he loves me and our baby will be so loved. So if people don't want to be part of our lives then that's on them. My parents have been amazing and my friend and it's been really helpful to have them in the loop. I have got some other best friends who I haven't told as they have children of their own and I'm really scared as to how they will take it and how they will react. One friend is desperate to come and stay with us once my baby is born but I cannot and will not have her and her baby around my husband right now. I absolutely know her baby is safe but I would never ever take that choice away from her by her not knowing. So that's difficult.
I really hope you are feeling better after telling your family you think he did it. How did they react?
can I ask why/ on what grounds your husband is pleading not guilty? My husband is also communication though not inciting anything (awaiting actual charges though!)
sending love.
Its certainly a really hard choice. We have told all of our immediate family and a few friends. And they have been amazing to us in general apart from a few of hubby's siblings who say they will support us but haven't spoken to us in a month (not even to check in on me and I'm 38 weeks pregnant).
It's really hard especially with your children - we don't have adult children and baby will be our first so don't have that to contend with.
We did have a moment of realisation though that we know why he did it (years of abuse leading to an addiction), I love him, he loves me and our baby will be so loved. So if people don't want to be part of our lives then that's on them. My parents have been amazing and my friend and it's been really helpful to have them in the loop. I have got some other best friends who I haven't told as they have children of their own and I'm really scared as to how they will take it and how they will react. One friend is desperate to come and stay with us once my baby is born but I cannot and will not have her and her baby around my husband right now. I absolutely know her baby is safe but I would never ever take that choice away from her by her not knowing. So that's difficult.
I really hope you are feeling better after telling your family you think he did it. How did they react?
can I ask why/ on what grounds your husband is pleading not guilty? My husband is also communication though not inciting anything (awaiting actual charges though!)
sending love.
Hi scaredlamb, so husband confessed to me after 16 weeks of making me believe his phone had been cloned, I have never told my family he has confessed. He will actually plead guilty in court, just thought by saying to my family he is pleading not guilty it kind of still goes along with his initial story. Its all so messed up and I hate I am now carrying the lie on as I feel it is condoning his actions. My family were better than I thought when I told them but have made it perfectly clear they never want to see him again. If I stay with him I will have to lead 2 seperate lives and I really don't feel that is fair on either of us, but on the other hand neither of us want to split up, we have been together 30 years.
I'm so pleased to read your thread and know I'm not alone in this dilemma.
I'm in the exact situation. My husband of 15yrs was sent to prison a few months back due to online sexual communication with a minor (actually an undercover police officer). I'm still in shock. For a man with a clean record, the rehabilitation work he did prior to trial and the fact it was 6 messages on an app, we honestly weren't prepared for a custodial sentence. An article appeared 2 weeks later in the press and lots of friends and family on his side now know (which is truly horrifying) and while most responses have been supportive of me and my little boy, some have been judgemental.
Because my family live 90 miles away and it only appeared in the local press, they actually don't know anything at all. They know we separated last year following 'the knock' but they don't know why we separated. I don't think they'd understand - my husband has mental health issues anyway and they struggled with that, this would be a huge stretch to come to terms with. I know if they find out, it will adversely affect my son for the rest of his life. Every birthday party, Christmas, his wedding - wherever my husband attends, they'd find it hard to be involved.
Living a lie is tough - but I'm not sure what telling them would achieve? It'd be a relief for me, but cause them pain, shame, fear and worry over all the years he had contact with their children, even though I know he didn't do anything wrong. (His online presence was a fantasy, an outlet due to his mental health issues). But they honestly wouldn't understand. I worry they might find out by accident and then be angry with me for not advising them sooner. I think only time will tell as to what the best course of action will be.
I'm in the exact situation. My husband of 15yrs was sent to prison a few months back due to online sexual communication with a minor (actually an undercover police officer). I'm still in shock. For a man with a clean record, the rehabilitation work he did prior to trial and the fact it was 6 messages on an app, we honestly weren't prepared for a custodial sentence. An article appeared 2 weeks later in the press and lots of friends and family on his side now know (which is truly horrifying) and while most responses have been supportive of me and my little boy, some have been judgemental.
Because my family live 90 miles away and it only appeared in the local press, they actually don't know anything at all. They know we separated last year following 'the knock' but they don't know why we separated. I don't think they'd understand - my husband has mental health issues anyway and they struggled with that, this would be a huge stretch to come to terms with. I know if they find out, it will adversely affect my son for the rest of his life. Every birthday party, Christmas, his wedding - wherever my husband attends, they'd find it hard to be involved.
Living a lie is tough - but I'm not sure what telling them would achieve? It'd be a relief for me, but cause them pain, shame, fear and worry over all the years he had contact with their children, even though I know he didn't do anything wrong. (His online presence was a fantasy, an outlet due to his mental health issues). But they honestly wouldn't understand. I worry they might find out by accident and then be angry with me for not advising them sooner. I think only time will tell as to what the best course of action will be.
Bernie, my heart goes out to you. We never asked for any if this, yet we are the only 'punch bag' for family and friends.
Can I ask what the nature of the communication was? Did he arrange to meet/ask for videos or photos? Or was it just fantasy talk? Also where abouts in England do you live? We are in the northwest. I only ask as a custodial sentence seems harsh and I am trying to prepare myself for his upcoming court dates xx
Can I ask what the nature of the communication was? Did he arrange to meet/ask for videos or photos? Or was it just fantasy talk? Also where abouts in England do you live? We are in the northwest. I only ask as a custodial sentence seems harsh and I am trying to prepare myself for his upcoming court dates xx
Bernie, if you are 90 miles away the chances of anyone by you finding out is remote, I find the dishonesty so hard, I am 20 miles away from my partner and when it was in the media only my daughter found out, if she hadn't I wouldn't have told her because of what she is now going through, she is very worried for me, if it ever becomes relevant to my sons life I shall tell him, I think that the lies are necessary if we want to move on, luckily on his SHPO my partner only has Internet restrictions, the SOR restrictions just are overnight stays with under 18s so this I don't believe will be relevant in our lives I would never ever go against, if someone needs to know I would tell them,
MW - exactly, it's something that encompasses the whole family and not just the offender.
It still sticks in my craw a bit that he isn't having to face the music either. I know prison isn't a party but he's insulated from the fall out and utter humiliation going on around me and his family.
I'm based near the north east and communication was via an app. He approached a profile which was an undercover police officer posing as a 13yr old and sent a total of 6 sexually suggestive messages, which included images and a video. He asked for a phone number and the idiot actually called it, but obviously there was no answer. The police didn't try to take it further and entrap him with a meet up, but when it came to court, the judge took the request for a number and attempted call as an indication of intent to pursue it further which increased his risk profile. I think this was the key to why he was sent down and the sentence not suspended. He had been communicating with other women on this app, the exact same scenario but they were all over 18. As far as he was concerned it was all just a fantasy - each conversation, he played a different age and told them he was from different places. He denies ever taking any of the conversations further into real life and there was no evidence on any of his devices to suggest otherwise, but it held no sway at all.
He did appeal the custodial element of the sentence and it was denied but the review judge did comment that it could have gone either way, but the ultimate decision is down to the individual judge on the day as to whether to suspend it.
Emie Lou - I really, really hope so. Unfortunately I've recently found out an 'ex-friend' saw the article and took it upon themselves to share the article amongst our mutual friends and at least 12 people then contacted me directly. I dread to think how many others know, but are too polite to approach me about it.
Apparently there is scope to report this if the behaviour is purposeful to the police, especially as there's an innocent toddler at the heart of it - it's classed as malicious communication or incitement. I'm considering this as an option.
You're right - life has to go on and if a few lies help that happen as painlessly and normally as possible, then I think in this case, it's the way to go.
It still sticks in my craw a bit that he isn't having to face the music either. I know prison isn't a party but he's insulated from the fall out and utter humiliation going on around me and his family.
I'm based near the north east and communication was via an app. He approached a profile which was an undercover police officer posing as a 13yr old and sent a total of 6 sexually suggestive messages, which included images and a video. He asked for a phone number and the idiot actually called it, but obviously there was no answer. The police didn't try to take it further and entrap him with a meet up, but when it came to court, the judge took the request for a number and attempted call as an indication of intent to pursue it further which increased his risk profile. I think this was the key to why he was sent down and the sentence not suspended. He had been communicating with other women on this app, the exact same scenario but they were all over 18. As far as he was concerned it was all just a fantasy - each conversation, he played a different age and told them he was from different places. He denies ever taking any of the conversations further into real life and there was no evidence on any of his devices to suggest otherwise, but it held no sway at all.
He did appeal the custodial element of the sentence and it was denied but the review judge did comment that it could have gone either way, but the ultimate decision is down to the individual judge on the day as to whether to suspend it.
Emie Lou - I really, really hope so. Unfortunately I've recently found out an 'ex-friend' saw the article and took it upon themselves to share the article amongst our mutual friends and at least 12 people then contacted me directly. I dread to think how many others know, but are too polite to approach me about it.
Apparently there is scope to report this if the behaviour is purposeful to the police, especially as there's an innocent toddler at the heart of it - it's classed as malicious communication or incitement. I'm considering this as an option.
You're right - life has to go on and if a few lies help that happen as painlessly and normally as possible, then I think in this case, it's the way to go.
Hi Bernie.
How are you coping with the custodial? How is your OH coping?
Can I ask what the length of the sentence is?
(My husband is RUI for similar offences but not the phone number bit - but did attempt video chatting in the app but didn't connect)
Has the media died down for you now? Have you got some good support around you?
Much love
How are you coping with the custodial? How is your OH coping?
Can I ask what the length of the sentence is?
(My husband is RUI for similar offences but not the phone number bit - but did attempt video chatting in the app but didn't connect)
Has the media died down for you now? Have you got some good support around you?
Much love
Same boat here.
Partner was chatting to others on app and chatted to 13yr old who was a police decoy, stated age but he still chatted. Has said there was sexual inuendos in pics and emojis. He asked for a phone number and rang and spoke to woman. He arranged to meet in other chat but didn't go then left home one morning for work, rang the number again then went to meet and got arrested. Think he's signed his own sentence by the sounds of it.
he says he knew it wasn't a child, a trap but that's easy to say after the event. It leads to so many questions and things I hate to think about. And it's only just begun. Wish I could fast forward or better still turn back time.
Partner was chatting to others on app and chatted to 13yr old who was a police decoy, stated age but he still chatted. Has said there was sexual inuendos in pics and emojis. He asked for a phone number and rang and spoke to woman. He arranged to meet in other chat but didn't go then left home one morning for work, rang the number again then went to meet and got arrested. Think he's signed his own sentence by the sounds of it.
he says he knew it wasn't a child, a trap but that's easy to say after the event. It leads to so many questions and things I hate to think about. And it's only just begun. Wish I could fast forward or better still turn back time.
Hi, what horrible situations we find ourselves in and non of it's through our own fault. My partner got a custodial 2 years for chatting on an app and arranging to meet an undercover police officer. There seems to be a lot of men doing the same thing surely they're not all the dreaded P word. It gets me what the police get out of pretending to be someone underage online trying to entice men, probably an easy arrest. Probably sounds like I'm trying to make excuses for his actions though.
Then it's like we are forced to lie to people about our situations as well as the trauma of it all. It's nearly a year and a half since his arrest and prison (all happened quickly) and I still find myself lying to people who obvs didn't read the local news article.
I've recently changed my job because I wanted to go somewhere where people didn't know about it (not that anyone was nasty all were lovely) but I felt everyone felt sorry for me. Also I worked in retail and my last week someone who knew him was asking how he was, had we got married yet! What do you say to that?? Lied my way through it. Then there's my parents, they knew from the knock but doubt they'd like me still talking to him on the phone. He's still the one I want to talk to though at the end of a crap day, how drafts that, god knows what will happen in the near future when he gets out. Sorry for long rant, take care everyone x
Then it's like we are forced to lie to people about our situations as well as the trauma of it all. It's nearly a year and a half since his arrest and prison (all happened quickly) and I still find myself lying to people who obvs didn't read the local news article.
I've recently changed my job because I wanted to go somewhere where people didn't know about it (not that anyone was nasty all were lovely) but I felt everyone felt sorry for me. Also I worked in retail and my last week someone who knew him was asking how he was, had we got married yet! What do you say to that?? Lied my way through it. Then there's my parents, they knew from the knock but doubt they'd like me still talking to him on the phone. He's still the one I want to talk to though at the end of a crap day, how drafts that, god knows what will happen in the near future when he gets out. Sorry for long rant, take care everyone x
Sorry I didn't reply, got lost in all of this crap.
ScaredLamb - he got 15mths, serving 7.5. 5yr SHPO and 10 years on registry.
It's currently 4am, so I guess that speaks for itself in how I'm doing! Some weeks I breeze through, others, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My toddler keeps me focused though. I have a lot of hurt, humiliation and anger to work through yet, but I'll get there. I have to. I've been working with a counsellor for a while now abd it's helped enormously to have someone completely unrelated and non judgemental to talk to. I can say anything and everything on my mind. It's been hugely cathartic.
I hope everyone else is keeping as well as possible. Really anxious about the festive season though - I suspect it's going to be tough.
ScaredLamb - he got 15mths, serving 7.5. 5yr SHPO and 10 years on registry.
It's currently 4am, so I guess that speaks for itself in how I'm doing! Some weeks I breeze through, others, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My toddler keeps me focused though. I have a lot of hurt, humiliation and anger to work through yet, but I'll get there. I have to. I've been working with a counsellor for a while now abd it's helped enormously to have someone completely unrelated and non judgemental to talk to. I can say anything and everything on my mind. It's been hugely cathartic.
I hope everyone else is keeping as well as possible. Really anxious about the festive season though - I suspect it's going to be tough.
Hi - my goodness how my story relates to yours.
I too live a secret life frightened by a family ultimatum which is like walking a tightrope. I think it's wrong to do this to someone you love.
in my case I can understand their detest and never wanting to see him again (they are worried about their children's safety) BUT it can be done to lead a separate life with me respecting their decision as I'm doing it right now!!!
it is terrible delemma and I understand 100% what you are going through.
hug x
I too live a secret life frightened by a family ultimatum which is like walking a tightrope. I think it's wrong to do this to someone you love.
in my case I can understand their detest and never wanting to see him again (they are worried about their children's safety) BUT it can be done to lead a separate life with me respecting their decision as I'm doing it right now!!!
it is terrible delemma and I understand 100% what you are going through.
hug x