Telling family
Notifications OFF
I told my mum yesterday. Was the hardest thing I've ever done but she could tell I was upset about something. Luckily OK just shocked as she thought she knew the man I married.
My Brother knows and is worried about me and not him (he deserves what he gets my brother and mum says)
I feel a slight sense of relief that the most important people in our lives know now but my god its so hard.
We have been contacted by SW as to protect the 11 week baby I'm holding.
Has anyone else been in my situation especially with a child on the way. I'm dreading being told that he can't see his baby as I know he will be a great dad.
He has opened up more about the interview, it was hard to hear but I'm just glad he told me. He says he can't remember it as he was drunk but we are seaking counselling and help.
14 days post knock and I so over whelmed. Hopefully this post won't go into moderation as know one seems to see my posts ????
My Brother knows and is worried about me and not him (he deserves what he gets my brother and mum says)
I feel a slight sense of relief that the most important people in our lives know now but my god its so hard.
We have been contacted by SW as to protect the 11 week baby I'm holding.
Has anyone else been in my situation especially with a child on the way. I'm dreading being told that he can't see his baby as I know he will be a great dad.
He has opened up more about the interview, it was hard to hear but I'm just glad he told me. He says he can't remember it as he was drunk but we are seaking counselling and help.
14 days post knock and I so over whelmed. Hopefully this post won't go into moderation as know one seems to see my posts ????
Hi Charlene,
we got the knock when I was 32 weeks. So I do have an idea how you feel, and there's another user called Scared Lamb who might be able to help too as she's about to give birth and had the knock when she was about 6 months.
SS will do a pre birth assessment, and they may ask your partner to live separately. For scaredlamb, her SW has been great and she is allowed her partner at the birth and home afterwards. It's different for me, my partner was allowed there but supervised by my mum and he's not been allowed to live with us. My daughter is nearly 4 months old and gets contact three times a week with her father - it's tough but is slowly moving forward.
The only advice I can offer is to take each day as it comes. I would look at a list of those that could supervise contact eg. Your mum, as it's unlikely that SS will approve you on first instance. This is so they can see and assess your protective capacity - which you know how to do, but they need time and evidence!
Also have a look into some courses. The inform course by Stop It Now is really helpful, and there's others via Mazimise Training and NSPCC.
I promise it does get better xx
we got the knock when I was 32 weeks. So I do have an idea how you feel, and there's another user called Scared Lamb who might be able to help too as she's about to give birth and had the knock when she was about 6 months.
SS will do a pre birth assessment, and they may ask your partner to live separately. For scaredlamb, her SW has been great and she is allowed her partner at the birth and home afterwards. It's different for me, my partner was allowed there but supervised by my mum and he's not been allowed to live with us. My daughter is nearly 4 months old and gets contact three times a week with her father - it's tough but is slowly moving forward.
The only advice I can offer is to take each day as it comes. I would look at a list of those that could supervise contact eg. Your mum, as it's unlikely that SS will approve you on first instance. This is so they can see and assess your protective capacity - which you know how to do, but they need time and evidence!
Also have a look into some courses. The inform course by Stop It Now is really helpful, and there's others via Mazimise Training and NSPCC.
I promise it does get better xx
Hi both.
As pregnant & scared says I was around 6 months pregnant when we got the knock. As I write today I am 38 weeks pregnant and ready to pop!
We have been exceptionally lucky with our social workers and Local authorities. I think being earlier in your pregnancy will work well for you as you have plenty of time to get things in place and hopefully work towards what you want. However, just keep in mind there is no standard response across local authorities or social workers. We have been lucky first and foremost.
My husband is going to be allowed at the birth of our baby and hasn't got to move out ect. This is all dependent on the investigation with the police and could change at any point - but at the moment due to the safety plan we created and shared with SS we are allowed to carry on. It also helps he has been able to complete 10 hours so far of therapy and demonstrates that he is remorseful and doing training ect. So it's clear he is doing everything he can before baby arrives.
I have also done some courses to prove I can be protective. I would do as much as you can and make sure you speak to the social workers about how when baby is born they will be your main priority and that their protection is more important than your marriage. Also never ever say your husband isn't a risk to your child.
My biggest piece of advise is be proactive. Do a lot of research- wrote it all down and show SS. Express your wishes to have partner at birth/ home if that is what you want. And create a very detailed safety plan as to how you will keep baby safe when they arrive. This is what saved us. We were told without our plan and engagement with social services my husband would have to move out and we would be on child protection plan. As it is we are on a child in need plan and it's all very friendly. I had a Child in need meeting today actually and our plan from social services is basically to carry on as we are with our safety plan. The idea for us is that if the police investigation comes back with nothing else they will keep us on our plan but maybe soften it a little (it's really strict in terms of husband not having even 5 minutes alone with baby, no nappy changes, baths ect) and then close case for now. If the police investigation comes back with anything husband hasn't disclosed ect then we will probably face stricter measures and he may have to move out. But we will see!
Any advise you need please reach out. It's a crappy thing to go through especially while pregnant but it absolutely can be OK.
As pregnant & scared says I was around 6 months pregnant when we got the knock. As I write today I am 38 weeks pregnant and ready to pop!
We have been exceptionally lucky with our social workers and Local authorities. I think being earlier in your pregnancy will work well for you as you have plenty of time to get things in place and hopefully work towards what you want. However, just keep in mind there is no standard response across local authorities or social workers. We have been lucky first and foremost.
My husband is going to be allowed at the birth of our baby and hasn't got to move out ect. This is all dependent on the investigation with the police and could change at any point - but at the moment due to the safety plan we created and shared with SS we are allowed to carry on. It also helps he has been able to complete 10 hours so far of therapy and demonstrates that he is remorseful and doing training ect. So it's clear he is doing everything he can before baby arrives.
I have also done some courses to prove I can be protective. I would do as much as you can and make sure you speak to the social workers about how when baby is born they will be your main priority and that their protection is more important than your marriage. Also never ever say your husband isn't a risk to your child.
My biggest piece of advise is be proactive. Do a lot of research- wrote it all down and show SS. Express your wishes to have partner at birth/ home if that is what you want. And create a very detailed safety plan as to how you will keep baby safe when they arrive. This is what saved us. We were told without our plan and engagement with social services my husband would have to move out and we would be on child protection plan. As it is we are on a child in need plan and it's all very friendly. I had a Child in need meeting today actually and our plan from social services is basically to carry on as we are with our safety plan. The idea for us is that if the police investigation comes back with nothing else they will keep us on our plan but maybe soften it a little (it's really strict in terms of husband not having even 5 minutes alone with baby, no nappy changes, baths ect) and then close case for now. If the police investigation comes back with anything husband hasn't disclosed ect then we will probably face stricter measures and he may have to move out. But we will see!
Any advise you need please reach out. It's a crappy thing to go through especially while pregnant but it absolutely can be OK.
Thankyou both,
How did you write your safety plan and what sorts of things did you write down?. Did you also just write it on plain paper or is there a document you used.
I have been waiting for this baby for 6 years, 2 misscarriages before this one.
I really want hubby there at the birth and to not have to move out so all the help is well appreciated
How did you write your safety plan and what sorts of things did you write down?. Did you also just write it on plain paper or is there a document you used.
I have been waiting for this baby for 6 years, 2 misscarriages before this one.
I really want hubby there at the birth and to not have to move out so all the help is well appreciated
Hi
I did my safety plan on a blank word document then emailed it in. It is tricky as there are loads of examples out there but generally revolve around slightly older kids. But mine is obviously for a baby too.
I had the following sections
Opening statement:
outlined my desires and what I wanted but also said about my level of understanding of the risk and how I intended the plan to mitigate all of those risks.
Safety plan then has the following:
No unsupervised assess:
This was listed out as to what that would mean practically in terms of: daily care (nappies and bath times he wouldn't be allowed) how I would manage to ensure no unsupervised (take baby to toilet with me or hubby come with me so not alone with baby, bedtime (baby to sleep next to me in bedside crib and wear a snuzza hero devise that monitors breathing but also alarms if taken off).
Support: who would be there to look after baby in emergency/ I had somewhere to go and couldn't take baby with me. Their names, addresses and general availability. (Note I had to tell each one of these people everything about the offences and the plan so make sure it's people you trust).
Emergency :
statement to say I knew who to contact if I had concerns about hubby and where me and baby could escape to (I have own car and access to money ect).
Internet and devises:
what steps we have in place for safe internet and devise use (parental controls ect).
Training and recovery:
The training and recovery steps that you are taking (courses for you and any therapy of courses for hubby)
Review:
when I would want to review (police investigation over or when baby moves to own room as need to make changes then).
that's the main bits I think of the plan!
In regards to the birth, speak with your midwife at your next appointment. Tell her/him everything that is going on and of your desire to have him at birth. They will inform the safeguarding midwife and plans can be put into place if needed and they can work with social services to get you what you need for a safe birth.
Make sure you speak to the social worker to express your concern for wanting to keep baby safe but also your wishes to have a robust plan so that he can stay at home with you- mention "emotional development" being important and you feel it's in the best interest of baby to have both parents ect. Ask them if there are any course they provide for safeguarding and protective parenting. Be proactive and try to stay a few steps ahead. You have loads of time left to get things in order and do all the courses ect. And ask them to do a risk assessment on hubby once the police investigation is concluded - this will show you understand there is a risk and want professional guidance on it ect.
any questions let me know! Congratulations on your baby. Let that little bundle be your guiding light through this - your ray of hope. Our little girl will be having the middle name Hope - because she is what is getting us through all this!
I did my safety plan on a blank word document then emailed it in. It is tricky as there are loads of examples out there but generally revolve around slightly older kids. But mine is obviously for a baby too.
I had the following sections
Opening statement:
outlined my desires and what I wanted but also said about my level of understanding of the risk and how I intended the plan to mitigate all of those risks.
Safety plan then has the following:
No unsupervised assess:
This was listed out as to what that would mean practically in terms of: daily care (nappies and bath times he wouldn't be allowed) how I would manage to ensure no unsupervised (take baby to toilet with me or hubby come with me so not alone with baby, bedtime (baby to sleep next to me in bedside crib and wear a snuzza hero devise that monitors breathing but also alarms if taken off).
Support: who would be there to look after baby in emergency/ I had somewhere to go and couldn't take baby with me. Their names, addresses and general availability. (Note I had to tell each one of these people everything about the offences and the plan so make sure it's people you trust).
Emergency :
statement to say I knew who to contact if I had concerns about hubby and where me and baby could escape to (I have own car and access to money ect).
Internet and devises:
what steps we have in place for safe internet and devise use (parental controls ect).
Training and recovery:
The training and recovery steps that you are taking (courses for you and any therapy of courses for hubby)
Review:
when I would want to review (police investigation over or when baby moves to own room as need to make changes then).
that's the main bits I think of the plan!
In regards to the birth, speak with your midwife at your next appointment. Tell her/him everything that is going on and of your desire to have him at birth. They will inform the safeguarding midwife and plans can be put into place if needed and they can work with social services to get you what you need for a safe birth.
Make sure you speak to the social worker to express your concern for wanting to keep baby safe but also your wishes to have a robust plan so that he can stay at home with you- mention "emotional development" being important and you feel it's in the best interest of baby to have both parents ect. Ask them if there are any course they provide for safeguarding and protective parenting. Be proactive and try to stay a few steps ahead. You have loads of time left to get things in order and do all the courses ect. And ask them to do a risk assessment on hubby once the police investigation is concluded - this will show you understand there is a risk and want professional guidance on it ect.
any questions let me know! Congratulations on your baby. Let that little bundle be your guiding light through this - your ray of hope. Our little girl will be having the middle name Hope - because she is what is getting us through all this!
Thankyou so much scaredlamb.
I will take all your advice and complete my own plan. We have our first SW meeting next week so I want to be fully prepared for everything and anything.
I will take all your advice and complete my own plan. We have our first SW meeting next week so I want to be fully prepared for everything and anything.
No problem!
I was also given some advise from the family rights group prior to our first meeting. Give them a ring.
Theu said to imagine that I was sat against a wall of a long room. To the left at the far end was hubby and the baby was at far right. If I was talking about husband fo social workers then I had to look at him - if I was looking at him I wasn't looking at baby. Obviously you need to be "looking at baby" the whole time. Or in other words. When you speak to SS make everything in context of the baby - so you are always showing you are looking at them. Helped me frame my responses in my meeting.
Good luck xx
I was also given some advise from the family rights group prior to our first meeting. Give them a ring.
Theu said to imagine that I was sat against a wall of a long room. To the left at the far end was hubby and the baby was at far right. If I was talking about husband fo social workers then I had to look at him - if I was looking at him I wasn't looking at baby. Obviously you need to be "looking at baby" the whole time. Or in other words. When you speak to SS make everything in context of the baby - so you are always showing you are looking at them. Helped me frame my responses in my meeting.
Good luck xx
Visit went OK I think.
Was expecting a trunchable type of women to knock on my door instead it was a small really sweet young women.
She was nice and said that she would probably say we need a CIN plan but I don't know yet.
Have to wait and see what she suggests
Was expecting a trunchable type of women to knock on my door instead it was a small really sweet young women.
She was nice and said that she would probably say we need a CIN plan but I don't know yet.
Have to wait and see what she suggests
So had the worst news of my life today (I hate this year so much)
We lost the baby, went for our 12 week scan and we saw a healthy little baby with no heart beat.
I had a missed misscarriage. COME ON 2021 WHAT ELSE CAN YOU GIVE ME?!!!
1 death of my dad. 2 first misscarriage. 3 husband is arrested. 4 mum is seriously ill and now to top it off 5 another misscarriage.
Atleast SS can back off now and they can stop ringing me asking when my husband is leaving the home.
How is everyone else's 2021 going?
We lost the baby, went for our 12 week scan and we saw a healthy little baby with no heart beat.
I had a missed misscarriage. COME ON 2021 WHAT ELSE CAN YOU GIVE ME?!!!
1 death of my dad. 2 first misscarriage. 3 husband is arrested. 4 mum is seriously ill and now to top it off 5 another misscarriage.
Atleast SS can back off now and they can stop ringing me asking when my husband is leaving the home.
How is everyone else's 2021 going?
I'm so sorry for your loss Charlene.
I know it's of little comfort but sending love and strength your way.
One step at a time, one day at a time and this awful year and awful times will pass. Better and brighter times will come and you can and will get through this
Do you have support around you?
Try, if you can, to take some time for self care
Lots of love xxx
I know it's of little comfort but sending love and strength your way.
One step at a time, one day at a time and this awful year and awful times will pass. Better and brighter times will come and you can and will get through this
Do you have support around you?
Try, if you can, to take some time for self care
Lots of love xxx
Charlene
I am sure we all just want to put our arms around you, send our love and take the hurt away. Please make sure you don't bottle up these extreme losses. Keep talking. If you don't have anyone within your family or friendship circle there are helplines where you can just offload. Or there is here of course. Sometimes these are better than our nearest and dearest because they won't tell you what to do. Your doctor may be of help if you wish to be referred for counselling or feel you need some medication as a temporary support.
Warmest wishes
I am sure we all just want to put our arms around you, send our love and take the hurt away. Please make sure you don't bottle up these extreme losses. Keep talking. If you don't have anyone within your family or friendship circle there are helplines where you can just offload. Or there is here of course. Sometimes these are better than our nearest and dearest because they won't tell you what to do. Your doctor may be of help if you wish to be referred for counselling or feel you need some medication as a temporary support.
Warmest wishes
Charlene I am so sorry for your loss. Even one of those sad events is too much and to have so much to cope with all in one go is such an awful lot. I hope to you have someone to talk to - I've found counseling very useful. Thinking of you xxx
Hi
I'm so so so sorry for your loss. Life really is very unfair. I'm so hopeful that brighter days are to come for you. Please look after yourself.
I'm so so so sorry for your loss. Life really is very unfair. I'm so hopeful that brighter days are to come for you. Please look after yourself.
We are completely devastated about the news. My family only care about me and believe that my husband is the reason for the loss as the amount of stress I've been under.
I need to tell my sister soon as we were holding back till she had her new baby but I know she will be the worst of all my family.
My husband and my family used to get along so well and I can't help still talking about him and what we have been up to but I can see the look of disappointment in there eyes.
I feel like there going to make me choose between them soon, but I can't do it.
I have good days and then I have major down days when I see my family. I have only seen my mum as I can't fave seeing my siblings yet.
Please tell me I'm not alone, as I feel as though I am in this all by myself
I need to tell my sister soon as we were holding back till she had her new baby but I know she will be the worst of all my family.
My husband and my family used to get along so well and I can't help still talking about him and what we have been up to but I can see the look of disappointment in there eyes.
I feel like there going to make me choose between them soon, but I can't do it.
I have good days and then I have major down days when I see my family. I have only seen my mum as I can't fave seeing my siblings yet.
Please tell me I'm not alone, as I feel as though I am in this all by myself
Hi charlene1993,
I am so sorry for ur loss sending love and hugs to u xxxx
I am so sorry for ur loss sending love and hugs to u xxxx