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Telling friends - what would you do?

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Jaded

Member since
December 2018

202 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 11:03amReport post

Happy Sunday morning to you all.

I have a situation, mostly in my head but....

All our local friends know what’s happened to us. Some have remained close, those who haven’t, yes it hurts like hell but we live with it.

However we have friends from the other side of the country who we love. We don’t see them often but we keep in touch via text and a couple of times a year we physically meet up. We have great times.

They’ve never said anything to us about knowing what’s happened and we haven’t told them. So I’m not sure if they know or not and he’s a retired police officer, she works in child health.

So the question is do we tell them or do we value our privacy and just carry on as before. I guess I’m worried about losing them as friends and/or changing the nature of our friendship. I feel we are deceiving them but we also want to put this behind us.

There has been very bad local press and stuff on Facebook about us so just a Google of our names will show up horrible things.

What would you do?

Jaded x

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

181 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 12:14pmReport post

Yes - I agree. This is one of the things I struggle with too. So much depends on how well you know them but good advice from poster on how to approach it is you do decide to tell. I also don’t like the feeling that I am burdening others with my problems but I know if it was one of my friends in my situation I would want to be there for them. I have told very few people but there is a part of me that wishes I could just be open with everyone. I hate this feeling that I am deceiving people I love and respect. Probably not much help at all to you I know but nothing in this situation is very straightforward is it? X

Edited by moderator Wed July 8, 2020 1:52pm

Jaded

Member since
December 2018

202 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 2:16pmReport post

Thanks both,

In my heart I know we should tell them. I feel it out of a sense of respect to them. I'll have to work out where and when. I feel a fraud when we talk about work, they know what we both did and now don't do for a living, they must wonder what's really gone on. I also feel its deceitful. It's not a career you just drop, you must have been pushed rather than you've jumped. There's also a likelihood they'll read something online, our Facebook troll remains alive and kicking sadly.

I don't want to ring them to say it but I also want to do it before we're invited to stay at theirs again (we take it in turns but occasionally stay at hotels mid point)

It is a roll of the dice. I know they love and miss us too living so far apart but would they love us if they know what's happened? I guess it's time we found out :-(

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 2:49pmReport post

Hi jaded,

i personally would be led by him, it’s his private information about a difficult time in his past, which he sounds like he overcame and grew from. If he is comfortable sharing it with these friends that you value I would give it ago. Maybe face to face.

if not it’s okay too, I value my friends right to privacy I wouldn’t be annoyed if anyone chose not to disclose private information about their past, you wouldn’t have to share with everyone what your sexual orientation is or if you have an illness sometimes it’s perfectly okay to be private.

if there your friends they love you and hopefully can see there is more to his past than a media portal of the offence.

its completely your choice with your partner? Neither is right or wrong.

Big sigh

Member since
December 2018

244 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 7:19pmReport post

Hi Jaded

perhaps they already know ? Also your partner did not get convicted of anything so what is there to tell?

You always give such good advice on here, I’m sure you will make the best decision for you on this one. X

Jaded

Member since
December 2018

202 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 9:45pmReport post

Yes Bethlou, I get what you mean, it’s his information and privacy, I’ve absorbed far too much of this into my own conscience over the years.



Big Sigh, yes the case was dropped by the CPS and they offered no evidence to the court. That didn’t stop the police at that point though, they even added ‘evidence’ after the court stuff was over (I’m sure that’s illegal) just to ensure they totally destroyed us. And yes, I think they probably know, but I just feel the need to explain to friends who we think so much of.

This is another ongoing downside of this mess, the shame hangs around you for years after. Shame is an such an awful emotion.

Ninjapanda

Member since
February 2019

18 posts

Posted Tue March 5, 2019 7:14pmReport post

I told someone one of my friends that my bf was on the SOR for viewing indecent images and she decided that without hearing the whole story that I'm sick and a discussing person because I'm supporting my partner to change and fix our lives I've had 2 days of abuse and now the worst thing is that I feel like I have betrayed him by telling her



I'm quite sure I won't make this mistake again worst feeling ever

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Tue March 5, 2019 8:54pmReport post

I am sorry that you had that experience. I know how brave you have to be each time to speak out. People can have views but you know your partner best. If she isn’t willing to listen to two sides of the experience she will never listen.

its also not her fault the media really criminalises people it’s awfully sad. There is a different between a contact offence and looking at indecent images. Both are wrong but I feel the risks are different and each case needs to be understood separately.



do you have supportive people around you?

In terms of my views I am only telling people on a need to know basis at the moment but have a plan if I need to share ( if he is charged before court)

stay strong, some people are not going to be able to accept the situation but others are. I hope next time you speak out your lucky.

Xxx

Betty

Member since
February 2019

38 posts

Posted Wed March 6, 2019 6:23pmReport post

Due to where I work, the police advised me to tell my manager. I have two jobs in the same place and told both of my managers. One of them told her manager who told her manager. I am not sure what my other manager did in terms of telling anyone else. But then the police rang my place of work and told a completely different manager all about it - one that I am not linked with. I made a decision following all of that to tell my closest colleague. She was very good as it is a shocking thing to tell someone. We've all had to time to start to get our heads around it but they are hearing for the first time. I'm glad that I did it. I haven't told any of my friends yet but I'm dreading it to say the least. I think I know how some of them will react but who knows.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Wed March 6, 2019 7:29pmReport post

Betty,

i am struggling too. I am finding I need great strength every time I reach out, I told my manager first. And they were supportive. I 3months later told my sister. She was also good but asked me ‘when I am divorcing my husband’’ she also asks lots of intense questions about it.

To be honest I don’t know the answers too myself.

i have not had any negative reactions yet but it’s taking a lot out of me emotionally to let people know.

I have still lots of people to tell especially if it gets to the press but I am not telling everyone until I need too and if I do. The police advised me it’s a need to know basis at the time.

xxx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Wed March 6, 2019 7:34pmReport post

It seems unfair that they told a different manager for you, I would not be happy about That.

What’s infuriating is it’s their business ( our partners) why on earth do they need to tell our work place. I am still off work. I do plan on going back soon but there is delays in this. I hope they still want me back and not using this information against me. Xx

Betty

Member since
February 2019

38 posts

Posted Thu March 7, 2019 7:19amReport post

Well I hope you get back to work soon Bethlou and all is well. I wasn't happy about the third manager being told but what can you do. And I agree it isn't us either. Mine was my son who doesn't live with me but the police labelled it safeguarding. I'm only 4 weeks in and by local press coverage I think it will December when/if he is in court. I am clinging onto the hope that he may not get charged but I'm being realistic too.