Warning signs
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Hey,
I was just wondering if there are warning signs or trends amongst anyone's partner/family member etc in which looking back in hindsight were telling of a future offence.
The reason I ask this is my other half who is UI for communication with a 15 year old who he didn't know was 15 has never given me any inklings he would ever be attracted to a minor. I know his type of porn preference to be bigger women and he appreciates voluptuous women. He hasn't actually watched porn since we've been together as we are rather 'active'. He also commented a few times when coming across vigilante posts on social media how they deserved it and had no sympathy for them while my empath self always felt sorry for the families (I think he might have some sympathy now!) Whereas my previous ex who I got with at 15 and he was 20 had kinks for me dressing up as a school girl, liked very petite girls when watching porn and his girlfriends after me have only gotten younger and younger so looking at that it wouldn't surprise me if he ever got arrested for something involving minors. Sorry if this is a bit graphic but also my current partner would immediately stop and be caring if he caused me any type of pain during sex whereas my previous partner would get a thrill from it. Am I being naiive and looking at all of this as indicative of being a potential threat or has anyone else got similar experiences?
I think the most common misconception about being a part of this wonderful group we're in is we're all middle aged, in a sexless marriage and the offenders are evil. From what I've seen so far that isn't the case at all so thought it'd be interesting to see if anyone else has any thoughts on "signs".
Sending strength and love to all x
I was just wondering if there are warning signs or trends amongst anyone's partner/family member etc in which looking back in hindsight were telling of a future offence.
The reason I ask this is my other half who is UI for communication with a 15 year old who he didn't know was 15 has never given me any inklings he would ever be attracted to a minor. I know his type of porn preference to be bigger women and he appreciates voluptuous women. He hasn't actually watched porn since we've been together as we are rather 'active'. He also commented a few times when coming across vigilante posts on social media how they deserved it and had no sympathy for them while my empath self always felt sorry for the families (I think he might have some sympathy now!) Whereas my previous ex who I got with at 15 and he was 20 had kinks for me dressing up as a school girl, liked very petite girls when watching porn and his girlfriends after me have only gotten younger and younger so looking at that it wouldn't surprise me if he ever got arrested for something involving minors. Sorry if this is a bit graphic but also my current partner would immediately stop and be caring if he caused me any type of pain during sex whereas my previous partner would get a thrill from it. Am I being naiive and looking at all of this as indicative of being a potential threat or has anyone else got similar experiences?
I think the most common misconception about being a part of this wonderful group we're in is we're all middle aged, in a sexless marriage and the offenders are evil. From what I've seen so far that isn't the case at all so thought it'd be interesting to see if anyone else has any thoughts on "signs".
Sending strength and love to all x
Hi
I think it's a difficult one. My husband has never and still never has shown any attraction to children snd I dont think it's about that. He is also RUI for communication.
For him this has come from as a child he was abused physically then as a young teen he was encouraged to expose himself online a few times. He got a thrill from that (he only now after therapy understand this was also abuse) and continued to find people to watch him masterbate his entire life since. This was a huge addiction to attention and sex that being in a loving relationship with lots of sex couldn't stop. Because it's a totally different thing I think.
My husband had always always talked to older ladies but as he was getting more stressed with work and more depressed with other things he went online more and more to get that buzz and tried never to show his mental health at home (looking back I see the signs of stress and depression but didn't at the time - I feel horribly guilty about that). As he was going online more he started to cast his net wider to try to find people to watch - I can't imagine it was easy to get the attention. It was then that he clicked on a profile saying over 18 and because he was getting what his addiction wanted he didn't stop when they said their age was younger (police decoys).
So. In answer, the signs may have been stress and depression but I would never have known it would be causing what it did. He doesn't have an attraction to children - he never asked for pics ect from anyone. It was selfish and one way for him. He didn't care at that point what pair of eyes were watching him. So there would never have been any signs of that for me to pick up on.
I think it's a difficult one. My husband has never and still never has shown any attraction to children snd I dont think it's about that. He is also RUI for communication.
For him this has come from as a child he was abused physically then as a young teen he was encouraged to expose himself online a few times. He got a thrill from that (he only now after therapy understand this was also abuse) and continued to find people to watch him masterbate his entire life since. This was a huge addiction to attention and sex that being in a loving relationship with lots of sex couldn't stop. Because it's a totally different thing I think.
My husband had always always talked to older ladies but as he was getting more stressed with work and more depressed with other things he went online more and more to get that buzz and tried never to show his mental health at home (looking back I see the signs of stress and depression but didn't at the time - I feel horribly guilty about that). As he was going online more he started to cast his net wider to try to find people to watch - I can't imagine it was easy to get the attention. It was then that he clicked on a profile saying over 18 and because he was getting what his addiction wanted he didn't stop when they said their age was younger (police decoys).
So. In answer, the signs may have been stress and depression but I would never have known it would be causing what it did. He doesn't have an attraction to children - he never asked for pics ect from anyone. It was selfish and one way for him. He didn't care at that point what pair of eyes were watching him. So there would never have been any signs of that for me to pick up on.
Hi ScaredLamb,
Thank you for responding. This is something that I never considered but have heard about loosely in the past in regards to having suffered abuse themselves. It really is awful and this whole process doesn't help anything at all particularly when it doesn't feel as though they're a danger to anyone.
I hope you both are being supported and find some peace <3
Thank you for responding. This is something that I never considered but have heard about loosely in the past in regards to having suffered abuse themselves. It really is awful and this whole process doesn't help anything at all particularly when it doesn't feel as though they're a danger to anyone.
I hope you both are being supported and find some peace <3
I never saw any warning signs at the time but looking back I saw he was becoming more withdrawn. Suddenly having to work from home throughout the pandemic certainly didn't help as it added to the isolation and opportunity to go on line. My husband has been charged with communication, however he has always stated it was never anything to do with the person's age, more the chat and engagement in chat. I just think he fell into a really dark hole and didn't necessarily realise his behaviour was getting out of control.
I was wasn't with my partner at the time of his offending but he has told me what led him to iioc, triggers and his behaviours.
It is hard to pin point as to why. He wasn't abused, he basically got a kick out of taboo topics. Started with normal porn but got 'boring'. He has a general reckless behaviour I guess- pushing the boundaries.
Triggers was stress, wanting escapism - all a fantasy. He also felt insecure. Online he could be anyone and get the sexual attention he wanted. He also was a closeted bisexual man, who likes older men. He would pose as young teens to get attention.
The behaviours was that he mostly offended at night. Telling his ex he needed to stay up late for work, that he was going to do some chores, and waited for her to be asleep.
It is so hard to spot the warning signs- it isn't well known knowledge and many people would not even suspect or contemplate their partner viewing such things.
My partner claims he doesn't have an attraction to children and that he never wanted to act on it. I may never know the truth because I can't see into his head. For me as long as he doesn't act on it then that is all I can ask for really....
It is hard to pin point as to why. He wasn't abused, he basically got a kick out of taboo topics. Started with normal porn but got 'boring'. He has a general reckless behaviour I guess- pushing the boundaries.
Triggers was stress, wanting escapism - all a fantasy. He also felt insecure. Online he could be anyone and get the sexual attention he wanted. He also was a closeted bisexual man, who likes older men. He would pose as young teens to get attention.
The behaviours was that he mostly offended at night. Telling his ex he needed to stay up late for work, that he was going to do some chores, and waited for her to be asleep.
It is so hard to spot the warning signs- it isn't well known knowledge and many people would not even suspect or contemplate their partner viewing such things.
My partner claims he doesn't have an attraction to children and that he never wanted to act on it. I may never know the truth because I can't see into his head. For me as long as he doesn't act on it then that is all I can ask for really....