Ups and Down in Understanding
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Sometimes I feel like I understand what happened, can separate it from who my partner is as a person, and am ready to move forward in our relationship. Other times I feel less understanding and wonder if I'll ever fully move past it. In these downs, I struggle to let go of the black and white way of thinking that I have always had when it came to this issue: "if you look at these kinds of images, there must be an attraction and you are a bad person." It's what I grew up "knowing." It's what movies, tv shows, social media, the news, and my own friends and family says is true. It's hard to change that ingrained belief--to open up room all the grays in between the black and white. I already had a tendency toward black and white thinking before my partner told me what had happened. Understanding and forgiveness has been a process I'm still working through. I just hope it doesn't take forever.
Hi purplepen22, I feel exactly the same. I try so hard to understand, and I think I do a little, but it really doesn't help when close family don't want to understand and regularly brand him with the 'P' word. My husband fell into the dark hole if chat rooms, he never asked for pics/videos or meet ups. It's so very hard trying to keep everyone happy, it's totally exhausted me. I need to try and jyst look after myself and my daughters and everyone else, and their opinions, can jog on....... Easier said than done though.
Mw, yes it is SO hard to actually not care what other people think. I think I'll be working towards that goal for a long time. Thank you for responding--it helps to know I'm not alone in these ups and downs.
Purplepen I too struggle, some days I'm ok and think we'll get through it and others I just want to end everything and not deal with his mistake.
He was using over 18 online chat rooms and that in itself really hurts without the communication offense with a minor, like I wasn't providing something, to know he has sat messaging people whilst me and the children slept kills me. I'm not sure if I could endure it if not for our children and I'm not entirely sure I can anyway, time will tell I suppose.
He was using over 18 online chat rooms and that in itself really hurts without the communication offense with a minor, like I wasn't providing something, to know he has sat messaging people whilst me and the children slept kills me. I'm not sure if I could endure it if not for our children and I'm not entirely sure I can anyway, time will tell I suppose.
Purplepen22, I have recently read the book Sex Addict-a partners perspective by Paula Hall..... Its really worth a read. It has helped me understand what has happened is by no means a reflection on our marriage. It akso good for your husband/partner to read so they understand how it has impacted on you.
I have decided to take a step back from my parents. It wasn't doing me any good trying to please everyone. I've finally realised I need to look after myself and do what feels right fir me and no one else.
I have decided to take a step back from my parents. It wasn't doing me any good trying to please everyone. I've finally realised I need to look after myself and do what feels right fir me and no one else.
I think that if you'd have said to me before this happened I would stay with someone who had done this I wouldn't have believed you, in life its easy to judge until you are that person living that persond life, do what you want to do for you noone else sending love
Wow actually helpful to know I'm not alone in this thought process and also not the only one thinking of staying. Sometimes I feel crazy for wanting it. Like many I thought my first thought would be to leave. I'll be looking up that book and those clips sound helpful
I anticipate staying with my husband, though sometimes it is very difficult to feel love in my heart.
We have both spoken with a psychotherapist; my husband has done a fair bit of work with her about his addiction to pornography, and I've had two sessions just so she has an idea of who I am, how I'm coping etc. We have agreed to do some couples work with her after sentencing (possibility of custodial) and that will be very challenging.
I wouldn't still be with my husband if I thought of him as a bad person. He's done a bad thing but that is not all he is. We have known each other since childhood, been married over 30 years and coming up to retirement. This experience was.not on the bucket list and life will be a new kind of normal but hopefully there will still be good times to come.
We have both spoken with a psychotherapist; my husband has done a fair bit of work with her about his addiction to pornography, and I've had two sessions just so she has an idea of who I am, how I'm coping etc. We have agreed to do some couples work with her after sentencing (possibility of custodial) and that will be very challenging.
I wouldn't still be with my husband if I thought of him as a bad person. He's done a bad thing but that is not all he is. We have known each other since childhood, been married over 30 years and coming up to retirement. This experience was.not on the bucket list and life will be a new kind of normal but hopefully there will still be good times to come.
Thank you everyone for responding. It really helps in making me feel less alone in this emotional roller coaster and feelings of wanting to work through this as a couple and also wanting to feel like I'm doing the "right" thing. I will definitely be getting that book and watching that recommended video.
I feel the same way. I honestly thought it was just me. I go back and forth everyday. I'm so certain of my feelings when I think I can do this with him, equally certain when I'm sure I can't. I just want this roller coaster ride to end.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. It'd nice to know I'm not simply losing my mind.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. It'd nice to know I'm not simply losing my mind.
Lee do you have to pay to stream the videos you mentioned, managed to watch the trailer then its asking me to make an account to watch the full films.
Anne Marie, I feel the same.
One day I hate his guts, the next day I realise I'm still in love. I don't know whether to stay or leave. I know I don't want to still feel like this in a years time.
I still don't understand why, neither does he yet - what if he never works it out?
I'm scared what the future holds. Scared what people think. Scared of media. Scared of him losing his job and not being able to get another. I feel I have a ball and chain round my neck carrying on for our childrens sake. I'm a very black or white person so it's so hard to admit it's much more complex
One day I hate his guts, the next day I realise I'm still in love. I don't know whether to stay or leave. I know I don't want to still feel like this in a years time.
I still don't understand why, neither does he yet - what if he never works it out?
I'm scared what the future holds. Scared what people think. Scared of media. Scared of him losing his job and not being able to get another. I feel I have a ball and chain round my neck carrying on for our childrens sake. I'm a very black or white person so it's so hard to admit it's much more complex
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Sorry smile didn't get a chance to read before you deleted. May I ask why you delete most of your posts? X
Hi - yes sorry, guess I'm just terrified of someone finding out who I am - esp family members xxxxxx it wouldn't be hard to put two and two together as I tell my story.....,
I understand big hugs x