New to this, feeling alone and struggling to cope
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Hi everyone,
I’m fairly new to all this and haven’t really had the courage to speak about this all yet. I almost am unsure still what I want to say so I apologise if this doesn’t make much sense I just need to write it down. 7 weeks ago my boyfriend got the knock. Since then it has been a Rollercoasters of emotions. He is out on bail and early on I met with him to speak about the how’s and whys, but I really was struggling at the time to know what to ask him. He has answered all my questions honestly and has made me feel like I can ask him anything. He got himself into an awful hole due to his mental health and extremely challenging job. He got an addiction with porn that lead him to these chat rooms and feels completely disgusted with himself, suicidal and I’ve never seen him this way. He’s getting help and speaking to people now. I know that what he’s done is wrong but know he never meant to end up there and wouldn’t do it again. I want to stay with him and support him because I love him and weeks on I have days I completely forget what has happened because I don’t see him any differently. I live with my parents still and that’s where I’m really struggling the most. They don’t want me to see him or have any contact with him. When they found out I had seen him they went mad at me and threatened with kicking me out and have never been the easiest people to speak to about things. They forced me to block his number and have always had some control over me although I am an adult I find it very difficult to stand up for myself and they’ve made it almost impossible. I am having to lie to them and hide the fact I am still contacting him because I can’t cope with the upset of it all and even though he’s done this he is still the only person I feel like I could go to about anything and make me feel better. But I know me sneaking around is affecting both his and my mental health. He also doesn’t live super close to me so I can’t see him at the minute as when I leave the house my parents want to know where I’m going (which they’ve always done) but I can’t find an excuse to leave good enough to be able to see him. They are being very narrow minded about the situation which I guess for most people is just how they think until someone they love or are close to does something like this, but they just don’t want to even try understand. They are now acting like everything is okay as if nothing has happened which in one way is good but I feel like I’m constantly on egg shells and scared of them finding out I’m still with him and in contact. Im really unsure what to do and if I’m doing the right thing. I feel this guilt lying to them but at the same time telling them isn’t an option if I want to stay with him… but how long can this last this way. I feel like I’m constantly battling my mental health and trying to stay strong for him and pretending to my parents and feeling like piggy in the middle I’m starting to crack. I know what I want which is to stay with him I just don’t know how I’m going to achieve it as it feels so impossible with my parents standing in the way. Im really sorry for rambling on but I feel so alone and seeing everyone else’s messages has gave me the courage to finally say something myself x
I’m fairly new to all this and haven’t really had the courage to speak about this all yet. I almost am unsure still what I want to say so I apologise if this doesn’t make much sense I just need to write it down. 7 weeks ago my boyfriend got the knock. Since then it has been a Rollercoasters of emotions. He is out on bail and early on I met with him to speak about the how’s and whys, but I really was struggling at the time to know what to ask him. He has answered all my questions honestly and has made me feel like I can ask him anything. He got himself into an awful hole due to his mental health and extremely challenging job. He got an addiction with porn that lead him to these chat rooms and feels completely disgusted with himself, suicidal and I’ve never seen him this way. He’s getting help and speaking to people now. I know that what he’s done is wrong but know he never meant to end up there and wouldn’t do it again. I want to stay with him and support him because I love him and weeks on I have days I completely forget what has happened because I don’t see him any differently. I live with my parents still and that’s where I’m really struggling the most. They don’t want me to see him or have any contact with him. When they found out I had seen him they went mad at me and threatened with kicking me out and have never been the easiest people to speak to about things. They forced me to block his number and have always had some control over me although I am an adult I find it very difficult to stand up for myself and they’ve made it almost impossible. I am having to lie to them and hide the fact I am still contacting him because I can’t cope with the upset of it all and even though he’s done this he is still the only person I feel like I could go to about anything and make me feel better. But I know me sneaking around is affecting both his and my mental health. He also doesn’t live super close to me so I can’t see him at the minute as when I leave the house my parents want to know where I’m going (which they’ve always done) but I can’t find an excuse to leave good enough to be able to see him. They are being very narrow minded about the situation which I guess for most people is just how they think until someone they love or are close to does something like this, but they just don’t want to even try understand. They are now acting like everything is okay as if nothing has happened which in one way is good but I feel like I’m constantly on egg shells and scared of them finding out I’m still with him and in contact. Im really unsure what to do and if I’m doing the right thing. I feel this guilt lying to them but at the same time telling them isn’t an option if I want to stay with him… but how long can this last this way. I feel like I’m constantly battling my mental health and trying to stay strong for him and pretending to my parents and feeling like piggy in the middle I’m starting to crack. I know what I want which is to stay with him I just don’t know how I’m going to achieve it as it feels so impossible with my parents standing in the way. Im really sorry for rambling on but I feel so alone and seeing everyone else’s messages has gave me the courage to finally say something myself x
Willowtree
Welcome I didn't want your message to go unnoticed. I am a mum here my son was charged with iioc and we are out the other side now. From a mums point of view from before now I would of said run a mile if you was my daughter but now I have such a better understanding of it. Most of these men don't choose to do this which is extremely sad. It's an addiction that lands you into so much trouble . I totally get what you mean with your parents and being narrow minded I was that same mum :( . I have no advice for you unfortunately but if your heart is telling you to stick by your man then do it. Your parents will obviously be hurt but unfortunately we as parents do and only want the best for our children .. they will be upset but they will eventually come round. How do they know about it ? I chose to tell my sister and best friend about my son and only told the rest when it hit newspapers .
Look after yourself .. keep reaching out xx
Welcome I didn't want your message to go unnoticed. I am a mum here my son was charged with iioc and we are out the other side now. From a mums point of view from before now I would of said run a mile if you was my daughter but now I have such a better understanding of it. Most of these men don't choose to do this which is extremely sad. It's an addiction that lands you into so much trouble . I totally get what you mean with your parents and being narrow minded I was that same mum :( . I have no advice for you unfortunately but if your heart is telling you to stick by your man then do it. Your parents will obviously be hurt but unfortunately we as parents do and only want the best for our children .. they will be upset but they will eventually come round. How do they know about it ? I chose to tell my sister and best friend about my son and only told the rest when it hit newspapers .
Look after yourself .. keep reaching out xx
Willowtree,
im so sorry for what you are going through. I have kept what I've been going through a secret from family, because I know they would similarly say I need to leave him. It's such a stigmatized issue with a lot more gray area than anyone realizes until they are faced with it themselves. Are you about to move out of your parents house? That would be my first goal. It's easier to establish boundaries and independence when you are not living under their roof.
im so sorry for what you are going through. I have kept what I've been going through a secret from family, because I know they would similarly say I need to leave him. It's such a stigmatized issue with a lot more gray area than anyone realizes until they are faced with it themselves. Are you about to move out of your parents house? That would be my first goal. It's easier to establish boundaries and independence when you are not living under their roof.
Thank you both for replying. It is real tough at the minute and the most exhausting part is having to pretend to be okay around everyone so questions aren't asked including from my parents. They know because I have a younger sister who is under the legal age and therefore the policeman just had to inform them of what had been going on even though it was only online and he had no concern but still had to let my mum know. I probably wouldn't have told them if not and things would have been a lot easier I feel if they didn't know as I could still see him and work things out for myself. My goal is to definitely move out of here but it's hard. I always wanted to save to buy somewhere but part of me just feels like getting out sooner and renting but would I be silly to do that and regret it in the long run? I just don't know but I feel moving out isn't quite in reach yet so for now hiding the fact I'm in contact seems like my only option. It's just really affecting me as well as him with all this stress going on anyway and having the added stress of my parents. A lot of people say it's my life so it's my choice but it's always a lot easier said then done.
hope you are both coping and glad to hear you're on the other side of this xx
hope you are both coping and glad to hear you're on the other side of this xx
I feel my FM also got lured into this world it's almost like radicalisation. He is a very insecure person, only had colleagues for friends, no relationships. A few people teased him, he never seemed bothered, such an easy going loving man - but was he depressed by the feeling of 'not fitting in'.
I feel this was possibly a world he felt .confident in / made friends on line (albeit not the best type of friends). Someone like my FM would have been easy meat so he was sucked in! Saying this I'm not condoning what he did, he made the choice.
i think it's all very common and deeply sad. On line is out of control, once I too hated 'sex offenders', but now I live in a very different world, misunderstanding, sadness and trauma for everyone concerned.
I feel this was possibly a world he felt .confident in / made friends on line (albeit not the best type of friends). Someone like my FM would have been easy meat so he was sucked in! Saying this I'm not condoning what he did, he made the choice.
i think it's all very common and deeply sad. On line is out of control, once I too hated 'sex offenders', but now I live in a very different world, misunderstanding, sadness and trauma for everyone concerned.
I feel like I relate to this situation a LOT! So my partner viewed IIOC 8 months ago now and in all honesty every day doesn't get much easier, I don't talk to anyone about it, can't talk to my friends about it without nearly arguing with them. I live at home with parents too. My parents are the same, sort of controlling, it's hard to live my life at 23 nearly 24 living here. My situation is the same, it's expensive to move out so I live here. It's difficult being young and also having to handle such a big traumatic thing. Especially if you're the one who accidentally viewed it all.
I feel alone too and struggle nearly daily. There hasn't been any court hearing yet so I'm unaware of what will happen. I'm still secretly seeing him but at times it's very hard. Having to lie to parents/friends. It's mentally draining and I can 100% understand that. Being able to relate to someone else is actually strangely refreshing because no one knows how I've been feeling lately. I would suggest to hang in there, do what is best for you and no one else. Even if you are secretly seeing him or keeping it from your parents, as long as you feel it's right for you that's all that matters. It's such a tough situation to be in and I can relate heavily on it. I know I'm a stranger but I'm always here if you ever need someone who can relate to this. You're doing so well and talking about it is hard. You are strong and loved.
I feel alone too and struggle nearly daily. There hasn't been any court hearing yet so I'm unaware of what will happen. I'm still secretly seeing him but at times it's very hard. Having to lie to parents/friends. It's mentally draining and I can 100% understand that. Being able to relate to someone else is actually strangely refreshing because no one knows how I've been feeling lately. I would suggest to hang in there, do what is best for you and no one else. Even if you are secretly seeing him or keeping it from your parents, as long as you feel it's right for you that's all that matters. It's such a tough situation to be in and I can relate heavily on it. I know I'm a stranger but I'm always here if you ever need someone who can relate to this. You're doing so well and talking about it is hard. You are strong and loved.