Have just found out totally shocked
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Hi there,
I am utterly devastated as the knock came a week ago as I just cannot understand what has gone on. I am in total shock and absolutely devastated. My partner didn't admit it at first and then the police found some key words etc on his devices and arrested him and took him to the station. I have 2 children who at the time were staying with their dad as I was lodging with my partner.
He is still lying and only today said that he had images of young children on his devices. I feel so sick and am really really struggling with the enormity of it all. He is on bail and cannot have any contact with any minors for the duration of the bail. But what happens after the bail as the police say that the investigation could take 7 months or so
Do I tell my family (who all have small children) my parents also and my ex. The thing is do I just hold out and not say anything at all in the hope that he will just get a caution as I am not sure at all how this works. Or risk telling my whole family and then still lose them. I will be so humiliated he has put me through this for his own self gratification. We are in the process of buying our first house together and now I'm totally lost.
Will he go to prison? How long do these checks take? Part of me wants him to go down for it as he has ruined his whole life and mine too. We have been together for 12 years, I just can't get my head around it as I still love him, but this time I really don't think I will be able to get over the hurt and pain that he has caused.
Any help or thoughts would be very much appreciated ???????? thankyou xx
I am utterly devastated as the knock came a week ago as I just cannot understand what has gone on. I am in total shock and absolutely devastated. My partner didn't admit it at first and then the police found some key words etc on his devices and arrested him and took him to the station. I have 2 children who at the time were staying with their dad as I was lodging with my partner.
He is still lying and only today said that he had images of young children on his devices. I feel so sick and am really really struggling with the enormity of it all. He is on bail and cannot have any contact with any minors for the duration of the bail. But what happens after the bail as the police say that the investigation could take 7 months or so
Do I tell my family (who all have small children) my parents also and my ex. The thing is do I just hold out and not say anything at all in the hope that he will just get a caution as I am not sure at all how this works. Or risk telling my whole family and then still lose them. I will be so humiliated he has put me through this for his own self gratification. We are in the process of buying our first house together and now I'm totally lost.
Will he go to prison? How long do these checks take? Part of me wants him to go down for it as he has ruined his whole life and mine too. We have been together for 12 years, I just can't get my head around it as I still love him, but this time I really don't think I will be able to get over the hurt and pain that he has caused.
Any help or thoughts would be very much appreciated ???????? thankyou xx
Hello.
It is an incredibly tough thing when you find out your partner has committed a crime like this. I personally felt like the world as I knew it, fell down around me. It was horrendous. Have you called the LFF helpline? It is a really good place to talk these things through, without judegement.
Firstly, there is an issue in the fact he hasn't owned up to what he has done. He may just be panicking or he may want to get away with it. I'd suggest getting to the bottom of this (although at your own pace - knee jerk reactions will not help); as the reasoning will be a big factor in whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Secondly, regardless of whether he receives a caution or custodial I would encourage you to tell immediate family members including the father of your children. It is really important that you safeguard your children and any others that your partner will come into contact with in the future. He may end up with a Sexual Harm Prevention Order which will dictate (among other things) who he can or cannot be in contact with, when and where.
It's hard to say whether he will get a custodial. It can sometimes just depend on the day and how the judge is feeling. Prepare yourself for both scenarios - if he comes home and if he goes away. Either way, this is where having family/friend support becomes valuable. Some may immediately cut you off, some will take time to process things and some will just be on your side regardless.
There are a lot of unknowns in this instance and I'm sorry I can't give more guidance. I hope some of this helps you though. I remained with my husband and we have gone on to have a family together. If you've any questions please write back and I will see if I can help :)
Sending you strength.
CMB
It is an incredibly tough thing when you find out your partner has committed a crime like this. I personally felt like the world as I knew it, fell down around me. It was horrendous. Have you called the LFF helpline? It is a really good place to talk these things through, without judegement.
Firstly, there is an issue in the fact he hasn't owned up to what he has done. He may just be panicking or he may want to get away with it. I'd suggest getting to the bottom of this (although at your own pace - knee jerk reactions will not help); as the reasoning will be a big factor in whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Secondly, regardless of whether he receives a caution or custodial I would encourage you to tell immediate family members including the father of your children. It is really important that you safeguard your children and any others that your partner will come into contact with in the future. He may end up with a Sexual Harm Prevention Order which will dictate (among other things) who he can or cannot be in contact with, when and where.
It's hard to say whether he will get a custodial. It can sometimes just depend on the day and how the judge is feeling. Prepare yourself for both scenarios - if he comes home and if he goes away. Either way, this is where having family/friend support becomes valuable. Some may immediately cut you off, some will take time to process things and some will just be on your side regardless.
There are a lot of unknowns in this instance and I'm sorry I can't give more guidance. I hope some of this helps you though. I remained with my husband and we have gone on to have a family together. If you've any questions please write back and I will see if I can help :)
Sending you strength.
CMB
Hello CrazyMayBaby
Thanks for your reply it's very much appreciated. Yes I have only told my children's dad and he was supportive of me he didn't really say much.
I just told him which was very hard but he has a right to know. It's also kind of nice to know that I have someone to talk to now.
I have phoned the helpline a few times they've been such a help. I'm glad that you went on to live a normal life with your husband. How did you manage did you have any trouble?
Thankyou xx
Thanks for your reply it's very much appreciated. Yes I have only told my children's dad and he was supportive of me he didn't really say much.
I just told him which was very hard but he has a right to know. It's also kind of nice to know that I have someone to talk to now.
I have phoned the helpline a few times they've been such a help. I'm glad that you went on to live a normal life with your husband. How did you manage did you have any trouble?
Thankyou xx
Hello Fighter.
That's a really positive step that you told your ex and that he has been supportive so far. I hope that continues.
Also, you've done a really good thing by calling the helpline. Self care is important at times like this.
I had a lot of trouble. We didn't have children at the time of the offence so, in a way, we were starting from scratch. We made probation and SOMU aware of our plans. They advised they did not have an issue but they had a duty to report the pregnancy to social services as soon as it happened. Social Services opened a case once I confirmed my pregnancy and we were investigated. The focus was very much on me and my ability to safeguard children. It was exhausting and invasive. The social worker wasn't well up on sexual offenders but thankfully kept a pretty open mind. I had extra checks from an EMT midwife and regular meetings with all the professionals involved. My children were placed on child in need plans but taken off a few months after birth. I was just always open, honest and patient when being interviewed. Never playing down the severity of things and putting lots of measures in place to keep us safe e.g. passwords and monitoring software of computers. Our Health Vistor is now responsible for keeping an eye on us. Touch wood, all is working well.
With strength,
CMB
That's a really positive step that you told your ex and that he has been supportive so far. I hope that continues.
Also, you've done a really good thing by calling the helpline. Self care is important at times like this.
I had a lot of trouble. We didn't have children at the time of the offence so, in a way, we were starting from scratch. We made probation and SOMU aware of our plans. They advised they did not have an issue but they had a duty to report the pregnancy to social services as soon as it happened. Social Services opened a case once I confirmed my pregnancy and we were investigated. The focus was very much on me and my ability to safeguard children. It was exhausting and invasive. The social worker wasn't well up on sexual offenders but thankfully kept a pretty open mind. I had extra checks from an EMT midwife and regular meetings with all the professionals involved. My children were placed on child in need plans but taken off a few months after birth. I was just always open, honest and patient when being interviewed. Never playing down the severity of things and putting lots of measures in place to keep us safe e.g. passwords and monitoring software of computers. Our Health Vistor is now responsible for keeping an eye on us. Touch wood, all is working well.
With strength,
CMB