Have just found out totally shocked
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Hi there,
I am utterly devastated as the knock came a week ago as I just cannot understand what has gone on. I am in total shock and absolutely devastated. My partner didn't admit it at first and then the police found some key words etc on his devices and arrested him and took him to the station. I have 2 children who at the time were staying with their dad as I was lodging with my partner.
He is still lying and only today said that he had images of young children on his devices. I feel so sick and am really really struggling with the enormity of it all. He is on bail and cannot have any contact with any minors for the duration of the bail. But what happens after the bail as the police say that the investigation could take 7 months or so
Do I tell my family (who all have small children) my parents also and my ex. The thing is do I just hold out and not say anything at all in the hope that he will just get a caution as I am not sure at all how this works. Or risk telling my whole family and then still lose them. I will be so humiliated he has put me through this for his own self gratification. We are in the process of buying our first house together and now I'm totally lost.
Will he go to prison? How long do these checks take? Part of me wants him to go down for it as he has ruined his whole life and mine too. We have been together for 12 years, I just can't get my head around it as I still love him, but this time I really don't think I will be able to get over the hurt and pain that he has caused.
Any help or thoughts would be very much appreciated ???????? thankyou xx
I am utterly devastated as the knock came a week ago as I just cannot understand what has gone on. I am in total shock and absolutely devastated. My partner didn't admit it at first and then the police found some key words etc on his devices and arrested him and took him to the station. I have 2 children who at the time were staying with their dad as I was lodging with my partner.
He is still lying and only today said that he had images of young children on his devices. I feel so sick and am really really struggling with the enormity of it all. He is on bail and cannot have any contact with any minors for the duration of the bail. But what happens after the bail as the police say that the investigation could take 7 months or so
Do I tell my family (who all have small children) my parents also and my ex. The thing is do I just hold out and not say anything at all in the hope that he will just get a caution as I am not sure at all how this works. Or risk telling my whole family and then still lose them. I will be so humiliated he has put me through this for his own self gratification. We are in the process of buying our first house together and now I'm totally lost.
Will he go to prison? How long do these checks take? Part of me wants him to go down for it as he has ruined his whole life and mine too. We have been together for 12 years, I just can't get my head around it as I still love him, but this time I really don't think I will be able to get over the hurt and pain that he has caused.
Any help or thoughts would be very much appreciated ???????? thankyou xx
Hi lee1969,
Thanks very much for the reply. Yes I called the helpline on Saturday and they said to look at this forum to connect with other people in the same situation.
My partner says that he hasn't got any images downloaded they were just tabs on a Web page, but obviously they did include naked pictures of children and adults so I'm just not sure what to expect. My children are 13 and 14 so do ss get involved anyway? As I'm trying to keep this from my ex and I don't know if they go to the home address as standard or school.
It all feels such a mess and I'm thinking (as I've been reading other people's sad stories too) that I will just find this incredibly hard if nothing gets to court for 2 years. How on earth do I carry on as though nothing has happened. I just will struggle so much with the deceit of not telling my family if he goes to prison.
As they will probably say well how could you still live with him if you knew so long ago. We are barely talking and everytime I look at him I feel sick knowing that he has destroyed my life and that of my children's.
Take care all xx
I'm sorry
Thanks very much for the reply. Yes I called the helpline on Saturday and they said to look at this forum to connect with other people in the same situation.
My partner says that he hasn't got any images downloaded they were just tabs on a Web page, but obviously they did include naked pictures of children and adults so I'm just not sure what to expect. My children are 13 and 14 so do ss get involved anyway? As I'm trying to keep this from my ex and I don't know if they go to the home address as standard or school.
It all feels such a mess and I'm thinking (as I've been reading other people's sad stories too) that I will just find this incredibly hard if nothing gets to court for 2 years. How on earth do I carry on as though nothing has happened. I just will struggle so much with the deceit of not telling my family if he goes to prison.
As they will probably say well how could you still live with him if you knew so long ago. We are barely talking and everytime I look at him I feel sick knowing that he has destroyed my life and that of my children's.
Take care all xx
I'm sorry
Thankyou lee1969
Wow what a mess this is, thankyou for your honesty.
Xx
Wow what a mess this is, thankyou for your honesty.
Xx
I'm really sorry you've had to find this forum. It is such a devestating shock and as you have kids there will.be some things that happen before you are ready to deal with it.
It is likely SS will call in the next few days. As I imagine you are in shock it can be difficult to think logically but I would take a moment to think about what you will say to them. They need to know that your children are not at risk. Most mothers want that too so it's important to consider what that looks like when you have so little information about the situation and it seems like your partner is not being wholly open. SS won't have any knowledge of who your partner is other than he is being investigated for these offences and it involves children. Therefore they will want to be sure that you are putting protection of the children above anything else. In the whirlwind of 'what ifs...' it is advisable not to make any big decisions but even if you don't want to believe he is capable of doing anything your protection of the children has to consider worst case scenarios. You can tell SS that you are in shock, that this whole situation is awful and that you have no idea what the future looks like, because that shows you take this seriously. I strongly advise you not to suggest that your partner is definitely innocent, that he is not a risk etc, or anything where SS might think you are minimising the offence.
It is a horrendous situation and it is very tough particularly in the initial few months. Take each day as it comes and know that you are not alone xx
It is likely SS will call in the next few days. As I imagine you are in shock it can be difficult to think logically but I would take a moment to think about what you will say to them. They need to know that your children are not at risk. Most mothers want that too so it's important to consider what that looks like when you have so little information about the situation and it seems like your partner is not being wholly open. SS won't have any knowledge of who your partner is other than he is being investigated for these offences and it involves children. Therefore they will want to be sure that you are putting protection of the children above anything else. In the whirlwind of 'what ifs...' it is advisable not to make any big decisions but even if you don't want to believe he is capable of doing anything your protection of the children has to consider worst case scenarios. You can tell SS that you are in shock, that this whole situation is awful and that you have no idea what the future looks like, because that shows you take this seriously. I strongly advise you not to suggest that your partner is definitely innocent, that he is not a risk etc, or anything where SS might think you are minimising the offence.
It is a horrendous situation and it is very tough particularly in the initial few months. Take each day as it comes and know that you are not alone xx
Thankyou lee1969
Thankyou Cloud
I'm just so overwhelmed by what has happened. I'm so scared that ss will get to my ex before me. We have such a good relationship that it will be ruined now as he will say that I'm protecting my partner. I'm not I don't justify what he's done but I totally believe that my children have never been at any risk at all.
How do people get over this hurdle? I think if I'm honest I'm protecting myself as I just won't be able to deal with all the questions. Because I would feel anger if the boot was on the other foot.
My partner is going to see a solicitor tomorrow as he refused one at the police station, so does that mean that hopefully I'll get some answers and be pointed in the right direction with what happens next?
How do some families move on and continue with living a normal life? I understand we are all in the same situation sadly, and no two cases are the same but I just can't see any end to this and by reading other posts I still have a very long way to go.
I'm just hoping that the solicitor will keep me posted with what's going on. As I'm not sure if the police will or my partner or ss. How does this work do they only tell my partner and then I've got to rely on him telling me?
Thankyou to all and take care xx
Thankyou Cloud
I'm just so overwhelmed by what has happened. I'm so scared that ss will get to my ex before me. We have such a good relationship that it will be ruined now as he will say that I'm protecting my partner. I'm not I don't justify what he's done but I totally believe that my children have never been at any risk at all.
How do people get over this hurdle? I think if I'm honest I'm protecting myself as I just won't be able to deal with all the questions. Because I would feel anger if the boot was on the other foot.
My partner is going to see a solicitor tomorrow as he refused one at the police station, so does that mean that hopefully I'll get some answers and be pointed in the right direction with what happens next?
How do some families move on and continue with living a normal life? I understand we are all in the same situation sadly, and no two cases are the same but I just can't see any end to this and by reading other posts I still have a very long way to go.
I'm just hoping that the solicitor will keep me posted with what's going on. As I'm not sure if the police will or my partner or ss. How does this work do they only tell my partner and then I've got to rely on him telling me?
Thankyou to all and take care xx
Hi thankyou
I've just spoken to the arresting officer regarding ss and he said that they have to put their case forward regarding the concern for them. He says that I should tell my ex as he doesn't know if ss have contacted him anyway.
I know I have to tell him today but I am absolutely afraid of his reaction, terrified in fact. I know I have to do the right thing but how do you even begin to start, what do I begin with?
I'm sorry I just can't believe that I'm in this situation and that my partner has put me through this. I'm so scared and I just don't think that I'll be able to defend myself alone standing there in front of him without any help or support.
Any thoughts how have other people have done this hard talk. I don't want to damage the relationship I have with my ex, but I do know that he has a right to know.
Please help xx
I've just spoken to the arresting officer regarding ss and he said that they have to put their case forward regarding the concern for them. He says that I should tell my ex as he doesn't know if ss have contacted him anyway.
I know I have to tell him today but I am absolutely afraid of his reaction, terrified in fact. I know I have to do the right thing but how do you even begin to start, what do I begin with?
I'm sorry I just can't believe that I'm in this situation and that my partner has put me through this. I'm so scared and I just don't think that I'll be able to defend myself alone standing there in front of him without any help or support.
Any thoughts how have other people have done this hard talk. I don't want to damage the relationship I have with my ex, but I do know that he has a right to know.
Please help xx
Fighter,
I have been in this situation, my ex kids dad was really controlling and abusvie towards me so I was really scared In telling him, what I found helped me was only give little details he doesn't need to know the ins and out just that your partner has been arrested for this and there is an investigation going on and you would appreciate it being kept quite until you have further details as it may harm the investigation, then he won't question as you have no answers for him and it won't go out to public, sorry your in this situation it's a very difficult place to be in, make things as easy as possible for yourself xx
I have been in this situation, my ex kids dad was really controlling and abusvie towards me so I was really scared In telling him, what I found helped me was only give little details he doesn't need to know the ins and out just that your partner has been arrested for this and there is an investigation going on and you would appreciate it being kept quite until you have further details as it may harm the investigation, then he won't question as you have no answers for him and it won't go out to public, sorry your in this situation it's a very difficult place to be in, make things as easy as possible for yourself xx
I haven't had this specific talk but did disclose my sons arrest to a number of family members whilst still in shock and processing the information myself and also to his estranged dad.
I have also told a number of friends in the following months. I dreaded each conversation but have been incredibly fortunate and been met with nothing but love and support (I have been careful about who to share the information with though).
Best advise I can offer is be direct and to the point, upfront about being in shock, reassure that you will be ensuring the children's safety whether or not you believe there is a risk and accept that he may feel a whole host of emotions and is entitled to feel them.
I'd probably suggest trying to find a neutral and private space to talk where either of you can walk away if needed. You can always revisit the conversation. I'd also request that he doesn't share the information with anyone else primarily to protect your children.
I found doing this and then telling them they could ask me any questions now or once they'd processed the information but there are still a lot of unknowns and I may not have the answers.
Remember instant reactions may change with time so don't panic if it goes badly.
Good luck, I hope it goes well
I have also told a number of friends in the following months. I dreaded each conversation but have been incredibly fortunate and been met with nothing but love and support (I have been careful about who to share the information with though).
Best advise I can offer is be direct and to the point, upfront about being in shock, reassure that you will be ensuring the children's safety whether or not you believe there is a risk and accept that he may feel a whole host of emotions and is entitled to feel them.
I'd probably suggest trying to find a neutral and private space to talk where either of you can walk away if needed. You can always revisit the conversation. I'd also request that he doesn't share the information with anyone else primarily to protect your children.
I found doing this and then telling them they could ask me any questions now or once they'd processed the information but there are still a lot of unknowns and I may not have the answers.
Remember instant reactions may change with time so don't panic if it goes badly.
Good luck, I hope it goes well
Also just remembered the Lucie Faithful website had a section on advice about disclosing, so have a look at that if you can
First of all I would say why would you lose your family? YOU have done nothing wrong, remember that
As for your partner he may not be telling the whole truth, it will be a long process and you would have to wait to see what charges are brought against him. The fact he is saying naked and underage does scream alarm bells but I think you should remember that it is him who has done this not you. So family should be supportive, until you know the actual charges I suppose you can't really make an informed choice. He does need a solicitor and they will advise of how serious the charges are/ what evidence they have.
As for your partner he may not be telling the whole truth, it will be a long process and you would have to wait to see what charges are brought against him. The fact he is saying naked and underage does scream alarm bells but I think you should remember that it is him who has done this not you. So family should be supportive, until you know the actual charges I suppose you can't really make an informed choice. He does need a solicitor and they will advise of how serious the charges are/ what evidence they have.
Thankyou all for the support. Yes I suppose I'm just worried about upsetting my family. I just really appreciate all the posts and replies that you are all sending me.
I am meeting my ex tomorrow so I'll let you know how it goes. I'm just sitting here absolutely frightened and I know that I won't get any sleep tonight. I feel sick and my stomach is churning.
Love to all this is all such a sad situation that we have to be on here. I know its no consulation but it does help myself and I'm sure other users have been helped also.
Xx
I am meeting my ex tomorrow so I'll let you know how it goes. I'm just sitting here absolutely frightened and I know that I won't get any sleep tonight. I feel sick and my stomach is churning.
Love to all this is all such a sad situation that we have to be on here. I know its no consulation but it does help myself and I'm sure other users have been helped also.
Xx