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Hi Tracey and Andrea,



your not alone. I think we want to make sense to rationalise what happened. But I don’t think we can. They were having dark thoughts in their heads that I just don’t think we can understand.

it can turn you crazy going around in circles. But I think they were the men we fell in love with with a sexual compulsive side that they couldn’t control. I can’t grasp this as I have good impulse control. I know I don’t have an addictive personality but there brains must function differently and it’s not their fault to have problems with their brains. But they all have the capacity to reach out and say I need help.



i don’t know the reason some do and some don’t. It’s got to have a lot to do with Shame and not thinking they are worth it or can control these demons.

i completely get what you mean about the thoughts dominating your brain . I can’t get over it. That’s why I am trying to keep myself busy and take my mind off it with decorating, gardening taking things to the charity shop. If I sit still too long it pops back into my head.

We were happy I was content in my life. I think these men must have valued feeling safe but maybe they just didn’t feel like they deserved it and something was wrong with them.

Its honestly nothing we did wrong. I am angry my husband never felt he could share with me he needed support and it came to the police raiding our house.

tracey don’t feel bad that he is minamising maybe he just isn’t ready to accept that what he did was so wrong as that would be accepting he is a bad man ( which he isn’t the action is wrong not the person) but his brain can’t think like that.

its All a big mess, we can get through it. Hopefully my ramblings make some sort of sense. There is no rational explanation.

Is either of you having any form of counselling/therapy? If not then I guess that will be a good place to start. Poster posts have made me book in for some to get me through it all and I start mine next week. Might be the starting block we all need? x

And Andrea 30 years is a long time, you had a shared history and memories that will take ages to process. People shouldn’t act like you should just get over that. It’s like grief it’s going to take time. I have good days and bad days. I was only married for three years but knew my husband for ten. I genuinely didn’t have a clue he was having intense internal struggles. I knew he had anxiety but that was all.

KLM

i agree with the counselling comment. We can’t do this alone.

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Hi - it’s not a competition to see who is having it the worst! All of our feelings are valid. People wouldn’t have expected you to get over his death quickly, and the end of a 30 year old relationship is like a death.

I’ve got my first counselling session the week x

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The expression ‘moving on’ is used in such a glib way. I don’t believe I will ever ‘move on’ from what has happened. But I will learn to live with it , and I am determined it won’t define me. This is not my fault. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it (is what I learned in Al Anon) Having therapy every three weeks or so is helping me make sense of all my emotions. There is no blueprint for dealing with this. Just one day at a time.

love to you all

xx

I'm no expert in this but I think your brain needs to process things before it can start to file it away. Something unrelated to what is going on now happened to me in 2015 and I couldn't stop thinking about it even though I wanted to. It had significantly faded now. I think you should let yourself think about it and do lots of related reading as that helped me. Write your thoughts down too. Maybe do a diary. In the end I got bored with thinking about it which was just what I needed. I've always been an overthinker too which didn't help. It will heal with time xx

Tracey,

they may have been wise words but my don’t they hurt.

i remember you saying in the dock he loooked so broken and old it’s natural to still care despite the painful emotions. This is what makes it so complicated to overcome. I know I still have a way to go but recently I have got into writing my anger down on paper (poster you will be proud as you said about a journal)



i am not really doing a journal but writing letters to him, that say you know what I am seriously pissed off! That you didn’t respect our relationship etc. Obviously I won’t share this with him it’s more for me to make peace and move on.

I live our little group here and it’s really growing since Christmas you can always vent here. I feel that people in my day to day life don’t really get it, they are too consumed with their own lives. They obviously love and respect you but maybe they just don’t have the emotions time to give to us. Its been a trauma for us all. We need time to process it and move on.



I am still very wronged by his actions. It’s impacted everything and going from a double income to a single income and part of me even though if he died I would get widows benefit ( how wrong is that) but I really thought I had my life together and because of the nature of his crimes he can’t even help pick her up from childcare.

so yes it’s blooming unfair, and even down the line people have ramifications of the offending. I have a lot of respect for you tracey you seem very strong xxx



another long rambling post !! Ha ha

Tracey, don’t let other people tell you what you are supposed to do or feel. No-one but you can start to make sense of what you’re dealing with and feelings don’t just switch off so easily and conveniently. Take the time to let yourself move forwards and decide what you want to do. As I was advised, you don’t have to name it. People outside of the situation think they are being wise and helpful, but they are not in the situation. Take care of yourself and go easy on having to explain yourself to others.

Hi all

how are you another month in, tracey after your difficult start of the week?

Have things helped or do you think the reality is beginning to hit in.

i can’t believe it’s the first of March now, and I did all of my spring cleaning in a mad frenzy over the course of last month.

i realised that I am coping practically but emotionally I do feel a bit upset. It’s helpful writing things and using the forum. I have also booked in to see friends and my daughter has stated a dance class which she loves.

its just very hard being positive about the future. I am really trying but it seems one day at a time is all that I can manage. Which seems a bit of a strange way to get through life. Still I hope as the months clear so will my head.

Move on is easy to say but can you really, fully move on when something this huge has happened to you? No ones story is the same but the feelings and emotions generally are. I know my story is different to many in that there was no conviction but the outcomes remain the same.

I think I’ve suffered the symptoms of PTSD. Total loss of my identity, of who I thought I was, of how others perceived me, of how I view the world....all that has changed. Yes the emotions aren’t as sharp but it doesn’t take much to bring them right back into focus for them to be as sharp as they ever were. My online troll makes sure I feel those emotions every day, or at least to fear what she’s going to say hangs over me and my life continually.

The biggest loss though was my career that I’d worked so hard for, I miss it and often dream I’m back in my office, talking to old colleagues again.

So if ‘moving on’ means putting it in the past, I simply can’t. It lives and breathes with me every single day.

Glad I can express myself through this forum now, even many years later, it helps me so much and if I can help one other woman going through this it’s great.

Poster you are an inspiration. Thank you. We are all taking baby steps at moving forward in our own way. One day I believe that I will wake and this won’t be the first thing I think about which sends a sickening rush through me. Or the last thing I think about before I try to sleep.



No one else knows how I feel or can tell any of us what we ‘should’ be doing. I know that most of my loved ones would prefer it if I cut my now ex out of my life. But this is my life, and for now I will continue to see him for a coffee. He has no one else. And I care about his mental wellbeing. But that is my choice and who knows I might change my mind. My mind, my decisions, my life.

This forum is amazing. You all are. You never cease to amaze me the way you are working through this. Each in your own way.

Lots of love

Paula xx

I totally second the suggestion that Bethlou come and do my cleaning! A real business opportunity there Beth ;-)

I have a vision in my mind that we are in a virtual room, all chatting and drinking tea (or coffee) when all of a sudden the latest member crashes into the room, disoriented, stumbling and distressed. All us ‘oldies’ rush to help and support. Eventually the latest member calms a bit and joins us for tea. Every now and then one of the ‘oldies’ has a wobble and we all support that person. Everyone calm again, sits down and drinks their cuppa......until the door barges open and the next member joins...disoriented, stumbling and distressed....it goes on and repeats again and again. The group grows and so does the support. I’m hoping in time there’ll be better education for everyone on this topic, that’s myths and urban legends will disappear. You’ve got to have hope!

Have a great Friday fellow members.

Jaded x

What a lovely analogy jaded, I know we have never met but you all know more about my life , than my nearest and dearest . Though I have come to the conclusion I do need to share this information with my sisters now and before it gets to court.



tracey will be thinking of you this month then, you are so right about the number of court dates you have to navigate. I hope you won’t be attending on your own in March and will bring a trusted friend.



in regard to cleaning! Ha ha, could potentially be a new business venture but I am finding staying busy helps me cope. Plus it’s very therapeutic taking things to the charity shop And having a clear out.

Poster I get what you mean about the practicalities of being a single mum with no partner to have them overnight. I dread to think how I will cope when she starts school. My daughter only does three full days at nursery having her in school and wrap around care seems hard. I do plan on downsizing though so hope that helps my finances. It’s lovely to hear you have a new man, I think it’s so good that you found yourself through this and now he has to fit into life with you and your boys rather than the other way round. I wish you all the best you deserve some happiness.

i think I don’t mind being single, I just hope in the future I can trust people again. I don’t want the shame of the offence to stop me seeing the best in people. I will just have to be careful whom I choose. No unresolved child hood traumas etc.

Everyone has been through so much and yet can still find time to support one another. Xxx

And finally Paula,

your right you only need to answer to yourself. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to meet him for coffee. It shows you can still see him through his offending. That must really help in his recovery. Who cares what other people think. People are more than their mistakes. I still see my partner as I supervise contact and I can tell he is a good dad, who still likes baking and science shows. The offence doesn’t define these men. Saying that I am blooming annoyed still that he can’t confess up he needs some help xxx

That’s the good thing poster, you know yourself and what you like and don’t like. So a relationship can be really powerful rather than two people who are scared to function as individuals.

I am looking forward to finally finding out who I am and in the future I won’t be scared to date but yes they also have to accept that my daughter deserves a relationship with her dad.

so pleased that you found someone who treats you with love and care you deserve that and so do your boys.

Wow Tracey this thread you started is certainly popular, it seems like we are all trying our hardest to move forward but process the past and recognise how it shapes us all and that includes the men. They can fight the internal Shame or let it make them in to better more open and honest people. I really hope in time those in denial recognise there is hope in confronting their demons as I call it.

Morning all....one of the reasons I think this thread is so popular is that for once we can all find each other to talk to, and follow on from the latest post. Rather than trying to figure out the new format for the forum! This could be a very long thread!

So once again...how is everyone doing?

I met up with my ex yesterday and it seems that the bravado and denial of the first few months has been replaced by grief about what he has lost and fear for the future with a trial still possibly nearly a year away as the forensics on his computer haven’t even started.

Do I feel sorry for him? I feel compassion for a man who had for some reason has gone down a self destruct path. Do I feel sorry for myself? Of course. Sometimes I sink into a panic and gloom and hide under the duvet with chocolate. And I’m definitely drinking too much. Half a bottle every night. Which worries me. Any thoughts on that?

Time to get up and on with the day.

Love to all xx

It is a great thread, it's great to see how everyone is finding there own way through this and the support this forum gives to everyone. I haven't joined in this thread before because my moving on is different to most of you and i felt it wasnt the place to talk about it. But today I think i will say we really have all come a long way, even in our low days we are still stronger than we were before. I'm moving on with my husband, we together have come a long way. While the last two weeks have been really tough to process there are many possitive. Sometimes i can get a little caught up in the negatives and all the damage caused, i think it will never leave us but we will all find a way to deal this the emotional turmoil caused. Wow what a six months ive had, i dont think i could put into words the ups and downs, all ive learned, it's been crazy and stressful and its not over yet. I feel like managing my personal life has been a full time job. I know my husband is already a better person, luckily for him he was already a great person but with an addiction that nearly cost him everything. My ability to forgive comes from him being honest, open, remorseful, proactive in seeking help and change and accepting his faults. I hope that life can continue to move forward. Paula im glad your ex partner is starting to accept what he did and the consequences, i think it takes courage to admit rings that have gone wrong in life. Hopefully he will continue to feel remorse and get his life on track one day in the future. The waiting is hard, it's the worst part. For me it was waiting to see if my husband was telling the truth, the worry about how bad it might be. We all find coping mechanisms, but we must all be careful of the negative ones. If you normally drink everynight it may not be so bad but if thats a new thing you don't want to end up going down a damaging route yourself. Find an alternative way to heal, if you need support its out there.