Family and Friends Forum

Vic

I am relieved at your outcome, so my son had a similar outcome to your husband a week after Crown it hit our local paper my son however had 400 images. If I am honest I only told my sister and my one & only friend. If it didn't hit papers I wouldn't of told anyone, as soon as I saw It hit papers I called a family meeting. I would of rather took it to the grave if I'm honest. The look on some of my family's face said it all, people don't understand, don't see past the conviction . I didn't feel any better telling my family infact I felt worse.

But the decision must be yours & hubby

I wish you happiness x

Hi

My husband is waiting to hear whether his plea is accepted and we really don't know whether he will receive a custodial sentence or not. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to sentencing with some folks being sent to jail and others handed community pay backs for similar offences. Whilst I don't see the value of him being sent to prison I hope he wouldn't view a community sentence as being let off lightly. I would still expect him to continue the Inform course and therapy and to understand the damage his behaviour has done to untold numbers of people.

I know many people who come to this forum have experienced appalling behaviour from the police and other authorities and we are right to call them out on that. But whether we stay or leave our partners they must accept responsibility for the situations we now find ourselves in. I'd like to think they will see the time after sentencing, whatever it is, as an opportunity for a new, better way of living.

The best piece of advice I read on a thread here a long time ago was, most people don't share everything with all of our friends, we often don't discuss family members medical issues or mental health struggles so why feel bad about not sharing this with everyone.

Unless by not disclosing you could be seen to be putting a child at risk (even if you don't feel that risk is real), or you are enabling someone to break the conditions of their SHPO, then there isn't any reason to tell people. Not telling, however, can also leave you in the situation where you feel you have to lie or make excuses as to why you / they can't go to gatherings / parties etc. However only you know you if that's applicable to your situation or not.

Even now, over 2 years down the line, I have only told my sister and my parents, and that was because I was forced to by my husbands offender manager. It was I tell them or they would request SS be sent round and I didn't want to subject my sister to that! It does however make it easier in that I don't have to come up with reasons why we can't visit, or why I'll be coming by myself.

I agree with MJ.

It is hard not being able to tell close friends and family about my partner. No one on my side knew u til recently, 4 years after the arrest...

I had to tell my aunt and uncle because of my cousin due to the SHPO. My partner cannot have contact with under 16s without permission from parents and sign off from SS.

I also told my mum and step dad a few months ago as I had pressure from the probation officer and police liaison to do so. I hate the fact I did it and wish I could go back- especially since soon after I disclosed the police said it was ok for my partner not to disclose to more distant family members under the agreement he will not attend family gatherings. But one good thing is my mum and step dad can help deter attention from why my partner isn't at events.

I do believe the less people know the better. The burden of knowledge of such horrible offending is hard to live with. And I feel it isn't anyone's business unless there is a safeguarding concern .

Hi, I agree, it's so hard having to lie about things to close family, I think on balance it is the best thing to do, the only people who knew from the start where my partners dad and my sister, my sister has been amazing and supported me, my daughter found out when it went in the media, I wish she didn't know, my partner and I don't live together, my partners SHPO only covers Internet which has helped, i think unless you have to inform somebody in which case we would, this is the best thing in the long run

Hi, I agree, it's so hard having to lie about things to close family, I think on balance it is the best thing to do, the only people who knew from the start where my partners dad and my sister, my sister has been amazing and supported me, my daughter found out when it went in the media, I wish she didn't know, my partner and I don't live together, my partners SHPO only covers Internet which has helped, i think unless you have to inform somebody in which case we would, this is the best thing in the long run

Everyone has secrets of one kind or another; there's no reason for you to tell anyone if you don't want to. The only thing I would say is that it might benefit you to be able to talk to a trusted friend; I've confided in two friends, both of whom were incredibly supportive and non-judgemental. It really helped me to be able to talk about it but I was very selective about who I told and in fact haven't told my oldest and closest friend as I think she'll struggle with it and I don't want the burden of having to support her as well as myself.

Look after yourself xx

Reading this post with interest.
I have 2 small young children and I am struggling to see how I will be able to keep this a secret. Absolutely no body knows and we are 6 months from the knock.
how can I keep making excuses as to why we can't all go to parties and friends houses etc.... or go by myself and the take the children and be lying to my friends as to why my husband isn't coming. My husband I'm guessing will have restrictions on being in the company of children on an SHPO. If we didn't have children and all our friends and family have children then we may be able to get by, but I can't stand how I will have to lie to people for the rest of our lives and face friends at events etc.... alone while he dormant have to face the music with them at all. I am actually thinking that separating would be easier as then people would stop asking questions as to why he stays home all the time!

Hi starry

It is true that maybe your partner will have restrictions on contact with children but normally such a condition says if the parents and SW are ok with it then it could be managed. But again hard to navigate.

Thankfully my aunt and uncle are ok to have my partner at family events and no one else on that side of the family know, and don't need to because there are no other children.

But on the other side of the family I know they would not like it one bit, and have so far made arrangements that my partner will not be coming to events. It is a bit more manageable since i don't see them as often and so far noone has picked up on it.

We are hoping the SHPO can be reduced so that I don't have to do this for another 8 years...

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It all depends on the grown up daughter

What if she has a baby would this not affect contact? It would be difficult to become a grandparent and then have to still keep this secret or be forced to say when this time comes.

So very difficult, and complex