Family and Friends Forum

Hello Unknown Future,

I know it's easy for me to say but you need to slow down. You are trying to absorb a massive amount of information and make any sense of it. You are making life changing decisions when your mind and emotions are on overdrive.

If you can call the helpline it will help you to calm your thoughts but only make decisions on what you have to do today, like how you both look at where he is staying and how you are going to afford it. I say that not because you are responsible for your husband but because these decisions will imact on your finances.

Decisions about a safety plan look like they've already been made but that would also be top of the list.

The priority should be your children's emotional welfare and yours!

Take your time, things will move very, very slowly so prepare yourself and the children for this.

Come here and offload. If you've got any specific questions someone on here will help you.

Just a small observation and comment, IP addresses can be 'hacked' or 'cloned' but it's rare, and mostly for monetary purposes. It's highly unlikely for indecent image purposes but is possible. Given your husbands hiding of the other phone though this does make his version of events very weak. His solicitor will be acting in his best interests, Police will be acting in theirs.

Try to keep calm if you can, deep breaths and so sorry you've had to join this club.

Jaded.

Just a brief message of support. Simply to say breathe take one hour at a time. You should hold off on major decisions until the shock has worn off. I am 3months in and still got lots to resolve.

So pleased you found to forum and as jaded said I am so sorry you have had to post here.

You will always get support and a non judgmental attitude.

like you I had no idea at all my husband (now ex) was looking at indecent images. I too am still concerned about his mental health but he has been picked up by the local crisis team which takes some pressure from me, I am not going to initiate divorce proceedings till after his computer equipment has come back. He knows we have separated but he lost so much in those 24 hours I am not going to add to that yet.



this denial appears a common approach his life has been shattered. He can’t process that.



i know the Lucy Faithfull team day don’t rush into anything you all need time. Some women stay and support their husbands what ever choice you make you need all the information first.



sending you so much love and compassion xxxx

Hello unknown future

I'm so sorry you have joined us for the reasons you have but you will get total, non judgemental support in here.

Please ring the helpline, they are amazing, also think about your mental health too and maybe think about getting in touch with your GP just so you are in their horizon in case you need them later.

Things do move so slowly but try and take time for you and rant on here

Lots of love xx

You have both been through a lot in the last few years. This situation is scary, lonely and totally overwhelming. Your right that we are all in different situations but we do all know how you feel and because all our situations are different our thoughts, experience and advice is all unique which can be helpful. Don't give up on the helpline, they are an amazing help both for advice and support. I think the first time i called I just cried as i felt the lady made it feel worse but I'm so glad i called back. I felt I didn't fit in on the forum to start with as my situation isnt to do with images and I was supporting my partner but i was wrong, this is one of the only places I found people who understood. Your family are also right about being careful who you tell and that no one can tell you what to do or how to feel. I wish there was something someone could say to make it all ok. Concentrate on what you can sort and deal with, like keeping the kids happy, your own health and wellbeing, family Finances etc. You sound like you don't want to go to work, if you can take time off then do it to give yourself some space. It's ok to be there for your husband if thats what you want to do, that doesnt take away the anger or mean you condone any of the behaviour. Hopefully he will open up to you, it helps if you know what happened and whats going on with him. You do not need to make any big decisions right now. This might be a long process. Social services will add another level of pressure so take the time to deal with that. I'm sure you will go through so many emotions. In the beginning i was angry if anyone suggested i should take medication, sleeping tablets, have councelling, and angry when people offered advice or said it wasnt my fault (i know its not my fault!) But after a week or so I realised I did need all of those things. Take your time to think about what you need. Social services will want to see you are protecting the kids and understand what's going on, if you have dealt with them before you may know all that if like me you haven't ever dealt with social services then seek advice and work with them. There is always someone here on the forum who can listen, support or give advice.

Hi,

maria offers some good insight.

I feel for you these are the thoughts I had in the early days. I especially recognise the sentiment of mentally things being okay and you being present in the family and it hits you like a frying pan. I still get some days like this.

writting down your experiences shows how much loss and trauma you have had in your life’s together and thanks for sharing this with us.

it sounds like you and your husband have been on a long journey together. And you can’t make decisions about your future at the moment. You do need to slow down and get through each day. You have been to the doctors which is good. I know you may not want to take the pills and this is your choice. I know I ha e intense moments of panic and the pills help me see clearly and manage my mind racing.

i have also taken time of work and I am just now 3 months after negotiating going back. So is there any manager at work you can confide in. My Human Resources team and manager know and they have been so supportive and caring towards me.

Take your time and breathe.

( also you can call the mortgage company in a few days they maybe flexible with you. I know your worried about the roof over your head , the fact you have only 8 years left shows you have paid a significant amount off and they will value this)



xxx

Hi unknown future

I absolutely agree with you about work, I found it my life line and in the early days the were minutes when I didn't think of the situation but now I go for most of the day. This of course, is really individual but this worked for me.

In the early days you will just go from one emotion to another and there is no rule to it, just go with what makes you feel a tiny bit better.

It would be fair of your husband to tell you exactly what has happened and what he's facing but often these men can't or don't want to face what they have done. My husband still denies he's ever done any wrong even though he's due to be sentenced in less than 3 weeks!!

Keep trying the helpline, it will help you, maybe you're not ready for it yet, I know it took me about 2 months before I could ring it!

Take care xx

Hi unknown future.

i am so pleased your HR manager is supportive. I am missing my team meetings so can see what you mean about work being a safe space .

In terms of denial there is a lot on the Lucy Faithfull stop it now website about denial and the reasons, if you can have a look through. I have learnt from people on here that it’s common to minimise the actual act it’s a lot of shame tied in and self preservation. My husband was arrested 3 months ago and it’s only now he can tell me how often he was accessing images, and that he recognises it got out of hand. He puts it down to depression but think there are lots of reasons and it helps manage their anxiety in some way.



Your sons sound lovely, it’s natural they want things to be back to normal but it will take time and that’s if you want. My social worker seems okay but that maybe because I have said we will separate.

Children services do seem to prefer when couples separate but it up to you, and you will need to equip yourself with lots of research the Lucy Faithfull website is good as is the call line. Paying for a hotel every nigh seems expensive, it’s going to be a long wait to get the computer equipment checked. Does his bail details say he can’t be home.

You also mentioned about his suicide risk. My ex is still struggling with accepting that his world fell apart. He is on a mood stabiliser himself and has support from the mental health team. I still feel that every time he leaves from seeing me and my daughter his risk increases as he realises what he has lost. But he has a safety plan which has helped and I know he reached out on two occcasoobs for support. Your husband has got through the first week which shows courage. He is probably using all his emotional resilience on surviving that he can’t open up to a huge extend what he did. I hope this comes for you and him in time.



unknown future you sound like you are doing a great job being there for your boys and husband and managing work. Don’t forget to take a time for you. A bubble bath a cup of tea your favourite cake. Anything really just for you.

we women seem to spend our whole lives being kind to others you need to focus some energy on yourself. You have had a huge shock. I am still struggling with mine it will take time xxxx

Hi, sorry to see you're going through this, I'm still going through it, my ex husband was arrested October 2017 and the investigation ended the end of November 2018 and sent to the Crown Prosecution services, still haven't heard anything. So sorry to say it probably won't take 16 weeks. I've not heard anything from the police, I've just been left in limbo, I have heard it can take 2 years to get to court.

The limbo is so painful isn’t it Cher, you think by the time it’s gone to court the men should have had time to process the circumstances that led them into it and done work with the Lucy Faithfull around the offending behaviour.



it seems cruel then to name and shame and do further harm to families. I am 3 months in. I can’t yet comprehend how your coping xxx

Done work I mean with Lucy Faithfull. Two years that’s shocking. Xxx

Unknown future

you have had a huge trauma. It’s still the early days. I don’t sleep well at the moment either, and feel I need to respond even though it may just be a short message.

You will survive this, your children will be okay, you children are obviously your world. The social worker will be able to tell that. You just need to slow down.

Your mind sounds like it’s racing. Please try to get some rest. It’s not up to you to fix this stupid situation straight away. You can do this I know we all say this but one day or one hour at a time.

please message back over this coming week. Keep going we are going to be there. There is so much advice on here and you have been extremely strong so far Xxx

As your children are 8 & 11 there is a ridiculousness (if that is a word) to you all shuffling round the house. I know that social workers want to keep your children safe but there are better things than that they can do. Ask for some work to be done with them. There are lots of organisations like Barnardos who work with children on this subject. And put it back on your social worker. Ask them what they would do. You would never lose your children as when it is all stripped back, the very worse that could happen is that a judge would ask you to choose. It's all still raw and children's services should be helping you and not making things worse. Their default position is a divorce but it's your family. Be kind to yourself and just take one day at a time xx

It really is so difficult for partners. Social services do make everything very stressful but do not panic. I reminded them that there is no manual on what to do in situations like this and neither have they ever offered me any advice. You can live with supervised access if you want to, we have been living like that for over 6 months, it is my husband job to make sure he is not alone in the room with the kids as well as mine. My kids do not really even know this is a rule, me and my husband are joined at the hip. Yes it can be annoying to not be able to go to the toilet without him having to come with me but i guess we must have done most things together anyway as part frim that I hardly notice we do it anymore. Also dont be afraid to say to your husband you need a break, I've often said dont come over as I need to get things done. My situation is different and not to do with images but I still had a tough time with social services, they say outrageous things sometimes and I have disagreed with them on some things (luckily I was right). I said things that I was criticised for in the beginning but try not to overly worry about that for now. Now you need to show you understand and are protecting the kids from any possible harm and that does include the stress and emotions of this situation. To say that you are a protective parent you need to prove it. The helpline are very helpful for advice, its worth reading stuff on nspcc, parents protect and stop it now websites if you haven't already. It feels a bit like partners get it easy especially with social services but never forget this is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, it will be tough but you can get through it.

Unknown Future, unfortunately this social worker rules can last a long time. I am 4 years in, yep 4 years and it was only this week that we were discharged. Up until 6 months ago my husband wasnt allowed in a room alone with our children. It was the most frustrating thing, if I was sick and in bed we couldn't visit him as I couldn't protect the children if I was asleep. Now, here is the confusing part. He could be in a room with any other child, he could stay over night with any other child. The only children that couldn't were his own due to the ridiculous Scottish system of a children's panel!

Do not let the social worker scare you. Putting children in the foster system is the last thing anyone wants to do. They just need to know you are a protective factor in their lives. They WILL come down on you, they will question every single detail and tell you in their opinion its wrong. You need to show them you are not minimising his offending and you know your children are priority. I wont lie and say this is easy because it's not but you will get through it.

Unknown future, this is so very sad. Social work, especially in the beginning will be harsh as hell. Item's their job to make sure the kids are protected but they could go round it in a better way! My inlaws got me in hot water after talking to social work about my depression and other things I cant quite remember. I remember being furious, social work twisted things too. Your son is autistic, social work *should* be aware of this and assess the situation with that in mind. They will not take your children in to foster care without a good reason. They wont take them if there isn't a genuine cause for concern. Does you son have someone who isn't the social worker to talk to? Someone who he is familiar with and knowledge of his autism?

If you can, get an advocate for any meetings. They will support you and will say to social work if they are being unreasonable. They are an asset and don't cost anything. They will speak for you when you can't. I wish I had known about them in the early days. I was 2 years in before I knew. She was always helpful, she would take me outside for air if it was getting too much. Social work know how to push your buttons.

With your husbands living arrangement, is he not able to be put in emergency homeless accommodation? It's only temporary but he can be entitled to rent payments. You shouldn't have to be paying for a hotel.

Hi Unknown Future, I just wanted to say so much has happened to you since February and you need to give yourself a hug for dealing with so much and not going under. It is hideous having social services involved - I have them too and it is dreadful. Just remember, social services cannot take your children away, only a judge can. If a child is is immediate danger then the police have temporary powers, but ultimately it is only ever a judge who has the power to remove your parental responsibility. And remember that it is you and your husband who have parental responsibility so you get to decide what is in your children’s best interests. Whilst an investigation is still under way (and from what I remember your husband has given a no comment interview and there is no current evidence) then no judge would agree to the removal of children from the “protective parent “. You do have power, it is just hard to feel ,ike you do when you feel ,ike everyone is watching and waiting for your next move.

do not presume your SW knows anything about autism. They will not have received full training in autism - why don’t you type up a sheet for the SW describing how your son’s autism manifests (it is all different for different children) and then ask your SW to be mindful of this when talking to the children. If you have a good book on the subject it would do no harm to photocopy some relevant pages for the SW.

you can take control of this situation a small amount - I know it’s hard and tiring, but you can do this. Remember also to write a summary of each communication you have with social services with dates etc - you think you will remember who said what when but believe me it all becomes a blur.

x

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Unknown Future - you are A-MAZING.

Are you getting any counselling? I know financially this is not possible (and I know time wise it sounds like just another thing to try and fit into an already too packed life) but could your GP arrange something for you? For me it has meant that over time I have learned to credit myself with just how much I am doing (I have had dips but am feeling more on the up now again bizarrely after having it come to press and having to tell my oldest child which were both my worst fears realised). I have come to realise that all I do I do from the point of what is best for my children and I can hear that that is what you are doing too. My counsellor always talks about needing to put my oxygen mask on before helping the children with theirs (as in the flight safety talks!) but I find that really hard and it sounds like you are putting everybody else’s masks on before your and you are suffocating. However it also sounds like everyone around you is not helping you to breathe either. Social services sound horrific and totally unreasonable. I have never had anyone look in my fridge or look at the kids’ bedrooms - thank god as I only ever manage to tidy downstairs before she comes and hope to god she neve remedy a wee whilst she’s there!



I huge great hug from me for a shot (intentional misspelling) situation that you sound to be managing amazingly.



And breathe. Xxx

One day you'll be able to look back at your postings from a good place and see just how far you have come. Sending love x

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Hi unknown future. Sorry to hear what you are going through but you are not alone. Social services make me cross. They want you to keep kids away from their dad for safeguarding etc but think it's quite normal for kids to see you going to the toilet and having a bath!



They were also surprised that I had told my kids. But why not. I cant lie to them as that isn't being a good role model plus they should be aware. You cant just say dads moved out and that's that. My kids are teenagers and need to be aware and know how to be safe too.

Sadly you hear stories like this too often. My advice is keep an accurate diary of all calls, letters, and meetings with professionals. Have a solicitor or independent person attend all meetings with you, a professional is best. We had an issue with notes being made up from meetings, I can only assume they got us confused with someone else but it's still appalling as these notes cannot be changed. But as we had a professional with us who took notes also and could confirm the notes were totally inaccurate. Make copies of all documents and note any errors. Don't complain about things that were said unless you have evidence, social workers said some horrendous inaccurate stuff to us, I'm just glad I knew the difference between fact and the crazy stuff they said so i could correct them. If you make a complaint do it via the correct complaints procedure or you will get nowhere. Have evidence of the inaccuracies and copies of them. It's very hard to know what is right or wrong, i think professionals need better training. Don't work against social services but feel confident to pull them up when they are wrong. Its hard and feels like all eyes and pressure are on you but you can get through it. Is the school safeguarding officer approachable, they are a good person to talk to, ensure you have a professional who supports you and the kids at meetings.

My, my kids did that at the start of it all. What do as get from it? X

Reading your story has really saddened me. I have Huntingdons in my family so understand from that side. I simply praise you so much for coping with the pressure your under. The love you have for your boys is clear to see from your posts. Your doing everything correctly.

Please be so proud of how your dealing with this situation.

Your amazing.

X

Hi Unknown Future,

I am currently going through a similar situation. I just spent about 30 mins writing a long post to have it log me out and I'm pretty sure I lost the 3000 word essay I just wrote. I'm so embarrassed that I had to turn to an online forum but at this point I'm desperate for advice, conversation, support, pretty much anything from anyone going through a similar situation. I'm a new mom to a baby who is very colic so I've been struggling with postpartum depression on top of all the other stress my husband has endured to our family. I'll be honest I'm struggling mentally, physically & emotionally to the point where I just dont have much motivation or interest in even living at this point. I'm not any way suicidal, I'm just going through alot. I know your post is not very recent but if you or anyone else on this thread is still dealing with their spouse or a loved one I'd really appreciate some advice or someone to vent to and vice versa. I can't talk to my friends about it because I'm just too embarrassed. I appreciate any reply and will write a little about my situation on my notepad and paste it up here so it doesnt log me out or delete my text if anyone on here is interested. Thank you in advance!



Sincerely,

One hot mess express LOL ( kidding but really my life/world just got turned upside down)

Hey jaci.marie

It is a very tough emotional and traumatic place to be. if you want to vent of ask advice ask away. I don't have children but my husband is under investigation for iioc (indecent images of children if you didn't know). We are still going through all the emotions but we are 15months into the drawn out process. We have are ups and downs but it does get easier I promise.

If your on Mumsnet then my name is Poobear86 if you wanted to chat more privately.

Hi Jack Mari. Sympathies re the situation AND the loss of your 3000 word essay - my husband got arrested (and released on bail) Just 21/2 wks should - and I also wrote a humongous essay about the experience only to have it disappear before I could post it. I HAVE d dibbled in a notebook -- stream of consciousness stuff - which did help in those early days of waking at 3am stewing. What I don't have is a new baby - let alone a colicky one! (It's a midwife in a previous life so i DO empathise with THAT one). Have you the support of your family?

Sorry - iDID put Jaci Marie but blindly auto correct got in there and changed it. Start a 'new' topic, JM so we can talk to YOU!