Reactions and decisions
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Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here before but often come here for support and to get questions answered.
My husband has gone to prison for 18 months. He had about 350 images and some online offences (no contact) with undercover police.
I have stuck with him during the process. It has been about 2 years from arrest to sentencing. Throughout this time we only told v close family. Now it has been in local and some national media, lots of friends have found out and I had to tell more family quicker than we'd planned for fear they would read it there first.
I've had a few people reach out and say they will support me. I think as the information is new to them and they mainly have the emotively worded media articles to go by, they are still in shock and processing. He was a well loved and sociable guy.
Some are hurt that me and my husband kept this from them, when we seemed to have such a close friendship. That is clear to see and they are also feeling loss of a close friend as they can't get in touch with him easily now even if they wanted to. They tell me they are also worried about the social stigma they may receive by association, being very close friends or ours.
Some tell me that they are mostly worried about me and are advising me to drop association with him at least for now so that I can focus on myself. I understand where they're coming from but I just love him so much and feel that he has been honest with me since the arrest (charges matched what he told me etc). It is hard hearing even close friends ask me, have you heard this, seen that, passing on gossip etc, it's like they need to do their own digging to somehow understand and process this.
I'm going to visit him in prison soon which in itself terrifies me as it's not a place I'd ever imagined going. Does anyone know what it's like? I'm guessing you're in a room with other prisoners and visitors usually?
I miss my husband terribly and feel we are meant to be together. I'd love a time machine to jump me forward two years so I can see what happened without having to live through it!
My husband has gone to prison for 18 months. He had about 350 images and some online offences (no contact) with undercover police.
I have stuck with him during the process. It has been about 2 years from arrest to sentencing. Throughout this time we only told v close family. Now it has been in local and some national media, lots of friends have found out and I had to tell more family quicker than we'd planned for fear they would read it there first.
I've had a few people reach out and say they will support me. I think as the information is new to them and they mainly have the emotively worded media articles to go by, they are still in shock and processing. He was a well loved and sociable guy.
Some are hurt that me and my husband kept this from them, when we seemed to have such a close friendship. That is clear to see and they are also feeling loss of a close friend as they can't get in touch with him easily now even if they wanted to. They tell me they are also worried about the social stigma they may receive by association, being very close friends or ours.
Some tell me that they are mostly worried about me and are advising me to drop association with him at least for now so that I can focus on myself. I understand where they're coming from but I just love him so much and feel that he has been honest with me since the arrest (charges matched what he told me etc). It is hard hearing even close friends ask me, have you heard this, seen that, passing on gossip etc, it's like they need to do their own digging to somehow understand and process this.
I'm going to visit him in prison soon which in itself terrifies me as it's not a place I'd ever imagined going. Does anyone know what it's like? I'm guessing you're in a room with other prisoners and visitors usually?
I miss my husband terribly and feel we are meant to be together. I'd love a time machine to jump me forward two years so I can see what happened without having to live through it!
Hi Busylizzie,
I can't help with the prison side of things, but I have lost really good friends due to them believing everything they read in the media about my hubby, they also said they don't want to be seen condoning wat he has done, like I do. But I have also have some long term friends no that sometimes people go down wrong roads and deserve a second chance, ignore the ones who are after gossip and focus on the one who want to stand by u, I have also had newer friends be more understanding than this long term friend who turned against me and that means so much more. Try and stay strong love xx
I can't help with the prison side of things, but I have lost really good friends due to them believing everything they read in the media about my hubby, they also said they don't want to be seen condoning wat he has done, like I do. But I have also have some long term friends no that sometimes people go down wrong roads and deserve a second chance, ignore the ones who are after gossip and focus on the one who want to stand by u, I have also had newer friends be more understanding than this long term friend who turned against me and that means so much more. Try and stay strong love xx
Hi buzylizie most visitor centres are run by PACT (Prison advice and care trust on behalf of the prison estate, there there to help relatives through the visit process. You might find it helpful to call there helpline and they can give you advice on what goes on and what ID you need to ensure you have. Make sure you take plenty of coins with you as most visit Halls will have a place to get coffe, tea and drinks and sweets while in the visit hall and its normally cashed based. Speak to pack and they will help put your Mind at rest
Thank you Dawn14, that's the feeling I'm getting. I'm finding it hard because it feels like everyone (my parents included, to whom I am very close) is telling me what they think I should do. But how can you possibly know unless it is you in the situation?! Saying things like sell up and start over, what if I don't want to!
I've mainly only heard from people over text so far and the first people I've seen in person were certainly more cautious than I had expected. I wonder if people change their feelings in time, or if their initial reaction is an indication of how they will feel long term? Who knows if there is an answer. But I'm certainly thinking you're right. Surely anyone who indicates we are better off apart, has already judged me for my decision to stay with him and our friendship may never be the same even if I did leave my husband. And in that case I'd be left without either!
Notalone1970, thanks for the tips re: pact and visiting prison. It's a whole new load of helplines and forums to add to the mix now!
I've mainly only heard from people over text so far and the first people I've seen in person were certainly more cautious than I had expected. I wonder if people change their feelings in time, or if their initial reaction is an indication of how they will feel long term? Who knows if there is an answer. But I'm certainly thinking you're right. Surely anyone who indicates we are better off apart, has already judged me for my decision to stay with him and our friendship may never be the same even if I did leave my husband. And in that case I'd be left without either!
Notalone1970, thanks for the tips re: pact and visiting prison. It's a whole new load of helplines and forums to add to the mix now!
Thank you both. Your words certainly echo my own thoughts and feelings exactly. I just don't feel like when I say those things to others that they understand. But how could they, as you say, we can't switch things on and off, I've tried to articulate this to friends, they just want some logic but there isn't necessarily going to be much logic when so much emotion is naturally involved.
I'm certainly starting to understand what a journey this will be. It is already clear to me when I see people face to face from their vibes whether they will support me unconditionally despite the words which come out of their mouths. Some want to understand and can see how my husband can be both the man they loved as well as someone who has done these things, whilst others just want an answer, a clue from the past, to dig further and do not accept that an investigation has already happened.
I think it's the difference between having true empathy and just thinking about what they would do in my situation.
I'm certainly starting to understand what a journey this will be. It is already clear to me when I see people face to face from their vibes whether they will support me unconditionally despite the words which come out of their mouths. Some want to understand and can see how my husband can be both the man they loved as well as someone who has done these things, whilst others just want an answer, a clue from the past, to dig further and do not accept that an investigation has already happened.
I think it's the difference between having true empathy and just thinking about what they would do in my situation.