Family and Friends Forum

I can't imagine how you must feel. Sending big hugs. Has anyone spoken to your partner's son? I imagine it's very difficult at the moment if your partner has shut down. It sounds like it's been very factual in what they've said in that you're aware of what's gone on, had anybody had your partner's son confirm it or any explanation? Xx

Sending lots of love, this must be immensely traumatic for you.

My son confessed to abusing his sister but hadn't. He was suffering from a psychotic break and had lost touch with reality.

The what ifs, facing the possibility that he had done something, had considered doing something, wanted to do something would have done something etc etc spin round in your head over and over and it's a soul destroying process. I still live in fear of these what ifs.

I'd definitely recommend counselling if it's something you feel able to engage with. Stopso may be able to offer you and your daughter (if relevant) sessions to process everything. Definitely make as much time as you can for self care.

If your partner won't talk to you, do you have someone you can confide in that you trust?

You could try written notes between you and your partner if you're both willing, as a way to discuss without either party becoming overwhelmed.

My partner is not the father of any of my children but we had a long term, very close relationship and my children all consider him their step dad.

My relationship survived but we did not know if it would. The trauma is extensive. We talked really honestly and openly a lot, were overwhelmed a lot and it was so hard for both of us.

I don't want to sound negative or like I'm telling you what you should do, but I honestly don't think you will be able to get through this as a couple without discussing it in some way in the near future.

Many people, young boys and men in particular have a disconnect between online behaviour and offline behaviour. It can feel like a platform where you can cross all boundaries without consequence but that doesn't mean those boundaries have been or would ever be crossed.

I find it helpful to think of how many people enjoy watching horror and gory movies where people harm others in crazy ways. There certainly aren't that many sadistic killers on the loose in reality..

I'm glad I've been able to offer a little comfort, I truly wish I could offer more.

Many people will say one step at a time, one day at a time and try (not that it's possible but try) not to worry about the future. It's a long process (we're 7 months in) and nothing will change by worrying.

Shock and naturally high emotions will make it difficult to think clearly for some time so take it slowly and don't make big decisions.

Try focus on each of your wellbeing in the here and now.

I absolutely thought my relationship was over in those early days. I felt I couldn't ask anyone to go through this horror with me and he couldn't honestly tell me he would or could stay.

But we worked through it and have come out stronger than ever. We're also looking to get married in the near future - and although things are still up in the air and tough with regards to police outcome and my son's health - we're still very happy in our relationship.

It's a huge thing to go through as a couple but it's not necessarily the end.

We're actually not through with the nightmare yet I'm afraid, but at least we're now at a point of knowing the truth for ourselves and understanding more about my son's mental health condition.

I can only guess if course but I imagine your partners son is ashamed and terrified of the consequences of his actions and whilst I understand it's far from the top of your worries right now he'll be facing up to the reality of every aspect of his life being changed for the forseeable future.

I hope you or your partner are able to talk to him soon and get some answers. Xx

It is really important to feel angry. To feel furious for so many reasons. It is not okay for him to have done this and anger is a rational response as it fuels your fight or flight instincts. I feel like many of us would be horrified, or kidding ourselves, if we didn't feel anger at finding out something so terrible and difficult to understand.

It is one emotion among many that these incidents provoke. Desperate sadness, fear, shock, grief, depression. Feeling them is an important (and awfully hard) part of the process. Trying not to make big decisions while in the middle of huge emotions can be really tough, but your rational self is on hold at those times. Give yourself space and time.

While not contacting his father may seem bad and cowardly I can only guess that he is in shock too. I know when my partner was arrested (iioc) he said it felt like he was suddenly sober and only then actually realised what he had done. He was a total mess and even months down the line his reactions to things now can be so selfish and self centered but I have learnt that it is because he has no room for the pain of others when he has so much pain and guilt himself.



The fear and instinct to protect your daughter must be overwhelming. There is an awful lot you are going to have to deal with. But you are not alone xx

You have done nothing wrong. Nothing.

I was filled with guilt and shame, it still lingers but I recognise it is irrational, I hope you can too. Your partners son is responsible and accountable for his actions and no-one else.

Have you spoken to your daughters school? They were a surprising source of comfort for me, simply supportive with no judgement, as well as providing lots of support opportunities for my daughter. Perhaps they can offer you something, they may have access to counselling or other services more quickly than the GP.

I'm assuming social services are also involved? You can ask them if they can provide any support as well, for all of you.

You will no doubt have done everything you can to keep your daughter safe in the past with the knowledge available to you at the time.

Your perspective is now changed with this new information and hindsight but this does not change the fact you acted appropriately with the information available at the time.

Be kind to yourself, you're going through an immensely traumatic experience. I'm sure you're an amazing parent, it shows in how you feel and how worried you are about your daughter. xx

You will continue to churn every thing over and over again. As a parent you wonder why didn't you spot it / were you at fault.... we gave our kids everything possible but when they grow up they go on to make their own choices and have to pay the consequences when things go wrong.

I never knew the full outcome of what my boy did, going to court would have distroyed us - we feel the same now about prison visits! What information we knew was enough for us to bare.

Take your time - don't try and make everything right in one day, it's a long journey....

JSR, just want to send you a hug. The early days are so shocking and incomprehensible; don't make any rash decisions - just breathe, take time for yourself, read and inform yourself as much as possible, visit this forum because we all understand what you're going through xx

It never leaves your mind but life develops a 'new' normal.....