My personal struggles.
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Hello all,
I have spent a lot of time reading the posts and comments, and feel as though I am in safe company here. Some of you are so well researched on the subject, and I have been able to read a lot of the subject as a result, so firstly, thanks to you all!
I have only recently met my boyfriend. We are both divorced/divorcing, and have primary age children. His offence, (when we were together) was online viewing and screenshots of still images of mainly clothed teenagers. He is an addict. He has gone through many addictions, some overlapping, some substituting the one has given up. He is very intelligent, and strong willed. He is doing the courses, the modules, and reading everything he can get his hands on to understand this thing he has done, the seriousness, how the ripple throughout his world is impacting all of us, and how he can be a better person. I too am getting support where I can, and reading up on it.
I understand how this happened. I have reconciled that. It is truly a dreadful thing that ‘rabbit hole’. It is almost as though they trapped themselves via their addiction to porn. And now they will pay the price, as will we. I do not believe he is a bad person. He has a broken part that he is now trying to fix.
My struggle is everyone, literally everyone, has told me to run for the hills. I do not want to. I truly believe my life after this will be with him, a better person, and with us having a better relationship without alcohol, drugs, porn, anything that ultimately becomes more important than the relationship itself, which is what these addictions do to a person. Stupid to say perhaps, but we both knew from those first few weeks we were both worth it. Then he went and totally blew it all out of the water, which he is utterly distraught by.
My struggles are also with trust. I mean, he knows I am totally in this, as I am the one staying. I am standing by him. The physical presence of me in this scenario is evidence of how much I want us to get out the other side of this. The fact I have to go through the system myself (SS) is evidence. No one would volunteer to do that without good reason. But I have nothing like that back. I literally have to put faith and trust that him being with me is authentic, and not just because I am standing by him. That chatter in my head is exhausting.
I also struggle with my own reconciliation. I spend 48hrs with him after he was arrested and dug out everything I could from the pit of his stomach. It was horrible, but for me it was necessary. We now have very open lines of communication and I don’t think there is much I don’t know. But I worry I have minimised it. I think people may think I have. I don’t think I have, but I worry I may have. I had a horrendous first experience with the helpline at LFF where I was told I sounded like his solicitor, that I had to consider he might be grooming me, that it sounded like he was my project, and I was a Rottweiler! Yup, she referred to my personality using those words. I was left really upset by it. (a subsequent chat with another women was much more helpful)
All of these things have totally thrown me, and have left me isolated within the isolation of all this. Recursive isolation!
Anyway, I am just here to offload and to chat really. This process will be long right?! We need our community. I just never thought it would be in a forum such as this!
All power to us warriors eh! Wish I felt powerful....
I have spent a lot of time reading the posts and comments, and feel as though I am in safe company here. Some of you are so well researched on the subject, and I have been able to read a lot of the subject as a result, so firstly, thanks to you all!
I have only recently met my boyfriend. We are both divorced/divorcing, and have primary age children. His offence, (when we were together) was online viewing and screenshots of still images of mainly clothed teenagers. He is an addict. He has gone through many addictions, some overlapping, some substituting the one has given up. He is very intelligent, and strong willed. He is doing the courses, the modules, and reading everything he can get his hands on to understand this thing he has done, the seriousness, how the ripple throughout his world is impacting all of us, and how he can be a better person. I too am getting support where I can, and reading up on it.
I understand how this happened. I have reconciled that. It is truly a dreadful thing that ‘rabbit hole’. It is almost as though they trapped themselves via their addiction to porn. And now they will pay the price, as will we. I do not believe he is a bad person. He has a broken part that he is now trying to fix.
My struggle is everyone, literally everyone, has told me to run for the hills. I do not want to. I truly believe my life after this will be with him, a better person, and with us having a better relationship without alcohol, drugs, porn, anything that ultimately becomes more important than the relationship itself, which is what these addictions do to a person. Stupid to say perhaps, but we both knew from those first few weeks we were both worth it. Then he went and totally blew it all out of the water, which he is utterly distraught by.
My struggles are also with trust. I mean, he knows I am totally in this, as I am the one staying. I am standing by him. The physical presence of me in this scenario is evidence of how much I want us to get out the other side of this. The fact I have to go through the system myself (SS) is evidence. No one would volunteer to do that without good reason. But I have nothing like that back. I literally have to put faith and trust that him being with me is authentic, and not just because I am standing by him. That chatter in my head is exhausting.
I also struggle with my own reconciliation. I spend 48hrs with him after he was arrested and dug out everything I could from the pit of his stomach. It was horrible, but for me it was necessary. We now have very open lines of communication and I don’t think there is much I don’t know. But I worry I have minimised it. I think people may think I have. I don’t think I have, but I worry I may have. I had a horrendous first experience with the helpline at LFF where I was told I sounded like his solicitor, that I had to consider he might be grooming me, that it sounded like he was my project, and I was a Rottweiler! Yup, she referred to my personality using those words. I was left really upset by it. (a subsequent chat with another women was much more helpful)
All of these things have totally thrown me, and have left me isolated within the isolation of all this. Recursive isolation!
Anyway, I am just here to offload and to chat really. This process will be long right?! We need our community. I just never thought it would be in a forum such as this!
All power to us warriors eh! Wish I felt powerful....
Hello Bee73,
Thank you for reaching out for support and guidance on the Family and Friends Forum. We are really sorry to hear about the difficult situation that you are currently in and your initial experience of the helpline. At Stop It Now! we want to ensure that everyone is able to access anonymous, confidential and non-judgmental support and advice and would never want someone to feel this way following a call with us. It is positive to hear that your second call to the helpline was positive and that you have felt able to reach out to the forum today. I want to reassure you that we will look into your concerns, and will be sending you an email regarding this.
I hope you feel able to continue to access the helpline for on-going support, as well as accessing additional support and advice from this forum.
Take care,
Lucy
Thank you for reaching out for support and guidance on the Family and Friends Forum. We are really sorry to hear about the difficult situation that you are currently in and your initial experience of the helpline. At Stop It Now! we want to ensure that everyone is able to access anonymous, confidential and non-judgmental support and advice and would never want someone to feel this way following a call with us. It is positive to hear that your second call to the helpline was positive and that you have felt able to reach out to the forum today. I want to reassure you that we will look into your concerns, and will be sending you an email regarding this.
I hope you feel able to continue to access the helpline for on-going support, as well as accessing additional support and advice from this forum.
Take care,
Lucy
Hi Bee73,
I am sorry to hear u r going through a tuff time and u were made to feel bad when we are already in a bad place, it sounds like u have been well on the ball and I think ur relationship will be stronger for that, unfortunately it is a long road and possibly an extended road with ss involved, we are nearly a year from sentencing but due to ss thinking I minimised wat my hubby had done. Hence my road being extended, the ladies on here are amazing and u r right very knowledgeable so keep posting xx
I am sorry to hear u r going through a tuff time and u were made to feel bad when we are already in a bad place, it sounds like u have been well on the ball and I think ur relationship will be stronger for that, unfortunately it is a long road and possibly an extended road with ss involved, we are nearly a year from sentencing but due to ss thinking I minimised wat my hubby had done. Hence my road being extended, the ladies on here are amazing and u r right very knowledgeable so keep posting xx
Dawn14 I am sorry you are having trouble with SS. That is my fear too. I don't think I have minimised, more understood how it could happen and so have reconcilled that, although after today's admision I have had that rather thrown back in my face.
What a hell of a journey. I said once I would wish single parenting on anyone. I think this has won the personal best for shit rides!
What a hell of a journey. I said once I would wish single parenting on anyone. I think this has won the personal best for shit rides!
I understand you worrying about minimalising / normalising it - I have worried about myself doing this also with my son .
The only thing I can say is no one knows your situation better than you so go with your gut .
im sending much love xx
The only thing I can say is no one knows your situation better than you so go with your gut .
im sending much love xx
Hi,
See I don't think I did, I just did wat they told me to do which was not talk about it to the children or I front of the children, so I didn't that was me minimising it. They told me to do the Llf inform course I believe thinking that it would turn me against my hubby but wat it actually did was prove to me that wat I'm doing is normal he isn't the only 1 and that they r reasons for them doing this, so I believe it backfired for them but gave me a new strength and yes it did highlight things that I didn't fully no, I recommend doing the course but I feel they should do the ourse and then they wouldn't be so hard on us going through this terrible situation xxxx
See I don't think I did, I just did wat they told me to do which was not talk about it to the children or I front of the children, so I didn't that was me minimising it. They told me to do the Llf inform course I believe thinking that it would turn me against my hubby but wat it actually did was prove to me that wat I'm doing is normal he isn't the only 1 and that they r reasons for them doing this, so I believe it backfired for them but gave me a new strength and yes it did highlight things that I didn't fully no, I recommend doing the course but I feel they should do the ourse and then they wouldn't be so hard on us going through this terrible situation xxxx
Hi Bee,
Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in! My ex partner was an addict of drugs, drinking, gambling, anything which he laid his hands on really and it was the most heartbreaking experience of my life and I tried to help him so much but he did not help himself. Eventually I couldn't take much more and left financially and emotionally ruined. I'm not saying people can't get better if they're willing to put the work in but when I look back in the earlier years before he went off the rails fully I really do wonder why I was even with him as he did very little for me and we wasn't particularly happy at the best of times - young and desperate to be loved I guess. As long as your partner shows total willingness to get better and is prepared to work to be better then I don't see harm in standing by him as long as he makes you truly happy. What I will say and I always say this to anyone in any kind of relationship is to ensure you will always be ok if you end things, as long as you have resources and a life to live without a partner then it makes it a heck of a lot easier if things do go sour. I'm very cynical following my experiences in life and always have some kind of guard up.
I hope everything works out for you x
Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in! My ex partner was an addict of drugs, drinking, gambling, anything which he laid his hands on really and it was the most heartbreaking experience of my life and I tried to help him so much but he did not help himself. Eventually I couldn't take much more and left financially and emotionally ruined. I'm not saying people can't get better if they're willing to put the work in but when I look back in the earlier years before he went off the rails fully I really do wonder why I was even with him as he did very little for me and we wasn't particularly happy at the best of times - young and desperate to be loved I guess. As long as your partner shows total willingness to get better and is prepared to work to be better then I don't see harm in standing by him as long as he makes you truly happy. What I will say and I always say this to anyone in any kind of relationship is to ensure you will always be ok if you end things, as long as you have resources and a life to live without a partner then it makes it a heck of a lot easier if things do go sour. I'm very cynical following my experiences in life and always have some kind of guard up.
I hope everything works out for you x