Family and Friends Forum

Hello,

I am not really sure how to begin – I too am (as we all are) collateral damage in the wake of this awful crime. I am just over 2 years since ‘the knock’ and has been a very painful journey and an incredibly isolating experience. I still really struggle after all this time, with the concept of shame by association when we as ‘secondary victims’ have done nothing wrong.

I was a 29 year old teacher on the precipice of newly married life before my world collapsed around me the morning of the raid just a few months before my wedding. Of course, as we all know, there are no words to describe the feeling but it was truly a blessing in disguise to find out when I did. Fortunately disqualification by association laws changed with regard to my employment so was still able to continue work. The damage felt so far reaching but was a small saving grace I could at least continue some sort of life 'after'.

He never apologised or ever had the decency to explain himself to me. It was heartbreaking to never get closure due to his arrogance and denial despite the glaring police evidence. I was gaslighted and emotionally blackmailed to keep his secret which was terrifying and of course my mental health paid a heavy price; I suffered for a very long time until I gained strength to get help and slowly the truth came out. The man I knew was gone, it hurt me a lot to know that he could not see beyond his own suffering which was entirely of his own making. Perhaps the taboo and shame of it all kept him from accepting accountability for his actions, it was very sad seeing the man I loved slip away into this awful world of police/lawyers/crime. Nonetheless he was guilty and he knew it, sadly he never bothered to express any remorse to me for what he did or what hell he put me through which twisted the blade further. Sometimes it makes it easier to deal with if they actually hold their hands up and express remorse and acknowledge your pain too, but sadly was not the case for me and to say I felt a lot of anger was an understatement. He finally faced court charges and pleaded guilty and I felt a sense of closure that this nightmare was finally coming to an end, yet I very much feel the scars of the past. I guess I wanted to ‘go back to the beginning’ and re-visit this forum which, at the time, felt like a lifeline.


In the wake of destruction caused by this crime, I felt (and still feel) very alone despite being surrounded by well-meaning friends and family who offered me support. In my lowest moments however, it was this forum that brought the most comfort - knowing, in a weird way, that there were other women out there like me unfairly burdened by shame that was never ours to bear. I know there are more of us that we think – women hiding in the shadows behind screennames and alias’ but nonetheless still very much there and completely understanding to what I was going through. I just wanted to say thank you to all who have posted. In my darkest times I’d been reading other people’s posts that mirrored my own experiences without actually posting myself, until now. I suppose I just didn’t know what else to say that hadn’t been said already. But this is my first ever post, over two years on.

I wanted to extend a warmth and understanding to those visiting this forum; to acknowledge the bravery and courage it takes to live through this. I spent a long time in therapy trying to understand the hows/whys of it all and the domino effect it had on my life, self-esteem and future going forward – I became quite inward and reduced my circle of friends significantly. I went through every possible emotion from rage, hopelessness, fear, panic, and the stages of grief for a life that once ‘was’ balanced with the fear of the unknowns of a life that now ‘is’.

Years on I’m still figuring out how to re-do life again one step at a time and I have since found a sense of peace and happiness at having gone through this terrible time, sometimes when life is so cruel it makes you re evaluate life perspectives and led me down a path of self development for the better. I do still have ups and downs though and is not easy, particularly when life happens all around me for other people and I feel somewhat five steps behind. But slowly one day at a time I am determined not to let it taint the future driven by the anger and injustice that this happened in the first place and how unfair it all is.

I am aware however, that there have been (and will be) many more women who have only just begun this terrible journey – ‘the knock’ that changes everything has happened, and will continue to happen to so many of us. I think of the women that received the terrible news yesterday, today and tomorrow. I think of the women who are currently going about their normal lives and have no idea their ‘knock’ is even coming – just like I never saw it coming. I think of my past self who felt as though the light at the end of the tunnel would never come, constantly swimming against the tide in this relentless nightmare. Through therapy I came to terms with the concept that despite this awful experience, I tried to view life through a lens not as a victim, but as a survivor. This way of thinking really helped me, even though at first it felt impossible to survive. To the women who have only just begun this awful journey I just wanted to give a sense of hope that things do and will get better.

The legal system focuses on the primary victims and the perpetrators – and quite rightly so! However the voices of the ‘secondary victims’ left behind is something we rarely hear/see for various reasons. Throughout my journey I felt (and still feel) that there should be more out there to help people besides just this one online forum. This forum is still so very valuable in its purpose of course, but nonetheless, not nearly enough is out there by way of family support or mental health support for people in our position. I wonder if anyone else has had similar thoughts or if there are any other supportive measures out there that have been useful?

We are all hidden in plain sight, women like us who bear the heavy load of these terrible secrets yet anonymously connected together in solidarity of our experience. This to me brings a strangely bitter-sweet comfort knowing we are not alone, whoever and wherever you are reading this post from, I hope you know that.

I am currently writing a crime thriller novel which fictionalises my own experiences of being a secondary victim of crime (changed names etc!) – I hope to publish my novel under a pseudonym in the next couple of years. It began with wanting to write something I wish I could have read back then when I first began this journey, although everyone’s story is different I just felt fictionalising my own story might bring a sense of catharsis for me and hopefully a light to others still in the darkness. My aim is to begin conversations of understanding and empathy for the people affected by this taboo and important subject. I hope my novel will sensitively explore this neglected narrative to give voice to the real lives behind the statistics and the women left behind in the collateral damage of this crime.

If you read this far of my long post (!!) sending you all lots of warmth, courage and strength in wherever you are in your journey.

Sincerely,

Bird19

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