The guilt and shame
Notifications OFF
my anxiety has increased recently. I think before my brain was just trying to protect me from the painful emotions and now the truth is beginning to feel more real.
i know I have already pondered why this happened and I do understand that it is complex.
my ex and I are able to work together for my daughter. He is opening up a bit more now which shows he is more accepting of the offence and the children who were abused.
I am just trying to make sense of their guilt and shame, for those of you who have stayed with partners any advice on what helps them not to fall into a self pity space. I just don’t want to make anything worse. I told him I respect him for being honest.
i know we can’t be together and I wouldn’t want to but I also have come to realise he love his family deeply and that why he hid this from us and himself.
i know my partner was a wounded child himself and he seems stuck emotionally. He is now engaging with counselling and I have told him this takes courage.
All I want is for him to recognise that the action was wrong and despite dousing something wrong he still has kind qualities. And there is a benefit in opening up the box from his own childhood and making peace with himself.
so I suppose my question is for those of you who have stayed with their family members. How have they made sense if the guilt and shame without it fully consume them?
I am am genuinely interested and hope knowledge of what can help them rehabilitate their sense of self respect for the future.
i know I have already pondered why this happened and I do understand that it is complex.
my ex and I are able to work together for my daughter. He is opening up a bit more now which shows he is more accepting of the offence and the children who were abused.
I am just trying to make sense of their guilt and shame, for those of you who have stayed with partners any advice on what helps them not to fall into a self pity space. I just don’t want to make anything worse. I told him I respect him for being honest.
i know we can’t be together and I wouldn’t want to but I also have come to realise he love his family deeply and that why he hid this from us and himself.
i know my partner was a wounded child himself and he seems stuck emotionally. He is now engaging with counselling and I have told him this takes courage.
All I want is for him to recognise that the action was wrong and despite dousing something wrong he still has kind qualities. And there is a benefit in opening up the box from his own childhood and making peace with himself.
so I suppose my question is for those of you who have stayed with their family members. How have they made sense if the guilt and shame without it fully consume them?
I am am genuinely interested and hope knowledge of what can help them rehabilitate their sense of self respect for the future.
I just get on with it. I have days where I could just hide away but it has become less and less. Time does heal. I have never felt guilty, ashamed but not once guilty. It was not my choice it was his, the guilt is his burden to carry.
My husband went to the inform plus program provided by Stop It Now. He thoroughly praised the course, it really helped him understand what went wrong. After that he had deep psychological therapy before his sentencing. He then attended a community payback program as part of his sentence which again delved into offending behaviours. He had weekly meetings with his criminal justice social worker who went through his past. He now sees a therapist still 4 years on. It is such a long process but the help is there. Let him work through it all at his own pace.
My husband went to the inform plus program provided by Stop It Now. He thoroughly praised the course, it really helped him understand what went wrong. After that he had deep psychological therapy before his sentencing. He then attended a community payback program as part of his sentence which again delved into offending behaviours. He had weekly meetings with his criminal justice social worker who went through his past. He now sees a therapist still 4 years on. It is such a long process but the help is there. Let him work through it all at his own pace.
Wow he is still having therapy 4 years on. It goes to show what a long process it is and that there is no quick fix and it’s so complicated.
i am sure this experience will make me stronger in the long run. I am already pleased in my own sense of resilience getting through each day. Some days are worse and as it’s the early day and my husband is still mentally unstable. Think that’s why I asked this question. I know it’s his journey but I still want to look out fir him and not make him worse.
I genuinely don’t think I could ever hate him. I am angry with him but I also feel sorry for him.
the whole reason why anyone behaves how they do is so complex isn’t it. He didn’t ask for the brain he has but my husband could have asked for help.
Its interesting how in time you have been able to see past this and his recovery is up to him. I get with time I may never get these answers as he probably doesn’t understand himself. But my trying to make sense of the situation I find myself is all consuming. I know I will never get back to blissful ignorance I had before the knock. And you know what I wouldn’t want to I am upset we never had a truly authentic relationship and he was hiding part of his psyche from me. I get it’s due to Shane and guilty conscience. But it truly messes with my head.
i am sure this experience will make me stronger in the long run. I am already pleased in my own sense of resilience getting through each day. Some days are worse and as it’s the early day and my husband is still mentally unstable. Think that’s why I asked this question. I know it’s his journey but I still want to look out fir him and not make him worse.
I genuinely don’t think I could ever hate him. I am angry with him but I also feel sorry for him.
the whole reason why anyone behaves how they do is so complex isn’t it. He didn’t ask for the brain he has but my husband could have asked for help.
Its interesting how in time you have been able to see past this and his recovery is up to him. I get with time I may never get these answers as he probably doesn’t understand himself. But my trying to make sense of the situation I find myself is all consuming. I know I will never get back to blissful ignorance I had before the knock. And you know what I wouldn’t want to I am upset we never had a truly authentic relationship and he was hiding part of his psyche from me. I get it’s due to Shane and guilty conscience. But it truly messes with my head.
If he does ever say to you "I don't know why I did it" it is likely he really doesn't know why. It is so frustrating as we all so desperately seek the answers.
There are circumstances that can trigger the behaviours such as abuse, being introduced to pornography at a young age, mental health issues and even deeply religious backgrounds. Some are just born that way, they are wired differently.
I don't think my husbands therapy will ever truly end. He may not attend as often but I imagine he will always have to have the occasional chat. Sort of like a mental tune up.
There are circumstances that can trigger the behaviours such as abuse, being introduced to pornography at a young age, mental health issues and even deeply religious backgrounds. Some are just born that way, they are wired differently.
I don't think my husbands therapy will ever truly end. He may not attend as often but I imagine he will always have to have the occasional chat. Sort of like a mental tune up.
Sally blue,
I think your right that they don’t really know. There is certainly something different with my husbands brain wiring. It goes to show how important the early formative years were.
i think in our relationship he was really trying to hold it together and be a good husband but the internet must have provided an outlet to these dark thoughts.
its good your husband is still going got check ins through therapy. What I find hard sometimes is that I want something to blame such as his poor childhood when in reality I am seriously upset that he chose to do something illegal and as an accountant adult made poor decisions that impacted his nearest and dearest. As well as by doing this he must have had no empathy for the victims.
Thanks sally. I do find it into as well as painful I would love to know more about things. Though your right it’s complex and multiple reasons.
i just hope he can get better for the sake of my daughter and see that therapy is what he needs. It worries me though, as a lady I spoke to on the helpline said men who’s partners stay with them do better in their recovery. And I have separated from my husband but stil very much want to be his friend z
I think your right that they don’t really know. There is certainly something different with my husbands brain wiring. It goes to show how important the early formative years were.
i think in our relationship he was really trying to hold it together and be a good husband but the internet must have provided an outlet to these dark thoughts.
its good your husband is still going got check ins through therapy. What I find hard sometimes is that I want something to blame such as his poor childhood when in reality I am seriously upset that he chose to do something illegal and as an accountant adult made poor decisions that impacted his nearest and dearest. As well as by doing this he must have had no empathy for the victims.
Thanks sally. I do find it into as well as painful I would love to know more about things. Though your right it’s complex and multiple reasons.
i just hope he can get better for the sake of my daughter and see that therapy is what he needs. It worries me though, as a lady I spoke to on the helpline said men who’s partners stay with them do better in their recovery. And I have separated from my husband but stil very much want to be his friend z
An Accountable adult I mean. I hate typing on my phone. As you can see from the time of my posts I am still sleeping very badly. It’s nice to see replies so fast at this time of night xxx
I don’t think they understand why they do it, and I certainly don’t. I am encouraged by the notion of accepting ongoing help and counselling though. I have found this website one of the most helpful resources in terms of explaining what’s going on in the brain: https://brainheartworld.org/
There is set of three (free) informative (slightly too cheerful, but easy to relate to) videos about pornography addiction, and the disastrous consequences it can lead to.
There is set of three (free) informative (slightly too cheerful, but easy to relate to) videos about pornography addiction, and the disastrous consequences it can lead to.
Thanks for this, I will certainly watch these films when I have a quite moment.
your certainly right about the disastrous consequences of pornography.
its truly a destructive force. And people are so glued to their phones. Xxx
i had a low moment yesterday, by ex husband seems to be really trying and it’s so crushing when he realises what he has done and how it impacts both me and my daughter but the children involved.
our lives are altered but hopefully something good can come out of it. I know I am less judgmental of others. Xxx
your certainly right about the disastrous consequences of pornography.
its truly a destructive force. And people are so glued to their phones. Xxx
i had a low moment yesterday, by ex husband seems to be really trying and it’s so crushing when he realises what he has done and how it impacts both me and my daughter but the children involved.
our lives are altered but hopefully something good can come out of it. I know I am less judgmental of others. Xxx
I understand that a partner staying with the offender would aid recovery but don't ever feel guilty that you didn't stay. Not everyone can or would want to, you cannot sacrifice your happiness to help him. He made these decisions and this is the impact he has to deal with. It is admirable that you are remaining friends, that will help him.
The sad thing is he will have support in an official capacity such as the police, OMU etc whilst you will have to find your own supports. When my husband was sent to prison, I was already in contact with Stop it Now, I phoned the helpline and the first thing I was told was to focus on myself. Yes it was scary he was in prison, I was constantly worried but I was told he would be looked after. They were right, he had his meals, a roof over his head, access to medical assistance. I had that time to work on my own emotional wellbeing. Your ex will be supported through this, you need to concentrate on yourself and your daughter.
With regards to his lack of empathy, so much can factor in that. Has he ever had his mental abilities assessed? My husband struggled with empathy towards the victims. In his eyes these were pictures, they weren't real to him much like your "average" pornstars. He was classed as being on the autistic spectrum, his mentality was at a much younger age than he was. It was a shock in a way but not sy the same time. After a lot of therapy during his wait for sentencing it him him like a massive smack in the face. These images were real, this was real abuse and he was looking at it. He suffered a breakdown and was high risk of suicide. The empathy instantly hit him and he just couldn't cope. Criminal justice, the police and his offender management team arrived very quickly and said sometimes this can happen. It was very frightening.
The sad thing is he will have support in an official capacity such as the police, OMU etc whilst you will have to find your own supports. When my husband was sent to prison, I was already in contact with Stop it Now, I phoned the helpline and the first thing I was told was to focus on myself. Yes it was scary he was in prison, I was constantly worried but I was told he would be looked after. They were right, he had his meals, a roof over his head, access to medical assistance. I had that time to work on my own emotional wellbeing. Your ex will be supported through this, you need to concentrate on yourself and your daughter.
With regards to his lack of empathy, so much can factor in that. Has he ever had his mental abilities assessed? My husband struggled with empathy towards the victims. In his eyes these were pictures, they weren't real to him much like your "average" pornstars. He was classed as being on the autistic spectrum, his mentality was at a much younger age than he was. It was a shock in a way but not sy the same time. After a lot of therapy during his wait for sentencing it him him like a massive smack in the face. These images were real, this was real abuse and he was looking at it. He suffered a breakdown and was high risk of suicide. The empathy instantly hit him and he just couldn't cope. Criminal justice, the police and his offender management team arrived very quickly and said sometimes this can happen. It was very frightening.
Sally blue.
what a powerful response. I suppose it’s such a hard thing to accept it’s easier to deny or minimise. Hope he was able to make peace with himself afterwards. It’s something to learn from it. if men carry that shame around it must make them sick. I completely understand how he could have had a breakdown .
So manu victims from the offence all around. Xxx
what a powerful response. I suppose it’s such a hard thing to accept it’s easier to deny or minimise. Hope he was able to make peace with himself afterwards. It’s something to learn from it. if men carry that shame around it must make them sick. I completely understand how he could have had a breakdown .
So manu victims from the offence all around. Xxx